I barley know what to write. This is not how I imagine my life to be. Far from it. I want to be happy. But my heart feels utterly sick, my head heavy and limbs too weak to move.
Last night I truly understood my heart for the first time. It lays with me husband Endymion, who no longer wishes to be with me. All night I have tried to scream this anguish out, but nothing escapes my lips.
How can Endymion go? How can he have the strength to leave me behind, to cast me aside? He loves me! I know he does. That is why he could not tell me truthfully. He wanted to make me believe it, but I do not. Will not. I love Endymion. It is a part of me. Feeling this love has kept mine beating, has motivated me to move forward. What is the point of existing if it cannot be with my other half? To me it is like having lungs but with no breath to fill them. I cannot function.
Seiya has only now left to prepare. The wedding is to go ahead. Even though I am sick. Sick to my very soul. He told me he loved me, that in time I would forget Endymion. It did not matter to him if I did not love him now. One day I will. When I was unable to answer, to show affection for him I saw his anger for the first time. He asked why he was not good enough. I can remember thinking that with Endymion. I feel for Seiya, I truly do. I know all too well how painful unrequited love can be. But mine is not so. We love each other. If only there was a way to convince Endymion.
It will not be long now, before they come to take me to the ceremony. Was it only yesterday that my heart fluttered with excitement? I stand here, wondering if I knew this would happen. Or had I simply dreamt that my life would continue here, with both Seiya and Endymion until the end of our days? I care for both deeply. How foolish I have been. Dreams never last long.
Perhaps I will make Endymion happy in living an honourable, quiet life here with Seiya, as he told me to. But then he will be alone. As will I. Can we exist apart? I do not wish to believe so.
No. This is not my destiny. This is not how it is suppose to end.
'Lady Serenity. It is time. Your groom awaits you.' Dressed in their finery, a couple of the village girls had come to escort me. The same youthful smiles and blushing cheeks that eagerly watched the men train every evening. Including Endymion. Everything reminded me of him. My heart tightened. With no time to wait the girls fluttered around me, their colourful dresses swirling with excitement. Already dressed in a graceful ivory gown, with long flowing sleeves and flattering bodice, the girls started to usher me out the door. I could think of nothing. My mind was caught in an internal conflict; I was fighting my remorse and grief against my resolution and determination. All my efforts rendered my body immobile.
'Come Serenity, we cannot keep your husband waiting too long.' They referred to Seiya yet my heart could only think of Endymion.
Thick clouds still covered the sky outside. Nevertheless it was still immensely hot, the air thick with the sticky heat. There was no breeze either to offer a refreshing hand. The girls continued to usher me and I still barely took notice at the scenery around me. Or the people gathered for the ceremony. Or even Seiya himself, standing nervously at the make-shift alter. Once beside him the girls separated into the crowd, hands clasped in admiration. The crowd was hushed, eagerly waiting.
I stared straight ahead. I could not face him. Since last night we had not exchanged many words. He had assisted me back to my room as I had become dazed. I was still dazed now. My mind urged my legs to move, to run away and follow Endymion. They remained unresponsive.
He leaned towards me. He whispered how beautiful I was. He gently took my hand in his. He squeezed it comfortingly. I stared ahead, motionless.
Surprisingly he pulled me aside, pulling me a fair distance from the expecting gathering. When we were far enough so that our words could not be over heard, he took both my hands in his. Still unable to look him straight in the eye I focused on the floor underneath our feet.
'I know your are hurting right now Serenity, but he has left you' his voice shook with immense effort, 'He left you here, with me, in my care. I am not here to force you or to make you do anything that will cause you further pain.'
Thunder boomed above us suddenly causing him to jolt unwillingly. I stood as still as a statue.
'Say something. Anything Serenity. We do not have to wed today. The weather seems against it anyway.' He tugged on my hands lightly trying to provoke a response. What an honourable man he was.
Dark clouds thickened. Lightning flashed beside us, illuminating his features. I looked up at his eyes to witness the flash of his spirit within them. It stole my breath. Like Endymion, he was a very attractive man. How sad it was that I could not return his love.
'I am sorry Seiya, I cannot return your love' as I lowered my eyes he stopped me by tilting my cheek up.
'That does not matter to me right now. Even if it takes months, even years I now you will eventually come to love me someday. And I am fine with that Serenity. You and Endymion had a past; I cannot expect you to forget him straight away.'
At his name I flinched. He saw. Scorn flickered in his eyes for an instant.
'I will always love him. I am sorry Seiya.' Thunder crashed around us as lightening sparks surrounded us. The heavens unleashed their fury. Rain poured down soaking us within seconds. Hair stuck to our foreheads. Water dripped from our noses and chins, chilling our bones. Once more I found my knees buckling beneath me. My limbs shuddered as painful sobs escaped me. Seiya dropped to his knees as well. Grabbing my shoulders he tugged for my attention. I lifted my eyes to his enraged ones. His face contorted with anger, the pain I cause obvious.
'Why am I not good enough?' he yelled, shaking me with every word, 'I love you Serenity. I want to keep you safe. To fill every moment we have with laughter and joy. To support you when you need to cry but never be the cause of it. He has hurt you. More than is humanly possible. I understand that you love him. But how can you still want to love him? How can you sacrifice your kind heart to him? I want to help you forget him.'
'I am so sorry. If I could offer you my heart I would. You are a good man Seiya and I do not deserve you, or the kindness you have provided since I stumbled into your life. I no longer know what to do. All I know is that he is a part of me I never want to be without. Sorry.'
'Then there is nothing I can say' I held my breath, 'other than you must follow him. You must tell him how much he means to you and hopefully he will hear you. I cannot make you love me Serenity and I will not force you against your will. I do not want to be the reason that separates you.' Slowly I exhaled unable to fully understand his words, 'Just know this. That if he still rejects you, remember that I will always be here for you.'
I knew words could not express how amazed I was. Seiya was allowing me to follow Endymion. Almost telling me that was my true path. My heart leapt into action, beating loudly for the first time in hours. Hastily I brushed my lips against his cheek with silent appreciation and thanks for his compassion before I gathered my skirts, dashing once more into the nearby forest. I felt his longing eyes on me. Sending a silent pray to the stars to ease his suffering I then sent another for them to guide me safely to my husband. Before I entered the vast forest I inhaled deeply, remembering the ordeal of my last trek across this forest. I took my first step of many, and then broke into a desperate run.