What If
Chapter 21
Hannah was openly hostile to Mike and Katie was cool. Mike had to wonder if they really wanted to him and Christine to work things out. It didn't feel like they did and Mike could only blame himself for it. He had mentioned it to Christine and her only answer was, "You have to love them anyway." She had a point but it hurt. And he was only a novelty to the twins. Molleigh let him tuck her in, but Patrick was a different. He'd always been a bit outspoken and he was a Mama's boy. Mike hoped he could develop a good relationship with him. He just didn't know how to. Mike anticipated being relegated to the couch, but Christine shocked him.
"Do you have an extra blanket and pillow I can borrow?" Mike asked as he stepped into the bedroom that he and Christine had shared, on the rare occasion that he was home.
"For?" Christine asked, obviously confused.
"I figured I was sleeping on the couch." Mike answered.
"Mike, if you want to sleep on the couch, I suppose you can, but I figured on you being here." Christine stated. Mike was confused. There was no way that Christine wanted physical intimacy. She hadn't been angry but very upset and hurt.
"I…didn't think you wanted to be that close to me." Mike said, thinking that Christine would be repulsed by him.
"I can understand that but I also always loved having you in bed next to me. I've missed that. You might not want to though." Christine remarked.
"I figured you would be repulsed by me." Mike said simply. Christine sat down on the bed and patted next to her. Mike sat down by her. She was wearing a simple cotton nightgown and had her hair in a loose braid.
"Same could be said about me. That you were repulsed by me." Christine said.
"Why would you think…oh, right; Andrea." Mike said.
"Exactly." Christine said. Mike reached over and squeezed her hand.
"I don't really know why I did it, other then I thought we were headed for divorce. You didn't file. I can say one thing for sure though, I never was repulsed by you. That much I can promise you." Mike said.
"Why didn't you file? My reason for not was because I still loved you, hoped you would come home." Christine asked.
"Pretty much the same reason. I didn't want to hurt you by filing, but I should have realized that I hurt you more by cheating." Mike stated.
"Yeah. It really hurts. And it hurt even more when you told me that you had been living with her." Christine admitted.
"I wish I hadn't told you that." Mike remarked. It might be a deciding factor on if their marriage survived.
"No, Mike. I needed to know. I want you to be completely honest with me, even if you know that it'll hurt me." Christine stated.
"So, what next?" Mike asked.
"Well, tonight; we got to sleep. This goes without saying, I want you to sleep in here with me, but I…can't be intimate with you right now. Until you figure out why you stepped away, I can't do that. I know that you say that you thought we were headed for divorce and you aren't repulsed by me, but I have to wonder if there was a physical aspect to it. Something about me that didn't satisfy you in that way anymore. You may have to dig deep, but I think there is something there." Christine said as she stood up and began pulling blankets back.
"Okay." Mike said simply as he also stood up and pulled the blankets back on his side of the bed and helped Christine with the decorative pillows. It would be awkward but he was glad to be sharing a bed with Christine. They might not be physically intimate but to Mike there was something intimate about sleeping next to Christine. She took her robe off and settled in bed. Mike had put his bag in the walk-in closet earlier and so he went in and changed into a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. Normally he would have slept with no shirt and in his boxers, but he didn't want to seem suggestive. Things were so awkward. When he walked back in the bedroom, Christine was reading in bed and Mike realized he needed to lock up downstairs. "I'll be back." Mike told her simply.
Mike ran downstairs, shut the lights off and locked the doors. From what Christine had said, Mary slept through the night and was capable enough to get herself to the bathroom with no problem. As he walked back upstairs, he looked in on his sleeping kids. Katie didn't live in the dorms, preferring to help her mother with her younger siblings and grandmother. She was sleeping soundly, curled into a little ball. Mike stepped in and pulled the blanket over her shoulders and shut her bedside lamp off. Hannah was stretched across her bed and snoring slightly. Mike fixed her blankets and smoothed her hair back. Molleigh and Patrick were also both sleeping. For Mike, despite the unease and hostility with his kids, he needed that quiet moment with each of them.
They were sleeping and couldn't argue with him or be angry. Things could be almost like they were years before or as they should have been all along. As he walked back into his and Christine's bedroom, he had to wonder if he really stood any chance at all. The Navy was known, he could go back and knew the outcome. With his family, even if he tried his hardest, it might not work out. Did he dare retiring and then lose his family and his career?
Christine was still reading, but pretty much as soon as Mike laid down next to her, she put her book down and shut her bedside light off. She rolled over on her side away from him and Mike shut his light off. Even before he had moved out, when things were souring but before he formally moved out; Christine would always cuddle close. Maybe she was used to sleeping alone now.
Mike tossed and turned for several hours, even after Christine fell asleep. The last time he looked at the alarm clock, it was almost four am. The younger kids had school and Katie had an early class. It would be weird to spend the day at home with just Christine and Mary. He had a honey-do list, he noticed that Christine's SUV needed washed, and he wanted to check the fluids on it.
When he did finally wake up, Christine was already up and showering. It was not even seven yet and he needed more sleep but he also felt the need to help Christine with the school routine. Mike wasn't sure if Christine had forgotten about him being home or figured he was still asleep, but she walked out in her towel. She had her back to him and he finally caught her attention.
"Hey. You didn't sleep very well. Figured you would still be out." Christine said with a smile. She had crossed her arms in front of her, almost self-consciously. At one point in their marriage, Mike would have teased her about it. Now, everything was awkward.
"Yeah. I don't know why I couldn't sleep. Do you need help with the kids?" Mike asked.
"You have a lot on your mind. Hannah pretty well gets herself up and dressed. Katie will be out the door in the next little bit, which leaves the twins. Patrick is a bear to wake up. Molleigh practically bounces out of bed." Christine said as she chose what she would be wearing that day and walked to the closet, obviously not wanting to dress in front of Mike. He got up and dressed while she was out of the room. By the time she walked back in, he was finished and they walked out of the room together, immediately bumping into Hannah.
"MOM! You slept with him? Seriously?" Hannah asked rudely.
"I slept in a bed with him. Otherwise, he would have been sleeping on the couch or with Patrick. I am not that cruel. Check the attitude, young lady. You will be respectful." Christine stated.
"He shouldn't be here." Hannah said before walking down the stairs. Mike didn't want to have her words affect him, but they did. It hurt. He knew he deserved them and much worse, but Hannah had always been such a sweetheart. What had happened to her? Could he get his little sweetheart back?
"Mike, I know it hurts, but as I said last night; you still have to love her." Christine said as if reading his thoughts. She was rubbing his shoulder gently and smiling at him.
"Yeah, but she doesn't have to love me." Mike remarked as he looked at a picture on the wall, a picture of him holding Hannah when she was just a few minutes old.
"True, but I'll let you in on something; Hannah wouldn't be so hurt or angry if she didn't still love you. As I also told you, I won't give you an ultimatum, but if you go back to the Navy, you will lose her. Now, you still stand a chance." Christine told him.
"I don't see how." Mike told her.
"Just stay patient, don't lose your temper no matter how harsh she is or how unlovable she makes herself. She is still that little girl that you adored." Christine explained.
"I suppose." Mike said.
"Mike, I know. It will be a slow process but she is hurting too but masking it with anger. Same thing you do. She is her father's daughter. Katie will give you a pass if I'm not hurt again. Molleigh and Patrick are still young and you can make up for lost time. You just have to apply yourself. You can be a good dad and they know that. They want you to be the best you can be." Christine said before she walked into Molleigh's room, leaving Mike to wake up Patrick. As Mike walked into the little boy's room, he had to pause for a moment. Patrick resembled Lucas closely and sometimes it hurt.
"Come on, Patrick; you have school." Mike said as he turned Patrick's light on. Patrick immediately threw a pillow at Mike. Mike could duck it but it did shock him a bit.
"Oh, Dad. You're doing it wrong. Here?" Katie said as she stepped in and began tickling Patrick. She had shut the light off and Patrick began rousing immediately. Had Mike never woke the twins up? Even when he had lived with Christine and the kids, Mike was generally out the door by six am, leaving the morning routine to Christine.
"I…didn't know." Mike remarked.
"Its okay. Patrick, I have to get to school but you need to get up. Dad will help you get ready." Katie said before snapping her fingers next to Patrick's ear, something Mike had noticed Christine doing the night before when she tried to get Patrick's attention.
"Don't wanna!" Patrick said.
"Too bad. C'mon." Katie said as she hauled Patrick out of bed and sit him on his feet.
"What's Mama fixing for breakfast?" Patrick asked.
"She made an overnight breakfast casserole last night. I already put it in the oven. Pat, I really have to go. Here's some clothes. Get dressed and come downstairs." Katie ordered.
"Do I need to stay with him?" Mike asked.
"No. He can dress himself, but you might come back up if he isn't down in ten minutes. There's coffee made and Grandma is up and in her chair. I'd better go." Katie said. Mike stopped her before she ran down the stairs.
"Can I…would you mind if I gave you a hug?" Mike asked. He had never had to ask to hug one of his kids. It hurt and it was all his fault.
"Sure." Katie said before giving him a stiff hug. It was not as enthuastic as he would have preferred, but it would have to suffice.
"Have a good day. Drive safe." Mike said before letting her go.
"I will." Katie said before heading down the stairs.
"And Katie? I do love you." Mike said. Katie only smiled back at him and walked the rest of the way down and headed out the front door. What Mike wouldn't give to hear one of his kids say, 'I love you.' He needed to hear it.