It all seemed like a bad dream now.

It was New Years day and the circus was preparing for the fireworks. We had made it back a bit over a week ago. 'We' being Crepsley, myself, and Evra of course. I hadn't left Evra's side until Mr. Tall gently but firmly pointed out that my task was sewing and Evra was not good with needles. So, though my guilt didn't subside entirely, we parted.

In truth, since that night, I hadn't done much of anything that I normally did. I was racked with guilt even afterwards, even when we returned to the circus. I smiled, but I didn't laugh so easily anymore. I was serious most of the time, as though it was a self-imposed punishment.

Crepsley and I had performed quite a gamble with everyone's life involved. In the end though, we had Evra back, Erik was safe and sound – though occasionally missed – and Murlough was dead and secretly buried. Something about violating the treaty, of course. After that incident, we spent just shy of another week in the city.

Evra and I hung out with Erik. When Evra would slip away to get another snack or some other excuse, Erik and I would kiss. I never thought I could feel such a strong mixture of giddy joy and bitter longing as I did with the man. I was glad to have met him, to spend all that time with him, to share the conversations and laughs…but I was also angry that it was just a memory as it happened. It could never be anything serious. Never mind the truth, the age issue would be soon apparent.

Still, I tried to cherish the lessons he taught me. I would never fall in love with someone who didn't love my laugh, who didn't light up when they saw me, who didn't know how to be themselves and accept me as myself – well, nearly entirely at least. I hoped I taught him a few lessons as well.

So when we left the city, I wrote him a note with doodles of Mario Kart, bubble tea, hand holding, and my lips – well "my" lips – on the edges. I thanked him for how he helped shape my expectations for the future and apologized for the brief time. 'One day', I added towards the bottom, 'when you're opening your own gallery, you will see me again'. I signed it with my full name.

I left the note and a small box of well-reviewed brushes at his house before we left.

Evra and Crepsley had let me have my space around then. I was relieved. I wasn't sure how I'd react given that it was all my first time, but…well. I think the heartache was easier to deal with when Crepsley spoke to me. We resumed our lessons, both historical and sparring, which took my mind off of the recent past.

So now it was New Years day. I helped around as much as I could while bundling up, wary of the snow. In all honesty, I was pushing myself to help as many people as I could. Guilt was a wonderful, irritating thing. I suspected, hoped really, that it would fade away soon. Even with Evra's reassurances, I still felt a tug at my heart when I thought back to that night.

When night came, I had just finished changing into my good jeans and jacket, adjusting my backwards hat. It didn't take long to find Crepsley. We darted out for a quick drink – many would be too drunk the following night to do it then – and returned just before midnight.

The circus members gathered around in a clearing. Crepsley and I stayed on the edge of the woods, our heightened senses making fireworks a brilliantly bad idea. I sat on a rock and leaned against the tree behind me as the others prepared. Crepsley stood near me, chuckling. Everyone had lined up and was thrilled, talking excitedly.

Mr. Tall gave the signal to start the countdown. Everyone started at ten and went backwards. When they reached zero, midnight, they lit the fireworks and shouted, "Happy New Year!"

Crepsley grimaced at the noise and sounds, but put up with it. "What is your New Years wish, Mistress Ivy?" He inquired as a particularly bright green firework exploded above. "Mistress Ivy?" Pause. "Sam?" He turned to look where I sat.

I was half asleep, using the tree behind me as a bed. I thought I had mumbled something, but it didn't appear so. I heard a soft scoff from the vampire and pictured him smirking. He must have thought I was out cold – and honestly, I was an inch from being so. "You have worked yourself to the bone this year, Sam." His voice got closer as he walked over to my other side, his whisper clear despite the fireworks. "So tired that you have run yourself down. Well…no matter." I felt his arms slip behind my back and under my knees as he lifted me without trouble.

Part of me thought I should speak, tell him I could walk. The other part, however, wanted to just sleep. It felt nice, this source of warmth that I could feel through my jacket. My head lolled to the side, resting against his shoulder. One of my arms dangled. When he started to walk, the rocking motion shut the other part of me up. This was too good to stop, too relaxing.

I sensed we entered the tent. My cot was bound to be my next destination. I wouldn't feel much of it though as I fell into a dead slumber then and there. Just before I did, however, I thought I heard Crepsley speak again. "I wish to hear your laugh again soon."

Eventually over the next month, I worked on living with myself. Forgiving myself, really. In the end, after all, we had all survived and walked in victory. No one blamed me but myself, so I learned to do the same.

By Valentine's, I walked into my tent to see another card. It was simple enough but with a little heart on the inside. Again, like the two years previous, it was unsigned. Who was my well-wisher and secret admirer?

My mind flickered to Crepsley. I blushed at the thought. Before letting myself get too far in that daydream, I took the three cards and walked over to his trailer. Could it be him? Our sparring sessions had gotten more…physical lately. Well, if one could call flipping each other over shoulders and tackling 'physical'. How did vampires even date?

At a complete loss, I knocked on his door. Judging by the sun setting, he was probably just waking up. "What is it?" His grouchy voice rang out.

I smirked. "Are you dressed?"

"Yes, what are you…"

I entered before he could finish his statement. "Morning."

Crepsley glared at me from across the room. He wore his usual outfit which made me blink. How did he sleep in that? Vampires. "Is there something you need that could not wait, Mistress Ivy?"

I held up the three cards. "I was wondering, are you the one behind these?"

"Behind what?" He raised a brow as he walked over. When he realized I was talking about the cards, he shook his head. "Of course not."

"Oh." I was surprised at how much disappointment I felt. "I wonder who…wait." I placed my hand on my hip. "Are you saying that I'm not worthy of such love from you?!"

His eyes widened and I nearly laughed at how horrified he looked. "What?! What are you talking about?"

"The Valentine's cards, you…" I stopped, looking at them, then at him. Didn't he know what I was asking about before he answered? Then again, he…an idea came to mind, though it was a bit laughable. But still. "Mr. Crepsley...how do you pronounce this word?" I opened the recent card and pointed to 'Day'.

His eyes glanced over it and something flashed over them. Then he scoffed and adjusted his coat. "I am not your English teacher, Mistress Ivy. If that is all, we will…"

"Mr. Crepsley, can you read?" I asked so bluntly that even I grimaced.

His face darkened and his lips twitched. "Of course I can, you insufferable brat! Now go…"

"But you couldn't even read 'day'!" I paused. "Alright, sorry, I should have had more tact, but…you really don't?!"

"Mistress Ivy," he growled as he shot daggers at me with his eyes, "leave me this instance."

I shook my head. "It would make sense," I mused aloud, "that you wouldn't since literacy wasn't a huge thing when you were born. I imagine by the time you were older, it didn't seem terribly i-…"

"Mistress Ivy! Enough!" His face was flush with embarrassment. "Outside, now!"

I obeyed only because I knew we wouldn't get anywhere with him like this. As I waited outside, I looked over at the cards. Well, that answered something, just not the thing I wanted. I waited for him to cool down and step outside. No doubt sparring would be brutal today, I thought.

When he did step outside, he looked tense and irritable. I couldn't resist. "Mr. Crepsley?"

"What is it?" He glared, miffed that I had found out.

"If you want," I said slowly before quickening my speech, "I can teach you how to…you know."

Crepsley watched me closely before sighing. "If you breathe even a word of it to anyone…"

"I won't!" I smiled up at him.

He gave me a short nod, his approval of the idea, and started to walk. I followed him into the forest with a grin. This would be fun.

Five years passed.

It pleased me to say that my ability to fight improved greatly since then. In fact, many things changed over the years. Crepsley could read and write – it was a sadistic pleasure of mine to know that he found me just as irritating as I found him, as a student does to the teacher. And Evra had grown! In fact, he even had a girlfriend, which I teased him without mercy.

And I…didn't really change much. Not physically, like Evra. I looked seventeen even though in truth I was twenty-three. I still wore blue jeans, shorts, and whatever shirt would fit, but over the years I compensated by adding a bit to my outfits. Having learned from Truska, who really did feel like a second mother at that point, I changed my shirts by sewing the edges in a certain way or with different colored thread. I would cut at the collar or make patterns from the sleeves. Small things, but it made me feel more…feminine.

My hair stayed just above my shoulders, blonde and messy from my adventures. I never roamed without my hat. That was one thing I refused to give up. Crepsley had his red capes, I had my blue hat, is how I would reason.

We traveled the world with the circus, picking up and bidding farewell to several members. I loved it, being able to see the new places, the new people. And, alright, admittedly I had taken an interest in the men we saw. More than once I would venture towards the city or town closest near our camp, find a guy, and go on a few dates. No one ever said anything against it so long as I finished my tasks at the circus. Crepsley didn't either, though I swore I could see a flash of something, a scowl maybe, pass over his face every time it was brought up.

There was never anything more than a few dates, a make out session…and maybe some feeling. It was impossible to hold a long-term relationship and, honestly, I don't think I wanted one at this point. I was only twenty-three and I was still trying to figure myself out…what would be the point of saddling on another person I'd have to decode on top of that? Still, it was fun.

Over the past few years, I had kept up with where my family was at. The last I knew as of six months ago, they were all living together near my aunt. Once they had moved to the new the state and city where my father had gone through physical therapy, they stayed. I was glad, it suggested the economic climate was better. I made sure to call or at least write near holidays and their birthdays – even my mother's, though I doubted she ever opened my letters.

So when my sister's birthday, Jaime, came around, I opted to call her. She was turning eighteen! I couldn't miss that milestone. I had to wait until it was six in the evening over there – time zones were trippy. When it was, I made my way into the town nearby and used their payphone. It took only two rings for her to answer.

"Happy birthday!" I shouted into the receiver, laughing as I heard her curse. "Hey Jam, you're now legal! How's it feel?"

"Ouch, Sam, you shouldn't shout at people through the phone when they first pick up!" She protested although it only encouraged my laughter.

Over the years, she had taken my times of contact and updated me with her life. To her, it was as though I had just wondered off to college or something. We never spoke of when we'd see each other next and I was grateful for that. At this point, I couldn't no matter how much I wanted – she would look older than me!

"Well I've gotta shout, you're old so your hearing might be shot." I snickered.

I heard a smile in her words. "If it wasn't before, it is now. And hey, who are you calling old, big sis?"

"Touche. So what have you done today?!" I bounced on my heels in the booth, curious to hear. "Big cake? Presents? Hang out with friends? How are mother and dad doing?"

I was so excited for her that I failed to notice the pause on the other line. "Good," she answered lightly, "and uh, yeah, cake and presents. Friends. And…"

"And what?" I raised a brow, then grinned. "Did you get a booooooyfrieeeend?" I could only imagine how dad reacted to that.

"No, I um…" her hesitation made me stop smiling. "Look, Sam, I'm…I'm just going to be honest with you. I…I got married today."

Silence.

"Sam? You still there?"

"To…who? I mean, congrats! Er. Who is the…guy?" I forced the words out of my throat. Marriage? She hadn't mentioned a boyfriend last time we spoke.

"To uh…one of…mother's friend's son. Jeffrey." Then it sounded like she was holding her breath.

I froze as I processed this. She married…a man with money, an arranged marriage…that was what she was telling me. Only when the phone receiver cracked did I realize my grip had been tightening. "You…you mean like a…you mean…but why?! How?! I thought you were doing better!"

"Why do you have to attack the idea?!" She instantly protested.

I felt my teeth gnash together. "Because you haven't said you loved him yet." Silence. "Oh my god. Did she force you into this? Jaime? Tell me, did she pressure you to marry this creep? If she did, you can get a divorce and…"

"Samantha, stop." I started at how grown up my baby sister sounded. "You make it sound so easy…but it isn't. We can't all run away like you did. Some of us aren't built for that, we aren't strong enough for that. Some of us…just want a place to call 'home'…and financial stability. Look, it's true that we weren't well off…and it's true that mother introduced me to Jeffrey. But it was my decision to marry him, alright?" Pause. "It was the best option I had." There was a hint of exhaustion in her voice.

"Do you love him?" I asked with a firm tone.

"What? What does that matter if…"

"Do you love him? Mother married dad for love. Do you. Love your husband?"

Jaime didn't respond right away. In fact, I counted to forty-six before she did speak. "Mother married for love and look how her life turned out." Pause. "I have to go. We're going to go on our honeymoon. I'll let you speak to dad if you wa-..."

I hung up on her before I could stop myself. By the time I regained sensation in my legs and my cognitive functions, I was halfway back to the circus. Married? My little sister…married? To some guy for money nonetheless? How much older was he? What was he like? Would she go through hell? Be miserable? Or would she be content? Maybe she'd even be happy, if only I could be so optimistic. But…married. She took the path I fled from…because of me?

Was it my fault? If I had stayed and married, would she have gone off to college? Would she have met someone she liked? Oh, the thoughts multiplied until I couldn't breathe. Was it my fault that she married someone possibly evil and foul? Her freedom taken away? Her…we…I…

I was on my knees, hand against the tree as I tried to catch my breath. It felt like I had run. Perhaps I did, as I was at camp now. My body trembled as the questions stayed in my mind, rotating, repeating.

"Sam?" Evra stood before me with a bag of food for the Little People over his shoulder. He frowned. "What is it? Are you hurt?" He offered me his hand.

I took it and stood, squeezing it. "I…no. I just found out that…my sister…she married a man for money. I think for the family."

"What?!"

"She…yeah. Eighteen and married to some stranger. Some douche. I have to stop it, I have to go and…"

"Sam." Evra dropped the bag onto the ground. The noise caught my attention. "You can't."

"But it's my fault! If I hadn't run…"

"Then you'd be miserable right now. You did what you felt was right…and she did what she felt was right. You have to let her make her own choices…and possibly her own mistakes, just like you have."

"Then I have to be there when…"

"Sam." Evra looked tense. "You can't be there when she falls. She has to stand by herself…or with the help of her family and friends there. You left…you're a vampire…you can't just show up now."

He was right. I hated it, but he was right. I stepped forward and hugged him, silent as I adjusted to what life had just thrown.