Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.
Escaflowne
Episode 21
Reaction of Flatulence
Hitomi lay in the dirt, sprawled at the feet of Nariya and Eriya's two sexy melefs. Behind them, the Zaibach Floating Fortress eclipsed the sun, darkening the ruined city of Palace. The sisters leaned close, conferring evilly on the demise of the psychic girl.
"You pick her up, I've got the bouquet."
"Screw you, I'm holding the wedding presents. I have to use both arms."
"You can't take her!" Van cried, standing next to the unresponsive Escaflowne. "I…I call a time-out! Our team needs to get our shit together! Then we can get back out there and win the game!"
"Yeah!" Allen agreed, hiding under a table and eating a remnant of cake. "Don't take her! I'll trade you my shoes- no wait, these are my good pair- God, who chose this cake?! It takes like shit!"
"No, please!" Millerna wailed. "…At least leave the dress!" Hitomi gaped at her.
"You told me it looked like rags!"
"Only when it's on you, honey."
"Oh my God just take me already!" Hitomi held up her arms impatiently.
"Okay, fine. And don't worry," Nariya assured her, "we've practiced holding people before. We used watermelons!"
"I wonder if she'll make as much of a mess," Eriya wondered aloud.
"Eep!" Hitomi went pale as one of the melefs raised a limb and shot out a Crima Claw, scooping her up in its liquid metal strands and holding her securely.
"Hitomi!" Van cried. He rushed forward and leapt for her, hand outstretched.
"This is no time for high-fives!" Hitomi shouted at him.
-Meanwhile, In Zaibach-
"Goddamn thing's on the fritz again!" Emperor Dornkirk complained, glaring up at the glowing globe that dominated his chamber. "Stupid thing won't switch off!" He sat in his large throne-wheelchair, an electrician beside him. "You see what I mean, man? It does this all the time! Can't you do anything about it?"
"Gonna cost you," the electrician said, fiddling with some wires.
"Sir!" an attendant interrupted, raising a hand. "I think when the globe glows like that, it means the Dragon and the girl from the Messed-up Moon are getting close again."
"What?!" Dornkirk gasped in horror. "But then I'd have to change my tags for my newest fic! We canNOT let this happen! I'm not editing again!"
"That'll be a hundred bucks," the electrician interrupted. "Plus parts and labor."
"Someone stab this guy a hundred times," Dornkirk said aloud. "No, wait. A hundred a TEN, I'm tipping because he was pleasant."
-Back to Austuria!-
"What's happening?!" Folken demanded, pacing angrily in the control room of the Floating Fortress. He glared down at the smoldering city, anxious for details.
"There's something wrong with the Luck Intensifier!" a soldier reported.
"What?!" Folken stormed down to the lower deck to find the problem. "Okay, who the fudge unplugged the Luck Intensifier so they could use the damn microwave?!"
"…That was you, sir," the same soldier said quietly.
"…So it was." Folken said, then took a bite of his Hot Pocket.
Down below, Van was still in midair, leaping for Hitomi. Eriya whipped a present at him, sending him slamming back to the ground. Van groaned, rolled over, and weakly unwrapped the present.
"Ooh, a new dish-set!"
"They're ugly, you can have them," Millerna sniffed in disdain.
High above the commotion, the Floating Fortress suddenly shifted position, no longer blocking the sun and its brilliant rays. Nariya and Eriya yowled at the light, the Fortune Blood reacting badly, making their veins glow gold. They collapsed to their knees and dropped everything, including Hitomi, who fell shrieking toward the ground.
"I got her, I got her!" Allen moved in for the catch.
"Oh FUCK no!" Van went in to steal, blocking with his body. "I got her!"
"I got the presents!" Millerna yelled, shoving them both aside for an interception.
"…Guys I already caught her," Gaddess said, holding Hitomi in his arms.
"UGH! Sis, I feel sick!" Eriya groaned, holding her stomach.
"Me, too!" Nariya gurgled back. "It was those damn Lucky Charms! Ohhhh! This is gonna be worse than burrito night with Lord Folken-"
"Girls, that's enough for now!" Folken said over the radio. "Retreat!" There was a pause. "And bring more Hot Pockets!"
Humiliated and defeated, the twins switched to flight mode and blasting upward with their jet-packs. Suddenly, the Energist of Nariya's melef began to glow in warning.
"Oh, shit!" she gasped. "My tank's on E!"
"What?! Why didn't you fill up before we left?!" Eriya growled at her.
"I thought I was good for another fifty miles!" Nariya wailed. Her melef began spewing black smoke and dropping in altitude. "Go, save yourself, Eriya! At least ONE of us HAS to screw Lord Fol-" Her melef exploded into a brilliant fireball.
"NOOOOO!" Folken howled, watching from the window. "My matching set!"
"What lovely fireworks," Dryden said, having lost his glasses again. No-one felt like correcting him. They just stared up at the sky and watched the Floating Fortress retreat into the distance.
-Later-
The city of Palace was in ruins, houses smoking and crumbling, bridges ruined, and fallen melefs scattered about. The crew of the Crusade were lending a slightly dirty helping hand with the disaster aide, Pyle and a few others pumping water for Gaddess, who aimed the hose to douse hungry flames eating away at a row of houses.
"Pump faster!" Gaddess ordered. "It's like a grandpa's piss stream over here!"
"You are the least sexiest firefighter I have ever seen," Pyle stated. Gaddess gave him a bland look, then sprayed him in the face. Reeden gaped in awe.
"HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS PYLE IS BEAUTIFUL WHEN HE'S CLEAN-"
Underneath a nearby bridge, a bedraggled figure emerged from the fetid waters of the canal and clambered onto shore, gasping for breath.
"…I need to get my stomach pumped." Nariya shuddered in disgust. "Ugh, if the Fortune Blood wasn't already killing me, this dip in the River STYX certainly would. I think I swallowed a syringe. Blech." She shook herself off and slunk into the shadows.
At the grand palace of Palace, the city's injured citizens were gathering to receive medical treatment. Some lay on blankets, while others simply huddled against walls, moaning in pain. Hitomi watched them sadly, stomach churning with guilt, or maybe it was because she hadn't eaten anything since before the wedding and it was high time to-
"We need an emergency face transplant here, stat!" a voice cried from behind. Hitomi whirled around to see the Millerna, who waved, and Dryden, heavily bandaged.
"Hitomi, listen," Dryden said, seeing her guilty expression. "Zaibach would have attacked no matter what. Luckily, the ceremony counted, so I've got the wedding night as my motivation to get better!" He lay down on his back and started doing hip thrusts. "One, two, three…"
"Glad to see you're improving," Hitomi said wryly, "but I still cant' help but feel responsible for everything that happened."
"Now listen here!" Millerna cut in. "We still have to talk about my refund for the crap fortune-telling that I coerced you into that started this whole mess-"
"Hey, yeah, wait a minute!" Hitomi brightened. "Technically, it's all YOUR fault! God, I feel SO much better!" She skipped away to find something to eat.
-On the Floating Fortress-
Night had finally fallen over the land of Gaea. Over a darkened ocean, Folken's Floating Fortress hovered beside the two large moons in the starry night sky.
"Hoogh! HOOOGH!" Eriya was doubled over a toilet, violently dry-heaving. Folken rushed in, his arms full of medicine.
"I'm back! I didn't know what to get so I just got it all. Here, have some Pepto! Or maybe you can take some of- oh no wait, it'll make you drowsy." He frowned. "Anyway! You doing okay? Don't worry, we're gonna get through this together-"
"Congratulations!" Dornkirk cried, suddenly appearing on a screen in the wall. Folken shrieked, dropping everything, and Nariya heaved again into the toilet. "Is it gonna be a girl or boy? Can I be the godfather? Will you name it after me?"
"What? No, she's not- she's reacting to the Fortune Blood, not pregnant!"
"Right, forgot you were a raging 'MO," Dornkirk snorted. "Anyway, Folken, why did you order your girls to retreat?! They almost caught the little sweetie with the legs!"
"Are you kidding me? Look at her!" Folken angrily gestured at Eriya, who was gargling to get the taste out of her mouth. "What was she going to do, puke on them?"
"That is the kind of dedication we at Zaibach want from our soldiers!" Dornkirk insisted. "…Now watching all this puking makes me need to puke so I'm gonna go now. GET THE BUCKET!" He shouted to someone off-screen as he winked out of sight.
Eriya shakily stood up and clambered onto a medical table, resting for a moment.
"I'm so sorry, Lord Folken," she said weakly. "Nariya…she…"
"It's alright," Folken said gently, patting her head. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
"Well, you could lay on me-"
"We have GOT to get your sister back," Folken sighed, rubbing his forehead.
-Back in Austuria-
Night had fallen back in the country of Austuria as well. Up on the battlements of the palace of Palace, a lone, bored guard sighed while making his nightly rounds.
"God, I am SO bored," he said to himself, "I'd rather be choked out than do this."
"Order up!" Nariya leapt from the shadows and strangled the man before moving on, sneaking into the building. Suddenly she groaned, clutching her stomach. "Damn Lucky Charms…" She glanced around desperately for a bathroom, but saw only the soldier's helmet. "…I tell no-one of this."
-Elsewhere in the Palace-
Hitomi and Merle were doing their best to help treat the injured people of Austuria, Hitomi bandaging them up while Merle annoyed them to distract from the pain. It worked rather well. In a room overlooking the two, Allen stared at his reflection in the window and Van sat brooding at a table.
"Well," Allen commented, "it would seem that Hitomi is just as hot from up here as she is close up. And it seems that Zaibach has realized that as well, so now it's dumped King Ass-ton and is trying to seduce my sweet little Hitomi away. But I won't let them…never!" He pounded the table with a fist and flinched as he got a splinter. "Jesus Christ someone sand this ugly thing."
"They'll probably attack again," Van said quietly. "But there IS a way to stop them." Allen perked up. "We kill the man pulling the strings of the Intensified Luck Soldiers. The man who betrayed Fanelia. The man who serves Dornkirk."
There was a brief pause.
"…Bob Barker?" Allen guessed.
"No, you idiot!" Van growled. "Folken! My bastard brother! Let's kill him!"
"Look, Van," Allen said calmly, "you're being pretty rash here. We probably don't have to kill your brother. Maybe if we just, you know, ask him nicely, he'll agree to-"
"OR WE COULD JUST KILL HIM."
"Holy shit get fucking therapy."
-With Hitomi-
Hitomi had left the infirmary and was now walking alone in a darkened hallway, carrying an armful of dishes. Nariya, who was clinging to the rafters above her like a ninja, felt her arms give out and fell to the floor with a loud splat. She managed to crawl back into the shadows right as Hitomi glanced behind, frowning.
*Snap!*
Hitomi's shoelace suddenly broke and she yelped as she pitched forward, dropping the dishes which shattered into pieces with a tremendous *CRASH!*
"…I'm blaming this on Merle," Hitomi stated, standing on one foot. She hopped over to her fallen shoe and bent to pick it up. Nariya suddenly struck from behind, lunging at the girl and wrapping her arms around-
"Hi-YAAAAH!" Hitomi cried, grabbing Nariya's arm and expertly flipping her over her shoulder. Nariya hit the floor with a grunt and lay there, the wind knocked out of her. "…The fuck are you?" Hitomi asked, frowning down at her.
"Uuuuhhhhhh…" Nariya groaned out in a whisper, eyes bulging with shock.
"I took self-defense lessons because Allen," Hitomi huffed. "I'm getting the guards!" She turned to go, slipped on a glass shard, and hit the ground, knocking herself unconscious. Nariya blinked.
"…Guess the Fortune Blood's still kinda working." She struggled to her feet, then grabbed Hitomi's limp body by the arms and started dragging her off. "…Gotta find a wheelbarrow or something…"
Several minutes later, Merle came skipping along down the same flight of stairs. She stopped at the bottom, the broken mess of dishes at her feet.
"…I'm blaming this on Hitomi," she stated, then blinked at the lone shoe on the step. "Is this whose I think it is?" She picked it up, took a whiff, and gagged. "Ugh. Yup, it's Hitomi's. But why did she leave it? And where is she? And why isn't she- OH. MY. GOD." She gaped in disbelief. "Again?! Someone put a fucking BELL on that girl!"
-Outside the Palace Grounds-
A shrill whistle sounded through the night air, a warning cry to alert the guards to action. Hitomi's kidnapping had been noticed.
"Hurry, men, this way!" the Captain of the Guard called, rushing to action.
"Not so fast!" an Austurian soldier complained. "I'm wearing HEELS!"
"I just got my hair done!" another wailed. Yet another refused to even move.
"I'm not getting all sweaty."
"This is why we never catch anyone!" the Captain of the Guard groaned, covering his face with his hands. "Fucking Allen Schezar and his fucking training methods!"
"Hitomi, I'll find you!" Van cried, rushing off in search of her. "We need milk cartons! Sound the Amber alert! Release the cadaver dogs!"
"How did you even KNOW she was missing?" Merle growled, chasing after him.
"Oh please! You're NEVER this happy!" He hopped into the Escaflowne, sat in the pilot seat, and knocked on the interior. "Wake up, rusty, we gotta find Hitomi!"
"Ugh, fine, but only if you don't tell anyone what happened with the cat-chick," the Escaflowne snapped back. "…I swear it's never happened to me before. I'm gonna go see a doctor next Thursday."
"Oh my God, it's nothing to be embarrassed about." Van rolled his eyes. "Everyone stalls, man." The Escaflowne morphed into Dragon mode, and the pair took to the darkened skies.
In the streets of the city, the horny Knight of Kaeli ran about, calling aloud.
"Hitomi, my love! Where ARE you?" He stopped, sniffling. "God, my MOM, my SISTER, now HITOMI! Why does everyone I love disappear?!"
"I'm still here!" Millerna told him. Allen stared at her.
"…Exactly my point."
-On a Boat Somewhere in the City-
Nariya was busy escaping the city with her captive, the two now hitching a ride on a small boat that floated down a canal. Nariya kept a tight hold on Hitomi, a hand clamped over her mouth and sharp claws pressed to her throat in warning.
"You'd better keep quiet," Nariya growled menacingly. "Or I'm going to- hooogh!" She suddenly dry-heaved, doubling over in agony.
"Um, you okay? Hitomi asked, slightly worried. "You got a hairball or someth-" She jerked as yet another horrifying vision entered her mind without even asking first. She saw a burning house in the woods, a beast-man and woman burning inside. Two little cat-girl twins, gold and silver, watched from a distance as their house burned.
"…Well at least we got the spider," one of them finally said.
The vision skipped forward, showing the girls trapped on the edge of a canyon, a group of people surrounding them. Hitomi watched as they fell down the cliff, and Folken swooped down to save and recruit them. Finally she saw the girls, now grown into women, lying on tables, the Fortune Blood glowing in their veins, Folken close by.
"Oh God, ew, is that pee?" Hitomi asked aloud.
"For the last time, it's not fucking PEE!" Folken hollered, whirling around to glare at her. "What- how did you even get in here?! Get lost!"
Hitomi snapped back to the present, blinking awake…and found Nariya licking vigorously at her head.
"…Your hair was a mess."
-Later-
Several hours deeper into the night and miles from the city, an ox-driven cart went tearing down a dirt road, Nariya at the reins, Hitomi beside her, bumping over the ruts.
"Okay, we are definitely speeding," Hitomi stated, watching the trees whizz by.
"Yeah, so what?" Nariya scoffed. "Who's gonna stop us, the fuzz?"
Suddenly a man dressed in blue atop a black-and-white horse, yelling "Wheeeee-oooo! Wheeeeee-oooo!" at the top of his lungs camegalloping up beside the cart and forced them to pull over.
"God-fucking-dammit." Nariya grumbled as the man got off his horse and approached them, lighting a torch and shining the flames right in their eyes. After several minutes of scandalous flirting from Nariya and a few alcohol tests (Nariya was forced to walk the line, touch her nose, and recite the alphabet backwards), she luckily got off with just a warning and was sent on her way.
"Thank God the Fortune Blood is still working!" Nariya sighed, climbing back onto the wagon. She whipped the oxen and they started off down the road again, this time keeping well under the speed limit.
"So, why are you doing this?" Hitomi asked, bored. "To repay Folken for saving you? Or to make up for your failure at the wedding? OR-"
"Shut up already! You're distracting me!" Nariya snapped at her. "God, just text me like a normal person!" She pulled out her phone and checked her messages. "Here, take the reins while I update my Instagram-" The wagon suddenly hit a rock and went flying off the road, crashing into the trees.
"This thing needs airbags." Hitomi undid her seatbelt-rope and hurried down the road to where Nariya lay sprawled out, groaning in pain.
"I…I think I'm alright…" She slowly sat up, panting.
"Yeah, I don't see any- OHMYGOD." Hitomi's face paled in horror. Nariya's left arm was twisted behind her back at a hideous, awkward angle.
"What? What is it? What's wrong with my-" Nariya froze, finally noticing her distorted limb. It twitched. "…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
After Nariya ran out of breath, the two were able to snap the appendage back into place, and Nariya held it to her chest, face white with pain. She gasped as Hitomi tied a pink handkerchief around her swollen arm.
"So, uh, what's your name?" Hitomi asked gently. "I can't keep calling your Sexy Cat-Twin Number 1, now can I?" Nariya glared at her. "Oh, come on! Can't you just give up and come home with me? I'll…give you a bowl of milk and some Meow Mix-"
"I'm not a fucking PET!"
"I wasn't implying that!" Hitomi said, then paused. "…You litter-box trained?"
"Enough! The only person I shit in a box for is Lord Folken! Now move!" She seized Hitomi by the scruff of the neck with her good arm and started dragging her away. At the contact, Hitomi was hit with another vision. She saw the moment when Eriya and Folken kissed and realized-
"What?! You're in love with Folken?!"
"And what's wrong with that?!" Nariya yelled back.
"Absolutely nothing. Dude's hot." Hitomi just shrugged. "…He any good?"
"Okay, we are GOING."
-On the Floating Fortress-
Aboard the Floating Fortress, which still hovered over the sea, Folken was holding a conference with Emperor Dornkirk via the same dark room as always.
"That little hunny's image is about to appear at the harbor. Dispatch the Intensified Luck Soldier at once!" Dornkirk paused, pursing his lips. "Don't tell me, you came up with the name?"
"We had a vote," Folken ground out, "and Eriya hasn't fully recovered yet! It's taking more time than anticipated to finish her nails, not to mention her weave-"
"Hey, I'm back!" Eriya sang, waltzing into the room, practically glowing. She was carrying shopping bags filled with clothes and accessories. "Don't worry, Lord Folken, I'm feeling much better after my full-body make-over! I'll be fine! Please, let me go, you won't regret it! Plus, I got the cutest shoes to wear! Wanna see?"
"Ooooh, girl! Do I?!" Dornkirk sang back. "Are those buckles or straps?!"
"…Have GOT to get your sister back," Folken groaned quietly as Eriya showed off her new shoes.
-Later, Back in Austuria!-
Van was flying over the city of Palace with the Dragon-mode Escaflowne, still searching for Hitomi.
"So you don't have, like, a tracking system or anything?" he asked. "That's crap."
"If I had one, I'd use it to find your DICK," the Escaflowne muttered.
"…Why would you want to find my dick?"
"Because- I- you- I was implying you didn't have one- FORGET IT!" The Escaflowne sputtered. "God, what is WITH me lately?" Just then, something appeared in the distance. "Hey! Look, it's one of those sexy melefs! She might know where Hitomi is!"
"You want to ask our mortal enemy if she knows the whereabouts of their prime target for abduction?" Van thought about it for a minute. "Yeah okay good idea."
Down below, in the city, Allen and his loyal second-in-command, Gaddess, sat atop horses at the edge of a canal, examining it for any trace of Hitomi.
"I was SURE they'd use this harbor to escape…" Gaddess muttered to himself.
"What, really?" Allen asked curiously. "Why?"
"Because I'd use it if I was going to escape the city after killing A-" He paused, staring awkwardly at Allen. "…certain someone."
"…Maybe you should go prep the Crusade-"
"Yeah that sounds like a good idea," Gaddess quickly agreed. Allen watched him go, making a mental reminder to lock his bedroom door from now on.
In the sky above, the Escaflowne approached Eriya in her sexy melef.
"Excuse me have you seen-" The melef went blasting right on by, completely ignoring it. "…Oh my God RUDE." The Escaflowne huffed in disgust. "Okay, fine! Be that way! Just use your latent psychic powers, brat!"
"Yeah, good idea!" Van closed his eyes and began to concentrate. "Hmm… I'm feeling something! Yes! Here it is!" His eyes popped open. "Your lucky numbers are twelve, seventeen, and forty-two!"
"…I meant use them to FIND THE GIRL."
"Oh! Ohhhh." Van blinked, then tried again. He saw the familiar pink pendant swinging in his mind. "I can see it…I can see it!" The pendant swung forward, and he saw- "Oh GOD! Why?!" He paused to gag a little, then straightened. "Okay, good news is, I found my brother. Bad news is, he's in the shower."
"…He's in the WHAT-"
*THUNK!*
"…Okay, good news is, we found the Fortress. Bad news is…we hit it."
-Back With Hitomi and Nariya!-
Hitomi and Nariya had followed the dirt road to a harbor, where Nariya was now dragging the poor girl towards a boat. She threw Hitomi in and began prepping the vessel for takeoff.
"…Don't you need a license?" Hitomi asked. "And we don't have life-vests."
"Don't be stupid, of course I don't need-"
Immediately a man in blue yelling "Weeee-oooo, weeee-ooooo" and riding a dolphin swam up beside the boat and ticketed her, as this was her second offense and no amount of flirting could convince the cop otherwise. Nariya seethed as the man left, tucking the ticket away in her cleavage.
"…Are you flipping off Flipper?" Hitomi asked, sitting on the bench.
"He's lucky he's a cop or he'd be tuna right now," Nariya muttered under her breath, then went back to adjusting the sails. "…I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."
"Can you hurry it up already? Let's go, Folken's not gonna do himself-" Nariya whirled around and Hitomi quickly adopted an innocent expression. "I mean… nooooo…"
"You…THAT'S why you're going along with this, letting me take you?!" Nariya sputtered in disbelief. "You can't! He's mine- I mean, ours! Mine and Eriya's! Back off!"
"Hey, if he hasn't put a ring on it-"
*Slap!*
"…You HIT me." Hitomi stared at Nariya in shock. Suddenly, an apparition of Varie, Van's mother, popped up right next to her.
"Hitomi, the uneasy feelings lurking in your heart are calling forth whoa holy SHIT hold on!" She yelped as Hitomi lunged forward, barely able to hold her back. "Help me out here!" Hitomi's grandma (young version) also appeared.
"…You gonna let her get away with that shit?" she asked, crossing her arms.
"FUCKING REALLY-"
"This bitch is going DOWN!" Hitomi snarled, breaking free of Varie's hold and tackling Nariya to the bottom of the boat. Waves from the ocean rocked the vessel, and the two looked up to see Eriya hovering above in her sexy melef.
"Sister, there you are! I've been looking-" she stopped. "Oh, what, you found someone else to lay on you?!"
"What, no, it's not like that, Eriya!" Nariya yelled back, shoving Hitomi off and scrambling to her feet. "She's just a hostage! That's all! I swear! She means nothing to me!"
-With Van-
Van and the Escaflowne, at the moment, were sticking halfway out of the Floating Fortress's front window. Van stared wide-eyed at the Zaibach soldiers frozen inside the control room, and they stared back.
"…Could one of you guys go get Folken?" Van finally asked. "I'd like to kill- I mean…talk to him."
"…Do you have an appointment?" one soldier in the back piped up.
"Yeah, it's right fucking here." The Escaflowne drew its huge sword and shook it.
"He will be with you shortly," the soldier whimpered, then ran off down the hall.
"Thanks." The Escaflowne morphed back into Guymelef mode, and the two stomped inside to wait. "…Any of you got a magazine or something?"
"Just be patient," Van said. "And don't touch anything." He paused. "Especially that big red button right there that says 'Invisibility Cloak Disrupter and Explosions'."
"…Why would they even have- okay fuck it I'm touching it."
-Back With Hitomi-
"What was that?" Hitomi jumped, hearing a distant explosion. She and the twins looked up to see Folken's Floating Fortress, now visible, spewing smoke over the ocean. "Where there's smoke, there's Van," she sighed. "What's he up to now?"
"Lord Folken's in trouble!" Eriya gasped. "You know how flammable his capes are! Come on, hurry!" She reached out to pick her sister up.
"Ugh!" Nariya suddenly doubled over, clapping a hand to her mouth as a fresh wave of nausea washed over her. Hitomi watched, transfixed in horror, as the cat-girl aged before her eyes, the same happening to Eriya, who was retching in her melef.
"…How are you STILL hotter than me?" Hitomi asked after a long moment.
"Hitomi, huh?" Nariya straightened, her face wrinkled and gray, and looked down at the handkerchief Hitomi had wrapped around her injured arm – it was cutting off her circulation, which was probably a good thing because it deadened the pain. "It has a nice ring to it."
"…That…" Hitomi whimpered, tears glistening in her eyes, "is the first NICE thing that anyone's EVER said to me in this whole stupid world!" She threw her arms around Nariya, giving her a big hug. "Oh God you smell like prunes-"
"My name is Nariya," Nariya told her. "But…you can call me Sexy Cat-Twin Number 1."
"Not anymore I can't- I MEAN, it's, um…very pretty." Hitomi smiled. Nariya smiled back and gently pushed her away.
"You'd only steal Lord Folken if we took you with us," she said. Hitomi shrugged 'guilty as charged', and Nariya laughed, then hopped up onto the melef's waiting hand. "Let's go!" Eriya shifted into flight mode and surged upwards, heading toward the Floating Fortress beyond.
"Nariya…" Hitomi said in a quiet voice, sadly watching the pair dwindle off into the distance until a shadow passed overhead. She looked up and saw the Crusade hovering right above her.
…Shit. Maybe if she ran for it now, they wouldn't see-
"Hitomiiiiiii!" Allen called down, hanging half out the window. "We found her! HA! I fucking TOLD you guys I could sniff her out!"
"That is NOT something to be proud of," Gaddess retorted. "In fact, it's rather alarming."
"Says the guy with murderous impulses."
"And who's fucking fault is that?"
"…Can't you guys just leave me here?" Hitomi called up tiredly.
-Aaaaaaaaand Back With Van-
Back on the Floating Fortress, Van was fuming at the Escaflowne. Smoke billowed through the control room, Zaibach soldiers running around screaming their heads off.
"Why don't you ever listen to me-"
"Have you heard yourself?" the Escaflowne snorted.
"Believe me, it's awful," Folken joined in, entering dramatically through a smoke screen, then immediately doubled over coughing. The faceplate of the Escaflowne popped open, and Van glared out at his brother, who was leaning against the wall, hacking up a lung.
"THERE you are, Folken! You were almost late for your three o'clock ass-kicking!"
"It's, like, two," Folken replied, checking his watch. "If anything, I'm early."
"…Oh. Well." Van blinked awkwardly. "…Do I get to kill you now, or do I have to wait till three-"
"Lord Folken!" Eriya's sexy melef came crashing into the Fortress and halted next to Folken, shielding him.
"Well Godammit, now you missed your chance!" the Escaflowne huffed irritably. "No way we're getting past his secretary!"
"Leave him to us, Lord Folken!" Nariya said, hopping out of the melef's hand.
"Well alright, but- WHOA!" Folken jerked at the sight of Nariya's withered face. "…How are you still hotter than me-"
"Intensified Luck Soldiers?" Van muttered to himself. "Mo' like Intensified AGE Soldiers! Oh, snap!"
"That was horrible," the Escaflowne dead-panned. "You're horrible."
"You brat! What's the matter with you?" Eriya hissed at him, the melef stepping forward. "Are you blind? Can't you see that Lord Folken cares about you?!"
"He does?" Van asked.
"I do?" Folken asked.
"I won't let anyone make Lord Folken sad! NO-ONE!" Eriya declared.
"Then kill Dornkirk," Folken suggested. "Solve alotta problems, really."
"Okay, screw it. We're bailing." The Escaflowne's Energist glowed pink, and a huge explosion rocked the Fortress. Nariya leapt at Folken to protect him, while Eriya also shielded them from the blast. The Escaflowne and its pilot plummeted through the newly-made hole towards the ocean below. "Put us on the waiting liiiist!" the melef called as it fell, morphing into Dragon Mode and landing on an empty beach. The Floating Fortress became the Sinking Fortress and began falling towards the ocean, numerous explosions peppering its sides.
On board the doomed vessel, Nariya and Eriya cuddled against Folken's knees, fading fast.
"Lord Folken…please escape," Nariya whispered. "We're so glad to have met you, and we're happy to die with you watching over us-"
"Bitch, speak for yourself-"
"Do you want him to lay on us or not?!"
"I'm sorry, girls," Folken apologized solemnly, "but there's only enough room in the melef for me…and all my cloaks." He patted their heads one last time. "You understand. Now, let's have a moment of respectful silence to say farewell-"
"Hey, guys!" Dornkirk's face popped up on a cracked screen in the corner. "I'm bored as fuck! What's going on over- holy SHIT what did I miss?! Those cat-chicks look like me now!" Dornkirk studied Nariya and Eriya thoughtfully. "Welp, looks like the Fortune Blood comes with some pretty nasty side effects. We'll be sure to put that on the label from now on- Oh my God. You know what I just realized? Folken, now that they're older than you-"
"Lord Dornkirk, now is not the time-" Folken began warningly.
"And wanna bang you-"
"Don't say it-"
"It makes them-"
"DON'T-"
"COUGARS."
"…You son of a bitch," Folken rasped.
"Aww, come on, it was a joke! We'll take 'em to the vet tomorrow and have 'em put down," Dornkirk continued, oblivious to Folken's darkening mood as he slowly stood up and whipped off his cape, revealing his metal arm. "Don't worry, champ, I'll bring you to the shelter afterwards and we can adopt a new pair-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Folken finally exploded, his voice echoing over the sound of explosions.
"…Okay, we'll get a puppy-"
"Jesus that felt good." Folken let out a relieved sigh, then glared balefully at Dornkirk. "You! Fuck you! Fuck everything about you! I'm fucking SICK of working for you! The shit pay and the shit coworkers and the shit…SHIT! I can't take it anymore! I…I QUIT!"
Dornkirk gasped, eyes bulging in shock. He gaped at Folken, his mouth working-
"…So this is your two weeks notice cuz we need coverage-"
"ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!" Folken threw his head back and howled in fury as the entire Floating Fortress went up in flames, plunging into the sea. Van watched from the beach, idly making a sandcastle.
"Good news is, I think my brother is dead," he said in a quiet voice. "Bad news is…I think my brother is dead." He sat still for a moment, sniffled, then burst into tears. "I'm so CONFUSED right now!"
"Oh my God!" the Escaflowne groaned, making a larger sandcastle beside him. "I liked you better when you just hated everything."
A bright speck suddenly blasted across the sky, leaving a trail of white.
"Look, a shooting star!" Van gasped in awe, then clasped his hands together and bowed his head. "I gotta make a wish! Let's see…I wish that Folken-"
"That star IS Folken, escaping from the Fortress in the sexy melef."
"WOULD FUCKING DIE." Van stood up and kicked his sandcastle. "Asshole can't even stay dead. He's so inconsiderate."
Inside the melef, Folken sniffed, his head drooping low. His shoulders shook with emotion, lips trembling, and-
"Ga-CHOO!" He wiped his nose. "…Godammit there is cat-hair everywhere in this thing, my cloaks are ruined and- good God is that a dead MOUSE?!" He shuddered. "I am never adopting cat-girls again."
-Episode 21 End-