a/n: I do not own these characters, they are the property of j.k. rowling and warner brothers no copyright infridgment is intended. this chapter is heavily inspired by Chapter Eleven "The Bribe" in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. No plagerism is intended. as a special harry potter birthday treat here is a new chapter and as always i hope you enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-One: Cowardice and Cognac
Waking at noon to the sensation of throbbing in his hand, Remus did not want to open his eyes. Perhaps he could drift back off to sleep, back into forgetting what a fool he had been the night before. But he knew he should get up, should start his day, should try and salvage any kind of relationship with Nymphadora. He looked down to his hand, swollen, bloody and bruised. He tested it out, flexing his fingers, but it was stiff from the inflammation. What did he expect, and after examining the damage downstairs to the wall, to the furniture, to the pictures, he was surprise the damage to his hand was not more severe. Careful not to step on the shards of glass everywhere, Remus thought about what it was he should be doing.
Useless fool, there is nothing for you to do here, nothing you can do for the Order, nothing you can do for her, the cruel voice in his head taunted him. Useless. That's what he was, useless, carrying on this meaningless existence. He did not want to think about all that he had to do, or all that he should do. Did not want to think about their fight.
He reexamined the idea of doing down to the local and getting drunk, but he could not bare the stares of the other patrons who would watch such a broken useless thing getting drunk on a Monday afternoon. There was also the matter of the Death Eaters and WCU agents tailing him.
"His target would more likely be Tonks because of her Ministry connections", he remembered Kingsley telling him. Of course they would go after her, she was the important one. She was the one who had meaning and purpose, not him. Not this pathetic and useless person he had become. Remus went over to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Unable to use his right hand, he held tight the glass with his left, and yet, he found the water inside to be trembling. Setting it down on the counter, he braced himself against it, taking in a deep breath. There was no reason for this effeminate trembling. She had wanted truth, didn't she? He couldn't help it if the truth hurt.
Looking outside the kitchen window, he could see two men on brooms hovering just overhead. They knew he was here, and Remus wondered how long they had been here and if they knew what he had done to his home last night.
Let them think what they want, I'm a monster anyhow, he thought bitterly, finally picking up the glass and downing the water in one large gulp. An animal, with no home, and no one to turn to… He had a fleeting moment of thinking that perhaps he could go back to the pack, that Greyback might just find a quick means of ending his misery…
He was pathetic. This fleeting thought of purposefully exposing himself to the pack and hoping Greyback would just kill him made Remus realize how much he needed to leave this place, not just his home but his entire situation, leave England maybe. But then he thought about Harry, thought about the poor, innocent baby he had simply abandoned when James and Lily had died, thought about how he never once tried to make an effort in seeing how he was doing. Lily's son, Remus thought sadly, you just left him alone to grow up with those miserable Muggles.
He couldn't help the boy then, but he was damn sure he would try to help him now. Finally, with a fire burning inside of him, fueling him with something to do, Remus set out with making of a plan. Where would they have gone? If not Hogwarts, where would Harry have felt safe?
And then it hit him.
Grimmauld Place.
Sirius' home, the home he might have shared with Sirius had he not passed away through the veil.
Remus started gathering everything he thought he might need, at least for a short period time. Harry and the others no doubt would have supplies, or they could all gather supplies before they went out on this unknown quest. Throwing on a jumper and some trousers, Remus looked inside the fridge for food and drink he might be able to take along with him. He needed to travel light, he didn't know where they were going or what they were up against, but he knew that he needed to be ready to move. So taking what little items were in their sparse fridge, mainly bottles of butterbeer, he put them into the deep, cavernous enchanted pockets of his thick black traveling cloak, the one he so dearly paid for from his salary at Hogwarts. He packed a few articles of spare clothing, and seeing the old Daily Prophet, packed it as well to show the kids, who know doubt would have no idea what was going on in the world. Thinking himself ready for whatever the four of them would be doing, Remus looked back on the house, still completely in tatters from his late night attack. Thinking he might never see this place again, he stepped outside into the sunlight, waiting for the men on brooms to spot him. He needed to outrun them, needed to get them off of his trail.
Right, he thought with a grin, this might actually be fun.
"Magic always leaves traces," Lavinia had told him, so his goal was to Apparate as quick as he possible could to varying locations, perform simple spells to mark where he had been, before eventually winding up on the doorstep of Number Twelve. Gripping his wand tightly, he yelled out in the direction of men high up above, "Hey! Waiting for me?"
Instantly, the men dived towards Remus but he was quicker, Disapparating before they could even pull out their wands.
Suddenly, he appeared in the clearing between the town and the forest where they had searched for Mad-Eye's body.
"Lumos," he said, making a light appeared out of the end of his wand, before…
He landed near the edge of Dartmoor Woods.
"Accio," he said pointing to a stick, but he never caught it because…
He landed near the seaside town he and Tonks had spent their honeymoon.
"Engorgio," he said pointing his wand a nearby bee humming past him. Remus had one look of an enormous, hairy bee before…
His feet had landed at the edge of a small, derelict town Remus had once tried to live and find employment in. One right after the other, Remus went on a dizzy course of towns, lakes, wooded areas, places he could only ever remember seeing as a child, places he had only seen on postcards, any place he could recall he seemed to find himself in, doubling back to some, but always leaving each place having uttered a small incantation or charm, something to leave his mark for them to try and find. Such harmless, meaningless spells would hardly catch the eye of someone from the Ministry monitoring magic in Muggle areas, yet, they left a spider web that had a beginning yet seemingly had no end. Not once did he see the dark hooded figures near any of these places. Not once did he even stop to question if this was the right course of action. Remus simply was going with his gut, and his gut was telling him to find Harry, as safely as he could. It was nearly nightfall before Remus' stomach had had enough of the constant whirling and the sensation of being pushed and pulled, twisted and contorted. It was a sign of his magical prowess that Remus had not once splinched himself in this maddening process. Thinking this would be enough for them to be getting on with, buying him at least a day or two heads start, he concentrated once more on where he wanted to go.
The street was dark and quiet, but there was no mistaking three hooded figures pacing up and down between Numbers 11 and 13. Remus had one horrible moment thinking his spider web of spells had not worked. But seeing the men pacing outside of Number Twelve, he did not recognize either one of them from this morning. Of course, Death Eaters would keep a look out for Harry here, the previous Headquarters for the Order. Clearing his mind, focusing on simply Apparating from here to the front step of Number 12, Remus felt his body move and land suddenly on the hard stone step of the Black Family Manor. The Death Eaters had not seemed to notice his landing; nevertheless, he made his way inside quickly and quietly as possible.
No sooner had he closed the door to Number 12 did the dust on the floor start to gather and swirl, forming the horrible ghost of Albus Dumbledore, its hand raised menacingly as Moody's deep voice called out, "Severus Snape?" It was dreadful, even in dust the image of Dumbledore and the voice of Mad-Eye seemed to echo the fact that both of them were gone.
"I was not the one who killed you, Albus." He said quietly. Instantly the ghostly jinx vanished leaving a dense grey cloud in its wake.
"Don't move!" said a determined voice through the cloud. Remus recognized it as Harry.
"It's alright, it's just me!" he said, his arms raised in surrender, as slowly the dust settled and he could see all three of them pointing their wands at him. Hermione and Ron he noticed had begun to lower their wands and he moved further into the hallway, but Harry remained stubbornly resolute in stance, pointing his wand right where Remus' heart would be.
"Prove it!" Harry said.
The boy is finally starting to learn, he thought with a small hint of fatherly pride.
"I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, which takes the form of a stag."
He saw Harry hesitate for a moment, but lowered his wand saying, "Alright, but I had to check."
"Speaking as your ex-teacher, I quite agree as I could have been anyone. Ron, Hermione, you should be more careful and not be quite so quick to lower your defenses." All three of them rushed toward him, looking grateful for his company, relieved he wasn't someone more sinister. He too was glad they were happy to see him. Finally, he might be able to have some company who would not judge him, or at the very least allow him to have a moment to breathe and think through his next steps. "No sign of Severus then?" Remus asked, loosening his traveling cloak, indicating for them all to follow him downstairs to the kitchen.
"No, but what's going on? Is everyone alright?" Harry asked, the worry on the young man's face evident even in the dim gaslight of the ancient home.
"Everyone is fine," Remus said soothingly, "but we're all being watched. I would have been here sooner, but I had to shake off the Death Eaters that have been following me. So you came straight here after the wedding?" They took their seats at the kitchen table, Remus reaching into his traveling cloak in the Undetectable Extension Charm lined pockets and pulled out four butterbeers, handing one to each of them.
"No, we came here only after we ran into a couple of Death Eaters in a café," Harry said, opening his butterbeer.
"What?" Remus said, spilling some of his own butterbeer down his front. Mopping up the sticky drink he listened to Harry explain how they had been ambushed at Tottenham Court Road, how the Death Eaters seemed to know he was there. This was disturbing, that Harry could be so easily found, so easily accessible, Remus knew he was doing the right thing coming here tonight. He wanted to question them further, to try and piece together some explanation as to how they could have been so easily found but Harry pressed him for more answers.
"So what happened after we left? We haven't heard a thing since Ron's dad told us the family was safe."
"Kingsley saved us; thanks to his warning most of the wedding guests were able to Disapparate before they arrived."
"Were they Death Eaters or people from the Ministry?" Hermione asked.
"A mix of both, but now that the Dark Lord has taken over they have become one and the same. There were about a dozen, perhaps more, but they didn't know you were there, Harry. There's a rumor that they tried to torture your whereabouts out of Scrimgeour before they killed him. If that's true, he didn't give you up. They searched the Burrow pretty thoroughly, made a mess of the entire wedding I'm afraid. They interrogated those of us who remained for hours as they were trying to get information on you, Harry, but of course, nobody apart from the Order knew that you had been there. Your disguise had worked perfectly."
"What about the others?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Well, they forced their way into every Order-connected house in the country. No deaths, but they were rough. They used the Cruciatus Curse on Tonks' family. They're all right, shaken obviously, but otherwise okay."
"And are they bothering to give an excuse for torturing Harry's whereabouts out of people?"
Hermione asked, a note of bitterness in her voice.
Remus looked at the three of them, each wearing an expression of fear and disgust and he wondered if he should tell them or not. Deciding it better they see it now, rather than waiting later, Remus reached into his traveling cloak and pulled out the copy of the Daily Prophet, adding, "I'm sorry Harry." Harry took a moment to read the headline declaring that he was now a suspect in the murder of Albus Dumbledore. Remus knew how much the boy looked up to Dumbledore, knew how much their relationship had been an important part of the young man's life. And now to have to smeared across the front page of the paper, to have every wizarding family doubt Harry's love for the man he knew could not be easy on the boy.
"But surely, people realize what's going on. They can't believe, this- this, rubbish?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"The Dark Lord's transition to power has been smooth and virtually silent. The public has been made to believe that Scrimgeour resigned from his post as Minister. They have no knowledge of his murder. Pius Thicknesse has replaced the post, but we have come to believe he's under the Imperious Curse." Just like Caliban had told him, just as Mad-Eye had suspected… Why hadn't they been more careful, done more to prevent this from happening?
"Why doesn't You-Know-Who declare himself Minster for Magic?" Ron asked.
Remus gave him a cynical sounding laugh. How naïve they all were, Remus briefly felt sorry for the lot of them. "He doesn't have to, Ron. He has Thicknesse, who has essentially become his puppet, to take care of the dull day-to-day business while he is free to extend his power beyond the Ministry. Naturally, people have begun to suss out what happened, especially with such a dramatic shift in policy. But it is merely rumor and whispers. People are too scared to confide in their neighbors and friends, for fear they put their trust into the wrong people and put their families in danger. The Dark Lord has played a terribly clever game; by remaining in the shadows he has created uncertainty and fear. By suggesting you had a hand in Dumbledore's death, Harry, You-Know-Who not only has set a price on your head, but sown doubt and fear amongst many who would have defended you." Remus looked sadly to Hermione before adding, "The Ministry has been moving against Muggleborns." He turned the Daily Prophet to page two for her to read. He watched as she read through the new Muggleborn Register and thought sadly of what would happen to this brilliant young woman should the Ministry find her. He thought sadly of all the Muggleborn children who would never know Hogwarts, or the wonders of magic, or the wizarding world. He thought sadly of Ted Tonks, who no doubt would be under investigation, especially now that he had ties to the Order and his daughter was an Auror and Order member. And his son-in-law is a werewolf, that would be reason enough to lock him away in Azkaban, Remus thought resentfully. He wished at that moment he had given Ted a more proper goodbye, instead of just storming out of their house. Ted was always one who could put a positive spin to any situation, and he had accepted Remus when Andromeda had not. He could have taken the easy way and simply hated Remus for what he was, as so many others did, as his wife had done. But instead he took the time to make Remus feel welcome, to support his daughter, to even get him drunk, although this was unintentionally done. Remus wondered despondently if he would ever see Ted Tonks again.
Remus looked to the three of them, to Harry in particular, feeling a little reckless in the face of so much grief. "I'll understand if you can't confirm this, but McGonagall is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission."
"He did," Harry replied slowly. "But I can't tell you what it is, Remus. If Dumbledore didn't tell you I don't think I can." And Remus could see that the boy genuinely felt sorry about keeping such a secret, but he was disappointed nonetheless.
"I thought you'd say that, but I have a proposition for the three of you. You know what I am… and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection, and there would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to."
Remus watched as Harry thought it over, and Remus tried not to appear too eager. He knew what he was leaving behind, knew that there were dozens of alternatives to this that would have been more suitable, but Remus was lost to all reason. He was running on pure adrenaline, and he did not want to come down from that high.
It was Hermione, however, who brought them all back to reality. "What about Tonks?"
"What about her?" Remus asked slowly, hoping not to go any further into this conversation than need be.
"Well, you just got married! How does she feel about you going away with us?"
Thrilled, glad to see the back of me, he thought with a crazed sort of resentment. But he didn't say this, didn't want three seventeen year olds to judge the relationship of their old professor and his wife. Well, sort of wife. He did enough judgment on his own. "She'll be perfectly safe," he said coolly, "she'll be at her parent's house, so it will be fine."
"Remus," Hermione said slowly, and Remus knew she had figured it out. She had always been so clever, much too clever. "Is everything alright between you and-"
"Everything is fine," Remus said cutting into her words before she could ask anymore. He knew he sounded cruel, knew she was asking in good faith and concern for them both. He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. He'd have to tell them, but the words seemed heavy, like they were poisoned and deadly, and knew this would be the end to talks of him coming along. "Tonks is pregnant."
The three teenagers looked taken aback for a moment before each in turn offered their congratulations but Remus didn't want to hear it. "So what about my offer?" He pressed on, ignoring all the sentiments. "Will three become four? Dumbledore would have approved, I'm sure of it. He was, after all, the one who hired me to be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and we may be up against Dark Magic we never knew existed. I could be of enormous help."
Ron and Hermione turned to look at Harry who still continued to stare at Remus with an odd expression. Remus could not look at the young man with Lily's green eyes any longer and so contented himself to picking at the label on his bottle of butterbeer.
"Just to be clear," Harry said sounding harsh himself, "you want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come away with us?"
"She'll be… perfectly safe," Remus said trying to dismiss the issue, trying to force the conversation back around to the mission, the real purpose for his visit tonight. "Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you."
"No, I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually."
Remus could feel the color draining away from his face. His heart began to race, the pit of his stomach leaving him, as though the floor had been removed from his feet. It was like being caught as a child doing something naughty, and Remus seemed lost for words. But the anger that had been his constant companion of late seemed to rise like a phoenix from the flames of disgrace and shame, and the only thing he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears, the only thing he could see was Lily's eyes, those piercing green eyes, making him feel even more guilty, more angry.
"You wouldn't understand," he muttered finally, regaining the use of his voice.
"Explain it to me then," Harry said, looking so much like his father, so much like James that Remus was finding it ten times harder to try and explain himself. He could feel his temper rising, could feel the blood surging through his veins like it would set him ablaze. He couldn't keep doing this, couldn't keep up the appearance that everything was fine, that everything would be okay. He tried as best as he could to control himself when he began to speak to them, to try and control the rising storm that threatened to whip and blow and rage all around the kitchen. But much like his argument with Tonks, everything just seemed to spill out without his thinking of how brutal and pitiless he really sounded.
"I made a terrible mistake marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since."
"I see," Harry said sounding just as angry as Remus felt, "so you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us, is that it?"
That was the tipping point. Remus sprang from his chair as though it had been electrified, kicking it over, unable to control his rage, the beast within finally freed from its cage. How could Harry understand? He was a boy, a naïve boy who thought he could simply disarm a Death Eater.
"Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I never should have married her; I've made her an outcast! You've only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts! You don't know how most of the world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don't you see what I've done? Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, what parents want to see their only daughter married to a werewolf? And the child… the child…"
He wanted to scream, want to cry, want to tear the hair from his scalp. This was maddening! Constantly trying to explain such obvious points of reason to those who could not see, who were too blinded by the perfect façade of gentlemanly calm he had created. He was a werewolf, a cruel and vindictive werewolf, no better than Greyback. Perhaps his attempts at assimilation, attempts at humanity had worked, that he had fooled everyone, that he had even fooled himself for a time. But he knew fact from fiction. First he had to explain it to Nymphadora, who could only see this as a blessing, could still be optimistic even after she was suspended from her job, her friends deserting her, receiving threatening letters. And now Harry, James and Lily's son, could not see what horrors he had released upon the world.
"My kind shouldn't breed! It will be like me, I am convinced of it! How can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child? And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it will always be ashamed of!"
"Remus!" he heard Hermione say, making him look over to the young woman whom he saw she had tears in her eyes, tears Remus felt might succumb to tears himself should he continue. "Don't say that! How could any child be ashamed of you?"
"Oh I don't know, Hermione," Harry said, standing up and squaring off with Remus. "I'd be pretty ashamed of him." Remus staggered backwards a few feet, as though the young man had just slapped him across the face, and Remus knew he did not want Harry to continue. He had never heard him speak to him like that, so forceful and raw and honest. But he didn't stop there. "If the new regime thinks Muggleborns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mum and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?"
The shock Remus had at hearing Harry speak to him in such an adult manner quickly melted away as the painful truth of what he was saying was driving Remus' anger further, fueling his rage and torment. For a moment he wanted to hurt Harry, to hurt his best friends' son, to hurt the boy he swore to protect, to make him see what a werewolf could really do.
"How- how dare you?" Remus began, his whole body shaking with rage, his fingers itching for his wand, "this is not about a desire for- for danger or personal glory- how dare you-"
"I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil," Harry said mockingly, "that you'd fancy stepping into Sirius' shoes-"
It was like Harry had hit him again, and Remus could almost feel the sting of his words, the ringing in his ears. Like Sirius? How dare he? How dare he bring up Sirius! Who gave him the right to talk to him like this? He had troubles in his life? Try thirty-seven years of torture and torment! Harry had no idea what his life was like, no idea the struggles and torment he had gone through. He had been a fool in coming here, into thinking that he could possibly go away with them. They were children, what did they know about real pain, about real struggle? In that moment he would have liked nothing better than to hit him, to hurt him, to make him see what a young, foolish boy he still was.
"I'd never have believed this," he heard Harry continue to say, "the man who taught me to fight Dementors… a coward."
Remus had his wand in his hand before he could even think of the ramifications, before he could think of what spell he had used, before any reason crossed his brain, and blasted Harry Potter back against the wall, whipping around before he could see the damage that was done. He was only vaguely aware of what was going on, the commotion he had caused, as he flew up the stairs and back into the hall before slamming the front door of Number 12. Standing on the entryway, breathing as though he had run a mile, his hand was still gripped tightly to his wand, the end of which let out a few frustrated sparks.
"What was that?" a Death Eater called out to his fellows, looking around to the spot in between numbers 11 and 13. Instantly, Remus became aware that he was outside, that he was standing on an invisible stoop where Death Eaters were prowling, hoping for a chance to gain entrance and capture the occupants within. He let out a strangled cry of frustration as he Apparated away from Number 12 and landing in front of the cottage. But this wasn't where he wanted to be, this was the last place he wanted to be. Looking around hastily for any sign of his followers but he was very definitely alone. Where else could he go? Again, he thought fleetingly of going to Devon, to the caves, to rejoin the pack. It was then he remembered Thaliard said he would try and persuade them out of killing him on sight. And Greyback, no doubt from the changing of the guard, would be doing more of Voldemort's bidding in the killing and infecting of families. But no, there was too much risk, too much at stake. But was there really? The devilish voice in his head started again. You have nowhere to go, and who would miss you really if you were to die? Nymphadora won't, she wanted you gone, told you to get out, probably is glad to be rid of the connection. And Harry won't miss you; you blasted away any chance of being anything more than a waste of time. And what use are you really to the Order? No, Remus Lupin, no one would miss you.
Remus shook his head, as though the voice was merely a devious fly buzzing around with the sole purpose of annoying him. What he needed was a drink, to think things over, to ease his burden and so walked down the path to his local, away from the cottage, away from any more painful reminders.
It was quiet and nearly empty, there was a man in the corner smoking a pipe and reading the paper, nursing a warm glass of beer. There were a few others, keeping to themselves, trying to drown their own sorrows in alcohol. Walking up to the counter, Remus ordered a pint, but as the bartender walked away to fill his order Remus said, "On second thought, I'll have a Scotch." It would be his final salute to Ted Tonks. "And make it a double." The bartender nodded and filled a tumbler with a few cubes of ice and the amber liquid. Remus gulped down the glass in one. It wasn't nearly as good as Ted's choice bottles, but Remus wasn't looking for taste. Tonight, he was just another nameless face in a sea of drunken men, just another person who used liquor to escape the brutal truths of reality.
"Another?" the bartender asked, and Remus nodded. "It's been a while seen I've seen you down here. You had a real cute bird with you last time, how is she?"
"Gone," Remus said simply, downing another glass of Scotch.
"Sorry to hear that," the bartender said. "Next round is on me."
"Ta," Remus said nodding, indicating to the bartender to fill the glass once more.
"Coward."
The word rang in his ear as if Harry had just shouted them, a ghostly echo of the truth finally being told. Never in his entire life had anyone called him a coward. They had pitied him, had made him feel like the creature he was classified as, but never had he once been called a coward. But that's what he was: a coward. A coward who could not live with the choices he had made, who could not own up to his mistakes. He had made his bed, and was expected to lie in it. But he chose to run, to escape, to flee. Wasn't that what he was doing right now? Using alcohol to escape what he knew already to be true? He didn't need Harry to tell him all those things tonight. He knew in his heart what he was doing, and why he was doing it, knew he was protecting himself, no matter how many times he said it was to protect her. His heart had been broken too many times, he watched too many people he loved die, he'd seen the cruelty of men when it came to his condition, and he simply could not go through that. Not again.
"Another?" The bartender asked, seeing his glass empty once more.
Remus had to keep a clear mind; how was he to pay for all this? Fishing in his pocket, he tried to see how much Muggle money he had, as a voice said, "Why don't you make that two."
Fantastic…
"You might as well leave the bottle," Remus said, handing over what few notes he had to the bartender, staring straight ahead at the wall opposite, refusing to look over. They were silent for some time as she took her seat on the barstool, sipping on her own glass of Scotch. It felt nice to have her here, to have her close. Nice to know that he still might have a friend out there.
"Lupin," Lavinia said, who finally turned her head to speak to him, "what are you doing here?"
"Came for a drink," he said, pounding down the heady malt beverage quickly.
"Why aren't you with your wife?" she said cautiously, taking a small subdued sip from her glass. "Times like these, you should be with family."
"I don't have a family," he said simply.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Lavinia said, and the sincerity in her voice made Remus turn around to finally look at her. Looking at her, sitting there next to him, she seemed changed from the woman who had ambushed him at the pub, who had prattled on drunkenly about how he had ruined Nymphadora's life forever. She seemed like her old self again, the kind and compassionate woman he had befriend who could become just as fiery when it came to ways of bringing down Voldemort, and Remus was glad for it. He didn't need her reminding him of his mistakes.
"What are you doing here?" Remus asked.
"Came for a drink," she repeated, finally glancing back to him, a small smile on her lips, her ice blue eyes happily watching him. Her eyes were always so startling to him, so mysteriously bright and clear. He had seen when she would shift, her eyes would remain the same bright blue color, while everyone else's turned to the color of golden brown, like a wolf. Greyback once had tried to mate with her, proclaiming to all that her blue eyes were the result of a beautiful mutated gene. Much like their disease, it was a gene that should be spread to the generations to come, Greyback had thought aloud. Lavinia had refused his advances, spent time in the pit because of her insolence, but Greyback still looked smug, and Remus knew he had had his way with her. Thaliard had to be physically restrained from trying to retaliate. She wouldn't talk about what happened, even when Thaliard threatened to kill Greyback, she still wouldn't say, so Remus never pressed her for details, but he could imagine the agony and degradation she was going through. But no child had stirred within her, and for that, Remus was grateful for her sake. In fact, no females Greyback mated with ever became pregnant, a source of much gossip and speculation around the caves, a point that many of the other lesser pack leaders made to assert his dominance over the group, pointing to the number of females they impregnated, as though virility was a sign of power. Remus mused he could now tally one in his favor.
"Not taken to stalking me again, have you?" Remus asked, his own smile creeping on his lips.
"I have my hands a bit busy at the moment to keep an eye on you. You, however, seem to find trouble wherever you go."
"That's the truth," he said, sipping on his drink. "How's your mum doing?"
She sighed, and watched a bead of sweat run down her glass. "Loopier than ever. I have a feeling I'm going to have to put her in a full time care facility soon, but…" she lowered her voice so the bartender couldn't overhear, "I can't risk taking her to a Muggle institution for fear she would ramble on and on about our world, and I can't take her to any magical institutions, for fear I would be spotted and killed by the Ministry."
"Your coming here is a bit of a risk," Remus said, looking around at the other subdued local drunks, none of whom seemed the least bit interested in the two werewolves at the counter.
"Muggle pub," she said, even more quietly, "They couldn't tell a cat from a cappas."
"How did you know to find me here?" Remus asked, starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, but not nearly so much as to make him forget good commonsense.
"I was worried about you, and knocked on your door." She said, giving him a sad sort of smile. "Thaliard told me you said I could, that it would be better than lurking in the shadows. Well, after I saw no one was in, it was easy enough to track you after that."
"You're going to have to properly teach me about tracking people," he said shaking his head in disbelief, "I'm miserable at it. Merlin, I hope I really was able to get those Death Eaters off my trail... Why were you knocking on my door?"
"With news of the takeover I was worried about you. With Greyback having the Dark Lord's ear for information, he could easily have the Ministry come and collect you on the pretense of breaking some new measure they'll enact against our kind, making it easier for him to see you dead."
"Liv, with the Dark Lord in power, I'm sure the restrictions against our kind will be lessened."
"I think they'll get worse," Lavinia said seriously. "You really think a government who has enacted a Muggleborn Registration is going to be so lenient to half breeds and dark creatures? C'mon, professor, you know better than that."
"No," Remus said truthfully, the word 'professor' sparking something deep within him, but the alcohol was making his recognition to it numb. "No, I suppose I don't. But you're right of course, it will get worse."
"I'm sure there are still those within the Ministry who can still fight the bureaucracy. Your wife for example would be one of those who would stand up for us. From what I've heard she's already done just that."
"How did you hear about that?" Remus asked, almost feeling the need to laugh. The information leaking out at the Ministry was appalling, but there was no use to try and control it now.
"You're wife, or 'partner' as I believe she's listed in the register now, has become a bit of a heroine to some. The great campaigner of werewolf rights, standing up to the Minister himself. Well, ex-Minister, Merlin-rest his soul."
"Well, after what I've put her through, she might just ask for tighter controls."
"What do you mean?" Lavinia asked, real concern in her eyes and Remus was glad to see his old friend back.
"I have not had nearly enough to drink, Liv, to start getting emotional with you just yet. Let's just say it wasn't pretty, and I can safely assume we're over and done with."
"I'm sorry to hear that." She said, looking even more worried for him.
"You're not going to say, 'I toldja so'?" Remus said, barking out a small laugh. She had told him this would happen, told him that everything was exciting at first but would they would grow tired of one another. Well, things were certainly exciting, but not in the way Remus would have wanted.
"I'd never tell you that," Lavinia said genuinely. "I am sorry to hear things aren't working between you two. She seemed nice. Young… but nice. And I could earnestly see the love the two of you had for one another. Is there something that could be done to remedy the situation?"
"I don't know, Liv," Remus said, letting out a deep shuttering sigh, feeling as though he might be on the brink of tears. Alcohol always did make him rather foolishly emotional. "After what I've said, and what I've done, I don't think she will ever forgive me."
"She will, she'll come around. Give her some time and she'll see what she's lost. Couples have rows all the time-"
"This was more than a row," Remus muttered, looking down into his empty glass, "it was an explosion."
Lavinia, knowing him well enough not to push the point anymore, said, "Well, we can remedy one situation." And she poured Scotch from the bottle into each of their glasses.
"Oh no, I think I've reached my limited. It's all going to hit me soon if I'm not careful." But Remus took a long gulp from his glass anyway.
"You must be in a state if you're drinking Scotch," she said making a face as she gulped down her own glass. She waved over the bartender. "Do you have Stella on tap?"
"No, sorry," the bartender said. "We have-"
"That's alright," she said before he could even list the dozens of other lagers. "C'mon, Lupin, a pub without Stella is no pub at all." She handed the bartender a large stack of pound notes, told him to keep the change, and helped Remus to his feet.
"I don't even feel that drunk," he said wobbling a little as she led him away from the pub. "Honestly, I'm fine."
"You say that now, but once we Apparate it's going to hit you like a charging Hippogriff." She said smiling at him, looking over her shoulder to the dark path behind them.
"Apparate, where we going?" he said, and Remus started having a tingling sensation in his lips, reaching up and pinching them to regain some sensation. How many glasses had he had? He couldn't even remember. But they weren't there that long, or were they? Time had a way of slipping through his fingers when he had been drinking.
"C'mon," she said and before he had time to question it, before he could realize what was happening, he was gone.
Alcohol and Apparation do not mix, someone told him once. It was probably Sirius, but right now Remus could not honestly remember.
"Are you alright?" Lavinia asked, looking into his eyes with all manner of concern.
"Fine, fine." Remus said, bending over to put his hands on his knees, worried he might vomit.
"Take a minute, I don't mind, we're in no hurry," she said, wandering around the area to give him some privacy in case he did vomit, looking down at her watch.
Lavinia had been right about it hitting him once they landed, and everything remained spinning long after their feet were on solid ground. In fact, she had been right about nearly everything. For some reason, Remus thought he could smell the sea, the salty air of being in or near a costal town. For a fleeting moment he thought he might be back at Woolacombe Bay, but he did not recognize any of his surrounding.
How had she been so right about he and Nymphadora? Were their relationships that similar that she was able to predict his future? At least it hadn't gotten as bad as her and Bass' relationship had…
"Ready?" she asked, sounding more urgent than she had all night, seeing him standing upright once more.
"Ready," he said saluting her like a soldier, but looked down at his hand as though it had done moved of its own accord. "Sorry, I don't know why I did that," he muttered, shaking his head. But she just laughed, and Remus grinned stupidly.
"C'mon, professor, let's get you inside before you make a spectacle of yourself."
Remus was only vaguely aware of their walking, Lavinia leading him by the arm towards some unknown destination. She was silent, but still grinning by his drunken tendency to ramble, commenting on every little thing that popped into his head.
"Did you know that in the fourteenth century werewolves were used as guardians? That they were- are we going to get something to eat? I'm suddenly very hungry- am I talking too much? But pizza does sound amazing, though of course, we don't need sidewalk pizza by me- Where are we? I don't recognize this town at all- but I love the architecture here- what did you think of the cottage when you came by? I've done a lot to the yard, you should have seen it before- you have to tell me if I'm talking too much- Dora always said I talk too much when I've had too much…" It was his mentioning Nymphadora that made him stop talking for a while.
"Welcome to maison de l'horreur. Or as I like to call it, home."
Remus steadied his head long enough to see they were standing in front of a row of large houses, each one unique to its owner, each one equally as elegant, each one just as expensive. "This is where you live?" Remus asked, shocked he had never been here, nor had heard her mention the fact she grew up in such an affluent area.
"This was where I grew up." She said simply, leading him up the stairs to manually unlock the front door.
"Why aren't you using your wand?" Remus asked confused by such an innocent, yet Muggle act of unlocking a door.
"Ministry has it remember?" Lavinia said sounding wary.
"Are we near the sea?"
"Close enough," she said, and Remus thought he could almost hear her eyes rolling.
"And your neighbors never suspected the entire time you are what you are?" Remus said, thinking the close quarters would mean the people all around could hear every little noise, especially that of a woman screaming and a wolf howling.
"Magically sound proofed walls so they couldn't hear the howling, and my parents kept to themselves so there were really no unwanted visitors who would drop by. But I was mainly kept in the basement. In fact, I should say I didn't live in this house, I lived in the basement."
She opened the door and led him quickly inside. All the lights were out. She physically locked the door behind her before grabbing him by the wrist leading him down the dark hall. But even in the dim light, Remus could see as they moved past impeccable sitting rooms, an ornate dining room, and a beautiful music room. She pushed a door open and plopped Remus down into a chair in a spectacular kitchen, manually going over to turn on the lights, which were harsh in comparison to the dim hallway.
"Sorry," she said, dimming the lights a little seeing Remus' overly scrunched up face to block the light from entering his eyes. "Wait here, I'm going to check on mum and I'll be down soon. Help yourself to whatever you want in the fridge!" she rushed out of the room through the door they had just entered. Remus could not, in good faith, tell where he was, just that he didn't want to be left alone. Food sounded incredible to him, but he worried, should he stand up, he might not be able to walk very far without falling, so he stayed at his spot at the round dining table, humming a tune to himself, his extremities feeling loose as he had lost the painful aching of his muscles.
"Sorry about that," she said reentering the room looking a little flustered. "Didn't you say you were hungry?"
"S'alright," he said shaking his head. "Probably better if I don't eat s'much."
She laughed a little at the slurring of his words. "Probably better if you do eat something, try and absorb some of that awful Scotch."
"I don't usually drink s'much Scotch or really any liquor for that matter." He said, the weight of his head seemed to become increasingly heavier and heavier, making it hard for him to sit up straight.
"I know you don't," she said, still smiling at him, remarkably sober. "I didn't either until this past year."
"You were a right mess, last I saw you," he said looking at her. Even in the dim light, even through a cloud of alcohol over his eyes, he could see that she was looking better, healthier, her hair well maintained and her eyes shining brightly.
"I was a mess," she agreed, rummaging through cupboards for a suitable feast. "I'm better now."
"You look good," he said, lifting his heavy head to appreciate her fully.
"I think that's the Scotch talking," she said the smile in her voice still evident, coming back over with a large sandwich, crisps, a couple of chocolate biscuits, and a large glass of water. "Eat, it will help."
"You're s'good to me," he said, diving into the food.
"So. You wanna tell me what has my proper professor out on a Monday night drinking until he can't form comprehensive sentences?" She said, coming back over with the bag of crisps, and a bottle of cognac.
"Cognac? My, how posh we are," he said, looking at her thoughtfully, his mouth full of cold cuts and crisps. He didn't know if he wanted to have this discussion, not yet.
"All we have left in this place, because I may or may not have during this past year finished a rather extensive collection of various types of alcohol my parents had been building since they were married," she said, pouring herself a small glass, looking at it before downing it in one. "Hmm, it's quite good. I'd offer you some, but you seem pretty tight to me."
"Very," he said, swallowing down some water.
"But back to the matter at hand; you said you and Nymphadora fought?" she said and Remus knew she was trying to get him to confide in her. She would understand, she wouldn't judge him like the others because she had been through this. Why hadn't he thought of talking to Lavinia sooner? Maybe because she had been a real pain last he saw her. And maybe it was because he was too ashamed that he had abandoned her when she clearly had taken a keen interest in his safety, even in the safety of his wife. He seemed to now have a track record for abandoning women.
" 's bad, Liv, it's really bad." He said slowly shaking his head.
"No judgments," Lavinia said sincerely, pouring herself another class of cognac. "Believe me, I wish I had someone else to talk to about everything that happened between Bass and I."
"She's pregnant, Liv," Remus said wincing, waiting for her reaction. She took a minute to study his face, to form what she could say to him that wouldn't sound contrite.
"I know you don't want to hear congratulations," she said finally, sipping her cognac peaceably.
"Nope," Remus said taking another enormous bite into the sandwich.
"How far along is she?"
"Six weeks or summthing like that," he said through a mouth full of food.
"And she's keeping it I take it?"
"I tried to convince her otherwise," he said, "but we rowed and then…"
"She threw you out." Lavinia finished the sentence for him. "I don't blame her."
"Hey, you said no judgments!" Remus said.
"No, I'm not judging, I'm just saying, I would be upset as well. I mean, can you really blame her for doing what she did? I'm also not blaming you for your reaction. You acted just as I would've."
Perhaps this was a mistake confiding in Lavinia. The alcohol, although having the numbing effect Remus so desperately wanted for the physical pain, it still left him mentally capable of seeing Nymphadora's face, so hurt over his words, could still hear her yelling at him to leave, that she didn't care where he went so long as it was out of the house. He thought longingly of the bottle of cognac on the table.
"RJ," Lavinia said sympathetically, seeing his hesitation in confiding anymore in her, "she's thinking like a human, not like a werewolf. She's thinking like a mother as well. She's thinking like a woman in love, a woman who created a child with a wonderful man, a child she sees as a blessing. She can't see the possibilities you and I can, she can't see the danger she's putting the child in by carrying it to term. You and I have seen the miscarriages and the deaths of newborns, we've seen the darker side of young life, of young blood." Lavinia sighed, looking out towards something Remus could not see. "Bass wanted kids, wanted 'em terribly, but I knew better, knew there was too big a risk it would be like me."
"You would have been a great mum, Liv," Remus said and she gave him a sad sort of smile.
"And you'll be a great father, RJ," she said seriously.
"I've already failed her s'much, how can I be a good father? I haven't exactly been the world's most supportive husband. I mean, she was suspended from her job at the Ministry, she's having to put up with everyone finding out about our marriage and people being disgusted."
"And she has to put up with your constant flux of emotions." She added, chuckling.
"Hey," he said frowning. "No judgments!"
She held her hands up in surrender, still chuckling a little. "No, I swear, no judgment from me! Our condition makes us feel more than humans can. Not only are all of our primary senses heighten, but so too are our ability to love, and our ability to hate. Our hate makes us more ferocious, deadlier, and merciless when we kill. But it also makes our ability to love just as fierce, just as determined."
"Greyback apparently didn't get the memo about loving fiercely," Remus muttered.
Lavinia looked odd, a funny sort of frown on her face, like she was disgusted, yet disappointed. Remus knew he might have over stepped his bounds. The topic of Greyback with Lavinia was still a very testy subject.
"Fenrir doesn't have love for others, it's true. But he does love power, he loves control, dominance and the thrill of spilling blood. Most of all, he loves himself."
"And you, Liv, do you love fiercely?" Remus said grinning, in a small, drunken attempt at changing the subject.
"You know I do," she said quietly, drinking the last of the cognac in her glass.
"That was a stupid question, sorry…" Remus said, knowing this was not where he should have taken the conversation.
"It's alright," she said looking back to him. "Maybe you should try to go to sleep and in the morning we can plan a strategy for you to go back to your wife."
"She doesn't want me, Liv," Remus said sadly. "You didn't see the look on her face or how she angrily threw me out."
"She's scared, RJ. You called her baby a monster."
"It is a monster," Remus muttered.
"How do you know?" Lavinia said, narrowing her eyes. "How do you know it's going to be like us?"
"I don't, you know I have no way of knowing."
"And what happens seven or eight months from now and you find out the child is completely healthy? Are you just going to go back then, like nothing happen? Like you didn't insult her and your baby?"
"I don't know!" he roared, standing up from his seat, but the alcohol made his balance less than stellar. There was a scuffling sound upstairs, like someone moving and Lavinia looked panicked.
"Listen, I'm not going to talk to you anymore about this tonight," she said, standing up and taking the food and drink away. "I'll set you up in a bed here and we'll talk more in the morning. But I need to ask you to keep it down. My mum is not the greatest of sleepers."
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, looking down at his feet.
"Come on, professor," she said, holding out her hand so he had some support walking away from the kitchen and up the stairs. She settled him into one of the guest rooms at the top of the stairs.
"Loo is second door down, I'm in the master bedroom at the end of the hall if you need anything," she said, turning around as he awkwardly started to climb out of clothing.
"Nothing you haven't seen before, Liv," he said, noticing her modesty.
"Goodnight, RJ… and try to make it to the toilet if you need to puke," she said, closing the door behind her.
Remus climbed into the bed, one of remarkable comfort and support. He settled himself beneath the sheets and the moment his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.
a/n: so do we trust lavinia? do you think she'll be able to talk Remus into going back to Tonks? you'll have to wait and see :)
Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! I really appreciate it! if you like what you've read leave a comment!