These people are Stephenie Meyer's creations . . .

"Why are we wearing matching rings?"

Chapter 20 - Looking Forward

"Er . . . " My treacherous brain abandoned me. I turned to Bella with startled eyes.

"I don't think it's too much for me to ask for the truth." She was right. How could I have thought she would miss our conspicuously matching wedding bands or that when she noticed, it wouldn't raise a question? I just stared at Bella.

"I think I know, Edward. But I'd still like to hear it from you. Please tell me."

"You realize that you're jumping ahead to the end of the story," I asked, an obvious delaying tactic. This didn't fit in with my brilliant plan at all.

"Yes, well, I've been thinking about that, too." Bella hesitated, but I didn't interrupt. "I'm not sure I want to keep going with it, at least not like we have."

I was surprised. "Why, Bella?"

Bella sighed. "Honestly, Edward, I don't think it's going to do any good. And it's starting to make me sad. I'm really sorry if that hurts you," she added contritely.

"Bella, you should not be worried about my feelings at all – I'm not hurt. I just wanted to help you. If this isn't helping, then I will gladly do anything you want. I would never want to make you sad." Unfortunately, I didn't have another suggestion. "What would you like to do?"

She was twisting her fingers in her lap. "What if we just forgot about the past, and started looking to the future?" Something she saw in my expression made her explain further. "I don't mean forget the past – I just mean let it come . . . naturally. If I ask a question about something, I'd still like an answer. But Edward, I enjoy our time together so much more on the days that we forget about the memory lessons and just have fun. And I think it would be easier on you, too. I hate seeing you in pain."

"Bella, please don't make this about me." That was so Bella-like that my heart did a flip of recognition. "That said I will do this any way you want. So, we will go with your plan – no more memory lessons, and I will answer your questions as they arise. Deal?"

"Deal," Bella affirmed. "So, that brings us full circle." She waggled her left hand at me. Oops.

I sighed. Then I swallowed nervously a couple of times. I could feel her becoming impatient. I turned to face Bella, taking her left hand in mine. The subject matter, so dear to my heart, caused my voice to turn soft and reverent.

"On August 13th, to my great joy and wonder, you became my wife - we were married, Bella. It was, without a doubt, the happiest day of my long life." Bella's reaction shocked me.

First she grinned. Then her smile broadened. Finally, she started laughing. I was vexed.

"Would you mind telling me what is even remotely funny about that?" I asked flatly.

She quieted, although a chuckle or two still escaped her. When she saw the look on my face she sobered completely. She crawled onto my lap and put her arms around me. With her face hidden against my neck, she whispered, "I think I've known it for the longest time. Perhaps it's even a memory – I don't know. But I think maybe I was laughing because I'm happy. It's wonderful to have someone I can hold onto – to have something I can count on when I don't even know who I am. It makes me feel . . . safe."

I kissed my wife, completely mollified. Of course, her admission only upgraded my status to security blanket. But I'd have to take what I could get.

From that point onward, we put Bella's plan into effect – have fun and forget about the past unless it intrudes in some way. I hadn't realized how it had been affecting me – it was a relief to get away from the scheduled programming. I could now devote all of my energy into achieving my goal – winning Bella's love.

And, after a few days, I acknowledged that Bella had once again been completely in the right of it. Letting go of the past was freeing, perhaps for me more than Bella. Her observation was correct – I had been wallowing in remorse – which had the unintended effect of making what had happened in the past about me, rather than about her. It was a different form of selfishness, and one that I now sought to avoid at all costs.

There was only one thought that leaked through to trouble me from time to time. I felt a little uneasy about leaving the story before the subject of Jacob Black had been fully revealed. But truthfully, what could I say? After I left you Jacob became your best friend and then he fell in love with you but in the end you chose me. Oh, and he's a werewolf, so even if you wanted to be with him you are now natural enemies and you each think the other smells disgusting. Okay, so perhaps I was making light of it. Obviously, at some point Bella would need to learn about the existence of werewolves and perhaps even the whole story with Jacob, but I wanted nothing to spoil our present happiness. If that was playing unfairly, so be it. My capacity for generosity in sharing Bella's love was extremely limited.

What followed was a time of carefree pleasure for us. We had experienced that so rarely in the past – always being pursued from one danger to the other. Our days and weeks were now spent in idle amusement.

We read, played, danced. I began teaching Bella to play the piano and she progressed quickly. Feeding came easier to her, and I still proudly presented her with each kill. She learned the joy of running with the unnatural speed of our kind, and we spent time outdoors every day. Bella seemed ecstatically happy.

Only one thing separated me from complete happiness as well – I still did not know the depths of Bella's feelings for me. It seemed as if her regard for me was increasing, but she never said the words. I could be patient, I told myself. There was, after all, no hurry – in the literal sense, we had all the time in the world. But my body thought differently.

When Bella was laughing and happy, I could rarely resist taking her in my arms and kissing her with a fierceness I struggled to restrain. That she responded so fully did not help my cause. I was left gasping and aching for more each time I pulled away from her. And I began to notice that she appeared to be frustrated as well. The casualness of our encounters was dissipating quickly, being replaced by an intense need to reach ultimate fulfillment.

I tried to remind myself of my internal vow – that I must know Bella loved me in order to re-consummate our relationship. The swiftness with which I was conceiving of various ways to rationalize it – to utterly undermine that commitment - was laughable. With this temptation, I was fighting a very different kind of monster.

It wouldn't be seduction any more – she clearly cared for me and was fully responsive. Yes, but she is wholly dependent on you – so what's the difference? Even if she hasn't completely fallen in love with me, I loved her with my whole heart. Surely showing her my love could not debase our relationship in any way? And I'm certain that she wants me. And are you content to take her, if her motivation is lust rather than love? She could stop me any time – she knows that my love for her is unconditional. But would she? Her selflessness knows no bounds – she may consent just to please you.

My conflicting thoughts and thwarted desire were driving me mad. On some level, though, I acknowledged that I was fighting a losing battle. I did not believe I could hold out much longer. This particular monster was going to win in the end. I greatly anticipated his impending victory.

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