Chapter 21 – Back to You

"Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone."

~ Sara Bareilles

Alexis was getting nervous; Bella hadn't responded to a text, call, or email in five days. Stacie had been answering but was very distracted and changed the subject every time Alexis asked about her friend. Finally, after she felt that there was probably a hole in her stomach from the stress and worry, she called Poppy. Camille, tired of seeing her best friend moping and on edge, actually ordered her to call Poppy; but Alexis didn't take orders, so she was ignoring that part of the conversation. She took a deep breath and called. The redhead answered almost immediately.

"Alexis," she said, in a rather stoic and noncommittal greeting.

"Hi Poppy. Are you guys okay? I've been trying to call Bella for days – "

"No one is dead," Poppy told her, interrupting. "Calm down."

"As nice as that is to know, that doesn't make me feel better," Alexis said dryly. If Poppy was going to be snippy, she wasn't going to hold back her own attitude. "Why isn't Bella answering me? Is she upset with me?" Alex didn't know if the kiss had upset Bella more than she'd realized – or if her telling Bella that she wasn't going away freaked her out – or if it had nothing to do with her at all. She was in the dark and it was driving her insane.

"Why would she be upset with you?" Poppy asked suspiciously.

"It's just weird – I know you guys have something major going on, but even when your mom was really sick – she still answered pretty quickly."

"She's going through some stuff," Poppy admitted cryptically.

"Thank you for clearing that up," Alexis answered disdainfully. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Come on, Poppy. Give me something. Can you tell me anything? Can you get her on the phone?"

"I'm pretty sure my moms took her phone away," Poppy told her. "She's been having panic attacks lately – they're trying to cut down on the stress. Apparently technology is stressful."

"Is she okay?"

"She will be." Poppy continued to be less than helpful. If she knew when they were coming back to school, she didn't share. The following week was spring break, so it would be at least another week before they would come back anyway. Alexis' heart thudded painfully in her chest as she thought about the possibility that they wouldn't come back.

Leaving her half-written history paper behind, she walked nervously across campus to the building where Emily's office was located. From her time planning activities for the Bellas, she knew that the tall brunette had open office hours that day – and Alexis paced the empty hall as she waited for the current student to leave. It took about twenty minutes but a freshman exited, laptop and textbook in her arms. The door was slightly ajar and Alexis knocked.

"Come in!" Emily called. She looked up as Alexis entered and closed the door. She sat across from Emily at the small oak table. "Alexis," she said, hiding her surprise fairly well. "How are you?"

"Not that great, actually. I know it's probably not my business – but I wanted to ask you about Bella and Poppy – I haven't been able to get in touch with Bella for almost a week. And Poppy isn't saying anything. And Stacie keeps changing the subject – and I'm worried."

Emily looked sympathetic. "The whole family is going through a lot right now," she told her. "I don't think Bella is purposefully ignoring you – I think her moms took away her phone and laptop."

"That's what Poppy said."

Emily picked up her phone and typed in a message. She set it aside again and looked over at Alexis. "That's all I can do," she told her. "Hopefully something comes of it. I'm sorry I can't tell you more – "

"That's okay," Alexis answered. "I wasn't expecting you to tell me everything – I just want to know that Bella is okay."

"She will be," Emily answered with a sympathetic smile. Alexis didn't like that answer – she had heard it twice now. And the general understanding she took away from that statement was that Bella was not okay at the moment. And that made Alexis feel extremely frustrated and useless because she was in no position to help.

Alexis thanked Emily and left the office and building. She was half way back to the Bella house when her phone rang. She saw who it was and walked over to a nearby bench and sat down before answering it. She sighed gently before speaking.

"Hello?"

"You're worrying," Stacie said, without greeting.

"Wouldn't you be – if you had no idea what was going on?" The older woman didn't answer.

"They're okay," she promised. "If very stressed."

"Are they coming back?" Alexis asked meekly, not wanting to even think about the alternative possibilities. Now that she had Bella – she was pretty sure her heart would shatter from losing her, even as just a friend. Saying she had grown attached to the younger girl was an understatement.

"I don't know for sure," Stacie told her softly. "But I think so. Did you try Poppy? I'm sure she still has her phone." Alexis described her conversation with the redheaded twin and Stacie's eyes narrowed – it didn't sound normal. But she brushed it off and refocused on Alexis "What are you doing over spring break?"

"Research paper on the works of Margaret Atwood," she said dryly. "And apparently, worrying."

"Why don't you come out here?" Stacie suggested. "I'll send you a ticket – "

"You don't have to do that –"

"I'm well aware of what I do and do not have to do, Alexis." Her stern tone stopped the young woman's arguments on that topic. That had argued before over money and the like; Alexis knew she couldn't win.

"I don't want to intrude," she answered.

"You won't be intruding," Stacie promised. "I'll talk to Beca to check – but I'm sure Bella would like to see you. I'll send you a ticket sometime today. I'll pick you up at the airport on Saturday – let me know if you need anything else."

"Thank you," Alexis answered, somewhat relieved.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize how worried you were. I wasn't trying to keep you in the dark – I've just been distracted. We all have." When the ended the conversation, Alexis felt somewhat better. She hurried back to her room and quickly packed before going to her computer and finishing her history paper.

Once Stacie had finished speaking with Alexis, she called Beca.

"Hey," the brunette said. She was standing in her studio, trying to decide if there was anything she could concentrated enough to work on. The current answer was no.

"Hey, Becs. How is everyone?"

"We're okay. Getting a little restless. I think it will be easier to start feeling – not so frozen – once the hearing is over on Tuesday."

"You're probably right," Stacie agreed. "So – I got a message from Emily. Do you still have Bella's phone and computer?"

"Yeah," Beca responded. "I know you think it's draconian – but she does better without them. She's calmer. And she's not complaining. Why do you ask?"

"Because that leaves Alexis on the east coast - climbing the walls, not knowing if her friend is alright. She was desperate enough today to go and find Emily."

"She hasn't tried Poppy?"

"I think your eldest redhead it a little more calculating than you give her credit for," Stacie responded. "I'm not sure why she's messing with Alexis, but I think she is." Beca sighed – Poppy had not been herself, any more than any of them had. She and Bella had been at each other's throats since they had decided on very different courses of action when it came to speaking at the hearing. Poppy was not usually mean-spirited, but Beca hadn't liked her attitude the past few days. "But I didn't call to get Poppy into trouble," she added. "I invited Alexis to California for spring break. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course," Beca answered. "I think Bella will be happy to see her. I'll talk to Poppy. But she is staying with you, right? Because I think – "

"Oh, I know," Stacie responded before Beca could finished. "I'm certain nothing is coming of it – but I haven't seen such a strong of case of unresolved sexual tension since you and Chloe were both pretending to be straight – "

"That's enough Stacie."

The taller woman laughed. "It's okay, Becs. You keep on pretending to be asexual. We'll all keep playing along. And it's fine about the girls – I invited Alexis – I was planning to have her stay with me."

None of her children were in their rooms, so Beca continued down the stairs to see who she could find. When she walked into the living room, she found a surprising scene. Poppy, who had been sitting with her toes on the coffee table, painting them, stood up and stomped across the room. She grabbed one of the dulcimer hammers out of Vera's hand and was about to throw it at the wall when Beca snapped out of her shock and yelled.

"Poppy!" Poppy stopped, her hand dropping immediately to her side and the beautifully carved piece of wood falling softly to the floor. Vera picked it up and held it protectively to her chest, glaring at her sister. "What is going on in here?" Beca demanded, stepping out of the hall and into the room. A slight look of guilt passed through her eyes but was quickly replaced by anger.

"I'm tired of listening to that thing. I asked her to stop – "

"We have like fifteen other rooms in this house," Beca responded. "It didn't occur to you to move to one of them?" Poppy glared and said nothing. "We do not snatch things, throw things, or destroy property in this house." Beca pointed up the staircase. "Go to your room – now." The eighteen-year-old stomped up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door. Luckily, Dahlia and Chloe were out. Bella, though, had been watching from the entry to the kitchen since Beca had first yelled. She grimaced at the slam of the door and gave her mother an apologetic expression before turning back into the kitchen with a small bowl of yogurt in her hand.

Beca closed her eyes and forced herself to take several deep breaths. She was angry and she was very well aware of it. When she opened them again, Vera hadn't moved. Crossing the room, Beca gently extracted the hammers from her fingers and drew her into a hug. "She didn't ask me to stop," Vera told her softly. "She just came over and grabbed it – she looked so angry – "

"She's having a bad day, love," Beca said soothingly. "You didn't do anything wrong." Vera was shaken. No matter how many times Beca told her she was allowed to play, she couldn't anymore – she put the hammers back into their case and moved over to the sofa, picking up her tablet that had been sitting on an end table. Beca tried to talk to her, but she was freezing her out – she was mad at Poppy, a little frightened over the situation – and she wasn't ready to talk about either.

When Beca made it to Poppy's room, the door was locked. "Poppy Alexandra Beale Mitchell," she called sternly. "You have two choices. The one where you don't unlock this door is not going to be pleasant," she warned. Less than a minute later, she heard the lock click and draw out of place. When she entered, Poppy was back on her bed, sitting cross legged and glaring at her computer. Beca closed it and set it on a table by the door. "That's mine for now," she told her calmly. Poppy glared but said nothing. Beca pulled the desk chair over and sat facing her daughter. "Can you explain to me what happened downstairs?"

"No," Poppy responded.

Beca's brows raised. "No – you can't explain? Or no – you're choosing not to?"

"I really don't want to talk to you right now," Poppy responded.

"That's fine," Beca responded. "You can stay right here until you change your mind – and until you decide that you're going to apologize to your sister." She held out her hand. "Phone."

"It's my phone – "

"I believe my name on the bill says differently," Beca responded. "Now, Poppy." The teen held short of slamming the device into her mother's hand, she knew that would earn her the full wrath of both mothers (they were absolutely against any kind of physical displays of anger – slamming doors got the girls into more trouble than swearing ever had) – but the attitude was still at full blast. Beca slipped her tablet off of her nightstand on the way out the door, leaving with all of Poppy's precious technology. The items went into her studio and the door was locked.

When Beca walked back into the living room, Vera was curled up on the sofa, her head in Bella's lap. The older girl was reading a thick book while Vera stared glassily at a program on the television. "What do you ladies want for dinner?" Beca asked, knowing from their demeanors that neither was ready or willing to talk.

"I just ate Yogurt," Bella told her.

"Which is a snack – not a meal," Beca replied. "And dinner is in like two hours – you can eat something again." She looked at Vera. "V, what do you want?" Vera looked thoughtful. Eventually, she looked up at her mother hopefully.

"Can we have chicken puffs?" It was a recipe that they had no more than once or twice a year – it had been one of their favorite dishes that Sheila made – but it was full of butter and cream cheese and Chloe usually balked at having largely unhealthy meals when they weren't eating out. Beca normally agreed with her. But a few times a year, they made an exception.

"I think we can do that," Beca responded with a smile. Vera smiled back, brightly. Beca walked into the kitchen and began pulling out ingredients. She texted Chloe, who sent back a smiley face in response – she was onboard for artery-clogging creamy goodness.

Bella joined Beca after a bit and helped by making a salad and setting the kitchen table. "Aunt Stacie called me a little while ago," Beca told her. "Alexis is worried. Love – we took away your phone to help – not to punish you. If you wanted to call – "

"I didn't know what to say," Bella responded, looking up from her task of folding napkins. "I knew I could have asked for it back," she admitted. She shrugged. "But what am I supposed to say?"

"About what, exactly?" Beca asked, sitting down at the table.

Bella looked around the room, checking the doorways, her eyes flitting from place to place, never finding purchase. Eventually, she sighed and spoke, looking back in the direction of her mother. "Before we left Georgia – she kissed me. I mean – I kissed her too. It wasn't unwanted – it was just scary. And I freak out every time I think about it."

"I understand that," Beca admitted honestly. "Did you have a chance to talk to her about it?"

Bella nodded. "I pretty much told her that I'm not ready for any kind of relationship and I don't know if I ever will be."

"What did she say?"

"That she would wait," Bella said, sitting down with a sigh of exasperation. Beca bit back the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She leaned over and kissed Bella's temple.

"Love, it sounds like you might have found one of the good ones. If she's willing to wait – as long as she's not pressuring you – then let her wait. Who knows what can happen. Your mom waited for four years while I dated Uncle Jesse and figured things out – and then another year for – " she stopped herself short. "Which is not a conversation for the kitchen. But it's okay sometimes to let someone care about you, even if you're not sure if you're ready to reciprocate."

Bella shook her head and made a face. "It's so creepy thinking of you with Uncle Jesse," she said. Beca laughed.

"It wasn't that creepy," Beca said. "We were just best friends who kissed sometimes." She shrugged. Her relationship with Jesse was nothing she regretted. She loved Chloe more than she ever thought it possible to love another human being – but her time with Jesse had been a time of exploring herself – figuring out who she was – before she was ready for a commitment and dedication as heavy as what she had with Chloe.

Beca allowed Poppy out of her room for dinner and she was sullen, but the rest of the family was able to converse and keep it pretty light. Vera and Dahlia were particularly delighted by dinner – and Bella actually had a second helping.

After dinner, Beca filled Chloe in on Poppy's outburst. "That's not like her," Chloe responded, her expression pained.

"I know," Beca responded. "We need to talk to her – you up for it?"

Chloe nodded reluctantly. She really wasn't ready for any deep conversations at the moment – but she knew Poppy needed them. They found their eldest daughter in her bedroom, sprawled across the bed with a book in her hand. She wasn't reading it at the moment – but her finger was keeping a place marked. She sat up when she saw Beca and Chloe enter the room. Her face did little to hide her annoyance.

"You might want to take that glare down a bit," Beca warned. Poppy said nothing, simply set her book on the nightstand and crossed her arms over her chest. Chloe sat at the end of the bed facing her and Beca pulled up the desk chair.

"Poppy – what happened today with Vera?" Chloe asked softly.

"I don't know," she said, irritably. She sighed. "I was annoyed. It just happened."

"It's not going to happen again," Beca told her. "I know it's been really hard lately – but taking it out on your sister is not acceptable."

Poppy said nothing. "Is this about the hearing?" Chloe asked finally.

"I don't want to talk about it," Poppy said angrily. "Can you just leave me alone?"

Chloe looked at Beca, who was also unsure of how to proceed. "No," Beca said simply. "Because we love you – and we know that this isn't you. And we can't help unless you talk to us."

"There's nothing you can do," Poppy told them. "I'm tired of talking about all this crap. It happened – it's over – there's nothing we can do but try to move on – but how can we do that when we're stuck here doing nothing? I don't want to talk about it anymore – I don't want to think about it anymore – I just want to move on."

Chloe pursed her lips, studying her daughter before speaking again. "Poppy – it's okay to want to move on – it's a good thing. But you can't ignore what's happened. And you can't carry around all this anger." Poppy shut them out then, refusing to continue any type of conversation. They eventually gave up for the evening – telling her they loved her and leaving her to her own thoughts.

That night, Bella knocked on her mother's bedroom door and waited for an answer. Beca opened it, revealing that they were preparing for bed. She already had on a pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. Chloe had just exited the shower and was inside the open walk-in closet in her robe.

"Hey, Love. What's up?"

"Can I have my phone back for a few minutes?" Beca nodded and pointed up. Bella followed her into her studio and watched Beca pull it from a locked drawer.

"Just bring it back to me when you're done – or you can slide it under the door if you prefer."

"Mama, you'll step on it."

Beca nodded with an amused smile. "You're probably right. You'd better just bring it right to me." She left Bella alone and the teen looked at the object in her hand. It seemed foreign after almost a week without it. She eventually sighed and powered it on. She dialed it and walked out of her mother's studio, wanting her own private space. She was back in her bedroom by the time Alexis answered, breathlessly. "Hello?"

"Hi, Alex," she said meekly.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry I scared you," Bella responded, not answering the question. "My moms took away my phone – and computer." She paused; it wasn't fair or true to blame them. "They would have let me call – but I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry. It was childish – you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just – overwhelmed."

"You don't have to apologize," Alexis told her. "I'm sorry – for whatever you're going through." She laughed nervously. "I have to admit, I was worried a few times that I'd upset you."

"You didn't," Bella promised. "I'm still not ready – and I still don't expect you to wait. But you didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not upset with you."

"Stacie invited me to stay with her over spring break. Are you okay with that?"

"Absolutely," Bella answered honestly. "It'll be fun. You've never been to California."

"Nope," Alexis answered with a pop in the 'p,' "DeDe and Tom felt that everything that was worth seeing was either on the east coast – northern east coast, preferably – and in Europe."

"How are the jackasses?"

"I haven't heard from them."

"They are insane to be willing to lose you. You didn't do anything wrong," she told her, for the third time. "I'm sorry."

"I know," Alexis responded. "It'll get better. It has to," she said with a laugh that sounded hollow.

"It will be really good to see you. If you need anything in the next couple of days, text or call Vera. I'll send you her number."

"What's up with Poppy? She was – well, she was rude."

"It's just been a bad couple of weeks. It's actually been a really sucky year," she admitted. "But yes, Poppy is being a Bitch. We're not currently talking – that's probably why she was rude to you. Sorry about that."

"Not your fault." They ended the conversation pretty quickly after that and Bella carried the phone to her parents' room, handing it back to Beca and kissing both moms goodnight.

Alexis felt quite a bit of relief when she allowed Stacie to hug her at the airport. Weeks' worth of fear and doubt dissipated. "Welcome to the sunshine state, kidd-o," Stacie told her, slinging an arm around her shoulders and leading her to the baggage claim. Twenty minutes later, they were on the highway headed to the upper crust neighborhood in LA where Stacie lived. She owned a condo in a gated community. The ocean was visible from her second floor balcony. Alexis stared at it after she unpacked the few things she'd brought with her. Stacie smiled and knocked on the frame of the open door. "It's a little different from the Atlantic," she said, when Alexis looked back at her.

"This is amazing," she responded. Stacie smiled and shrugged contentedly.

"I like it. Are you ready?" Alexis nodded; she had showered and changed and blown her hair dry. The airport and plane were clean enough – but she still felt a little gross when she'd landed at LAX. The drive to the Beale Mitchell residence took no more than fifteen minutes.

Stacie didn't knock – she reached for the doorknob and turned it. It opened into a mudroom of sorts – and then she opened the next – which led into the kitchen. Alexis immediately caught sight of Dahlia and Vera at the table, both sitting with books open in front of them. When Stacie ushered her inside, she saw Beca standing at the sink, cleaning strawberries.

"Hey, guys," she said cheerfully. "Welcome, Alexis."

"Hi, Alexis, Hi Aunt Stacie!" Vera called, not moving from her place. "I have to finish this or the dictator says I can't go outside."

"Me too," Dahlia said sadly. But she turned back to the assignment. Stacie looked at Beca, who shrugged.

"Chloe's rules – I just get to be the enforcer. Two weeks without school work – it's about time to start catching up." She walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up. "Bella!" Less than two minutes later, Bella appeared in front of them, hugging Stacie and then Alexis.

"How was your flight?"

"I haven't been on a plane for that long in years," Alexis admitted. "It was okay. My ears are still kind of weird."

"When there aren't people in the room who will make fun of you, pinch your nose and blow," Beca told her. "It works."

"But you would make fun of me?"

"Absolutely," Beca responded with a grin. "It looks ridiculous."

"Come on," Bella told her, tugging at her arm. "I'll give you the tour." She led Alexis through the entire house, showing her everything from the brand new dulcimer to the attic where Chloe kept everything carefully labeled and packaged. When they were finished, she led Alexis out to the back deck, stopping to grab them both bottles of water.

Alexis marveled at the beautiful backyard. It was currently blooming with some of Chloe's gardening masterpieces. "This is amazing. You grew up here?" They sat together on two chaise lounges on the second tier of the deck. Huge Peruvian lilies sat in pots and baskets around them.

Bella nodded. "We were lucky. Mom and Mama lived in a smaller place – but bought this when they got pregnant with us."

"Your Mama gave birth to all three of you, right?"

Bella nodded, smiling. "And she never lets us forget it. Mom said she was a bit difficult when she was pregnant." A bit difficult was putting it politely. Chloe had told them stories that made them wonder how Beca had agreed to get pregnant with Vera. But she had. Bella was silent for several minutes before broach the subject she knew she needed to.

"Alexis, I'm really sorry I didn't call – "

"You already apologized. It's okay."

"It's not," Bella responded with a shake of her head. "But it's what I was trying to tell you before we left. As much as I care about you – I don't think this is a good idea. I'm not ready – "

"Bella?"

"Yep?"

"Stop talking for a second." She did and Alexis' eye met her own and held their gaze. "I'm sorry the kiss happened when it did. Not that it happened – but that it happened before you were ready for it. I blame myself for that – " Bella tried to interrupt but was cut off by a shake of the other woman's head. "But I need you to understand that I'm not in any hurry here. There's no need to be. I'm not suffering without a girlfriend – but I would be lost if you stopped being my friend. That's all I'm asking – I need you to keep being my friend. Is that doable?" Bella nodded, tears singing her eyes.

"Well don't cry," Alexis teased. "The whole point of that diatribe was to make you feel better."

"I do," Bella answered honestly. She leaned back against her chair and took a shuttering breath. "It's just been a really long couple of months. And I'm tired – and overwhelmed. But I'll be fine," she promised.

The remainder of the day was fairly calm and Alexis and Stacie stayed for dinner and a cut-throat came of Scrabble. Poppy refused to play, but everyone else participated. Afterwards, Stacie took Alexis home.

"It's not my business what's going on," Alexis told her, as they pulled into the driveway. "Not until Bella wants to tell me – but is there anything I can do?" Stacie smiled softly.

"You're doing it. That was the happiest I've seen Bella in weeks. She needed a friend – and you were here. That's what she needs right now."

Beca returned to their bedroom after saying goodnight to each of the girls. Poppy was still giving her the cold shoulder, but she wasn't going to back down so easily. Chloe was already in bed, reading glasses slipping to the edge of her nose as she concentrated on something on her tablet. Beca slipped in beside her and looked at the screen. It was a book.

"What's that?"

"It's about sexual abuse," Chloe told her, closing the app. "I thought it might be helpful."

"Is it?"

Chloe shrugged. "Mostly, it's confirming everything we already know – the signs that we missed over the years – " her voice broke off and Beca leaned against her taking her hand.

"Hey, what did we talk about? This is not our fault – or the girls'. We couldn't have known."

"The signs were all there – "

"They always are in hindsight," Beca responded.

"I feel like I should have known. Isn't that my job – to know when something is wrong with my children?"

"You're a human being – not a mind reader, not a god." They talked for a bit longer, each continuing to comfort the other – to try to make sense out of anything in their lives at that moment. In the end, no answers were reached – but they were together. And at that moment, it was enough.