Chapter 20.
I stretched and rolled over onto my stomach, the mattress groaning under me as I rested my head on my arm. Loki glanced over at me from his book and closed it on his fingers, I shifted my hips to get more comfortable and sighed. I had been trying to sleep for the last two hours, but the entire concept of the action was proving to be elusive. It was also beginning to get frustrating that I couldn't find it, no matter what I tried.
"You should be sleeping Little Mouse." He scolded me, smiling at me as he did it and I rolled my eyes at the chastisement. Not exactly what I needed at the moment, but when did I need being treated like a child?
"I really wish I could." I replied and looked over at him, resting my cheek on the back of my hand. "Believe me, I would be out cold right now if anxiety was not kicking me in the teeth, stomping on my neck, and spitting in my face at this moment."
He sighed as he stood and walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it next to me, I looked at him over my shoulder as he set the book aside and waited for me to shift again so that he could lay down next to me. He tucked his arm up under his head and rested his free hand between my shoulder blades. I closed my eyes briefly and opened them as he moved my hair out of my face.
"Why the anxiety?" Loki asked me and I shrugged back at him, he frowned a bit and tapped my forehead with his finger to remind me I could talk to him and he would not repeat it to anyone else.
"Everything." I said simply and he raised his eyebrows at me.
"That is a rather broad statement. Perhaps you could tell me the first cause of your unease that comes to your mind." Loki said and I gave him a tired smile as his hand rested back between my shoulders again and I relaxed. Thinking of the biggest and messiest bit on my plate at the moment, and deciding on the second biggest. I really did not think it would be a good thing to really talk about what was on my mind, it would probably just piss him off.
"I'm afraid of failing right now, and what could happen if I don't successfully figure out how to destroy the Dargumiin." I said and he looked at me as he thought about what I said.
"It is a perfectly rational cause for anxiety, but I believe that there is something more that is picking away at you." Loki said and pushed a bit more of my hair out of my face. I sighed and turned into my arms, not wanting to really say what was on my mind. I didn't want to walk down the road that my current thought process was taking me down. He waited patiently as I tried not to let it out, and I groaned and sighed.
"I don't want to be what I am anymore." I said, pinching my eyes tight and bracing for impact, I retreated into my person bomb shelter and waited for the fallout. I felt the hand on my shoulders tense and heard Loki take in a sharp breath.
"You don't really have a choice Little Mouse. It is your birthright." He said and I turned my head toward him and glared.
"I know that idiot." I quipped and he jerked back, he pulled his hand back and pressed his lips together.
"Do you know the honor that comes with what you are? Do you truly understand that, the prestige alone is something to desire, and you wish it all gone. Are you being foolish again, or is there something more to this?" He asked me, anger edging his voice and I glared at him defensively. I was tired of lectures when I needed someone to listen to me, not talk just fucking listen.
"Yeah, some honor, wake up one morning and...Surprise! You are being kidnapped and drug across the universe, being told you are this thing that can do things. Oh, and forget about growing old and having a normal life, never going to happen. Instead we are going to force you to accept this lame party gift, and even make your life more miserable by making sure that you never feel normal." I grumped and pushed off of the bed, my anger rising to the point that it needed to be vented or I would explode.
"Little Mouse." Loki said calmly, reaching out to stop me but I yanked away from him as I walked away. I picked up the book he was reading and studied the green and yellow cover of it, and turned it over in my hands.
"You get to watch your friends grow old and die, everyone you care about eventually fading away. You then get to watch their children die, all the while, you remain changeless. No one asked me if I wanted this great fucking honor, to be this hunted thing that everyone wants to either kill or enslave. Maybe I wanted a different life. Maybe I wanted to become a fat old woman with ten grandchildren and the world's greatest cookie recipe."
"Maybe I wanted a life where I was not hunted or scared that someday, some being out there was going to grab me and use me against everyone and everything I give half as damn about. Maybe I wanted a life where I was not constantly afraid, a life free of terrorists and monsters. A normal, boring life. No one asked me if I wanted what I got, and I don't fucking want it anymore." I finished and he looked at me. My anger drained out of me as I took in long breaths, trying my best to not sink to the ground and cry. I looked back at Loki as he sat quietly, his face hard to read and I looked away. I was afraid I had just pissed him off, he stood up and walked toward me and I braced for him to react in anger. Instead he let out a breath and hugged me to him. I felt tears coming, and did my best to hold them back, but they came as he lowered his nose to my hair and rubbed my back.
"Destiny is not often fair to any of us. It is cruel at times and cold, one moment you are heir to a throne you are never to posses. The next moment, you are a discarded bastard, fighting for your life and a criminal. Then sometimes there are things that come into your existence that makes you live in fear for your life because you do not want to loose it and leave a person unprotected. You learn that you have meaning where you had none before. Fate is a strange and fickle thing, but I am grateful for one thing it brought me." He said and kissed my forehead as I looked up at him. He hugged me back to him and I wrapped my arms up around him and breathed him in.
"You always say that things happen for a reason. If I had not been sent with Thor to find you, I would still be in the dungeon for my crimes. Rotting away for eternity or until the castle fell down around me, a forgotten and discarded being. Collecting dust and giving into madness. I also believe Thor would have made a terrible mess of getting you." He said and and I smiled as I sniffed back frustrated tears.
"I remember you both making a huge mess of it, and I lost a perfectly good sandwich in the fight." I said and he chuckled at me.
"It would have gone much worse. I know Thor." He said and gave me a squeeze.
"I just don't want to be afraid anymore." I said and buried my face into his chest, the zipper from his hoodie rubbing my cheek and I had to move it aside.
"I know." Loki replied and cradled the back of my head. "But there will always be something out there to fear. Be it the unknown of the known, it will always be there. Nothing can change it, but you can choose to face it or run."
"Do you really know?" I asked him and he let me go and stepped back to the bed and sat down on it, pulling me into his lap as he scooted back to the wall.
"I do, and it was all I knew for a time." He said and rested his back against the wall, his hand taking both of mine as his arm braced me behind my back.
"When I first found out what I was, after thousands of years of being told I was something else. I felt fear, I was afraid of the people who raised me, I was terrified of Thor. I was afraid of myself in a way, I grew up being told that the Jotun were monsters. Animals that were someday destined to slaughter everyone unless they were done away with before that could happen. Thor himself said that he wished to kill all the Jotun, and I was the monster that was the thing he wished most to destroy. I was a beast, waiting to be slaughtered at any person's whim. I was a shred of what I believed I was and I was to be feared and despised in return." He said to me and I watched him shiver slightly at the memory. I wanted him to stop talking about it, but I knew he needed to say it. He needed to exorcise his soul to someone, and I could see the sadness etch itself into his face.
"My life was forfeit, and because of Thor's arrogance I was forced to look at myself and see who I was. I decided that my life was nothing, and I was willing to throw it away in my rage, a rage that became all that I was. I cared for nothing, and no being would have ever mattered to me because no one would see beyond the fact that I was the thing they feared most." He said to me and I looked at him, he placed his hand on my cheek and looked into my eyes. His face serious as he looked into me and through me.
"I lost everything I cared for, my title, my mother, my sense of being and self. I wanted something, anything to stabilize myself and give me a purpose. I told myself that being a King was everything I was meant to one day be, but I failed in my attempt, and I was once again a fool. I had nothing but the sand falling between my fingers, I was a Shattered Icon, lost to time and never meant to be anything more. All because I hated what I was." He finished and I wrapped my arms around his neck and held tight to him. His arms circled me and I buried my face into his neck and he softly rocked a bit.
"What happened?" I asked into his neck, and he chuckled.
"This strange creature found me in my personal darkness." He said and I giggled. "A Little Mouse, she was very small and lost herself, but she was very clever and so very brave. Her small hands found a place to crawl in, and I found myself treasuring her. Even when she was rather vexing."
His hands circled my waist and he pushed me back into his lap and looked at me, holding my face in his hands as he placed his head against mine. His thumbs rubbed my face under my eyes as he looked into me again, and his fingers softly traced my jaw.
"Don't let your fear turn to anger for who you are." He said to me seriously and I nodded at him. "You have so much to loose when you look into a mirror and see something you hate."
I wrapped my arms around him and relaxed into him as his hand started making circles down my spine. I let the hand on my back continued to rub the soothing pattern and his mouth found mine, rain drummed against the window behind me. Somewhere in the house, I heard a laugh, but none of it mattered to us. We were content in our world were were content together.
"What if we don't come through this the same people we were going in?" I asked and Loki let out a long breath in thought.
"Are you the same person you were two years ago?" He challenged me, and it made me actually think about how much I had changed. I was no longer the law breaking brat I once was, and not because of my powers. Mental walls were torn down, and parts of myself were let out into the sun, warmed and freed by the inertia of the person I was meant to be. No one was stagnant in their lives, and everything changed for me especially.
"I guess not." I said and shrugged, he rolled his eyes and shook his head at me.
"You are not. I think you have become so much more that that feral creature you once were. However, I do believe that your language needs to be worked further on." He said and it was my turn to roll my eyes at him. He laughed as I giggled at him and I kissed him again.
"I warned you, I am take me as I am. I change for no man." I said and he laughed and flipped me over onto my back and snuggled into me, his hand on my stomach as he settled me in and pulled the blankets over me.
"Feel better?" He asked me and I smiled at him as he propped himself on his elbow.
"A bit. Maybe I will stay in bed for a week after this is over, but I am feeling a bit better." I replied and he settled into the mattress next to me as I watched him.
"That is a plan I can appreciate." He said and looked at me, wiggling his eyebrows and I blushed at him and slapped at his arm. He looked tired himself, like he could sleep for a month tired.
"I meant sleep." I said and he laughed at me and hugged me.
"Just trying to get you to laugh, I enjoy the sound." He said and I smiled at him as the rain drummed on the window, making me feel sleepy. Nature was lulling me to sleep with a soft rhythm, and I was drifting off in his arms. I rolled onto my side and he settled into my back as his arm wrapped around me.
"This week has been rough. Like find out if Vodka comes in a keg rough." I said and he chuckled at my joke, but he knew it had been hard on me.
"It is not over yet." He reminded me and I groaned into my hands as I watched the rain create running patterns on the glass outside.
"Don't remind me jerk." I said and elbowed him in the ribs, he groaned at the sudden pain and returned with a pinch to my shoulder. I flinched and he chuckled in my ear as he wrapped an arm around my arms and held me still. I laughed and he kissed the back of my neck, just over my spine and I shivered.
"It will be soon." He said and he let me settle back into the pillow.
"I really hope so." I said and drifted.
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"These hiking trails here could let us sneak up on them." Steve said, pointing at them one at a time. "It would give us an advantage over them, they wouldn't know we were there until it was too late."
Thor nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. Tilgun stood behind me and looked down at the desktop embedded monitor from above, I clicked and pulled up a topographical map if the area, showing the variations in the terrain and everyone studied it.
"The hike in should be fairly easy, there are no major hills to climb and the trails are far enough from the actual flood plains that some of the more dangerous animals should not give us any problems. We should still look out for some snakes and probably carry extra mosquito spray though, just in case." Steve finished and looked at me. I shrugged and returned to the satellite image and zoomed in on the church.
"She is most likely going to perform the ritual near the back of the church. Closer to the altar, Tony's new friend with the Cairo Museum sent me texts on the ritual that I ran through Friday to translate, so now I know what to look for to interrupt it. Also, Stark industries has pledged six million to them to aid in preservation of the Great Pyramids of Giza." I said and Tony crossed his arms and looked at me with annoyance. I shrugged and glared back at him, showing him he couldn't intimidate me.
"It was gratitude for their help, also History is important to the world on a cultural level." I said and Tony nodded, Loki gave a chuckle as he watched the two of us in our non verbal standoff.
"Another problems we have is this," I said and pulled up the image of the pentagram. "It is not so much a problem if you are human, or a full blooded Jotun. But for Thor and Loki, it could be a problem."
"It is a drawing, what problem would it be?" Thor asked and I sighed, shaking my head and grinning.
"Thor, take three steps back onto that sheet behind you." I said and he took the steps back and stood in the middle of the drop cloth, under which, I drew the pentagram on the floor in poster paint earlier that day.
"Why am I here?" Thor asked and I grinned at him as I moved around Tilgun and stood in front of him.
"To prove a point." I said and crossed my arms. "Now, come at me bro."
Thor looked confused and took a step forward, stopping suddenly as if he had his a wall. He tried to walk forward again, but was still held back as if there was in invisible barrier between him and I. I walked over and lifted the canvas to reveal the same pentagram painted on the floor in bright pink paint. Thor looked down and I crossed my arms and looked at him with a sheepish smile.
"It is a god trap, you are stuck until I release you. Sorry about the pink, it was the only color I could find in storage. Now do you see the problems there?" I asked and Loki chuckled as Tilgun looked down at it amused. Loki clapped his hands together and walked forward, stopping short himself as he walked and looked around him at the clean tile. I turned out the lights and plugged in a U.V light, pointing it at the floor under his feet. The pentagram appeared clear as day under his feet and I grinned as Steve laughed and Tilgun chuckled low and throaty. I held up a U.V. pen from my pants pocket that was used to mark things invisibly and Tony doubled over laughing.
"She went 'To Catch a Predator on You.'" Tony said and both Thor and Loki looked at me annoyed. I shrugged and giggled to myself as I rolled my eyes and Bruce laughed at the situation.
"Now you both have a complete and full understanding of all this." I said and crossed my arms as I stood between the both of them.
"Wonderful. Now let us out if it pleases you." Loki said to me and gestured to the floor, I pulled a putty knife out of my back pocket and scraped at the paint near Thor's foot to break the seal. Thor tentatively put his hand forward and found he could cross the edge of the circle. He walked out of it and looked relieved as I crouched down and repeated the same actions for Loki's.
"Now that you know what you two risk, watch where you step." I said and looked over at Tony and Steve. Both of them were repressing laughter and Steve managed to pull himself together first.
"Maybe all of us should carry a scraper or something like it on us, just in case one of them gets stuck." Tony said and I nodded.
"It would be a good idea, but it is just a better idea for the two of them to just be aware of their surroundings." I said and Loki rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.
"I am fully aware at all times as it is, I do not believe..."Loki said and stopped as he walked around the table, his motion stopping suddenly as he jerked back as if he hit a wall. Thor laughed and Loki looked at me as I picked up the U.V. Light and pointed it at the floor below his feet. Tony nearly doubled over in laughter as he looked down at the floor and Bruce snorted.
"I just proved my point there." I said and Loki looked at me in open annoyance. Tilgun let out a throaty chuckle at the scene.
"How many of those did you draw?" Loki asked me and I shrugged as he crossed his arms and glared at me.
"I sense an epic prank war in Asgard." Tony said and I grinned as I scraped the floor and broke the pentagram. Loki took the light from my hand and scanned the floor with it, making me giggle at his now distrust of the ground itself.
"That one was for yelling at me." I said to him and he rolled his eyes and handed the light back to me. I turned the lab lights back on and put the U.V. light onto a counter as I walked back to join the group.
"Can we all just calm down now?" Steve said and I nodded, but still grinned and fought laughter. "You have proven your point Ms. Hawthorne, Thor and Loki will watch where they walk in the future. Have you found out how to destroy this thing yet?"
"That came up a big blank." I said and sighed. "The really bad news is that we may just have to stop the ritual itself before she even calls it forth, which leaves us now planning for two contingencies. She brings it forth, and I have to wing it. Or we stop her and we have a very angry woman on our hands."
Tony stopped and crossed his arms as he looked down at the screen in front of him. Steve rubbed his face and looked around the room at all of us calmly, I sensed a bad joke coming as was not surprised when Tony dropped it.
"Well Hermionie, this really does not help us if she does call it forward, you were supposed to work on how to destroy the thing. And you were starting to be useful for a minute there." Tony said and I crossed my arms and glared at him, not hiding my annoyance.
"Really? That again? Because I have done about eighty percent of the research here and I am being generous giving you twenty percent. You need to grow the hell up Tony, and recognize that you would be completely lost without me being here." I said and groaned.
"And who provided the toys for you to do all your so called research Princess?" Tony said and I reached into an open bag of M+M's and began throwing them at him. Tony ducked most of them, but my assault became relentless.
"You would be a human can of SPAM if it was not for me, so start giving me some damn credit and cut me some slack." I shouted as him and grabbed another handful of candy.
"Oh yeah, Fighting with your boyfriend and playing Minecraft. So much productive work done in the name of saving my ass." Tony shot back and I threw the handful of candy at him again. Thor ducked and Tilgun began laughing as I armed myself again for another assault.
"Are you going to break this up or should I?" Steve asked Loki as Tony ducked another volley of brightly colored chocolate candies.
"Oh no." Loki said and chuckled at the scene. "This is far too much fun to watch."
"I put my ass on the line more than you! If it was not for me, we would still be without a location for the bitch! I get eighty percent!" I shouted as Tony scrambled around the counter and used Bruce as a human shield.
"No one asked you to Princess, and don't make Bruce angry. You wouldn't like him angry." Tony said and Thor moved in between me and Tony, I threw more M+M's as Tilgun watched the volley continue. Some of the candy hitting Thor as he tried to break up the fight.
"I so hope there are more zombies at this church, because I am bringing a fucking can opener." I shouted and Tony ducked another handful of candies.
"Isn't there a law against women wasting chocolate?" Tony asked and Bruce ducked another round as Steve joined in the attempt to keep me from killing Tony. "I will give you sixty percent effort, and I am being generous here as well."
"Eighty, you sexist pig. I ordered your girlfriends birthday present for you." I hissed and everyone turned on Tony and looked at him in exasperation.
"Seventy. And she liked the watch. Thank you!"
"Eighty. Or I Tell her I picked it out and make a huge donation from Tony Stark to People for Kicking Puppies!" I shouted and it was my turn to get the incredulous stares. Bruce stopped moving and looked at me, leaving Tony without a shield for a few minutes and I threw more candy at him.
"Is that even a thing?" Tony asked and I shrugged and glared at him.
"I can make it a thing, I will even give them a website and everything. Eighty percent." I said and looked around me for an opening in the human and Jotun shield for an opening to get a good throw in.
"Humor her, we are not getting anywhere, and there is candy everywhere." Bruce said and I glared at Tony's human shield. He jerked back and looked at me, shrugging an apology as Tony continued to crouch behind him.
"Alright! You did eighty percent of the work. Now calm down, eat some of that candy or something, and stop throwing stuff." Tony said and looked over Bruce's shoulder at me. I threw my last handful of candy at him and Loki chuckled at my final volley. Steve looked up at the light fixtures and Bruce moved away from Tony quickly.
"Puppy Kickers?" Bruce said as he moved, shaking his head. "This whole time, you and been all creative with your sass and Puppy Kickers was the best you could come up with?"
He did have a point.
"In my defense, everybody loves puppies. They are cute and wiggly, they make adorable noises too." I said and crossed my arms. Steve shrugged and Tony let out an exasperated sigh. Behind us, the door to the lab opened and we all turned to see Fury walk in, he looked at the candy and the painted markings on the floor and back up at us. He did not look amused at all and I scooted out of his line of sight.
"Two more bodies were found an hour ago. She has all twenty victims, and could start the ceremony or whatever it is at any time. Nice to see that you are all being so productive right now. We leave in the morning for the swamp, I hope you all have a plan." He said and looked at all of us, one at a time.
"We do, just finalizing the details." Steve said to him and I started to scratch at my hand nervously. Thor stepped forward and patted my shoulder to draw attention to to it before Loki saw what I was doing. I slipped my hands into my pockets and looked down at the floor.
"I can see that." Fury said as he looked around the room again and turned to leave, pausing and looking back at me. I shifted nervously and he nodded toward the door and I felt glued to the floor.
"Ms. Hawthorne, a word." Fury said and I followed him with heavy feet into the hall, nervous as to what he had to say. We walked through the door and he turned, facing me and starting me down. I waited for him to start getting mad at me for failing to stop Leonie before she killed again, but instead he took in a long breath and folded his hands behind his back.
"Your friends with The Horsemen have become a thorn in my side, they have gone silent since your last communication with them. On top of that, all the tracks they left when the tech team went through the phone and the remains of the laptop at the Starbucks are all dead ends. This tells me that they have a very good team working with them and that they should not be underestimated. This also makes me curious as to what they have planned for the future." He said, not taking his eye off of me and I shifted as I cleared my throat nervously.
"I'm in the dark too, I could try the Deep Web again to make contact, but I want a more controlled situation for that. Nothing public, no more lives will be put on the line because of me." I said and he nodded. He had his back to the glass windows and I could see everyone watching us as they pretended to be busy. A few more cautious glances were shot my way and I Saw Steve throw a handful of the candy into the trash.
"You do know that we are probably going to need you to take down The Horsemen. You seem to have a camaraderie with one of their ranks, and we need that." Fury said to me and I looked down at my feet, trying not to let on that everyone was getting ready to rescue me.
"I wouldn't exactly call it a camaraderie, more like the guy is obsessed with me. This is not my fight anymore, I can't do this and keep being responsible for taking out every big bad the comes along. I am afraid of loosing my humanity when you start looking at me like a weapon." I said and looked up at him and felt depression creeping in, knowing that there was nothing I could say that would convince him otherwise.
"I am going to stop you there, because this is very much your fight. They are targeting you, they have your blood in their possession and one day, probably soon, they are going to come after you. And do not say that you will just stay in Asgard, because this group does not seem above starting a war to bring you back to Earth." Fury said to me, pointing his finger to punctuate what he was saying and I looked down at the floor. He was right, no matter how much I tried to deny it, he was right. I looked in the window at everyone and saw them milling about, random tasks being completed as they all walked about. Loki watched with Thor openly, both of them discussing something as they watched Fury and I talk.
"As for you being a weapon, everyone in that room is a weapon. Be it abilities or skills, they fight to save this planet, and the people on it. It makes them weapons." Fury said and I looked at him sadly.
"I never thought I would fear a day when human beings would be scarier than any other race out there. It's really sad when you realize that our neighbors, the people who liver around you, work with you, are the real threats to us as a species." I said and looked at him. His one good eye studied me and Fury nodded at me sadly, the silence around us becoming deafening.
"The invaders always have an easy agenda, it is harder to see the motives of the people closest to you." Fury replied and I nodded sadly.
"Can I go back to Asgard for a while? I need time to come to terms with the new demons in my head. I need quiet and some sense of peace for a while." I said and Fury nodded to me.
"Of course, I will send a message with Thor when you are needed again. I just hope it is not too soon." He said and I turned and looked at him seriously.
"This world never was simple was it? We used to fight wars over land, as a way to expand our borders. Now, we declare war on ideals, we turn on each other and make enemies of our own families. We push each other away, and draw lines in the sand as wide as the Grand Canyon. We oppress ourselves and cover our flaws, celebrate perfection, but die a little bit at a time in revelry."
"We used to look for monsters in dark alleys, but we forget that the real monsters are actually in us. Lurking, and waiting to uncoil at the slightest tremor." A tear traced down my cheek and Fury watched me closely.
"You always thought that Loki was the worst thing the universe could throw at us, but we were so wrong. The real big bad is homegrown. It is us, we are the seeds of our own destruction." I finished and looked at Fury. We stood quietly in the hall as the world kept on moving around us, I wiped my face on the back of my hand and he put a gloved hand on my shoulder.
"This is why we need you to come back, we need you to help us stop these seeds from growing." Fury said to me and I smiled at him, feeling sad but accepting what he said to me.
"I really want to believe you right now, but I don't know if I can." I said and he hardened his face at me.
"I hope to prove you wrong then Ms. Hawthorne, because I do not think we will have a choice in failing." He said and walked down the hall, I waited for him to leave before hitting the access button and walking back to the lab.