A/N – First, my thanks to Silhouette55 for picking up my minor error regarding Liara appearing in a scene in the previous chapter she couldn't possibly have been in. I updated it immediately. Oops!
For this chapter, I'll be honest. I've re-written the conversation, towards the end, between Shepard and Tali at least 5 times! In my head, I know what I'm trying to get across regarding my Shepard character (as I mentioned in my blurb for 'The Admiral' and will be revealed further still).
Shepard and his entourage were walking through the wards, on their way towards one of their normal watering holes, while they spent a free day away from the Normandy. The Normandy was constantly back and forth through the mass relay network as Shepard and his crew completed various assignments, either for the Alliance or the Council. So, as reward for all their hard work, Shepard thought it would be nice to have at least 24 hours relaxation before moving on to their next assignment. And there was no better place he could think of than the lower wards of the Citadel. Shepard enjoyed the character of the wards much more than the sterile atmosphere of the Presidium, and he knew most of this group agreed. It was as the group were just about to enter one of their favourite bars when a human voice called out, catching all their attention.
"Well, holy shit! If it isn't the great Commander Shepard."
Shepard turned around to look for where the voice had come from. He noticed a human male leaning against a wall. Shepard peered at the human, trying to remember and recognise who the human was.
He looks familiar…
"Who are you?" he asked, as he indicated towards his team to halt. They formed a semi-circle around him, almost as if they sensed trouble.
"Now that hurts, Shepard. After all that time spent together, are you telling me you don't remember your old pal Finch? Come on, man, we were like brothers!"
Shepard was silent for a moment, arms crossed against his chest as he took in the man named Finch. Memories from his life on Earth, long supressed, came flooding back. His blood ran hot and cold through his veins. He knew exactly who he was now. And he wanted to know what he was doing here.
"What the fuck do you want, Finch?" Shepard practically growled.
"Now that hurts even more, Shepard. I mean, you were part of our gang for nearly 6 years. Tenth Street Reds represent! But then you just up and disappeared on us, and the next thing we know, you're on the vids being unveiled as the first human Spectre! I mean, do these damned aliens behind you even know who you really are?"
Shepard gritted his teeth, his arms slowly uncrossing and moving to his side as his fists started to clench. "I would choose your words very carefully around my friends, Finch," he said quietly.
"Shit, Shepard. What happened to you? You were family!"
Shepard closed the distance to Finch, until they were almost eyeball to eyeball. He spoke low and menacingly. "I don't have a family. I've never had a family! I was an orphan and a runaway, you fucking dumbass, or did you forget about that?! And you actually think I enjoyed being part of your gang? It was a means to end, the only chance of survival I had at the time, or do you not understand what any of that means? It was either join your so-called 'gang', or try and survive, but more than likely die, alone on the streets. Now, I will ask you one more time before I really lose my patience. What do you want?"
Finch took a step back, glaring back at Shepard.
"Well, well, well. Someone has a selective memory. Do your 'friends' behind you know about what the Reds stood for?"
"I never believed in all that shit you and your lackeys used to spout, Finch. Quite frankly the likes of you, your group, and those xenophobes currently protesting outside Flux, are an utter embarrassment to humanity and the Alliance."
Tali had approached the two, as the rest of the group had closed in around their Commander. "Shepard, what is he talking about? What sort of group are these Reds?"
"The Tenth Street Reds are gang based on Earth, Tali. Most of them are xenophobes. They don't like what we once called aliens," replied Shepard.
"And you were part of them?"
Shepard hung his head, almost in shame, for a moment, before he turned and looked at Tali. "I've spent the past ten years making up for any mistakes I may have made while I was with these people."
"Mistakes? We aren't a mistake, Shepard. And now you're starting to piss me off. I was thinking if I asked you would help me out, an old friend reaching out, considering all that we went through together. I mean shit, man, you used to be one of our best soldiers. You were on the front-lines of the battles we used to fight against the authorities back on Earth. But now it seems you may need some persuasion. It seems you've been infected," stated Finch.
Shepard turned back to look at Finch. "For the last time, Finch, answer the fucking question. Why are you here? What do you want?"
"The Reds need a favour, Shepard. You see, one of our boys, name of Curt Weisman, he's kinda got himself into a bit of trouble. He's found himself arrested by the turian's for a minor offence, and he now finds himself locks up in jail. Now, what we need you to do is talk to one of the turian guards in Chora's Den, and get him released."
Shepard actually laughed as he spoke. "And what makes you think I'll help you out?"
"Oh, we're sure you'll help us out, Shepard. If not out of loyalty to us, which you clearly don't and no longer have, but because if you don't, we'll make sure the Council and the Alliance are made aware of your past. I think they'll be very interested to know what the great Commander Shepard was up to before he ran away and joined the Alliance."
Shepard's blood boiled, anger and adrenaline immediately coursing through his veins. Before the other man could even react, Shepard grabbed Finch by the collar with his left hand, and with his right, laid a punch into his stomach, leaving Finch curled over and sliding down a wall. In an instant, Shepard had his pistol un-holstered and in his right hand, kneeling down in front of him, forcing Finch's chin up with the barrel.
You have no idea how much I want to pull the trigger, asshole.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Shepard shouted into Finch's face, "I haven't given you people a second thought since I signed up with the Alliance. I was gone. I was finally gone. I was free from the shackles of Earth and that so-called life I'd had so far. I'm making something of myself, finally free from the constraints of everything I once experienced. And I have a team of people behind me, friends, who believe in what I do and what I'm trying to achieve. And now you show up here and try and blackmail me into helping you out? I should put a bullet through your skull right now for merely suggesting it!"
"You'll pay for this, you son of a bitch."
Shepard smashed the pistol sideways down into Finch's face, leaving blood gushing from his nose. He found he enjoyed doing that so much, he did it again. And again. And again. Blood was left all over Finch's face. One of his eyes closed up, battered and bruised. His nose was clearly broken. A split lip oozing blood. Anger continued to course through Shepard's veins. His finger trembled on the trigger, aching to pull and end his life.
"Shepard!" came a cry from behind. It sounded like Alenko, but with the adrenaline rushing around his body, his own heart-beat in his ears, he wasn't sure. Shepard didn't turn around, but he nodded his head and took a deep breath. Calmed himself down.
He placed the barrel under his chin again.
"You're lucky I have friends who actually give a shit about scum like you."
"Go fuck yourself, Shepard," spat Finch, blood dripping from his mouth, "You're going down."
Shepard laughed again. "You're kidding, right? Who do you think the Council and Alliance are going to believe? The Hero of Elysium and first human Spectre, or some punk-ass nobody from some shithole back on Earth? And even if you did go say something, I may get a question or two. But look at the person I am now to what I once was. You're an idiot if you think anything will happen. Hell, I could even put a bullet in you now and I won't be questioned or arrested. You'll just be written off as another dead punk who got what he deserved."
Tali walked up to stand beside Shepard, laying a hand on his shoulder. "He's not worth it, Shepard," she said quietly.
"I know he's not, Tali. He isn't worth the time and hassle of C-Sec having to fill out forms explaining his death. But I know a way I can solve this problem right away."
Shepard stood up, holstering his pistol on his side, before he hauled up Finch by his collar. He then proceeded to effectively drag Finch towards Chora's Den, Finch yelling all manner of curses towards Shepard and his entourage, Shepard making sure to slam Finch into a wall every so often along the way in an effort to shut him up. It didn't work as they entered Chora's Den, nearly the entire club turning around and looking towards the pair as they burst through the doors, before turning back to whatever they were doing. Shepard stopped and searched the club for a moment, before he noticed a turian guard. Figuring that was who he wanted, he approached him.
"Excuse me, officer. I'm Commander Shepard, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing, Commander," replied the guard.
"Do you currently have a human by the name of Curt Weisman locked up?"
"We do, Commander."
"Good. I have placed this man under arrest. Spectre Authority. He is an accomplice of Curt Weisman. You are to keep the two placed in detention indefinitely."
"Understood, Commander. We'll take him off your hands immediately. Though, usually Spectres find… other ways of dealing with people."
"Not my style. But, thanks."
The turian laughed. "Not your style…" as he looked over the clearly bloodied human, "If you say so, Commander."
The turian placed a set of handcuffs on Finch's wrists, and with a final nod, led the human out of Chora's Den and presumably to jail. Finch continued yelling obscenities at Shepard, the turian guard, and all his squad-mates as he was walked out of the club. Shepard watched them leave, standing by himself, then let out a sigh as he lowered his head, looking at the ground for the moment. He turned and looked at his squad. He tried reading their expressions. The humans and Liara were quite easy to read. Their expressions were simply one of shock. The other three in the group were a bit more difficult to read, Shepard could only assume what they were thinking as well.
"I'm going back to the ship. I've lost my appetite for a good time. You guys enjoy yourselves though, if you can." And with a sad smile, he walked out of the club alone.
Tali sat with the rest of the crew in Chora's Den, the drink in front of her basically untouched. She listened in to the conversation, most of it, obviously, revolving around the events that had happened earlier. Most were surprised Shepard was part of a gang at all, let alone one that was anti-alien. It didn't fit his profile. They had all gotten to know him very well, or as well as they could, considering he barely spoke about himself, but he had always been more than accepting of anyone and everyone on the ship. He'd gone out of his way to make everyone feel welcome. In particular the non-humans, who he had always treated as part of the crew, as equals to any others who served.
Tali was feeling conflicted. She had always been somewhat intrigued by Shepard's past, as it seemed no-one on the Normandy knew much, no more than the basics of his birthplace of Earth and birthday. Other than that, it seemed no-one could get him to reveal anything. She wasn't disappointed that Shepard had been part of a gang, she wasn't going to judge him for anything he had done as a kid, but she wanted to understand. She needed some answers.
Eventually the group tired and decided to head back to the Normandy. Once back on the ship, most crew members headed to the sleeping pods. Tali avoided their attentions by heading down to engineering for ten or so minutes to check how things were in the core. After leaving enough time for everyone to have disappeared into a sleeping pod, she steeled herself and headed back upstairs.
She knocked on his door.
I hope he's not asleep…
She heard footsteps approach and the door open. She looked at the man in front of her. She looked him over, down his body to his hands, where an open bottle was held in his fingers in his right hand. It looked similar to the one she saw on the table from that night after Nepheron and the loss of Kahoku. He rubbed down his face with his other hand, his eyes bleary and bloodshot.
Has he been drinking alone again?
"Shepard, can we talk? Please?"
Tali watched Shepard sigh, his shoulders slump, as he looked down at her. He tried to smile, but it failed to reach his lips or his eyes. Shepard stood to the side and gestured to Tali to entire. She walked into the room and took the available chair near to the desk. Shepard sat on the edge of the bed, replacing the cap on the bottle he held in his hand, before storing it in the small cupboard next to his bed. He looked up at Tali and gave another sad smile.
"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, Tali?"
Tali was silent for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. She had a million and one questions in her mind but was unsure where to start. She wanted to break through the wall Shepard clearly had built around him, allowing no-one through. She thought he had friends, but no-one seemed to be that close to him. No-one on the ship knew much about him. The only one who might, Anderson, was no longer around. She was desperate to break down that wall, prove to him that he wasn't alone. She saw him carry the burdens of command, of all the lives that depended on him, not just on the ship, but the galaxy as a whole. She wanted to understand who this man was. She thought she had seen glimpses of who he was underneath, but these were only flashes, maybe a fleeting smile, before it disappeared and the wall came up again.
"I want to know the real Shepard," said Tali quietly, "Not the Commander, the man you want to portray to the outside world and your own team. I want to know the man underneath. Just who are you, Commander Shepard? You've built this wall up around you. I want to understand why. Why won't you let anyone get close? I mean, really close? I already consider you a really good friend, considering everything you've already done for me, but when I think about it, I don't really know much about you at all in return. Yet you've gone out of your way to get to know nearly everything about me, about my people and where I'm from, since I came aboard."
Shepard chuckled slightly at that. "You want to know the real me? Shit, I wouldn't know where to start, Tali. Where does Commander Shepard start or end, and John Shepard begin?"
His first name is John!
"I didn't even know your first name was John," exclaimed Tali.
Shepard could only let out a small chuckle, laced with bitterness. "No-one ever really asks, Tali. To most people I am either 'Commander' or 'Shepard'. This is my life, Tali. As I've said, I just do what I'm told, and get the job done. That's about it. It's quite simple. To be honest, that's the way I like it."
"Why?" she asked quietly.
Shepard could only shrug his shoulders. "You really want to know everything?"
Tali nodded.
Shepard sighed and shrugged his shoulders again. "Okay, let's start at the very beginning. As you probably know, I was born on Earth, but was left outside an orphanage..."
That surprised Tali. She thought he'd yelled something similar at the other human, but in everything that happened, couldn't be sure if she remembered correctly. "You're an orphan?" she asked, interrupting him, "You don't know who your parents are?"
Shepard shook his head sadly. "No, as I was saying, I was left outside an orphanage not long after I was born. All I know is my name and my birthday, and the fact I was born in a large city on Earth. I was abandoned, Tali. That's what I mean by that I've always been alone. I've never had a family. I've never really had anyone. The first person who really seemed to ever give a shit about me was Anderson. I was already 18 and an adult by then when I met him, on the day I signed up to join the Alliance Navy. Most of my childhood was... well, quite simply, not worth remembering."
Tali was silent. She didn't know what to say to that. It was not what she expected at all.
"And you never thought to look for your parents?"
Shepard's eyes flared with numerous emotions in a few seconds. Anger, disappointment, before finally sadness. "No. Why would I? It would only lead to further issues. And questions. The most obvious being why? But, if I'm honest with myself, I really don't want to know the answer, even after all these years. No, I'm better off not knowing who they were."
"So how did you end up in that gang?"
"I've made mistakes in my life, Tali. I have some regrets of my own making. That is one of them. I've spent every day since the day I turned 18 making up for those mistakes. The worst one was joining that gang. I never thought I'd hear the name Tenth Street Reds again."
"So why join them?"
"I ran away from the orphanage when I was around 13 or so. Don't ask me why, I can't remember why either. Probably some stupid idea at the time. All I remember is feeling alone. I watched kids come and go through the orphanage. Though not very often. Because of advances in medical science, anyone who couldn't have kids would go to a doctor and it's a quick fix. Not like it was a couple of hundred years ago, when adoption and fostering was an option for people who struggled or couldn't conceive. But, then there are those of us who are abandoned, and simply left to live a life in an orphanage until we're old enough to be kicked out into the big wide world. Granted, at least I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly, but that was it. Once I realised the score, I just shut people out. Why bother letting people get close? I knew how it was all going to end eventually. Don't get me wrong, the people who ran the place were friendly enough, but to them, I was just a job. A mouth to feed. Eventually I would have been kicked out anyway, once I reached 16.
So, anyway, I'm on the streets as a young kid, scratching to get by. I did some things I regret..."
"Like what, Shepard?"
"I lived a life of petty crime for a while. Stealing and pickpocketing. One or two muggings, once I was a bit older, as I've always had size and strength on my side. Things like small corner shops were always the best target for food. The pickpocketing got me a bit of money every so often."
"You stole?" asked Tali in surprise. Such things were unheard of in quarian society. Everything was shared to ensure the survival of the fleet.
Shepard grimaced but shrugged his shoulders. "I had to do something to survive, Tali. It's one of the many mistakes I continue to make up for. But, in the end, I still ended up alone. More than ever before.
I joined that gang because I was left feeling I had no other options, Tali. At least with them we could work as some sort of team, no matter how idiotic it sounds. Plus, at least I had people to be with. But, even then, I never let them get close. They knew my name and that I was a runaway. That was about it."
"What about the anti-alien thing that man mentioned?"
Shepard shook his head sadly. "Some of the gang were complete xenophobes. They think the worst thing humanity has ever done is open the mass relays. I guess they preferred living alone in the galaxy. Or don't like the co-operation we currently have with the Council, and all the other races around."
"And what about your opinion?" Tali asked quietly. She dreaded asking. She wasn't sure what he would say. Did he ever believe that?
"I never, NEVER, believed a word of that bullshit, Tali. Please, above anything else, believe me when I say that. But…," Shepard sighed before continuing, his voice low, "You do things to 'fit in', so to speak. Things that I'm not proud of. Things I regret every single day."
Tali nodded. She didn't want to pry too much into what he'd done. She could see in Shepard's face what he meant. "I believe you, Shepard," she said quietly.
Shepard grinned slightly before continuing. "That's why I joined the Alliance. I wanted to get away from that life. I wanted to explore the galaxy. I wanted to make something of myself, make something of my life. Get out of the rut of existence I was experiencing on Earth. But I also wanted to meet all the different races out there, the different cultures, experience something completely different to that which I had on Earth. It was intriguing. I find it fascinating. It's why I'm always asking you questions about quarians. It's a completely different way of life to one on Earth."
Tali grinned behind her mask at that. This was more like the Shepard she knew. She could hear the passion in his voice once again.
"Once I was away from Earth, I left that life behind. Tried to forget about it. Effectively had, until Finch showed up. That just brought back a lot of bad memories. That part of my life, it's not something I'm proud of. I've become a better man since that time."
Tali sat there quietly for a moment, trying to figure out how to phrase the next question. She was left with the feeling of sadness. It was something she noticed at times like this. It vibrated off him. How could he realise he wasn't alone?
"Shepard, has there ever been anyone… close? I mean, I now know you don't have a family. But has there ever been... anyone else?"
"What do you mean? Like a wife or girlfriends?"
Tali nodded.
"Not really. Once I joined the Alliance, I simply haven't had the time or inclination to bother pursuing a relationship. Fraternization within the Alliance service is frowned upon. Any relationships that do start up come under pressure from up top, either breaking up the couple or forcing one of them out if they refuse to split. And there's no point starting a relationship with anyone outside the service. You only have to talk to Anderson about his history of relationships to see how that ends. Relationships or marriage as an Alliance officer, particularly if your partner is back on Earth… it's just impossible for it work. I can count on one hand how many times I've been back to Earth since I joined up. Sure, there was the occasional girl, but they were nothing but flings. No-one special. And no-one I've let get close. Certainly not fallen in love with anyone. I'm simply better off being alone."
Tali scooted her chair closer to Shepard, and took hold of his hands. "Shepard, you're not alone as you think. I'm here for you. Everyone on this ship is here for you."
Shepard looked down and spoke quietly. "Everyone leaves in the end, Tali. I've lost count of the number of people, friends, I've watched die. Or simply leave. Even friendships are impossible at times. I don't think I've spent more than six months in one place in the past ten years."
Shepard looked back up at Tali. "And you're going to leave in the end, too."
Tali reached up and caressed his cheek. "I'll always be your friend, Shepard. No matter what."
I want more than that…
Shepard gave a small smile. "That's one thing about you, Tali. You make me feel… comfortable… It's not the best word there is to describe how I feel. But I really enjoy our talks. And I'm glad you're here now."
"Why?" asked Tali.
He gave a small smile again. "You're the first person I've ever shared all this with. Not just this, but about other parts of my past as well. No-one knows a lot, if anything, about my background. Even Anderson only knows the absolute basics. He's never really pried.
But, after everything I've just shared, I'm left with the feeling that after telling you all this, your opinion of me won't change. And that you won't tell anyone. I know we're completely different people, from different backgrounds and cultures. Our upbringing was at the opposite spectrum. But, I don't know, I just find you easy to talk to. To share all this with you. And I trust you, Tali. Completely. And that's a big thing for me. Trust. I can count on one hand how many people I would trust any of this with."
Tali grinned behind her mask. "Of course not, Shepard. Who am I to judge you? But… I…" Tali paused, trying of something to say. She kept it simple. "Thank you, Shepard," she said softly, "For your honesty. And your trust. And, I promise, this is just between you and me."
Shepard just nodded but also grinned slightly. "Guess I needed to get all of this off my chest eventually. And I couldn't think of anyone better to share with. Thank you, Tali. For listening."
The pair sat there in silence for a moment. "Okay, Shepard, it's late and I should go to bed. Lots of work tomorrow."
Shepard just nodded and the pair stood up and walked towards the door. Shepard opened the door, but before letting Tali out of the room, he grabbed her by the hand and pulled her in close for a hug. Tali responded by wrapping her arms around him in return.
Keelah, I could get used to this. To feel his arms around me.
"Thanks again, for listening, Tali," he whispered, "It means more than you can imagine."
Tali could only nod her head while it rested on his chest. Shepard eventually let her go, and with a final nod of the head and expressions of goodnight, she walked out of his room and to her pod. She felt slightly better about things as she stepped into it.
She remembered having a smile on her face as she eventually went to sleep.