Chapter Twenty-One: Special Victims Unit
Dee Vasquez's Bedroom – April 15, 2026
From his time as a defense attorney, Phoenix was wholly aware when reporting an incident as gruesome and harrowing as the one he was presently facing, that not only would an ambulance be immediately dispatched, but the cops as well, with the latter more than likely getting there before the former.
Therefore, while he had not anticipated the nightmare of what had happened to his latest lover, at least this time, when the police arrived, he was already dressed and not once more literally caught with his pants down!
His frantic pacing had practically worn a groove in the expensive Persian rug which covered Dee's bedroom floor by the time he heard the thumping on the door.
"Open up! LAPD!"
His heart hammering erratically in his chest, the poker champ flung the door open, and let out a gasp of startled dismay as his saucer-sized eyes fell upon the all too familiar figure standing there.
Are you freaking shitting me?! Phoenix's jaw dropped to his chest. Of all the condos of illicit trysts, in all the towns, in all the world, he had to walk into this one?!
"Jeepers Creepers!" Surprise was stamped on Dick Gumshoe's broad face. "Not you again!"
Silence met this statement.
"Hey – at least you calling nine/eleven means you still remember my number! It's always nice to see you again, pal!" The big man affectionately clapped the disconcerted pianist on the back. "I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances! I left you a message few months ago to come have dinner with Maggey and me at our place, but you never replied –"
"Seriously?!" Phoenix blurted out before he could stop himself, still too shaken from the earlier events to be Mr. Congeniality. "Are you the only cop in the entire Los Angeles Police Department?!"
"Are you the only guy getting laid in the state of California?" Gumshoe returned, chuckling and lightly punching his old friend in the shoulder with a ham-sized fist. "Who then happens to require police intervention every time he does, because his sex life has hit some sort of snafu? What happened this time? You give it to some lucky or rather, not so lucky, lady a bit too hard and accidentally kill her? Ha-Ha!"
The kindhearted Detective had been joking around, and was clearly expecting the former lawyer to say something flippant in response, but his jovial expression faded as he saw Phoenix's face had turned ghostly white.
"Christ on a crutch, pal!" The bandaged oaf gaped at the poker champ in horror. "I was kidding! Don't tell me I need to haul you to the station for murder?!"
"Um, well… about that…" Phoenix scratched the back of his neck and gave his friend a sickly grin. "I'm hoping at the most I'd get charged with was manslaughter! I assure you this tribulation was completely accidental, and technically not even my fault…"
"I'd still be exercising my right to remain silent if I were you, pal!" The wild-eyed Gumshoe was already rushing into the apartment, and with a long-suffering sigh, Phoenix led the way to Dee's master bathroom, AKA was the scene of the crime.
"Jiminy Cricket!" Gumshoe gasped, seeing the nude figure of Dee Vasquez lying on the cold tiles in a puddle of sanguine fluid. He crouched down next to the producer's still form, careful not to touch anything. "Why is it every time I see you lately, I've got to look at some sort of naked body?!"
"Erm…" Phoenix offered weakly, unsure of what to say as he began to sweat drop. "At least this time it wasn't mine?"
"Ngh! Don't remind me! I'm still trying to get that disturbing image erased from my mind!" Gumshoe shook his head as if attempting to clear it, and stared up at his friend, aghast. "You want to tell me what the heck happened here, pal?"
The detective grimaced and held up a hand.
"Just give me the condensed version, alright? Spare me the gory, X-rated details! Despite the fact that I keep stumbling upon you and your conquests in their birthday suits, I happen to be a respectable, happily married man now!"
Flashback: 20 Minutes Earlier
Dee Vasquez's Bathroom – April 15, 2026
Under the steamy waterfall of water cascading down on them, Dee's lips parted as she inhaled deeply and drank in the sight of the dripping wet Phoenix, who occupied the large shower stall with her. Liquid beads dripped down his hair softly, his wet spikes flattened ever so slightly, and the water drops slowly gliding down his wet physique defined every virile, sculpted inch of him.
He lowered his head to kiss her, thrusting his tongue into her mouth and she sucked it deep. He pulled her closer, grinding her pelvis bone against his, wordlessly letting her know what he wanted. Despite preferring to always be the one in charge with her partners, with Phoenix, Dee didn't mind him taking charge with her at times like this. She innately trusted his sexual expertise and inventiveness, which possibly surpassed even her own. His feverish hands roamed over her bare, wet skin, teasing and tantalizing her body until she had to bite down on her lip to keep from crying out at the sensations being stirred within her, driving her passion to a searing blaze she could no longer control.
"You drive me crazy, Dee," Phoenix murmured against her ear, his bare chest pressed against hers as the water cascaded down on them. "God, I can't get enough of you. I want you."
He punctuated his request by plundering her mouth with his tongue. The flood of lust that coursed through her body was punctuated with an inrush of breath. She jerked and tugged her mouth away from his, panting slightly.
"Now? Again?"
She was astounded by his voracious sexual appetite not even four hours later – post balcony bang, he'd made love to again in her bedroom, this time until the crack of down, and it was barely 10:00 now! It was too soon post an all-night, overnight phantasmagoric boinkfest, after which she'd wanted nothing more except to stay coupled with his body for as long as possible. She still felt as pommeled as tenderized veal, but just seeing that look of flagrant desire in his eyes drew her attention to the hot ache between her thighs. Why did it keep being like this with Phoenix? He made her so ready and needy. Another reason to hate him for the control he continued to have over her…yet she still wanted him so badly, she ached.
"Yeah. Hold on tight." He gripped her hips and lifted her feet off the ground, stretching her body out in front of him, settling his hips between her legs.
His arms circled around her, lifting her. She let out a loud gasp as he surged forward and joined them, watching her face intensity as he did so. His mouth descended to claim her lips, pushing his tongue deep inside while his lips seized her mouth.
She broke the kiss and turned her head away as she fought for control, the command she had always know with the lovers she'd claimed. But he was having no part of it. He demanded the right of the aggressor, pressing her against the shower tile, claiming superiority as he began his skilled movements and she felt the sharp pleasure overtake her.
"Ah, God, Phoenix... I'm so close…" Her back arched involuntarily as his fingers dug into her flesh. "Oh. Oh. Oh, yes," her vocalizations grew louder and needier with each movement. Her excitement and pleasure built and built and built, her head tilted back in ecstasy.
He moved expertly, rolling his hips while his mouth seduced her, sucking her tongue until it triggered a hard rocketing grenade of pleasure, and her entire body convulsed as she went over the edge. He almost dropped her and had to strengthen his hold as she screamed into the dewy mist, shuddering violently as ripples of pleasure spread down her thighs, and up her belly and back. She knew she was chanting his name at the top of her lungs, but couldn't stop.
He was enough of a gentleman to wait for her to regain her bearings. When her body relaxed, Phoenix finally lost himself in the dark grip of passion and his body tensed.
"My turn now."
She caught her breath as he convulsed and let it rip.
Arching his back against the explosive need, he let his own savage lust lead him into oblivion, then squatted and lowered her feet to the ground, only they were too shaky for her to stand up yet.
And that was when disaster happened. Unbeknownst to both of them, while being slammed repeatedly back in against the glass shower wall mid-copulation, Dee's butt cheek had hit the soap holder mounted to it, knocking the slippery bar to the shower stall floor. As she attempted to regain her footing on her as unsteady as cooked spaghetti, worn out legs, her foot slipped against the soap and out from under her before Phoenix could catch her in time. The water-slicked Latina went hurtling downward at an alarming rate, hitting her open mouth against the metal chrome faucet, splitting her lip as she then fell back against the glass shower door. Phoenix tried to catch her, but his fingers slipped against her slickened, soapy flesh, and the orally hemorrhaging woman fell, face first, onto the floor in a thud as an expanding crimson pool formed beneath her head.
The sickening crack of her skull meeting marble tile would haunt him for ages to come.
The wet and naked Dee Vasquez was lying prostrate in a bloody, completely motionless position on the bathroom floor as the horrified and shrieking Phoenix Wright bolted from the shower and into the bedroom to call 9-1-1.
End Flashback
Gumshoe was still shaking his head in disbelief as Phoenix concluded his tale of woe.
"So you see, it was an accident!" The poker shark turned his palms upward in a helpless gesture. "I didn't do anything!"
"Unbelievable!" The big man breathed in awe, eyeing his friend warily. "Were you born on Friday the 13th or something? Have you considered carrying a crucifix with you, or a rabbit's foot?! Pal, you have the worst luck I've ever seen, in my entire life! And this is coming from me! I'm married to Maggey! A woman who was dubbed Goddess of Misfortune! Who, when she was six months old, fell off the ninth floor of an apartment building!"
"I know!" Phoenix dragged a hand down his face. "Thanks for the reminder!"
"My own Lady Luckless has gotten sick from all sorts of foods…" Gumshoe began ticking off his wife's former hardships on his fingers. "Failed almost every test she's ever taken, and even lost every game of tic-tac-toe she's ever played, on top of being hit by various vehicles…"
"Gumshoe!" Phoenix cast an agonized expression. "Are you trying to make me want to fall off another burning bridge already?!"
"Oops! Sorry pal!" The Detective scratched his head and smiled apologetically. "Hey! Er, at least nobody's hit you with a car! So, uh, maybe your luck can go nowhere but up from here!"
Phoenix eyed him dubiously, then glimpsed back down at the prostrate producer.
"Gosh, I wish Mr. Edgeworth were still in the country and not working on some top-secret Interpol case in Europe," Gumshoe lamented. "He's your best friend. I'm sure he could make sure the prosecution would go easier on you, and ensure you don't get charged with first-degree murder in this case! Jeez, this would be your third time wouldn't it?"
"Yup. Trouble comes in three's!" Phoenix failed to crack a smile. "Let's hope third time's not the charm!"
"It's almost like you and Maya are trying to start a detention center frequent flyer club! Last time I checked, she'd been thrice accused of murder as well!"
Four if you count that time in Labyrinthia, but let's not go down this painful nostalgic path, shall we?
"The ties that bind, right?" Phoenix slumped down against the wall and buried his head in his hands. "Maybe if Maya gets wind of my latest charge, for shits and giggles, she'll send me a burger with a file in it!"
"You two aren't in touch at all anymore, are you?" Gumshoe asked sadly. "Whatever happened anyway, to make the two of you just lose complete contact after you lost your badge?"
"I guess she didn't want anything to do with the low-life, disgraced forgin' attorney, since Miss Fey is now the prestigious Master of Kurain," Phoenix replied tightly, hoping his curt tone masked the bitter pain which instinctively flared up whenever any mention or memory of Maya flared up. "Although for old time's sake, you'd think I'd have at least gotten just one lousy, stinking phone call after the debacle! Or had just one of my emails or texts answered."
Before Gumshoe could muster some sort of comforting or sympathetic response, a quiet moan was heard from the motionless Latina on the floor.
"Holy Toledo!" Gumshoe was so startled by the sound that he fell off his haunches, as he'd been squatted next to the body, and tumbled over backwards onto his butt with a clunk. "Did you hear that, pal?"
"Dee!" Phoenix's heart leapt in his chest as a thin ray of hope shined through him. "Oh my God, Gumshoe, she's alive! She's not dead! And, and I didn't kill anybody!" He held his breath as the Detective leaned over the unmoving woman, whose eyes remained closed, and smiled with anticipation. "Is she conscious?"
"Nooo...she's still completely knocked out – wait what?" Gumshoe made a motion to silence Phoenix before he could utter another word and leaned closer to the fallen producer. "What the heck is she babbling?!"
Phoenix bent forward as well and listened intently, just to make sure that neither his frayed mind nor ears were playing tricks on him.
"Iron Infant…good boy…Ohhhh…Steel Samurai…spear me now…Yeaaaahhhh….stab me, Evil Magistrate…ummmmm Pink Princess…"
"I don't believe this!" The spiky-haired man clapped a hand to his forehead and slumped back against the wall. "The woman is completely unconscious and somehow calling out the names of the Steel Samurai characters?!"
"Er, is it just me, or does some of the context sound almost…naughty?" Gumshoe's cheeks were pink. "I mean…it was a children's show!
"Sal! Vamonos! Vamonos! Rapido! Rapido! Culo! Culo!"
"I wish I could somehow un-hear all of that!" The Detective clapped a hand over his eyes. "Also, what I would give to say yo no comprendo espagnol! Ngh!"
"You and me both!" Phoenix muttered disgustedly. "Even my sorry Anglophone culo can understand that mucho obsceno stuff!"
Ugh! Sal? As in that disgusting soggy hog of a man whose very voice even sounded… moist?! Ngh! Fictional TV characters fetishes are one thing, but bestiality proclivities is where I draw the line! This chick is way too kinky, even for me!
He shot up to his feet, his concern vanishing and replaced by newfound nausea as he headed to the door.
"I think I heard a knock out front." Relief and amusement disgust coursed through him as he ventured to the living room. "Praise the Lord, the paramedics have arrived at last!"
Hickfield Clinic – April 15, 2026
Once Gumshoe had finished snickering at the producer's unconventional ramblings and filed the report clearing Phoenix of any and all suspected unlawful activity, the big man left the condo after emergency services arrived. Prior to departure, however, he made the former defense attorney promise to keep in touch – and keep his pants on for a long time after this! – Before the poker shark joined the still insentient but bizarrely gabbling producer in the back of the ambulance on the way to the emergency room.
Dee was taken in right away, but the pianist still ended up pacing the ER waiting room for what felt like ages before the nurse told him that the doctor wished to have a word with him.
Phoenix could've sworn his eyes were playing tricks on him when he found his thunderstruck eyes resting on the very same, comically named, Punjabi medic who'd attended to him just earlier that morning – Dr. Sukhdeep Mann himself!
"Phoenix!" Dr. Mann greeted the visibly dumbfounded former defense attorney warmly, as he finished tending to the unconscious dark-haired woman on the gurney. "Long time no see! It's been at least…" He looked down at his watch and flashed the mortified man a shit-eating grin. "Six hours! You've changed so much! I hardly recognized you!"
Is there anything worse than a doctor with a sick sense of humor?
Phoenix groaned inwardly and wished he could disappear into the ground beneath him. If the same accursed luck would allow him to once again lay eyes upon the very physician he'd prayed to never to see again (because…reasons!) only earlier that very morning, it also meant there was a very high chance Dr. Mann would surely remember why the former Ace Attorney had looked so familiar to him in the first place!
"Heh, heh. Nice to see you again, doc." He smiled faintly. "At least this time I'm not the patient."
"Try to curb your enthusiasm about our reunion, Phoenix!" Dr. Mann's mischievous grin only widened at his visible discomfort. "I do understand doctors are the equivalent of car mechanics and dentists! We're hopefully pleasant enough to associate with, but you nevertheless aspire not to see them too often, because means something is obviously very wrong with the functioning of a commodity that's very relevant to you – your car, or your dental health."
The card shark cast an anxious glance at Dee, whose face was incredibly pale, although the blood on it had since been wiped off.
"Um, speaking of, how is she? Is she going to be alright?"
"She miraculously only suffered a minor concussion from hitting her head on the bathroom tile," Dr. Mann assured him. "However, she split her lip very badly when she hit it against the metal faucet, and it did require stitches."
"Yikes!" Phoenix winced sympathetically as he looked down at his paramour du jour. "Is that why there was so much blood? Just from a cut to the lip?"
"No, there was blood everywhere and loose nerves hanging out due to the force of the impact knocking out her two front teeth and loosening others in the process." Dr. Mann didn't even flinch as he recounted the gory details. "On the topic of dentists, Ms. Vasquez is going to need to see one to replace the choppers she lost today."
"Ouch!" Phoenix was flat out cringing now. "That's absolutely terrible! I had no idea the shower faucet could do that much damage!"
"A shower faucet was it?" Dr. Mann smirked slightly. "Would it be presumptuous to assume that your impromptu return to the emergency ward today, albeit not as a patient this time, was because you lovebirds were a bit too vigorous in proving certain parts of your anatomy were still functioning?"
"Gah!"
Phoenix felt his cheeks flaming as he yanked his beanie over his eyes to mask his shame, all the while desperately trying to find some other way to claim his alleged fiancé had managed to knock out her molars with such gusto. Unfortunately, he could think of none whatsoever. Not that it mattered. The knowing grin on Dr. Mann's face was bad enough already.
I can hear God laughing at me…
"Aha!" The doctor's face lit up as he pointed at the furiously blushing black-haired man as his eyes lit up. "Just now – when you did that motion with your hat! It jogged my memory!"
Sweet Jesus, no! Phoenix regarded him with a growing feeling of dread. Please don't let him remember!
"As you said earlier, Dr. Mann…" He mumbled, beginning to inch his way backwards out of the cubicle in what he hoped was a discreet manner. "You've seen so many patients over your long career in ER that all faces seemed to blend together after a while, right? You're probably just mistaking me for somebody else…"
"The irony of you trying to hide your face with that beanie, yet said motion was what triggered my recollection, is not lost on me," the doctor said wryly, folding his arms over his chest. "Prior to tonight I am now positive I treated you patient for an unrelated situation! This was presumably prior to your betrothal with Ms. Vasquez though. I still remember the girl that came in with you. Another lovely dark-haired brunette. You certainly do have a type don't you?"
"The bane of my entire existence…AKA my whole life is just… one, gigantic irony." Phoenix attempted to laugh, even though he was already drowning in waves of mortification. "You don't know the half of it!"
"No, I most certainly don't!" The doctor's eyes were dancing with mirth. "I do however, remember the exact occasion which brought you into the emergency room three years ago! Also, if I'm not mistaken, while nowhere near the BAC of tonight, you were pretty liquored up back then too…"
Flashback
Viola Cadaverini's House – Aug 7, 2023
"Hope you like what you see." Viola flashed a sultry smile as she emerged from the bathroom adjoined to her bedroom, a vision in nothing but a red strapless corset and matching lacy panties. "All this liquor has me craving something beyond the traditional sense!"
She leaned forward on the bed and winked at Phoenix over her shoulder.
"I'm toeier than a Roman sandal…and I want to smash your back out, but before you stick it in me jut, first, I want you to go ahead and chuck it in me dumpa!"
Phoenix, who'd stripped down to nothing but his skivvies in eager anticipation for her return, froze in place. His wine-buzzed mind took several moments to compute the massive overflow of Australian lingo he'd just heard from the Mafia Princess who'd picked him up at The Borscht Bowl Club that night. Voila had managed to maintain her sexy accent from Down Under, where she'd spent four immediately after the Trés Bien fiasco.
Am I totally blitzed, or did she just say what I thought she did?! Is this another Tiffany Pearce repeat, where she's in "presenting" position, and I go to do as directed, but then she starts screaming biblical obscenities at me? Do I even want to venture down that path again? I mean, sure, there's a first time for everything, but do I even wanna go to fifth base with the nefarious Bruno Cadaverini's granddaughter? The same mobster who orchestrated some of his men to start a prison fight so they could break that moron Furio's kneecaps after Viola's head injury became public knowledge?! Catch a tiger by the toe indubitably! But ow! Would it even be worth risking the wrath of either Cadaverini if I go for it – then deemed lackluster somehow?!
Viola noticed his hesitation, straightened up, and sidled back up to him.
"Couldn't be bothered? I reckon, since you've not been quick to crack a fat and give it a burl, it's because you've never tried backstage pass before? No worries, allow me to show you how good this formerly untrodden path can be! But first…." She wrapped her arms around his neck and tilted her head up. "Give me those lips."
There was no pause, no decision to be made, no slow approach as Phoenix moved in, his mouth consuming hers. He tasted like wine…and something sweeter, darker. His tongue swept out against her lips and she let him in, begged him in. He filled her mouth, stroking the most sensitive spots and retreating only to return. She couldn't hold back the moan that escaped as his mouth slanted over hers again. She arched into him, bringing her breasts in contact with his chest, and he made a sound like a growl. It was a heady feeling, that power, and Viola knew she would do whatever she needed to hear it again.
His fingers sank into her waist and he lowered his head, his dark eyes intense as he sealed his mouth over hers and stole her breath in a scorching kiss. Her lips parted and their tongues met, tangled, thrust together, deep and wet, as he took control.
Her hands glided along the sides of his neck and into his thick mane. She pulled him closer and strained upward. He started off slow and searching, because he needed to keep himself in check now more than ever. Her mouth was sweet, and his velvet tongue came out to touch hers, tasting, testing, tentative…and exploring the feel and texture as she did the same. Despite his desire to savor the experience, Viola's fingers tightened almost painfully in his hair. Her nails scratched his scalp as she tried to get closer. Relinquishing his already limited restraint, he snaked an arm around her waist and deepened the kiss.
Her free hand moved to the soft, spikes on the back of his head, while her other hand slowly worked its way downward.
"You're so damn hot!" His breathing was uneven as he tore his mouth from hers. "You're driving me crazy!"
"Kiss me," she commanded, her dark gaze intense.
Phoenix's arm tightened around Viola's waist as her hand slipped between their bodies and wrapped it around him. He jerked, his breath catching in his throat.
Poor guy's about to explode….
Despite wanting to accomplish this and to taste him, she knew getting him there was half the fun. It felt like ages since she'd paid a man lip service. And she'd pined for this particular man, from the moment she'd set eyes on him at the bar.
He sucked in a deep breath as she freed him from his boxers with her hands, and then her delicious hot, wet, mouth clamped firmly around where he'd wanted it to be from the minute he'd walked into her home, utilizing a catalogue of divine expertise.
Phoenix threaded his fingers through her hair, his head falling back, his beanie tumbling to the floor as he groaned in that primeval way that let her know he was seeing stars. He felt her erudite hands cupping and squeezing his buns and began some delightful handiwork.
"Do you like that?" Viola murmured. Before he could respond, she did it again. Phoenix could only thrash back and forth, fighting the need to admit how much he enjoyed the sensation.
Hot Damn! Phoenix cried out at the immense pleasure that began to build inside him, and started moving his hips with more force. She really knows what she's doing back there! This is a first! Not that I'm complaining!
He groaned above her, a low rich sound of pleasure, and tightened his hold on her hair, closing his eyes to focus on the rhythm of her ministrations. He gritted his teeth and held on.
A glance into his eyes showed his strength was breaking. She increased the speed of her movements, and that was when he went over the edge at last.
Phoenix gave a deep growl and leaned back against the dresser to stare down at her. Sweat dripped down from his hairline, his cheeks were flushed and the fullness sensation in his orifice was still lingering.
"Good onya, hey?" Viola grinned cheekily and slapped his ass.
"Oh hell yeah!"
As he came back to earth, he frowned as he realized Viola was gripping his thighs now as she smirked at him with a knowledge of a job well done. Which, of course, it had been! Very much so – an intense sensory overload had indeed occurred.
Except for one teensy, weensy little thing…
"Viola…if both your hands are on me right now, why do I feel like there's somethin still inside my…um… back door?"
"Oh!" The brunette flushed and flashed what could only be described as an embarrassed grin. "I thought I'd play around a bit. You know, show you what a hedonistic experience it could be back there. I reckoned if I could prove to you how much you liked it, you'd see how much I surely would, yeah?"
"Um, yes…it was quite nice…except right now I feel like I'm living out the reoccurring nightmare I've had about my proctologist. The one where I can feel both his hands are on my shoulders….yet I remain with the lingering sensation of feeling rather, er, occupied." Phoenix began to sweat drop nervously. "Since I can see all ten of your lovely fingers are visibly on my legs, er, I have to ask: Did you lose a ring or something?!"
"Or something…" She sheepishly reached over and showed him a small velvet lined box from atop her night table. "These are Sir's Large Inamorata Balls. They're brand new, of course –"
"Well thank Christ for that!" A sinking suspicion filled his stomach. "Large?! Inna my what now?!"
"I only used one!" She retorted defensively. "They're completely safe and made of ABS plastic –"
Snatching the package out from her hands, Phoenix felt the blood visibly drain from his face.
"What the shit, Viola?! Did you not read the box?! These balls were made to go into a woman's much shallower … And traditional ….orifice!"
"Well I've come a gutser then, yeah?" She blushed a deep red. "It said Sir and large balls, so I naturally assumed they were for masculine pleasure!"
Lord have mercy! Phoenix felt his buttocks clench with discomposure as he face palmed. I sure know how to pick em! As uncharitable as it is to think, Viola is freakin' lucky she's cute…and stands to inherit a fortune when Bruno kicks the bucket…because she's up there with lemmings in both brains and survival odds otherwise!
"Well, now that I've given you a good gobby, I'm feeling mighty randy now!" Viola walked over to the bottle of vodka on her dresser, took a long swig, and slapped her ass. "Are you as in the mood to cop a root as I am?"
"Are you shitting me?!" Phoenix goggled at her in disbelief. "Nothing is going into anything else until we get these balls of hell out of me!"
"Ball, not balls! It only just the one, mate! No need to sound as cross as frog in a sock!" Viola was sulky now. "I thought you'd enjoy it, rather than be whinging about it! The ball had further reach than bloody finger! It's supposed to give the prostate a nice massage feel in the male G-spot!"
"The only thing it's doing it making me feel like I need to scream and then go pee!" He snapped, his cheeks flushing with anger and agitation as he leaned over the bed, bracing himself on his palms. "Now get this damn thing out of me!"
"No need to spit the dummy! She'll be right!"
Easy for her to say! I'm the one with a foreign object jammed up where the sun don't shine! Phoenix grumbled to himself as Viola proceeded to "go fish." And I wish she'd speak American dammit! As panic replaces my formerly wine-buzzed state, that accent is no longer as sexy as I thought! In fact, I'm starting to feel a serious language barrier here, even though we're both supposedly speaking English!
After several torturous moments, Viola let out a frustrated cry.
"Fair suck of the sav! It's gone walkabout!"
"Er, translation please?!" He hollered, the dread mounting within him. "What the hell does that mean?!"
"You're going to be as mad as a cut snake when I tell you…"
One Hour Later
Hickfield Clinic – August 7, 2023
"What do you mean your stupid ball is lodged so high in my rectum, that neither you, and nor any of these godforsaken quacks can get it out?!" Phoenix hollered at Viola, who flushed guiltily as she delivered the bad news the doctor had just told her. "Don't these guys have specialized medical speculums or retractors or anything?!"
"No need to go troppo on the messenger, mate!" Viola protested lamely, her cheeks turning pinker by the second. "They can tell from the X-rays it's wedged too high up there for any of their equipment to actually reach! Dr. Mann is paging a surgeon as we speak…"
"A surgeon?!" Phoenix squawked. He pushed himself up off the gurney, where he'd been lying face down for the past half hour, bare ass feeling the drafty breeze around him in his flapping nightgown, and glared daggers at her. "Are you telling me they're going to need to cut me open because you felt like shoving a random foreign object into my down under without even first consulting me?!"
"Well what would you prefer as an alternative?" Viola cried. "You can't spend the rest of your life refusing to sit down! Crikey! It was bad enough listening to you whinge the whole car ride over here about how uncomfortable you were!"
"Jesus take the wheel, I'm going to need to be operated on!"
Phoenix was so horrorstruck and flustered by the news, he felt his mouth going dry and his throat closing up, slowly choking him from within.
"They're actually going to need to put me out…and with any surgery and anesthesia, there's always the risk of death! Meanwhile, I have a little girl blissfully away at magic camp, who has no idea Daddy's life may be in peril…"
He began hyperventilating.
"This – this can't be happening to me! I'm not even 30 years old yet!"
He started coughing and spluttering violently then, and Viola's brown eyes widened in alarm. She quickly turned to pour him a glass of ice water from the nearby trolley.
"Relax, mate!" She urged, handing the glass to the now hacking pianist and thumping him on the back. "Your mouth's like the bottom of a cocky's cage from all that wine and not enough water! Drink up now! Just skull it!"
Phoenix waved his arms to push the glass away and continued to hack away.
I don't need no stinking water! What I need this object to be dislodged from my sphincter, ASAP! I also need to start rethinking my taste in women, as well as give second thoughts to my ever-present wino habit! My wine penchant is what constantly lowers my inhibitions, and is what got me into this particular mess in the first place!
"Mr. Wright!" Dr. Mann returned to the cubicle at that moment. "Good news! The surgeon is on his way and you'll be sitting pretty in no time… Oh dear that's a nasty sounding cough you seemed to have suddenly developed…"
"Oooaughoaua!"
In the next instant, in a scene which could only be compared to a Looney Tunes cartoon, the ill-fated Phoenix Wright, who at this point, was hacking like a cat with a fur ball, gave one final wheezing cough. This time, it was expelled with so much force, the buried ball came catapulting out of his anal cavity at that exact moment, and with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the completely astonished Dr. Sukhdeep Mann – right in the forehead!
"Good news mate!" Viola cheered, giving Phoenix's arm a reassuring squeeze and forcing the straw to his lips so he had no choice but to take a long swallow water, subsiding his coughing at last. "You don't need to have surgery after all! That sucker just came flying right out of there at warp ten speed!"
She wrinkled her nose.
"The bad news was I'm guessing the bloody thing did not smell daisy fresh when it came out, and beaned the poor doc right in the kisser, yeah? I mean, that was absolutely revolting!"
"Gah!" Phoenix glanced back over his shoulder at the still gobsmacked Dr. Mann, who remained frozen in place, then groaned and yanked his beanie down over his eyes, too humiliated to even be relieved. "Someone, anyone….just kill me now…"
End Flashback
"I knew it was you!" Dr. Mann crowed, snapping his fingers and smiling triumphantly. "I should have known it before! After all, it's not as if Phoenix is that common of a name!"
"Dr. Mann," Phoenix croaked, his gaze imploring. "At this point my life I've bid farewell to any and all dignity I have ever had, but I beg of you...for the love of God, please don't bring that balls – er, ball – flying at your face episode up ever again! Never before in my whole life have I ever wanted to cut my own wrists, slice my own throat, and bury myself alive than I did at that precise moment! Much like I wish I could do now! However, yet again, there's nobody kind enough to put me out of misery and to do it for me! I'd do it myself, but as is tradition, with my craptastic luck, I'm in a freakin' hospital, with life resuscitating equipment!"
There was a drawn-out pause after his outburst. Phoenix's breath was ragged afterward, even as his beseeching eyes remained on Dr. Mann, waiting for him to speak.
"You are my second most memorable patient in this regard," the Punjab mused thoughtfully, as though Phoenix hadn't just pathetically pleaded for sudden and immediate death! "There was another, equally unforgettable young man, who I saw four years prior to meeting you. It was the beginning of 2019. And even though I only met him once, and he was no a three-time Special Victims Unit champion like you are –"
"Objection!" Phoenix injected sullenly. "I've been your actual patient only twice! This third unplanned visit is merely due to being guilty by association!"
"Spoken like the true lawyer you once were!" Dr. Mann laughed. "Just like you, this particular patient forever heralds in my memories due to the active tomfoolery which landed him in the emergency ward. While you are hopeless victim of admittedly comical circumstance, this 17-year-old boy, a teenage prosecutor actually – he had the most strange and ironic name! Detest? No, DeBeste, I believe! Anyhow, he ended up with 60% of his right hand being covered in scar tissue, all with nothing more than his own buffoonery to blame!"
Intrigued, despite his embarrassment, Phoenix's head jerked up sharply upon hearing the surname, which he'd heard about from his prosecutor best friend. DeBeste? As in Sebastian? As in the idiot son of that nefarious Head of the Prosecutorial Investigation Committee, Blaise Debeste, whom Edgeworth helped take down and bring to justice?
"I was afraid he'd lose some mobility in his hand," Dr. Mann continued. "I suppose if he'd managed to hurt himself while saving orphans from a burning ice cream shop or something equally heroic, it wouldn't stand out in my mind so much. Unfortunately, it was from an undeniably stupid attempt at ridiculously weird science. Apparently, he'd heard that Splenda, the artificial sweetener, would burn with a purple flame when ignited. He soon discovered that Splenda on its own did not seem to be particularly combustible... so he mixed it with a generous amount of rubbing alcohol, dumped the resulting mess onto a ceramic plate, and set the whole thing ablaze. All of this, incidentally, took place atop a wooden desk in a carpeted room."
Phoenix gawked at this story of absolute ludicrousness, which was so bizarre, he knew it had to be true! He nodded eagerly at the doctor to continue.
"As could probably be expected, things got out of control pretty fast. Sebastian soon realized he couldn't extinguish the flames via conventional means, like blowing on it really hard. Furthermore, he didn't have anything with which he could smother the conflagration... so he decided his only option was to carefully pick up the plate and carry it to the kitchen sink."
Dr. Mann's lips twitched at the memory.
"In spite of his slow, measured steps, he still managed to stumble, splashing the back of his hand with liquid fire in the process, while attempting to make it to the sink and not set his entire room on fire! He was in tears when he came into the ER, so I imagine it hurt like hell. True story."
"Wow." Phoenix shook his head. "The truth really is stranger than fiction! What's even worse is this teenage boy is going to be part of the next generation of attorneys running our courts!"
"The young prosecutor still wears white gloves to this day to mask the scar tissue on his hand." Dr. Mann added. "Worst of all, he told me he didn't even notice if the flames were purple or not!"
Phoenix clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud and rustling Dee, and only barely just succeeded.
"How do you remember these things, Sukhdeep?" He asked in awe, at last deciding that at this point, he and the doctor were most definitely on a first name basis! "Of the hundreds, if not thousands of patients you've seen over the years, and considering how long ago mine and DeBeste's cases were, how can you possibly remember ours out of the lot?"
"There are some things in life one simply cannot forget, Phoenix," Dr. Mann replied smugly. "Getting hit in the face with an airborne spherical sex object which shot out of a patient's anus like a cannonball most definitely joins the ranks of unforgettable."
He chuckled as Phoenix moaned softly in humiliation at the reminder.
"In the case of this young lawyer, I suppose his ill-starred circumstances, naturally, helped in making him be memorable to me, along his family name being DeBeste. After all, it's a prime example of irony itself, since he was the worst at demonstrating any logic or common sense outside the courtroom!" The Indian derided. "Life's ironies comes in many forms Phoenix. Sometimes in dramatic events, sometimes in names…regardless, we must learn to laugh at these things, otherwise we end up crying instead. My own parents would know this firsthand, considering the name they gave my sister."
"That's right, you mentioned she was given a more common, westernized name than you were," Phoenix recalled, tapping his chin with his finger. "What did they name her?"
"My unwed sister still bears the family surname, and her first name is Anita."
"Anita Mann?" Phoenix repeated thoughtfully. "I can see how that might sound kind of funny and makes her sound a bit like a desperate man eater of sorts since she's still not married? So was that the reason for the irony of her name?"
"Not at all!" Dr. Mann chortled. "The irony is that my sister is named Anita Mann, the gym teacher, is a bra burning feminist and activist for women's rights. Gloria Steinem is her idol, and her favorite quote is: a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
He caught Phoenix's bewildered look and snorted.
"Anita is also what my conservative Hindu parents call… The Gay."
Phoenix blinked.
"You mean…?"
"My westernized named sister, Anita Mann is one of those man-hating… how do you say... Militant lesbians," Dr. Mann affirmed, his eyes twinkling. "Whereas their son, with the more ethnic, yet hilariously provocative, gay porn star name, is completely heterosexual, and married with children."
"I – I am speechless," the pianist admitted, now openly snickering. "I mean, what I can possibly say to this, except: what's in a name? Apparently… the makings for some interesting dinner conversation and back story with the Mann clan?"
"Abso-freaking-lutely!" Sukhdeep Mann winked. "So you see Phoenix Wright, you are not the sole person in the world whose had not only had to laugh through the pain…but who is intimately familiar with the concept of irony!"
Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!
Chapter 20
Yanmegaman
No more harridan harrowing nightmares I promise! Although I couldn't think of a better source of that golden insult (thanks for that btw pal!) than Nick's would-be rapist!
Drugs, smokes, booze…Dee's gonna need the hard stuff – albeit not in that way for some time though! – after this turnabout sexcapade gone wrong! I think Nick may been too traumatized now to whip it out for at least another few months…the ladies of the Ace Attorney world all share a collective moan…of disappointment!
Ilet Moratar
It's funny how Gumshoe wanted to spare his Maggey the eyeball rape of seeing Nick in the buff…although as you're always free to look but not touch…would she really have had any objections?!
Ah Miles, if only you knew Franny had already not only seen but willingly subjected herself to what he tries to protect her eyes from…
Poor Uncle Ray! After a sight like that, he's going to be needing the hug, not the one giving them! LOL
Kay even if she is of legal age now I will agree – she is too pure to see such animal behavior! She needs to save herself for bowl cut crybaby Sebastien DeBeste…ugh I can't believe FF writers don't think that little hottie can do better… :p
CzarThwomp
Delighted to help relieve the stress of one of my favorite comedic writers and reviewers on this site!
Phoenix pleasured Vasquez to death!? Just how strong are his DILF powers?!
Damn that sexy AF DILF and his insatiable appetite which pretty much nearly did kill the poor woman! Let's cut Feenie some slack though, shall we the last person he had bow chicka wow wow with was Lotta Hart and that was over a year ago! :p
The idea of Kristoph confessing to all his sins just so he could finally get a crack at Phoenix's…crack is both twisted and hilarious! XD
Funny how you mentioned certain prosecutors and detectives… They will be turning up sooner than you might expect…
thepudz
I try really hard not to kill characters… just maim and torture and make Phoenix think he's gonna die of embarrassment! XD
I know Dee was probably unexpected – as was the return of Suck Deep Man – and I really wanted to have some shower but I couldn't think of a female character in the Ace Attorney universe who people were not so attached to suffer such painful indignity… The only other contender was April May, whom I've decided to contaminate in an even worse way…heh, heh…
Joeclone
Always expect the unexpected with me! Hehe! But while this is a darker comedy, it's never been intended to be AA snuff just comedic smut! XD
I don't like killing off characters in my stories, as you now see. Just messing with them…and at times having them wish they could die from the mortification! :p
Forgreatcoffee
While I cannot take credit for the world's longest insult I did take the liberty with yout favorite one, "cum guzzling" LOL
While this story is very different from the others I have written, we cannot fail to acknowledge the fact that Phoenix is unbreakable, including when he drinks enough alcohol to have killed most mortal men! There is no other explanation as to how he would still be alive although surely if Oldbag had been successful he would've ended his own life! I'm sure he still wanted to do so just after having Dr. Mann repeatedly reminding him that Oldbag had female nether region parts! XD