The silence persisted several minutes and Snape was getting nervous. He knocked gently on his bathroom door and waited for a reaction. Nothing. His fingers ran tentatively over the doorknob.
"Is everything all right," he asked gently, his eyes fixed on the door. There was no answer. Snape shook his head and mocked himself. What a stupid question. Of course, she was not fine. Miss Abbott had slept half an hour. Then she woke up, with a strong urge to vomit. Now she was still in his bathroom. Snape did not care that she had vomited several times. No, but the peace worried him, which followed Julie's suffering. His hand approached the doorknob again before he lowered it once more. He could not just go to the bathroom when she was in there. Snape leaned his forehead against the door, closed his eyes and waited.
"Miss Abbott, are you okay?" He asked in a new attempt to get a response from her.
A frustrated sigh escaped his thin lips and his fingers ran again over the doorknob. Perhaps she needed this moment of peace? Maybe he should not have brought her home? Did she feel uncomfortable in his house? Or maybe she wanted to just be alone for a moment? Snape wondered what he would do if he were in her situation. He would seek solitude - what Miss Abbott apparently did. She would tell him if she needed help, right? Snape pressed his lips into a thin line. Would she ask him for help when she needed it? Again he played with the idea to go into the bathroom. His fingers traced small circles on the doorknob until he lowered his hand again.
His body tensed and he opened his eyes abruptly. She cried. Now he heard it clearly. He knocked again softly at the door before opening it slowly. Carefully, he poked his head into the bathroom. When he saw her cowering on the floor before his bathtub, he came in and went to her. Julie had pulled her knees up against her body, her arms rested on her knees and her face was buried in them. Snape knelt down and put his hands gently on her shoulders. She did not respond and continued to cry. He pulled her close to him and hugged her. What could he do otherwise? Every word that came to his mind seemed to be stupid and inappropriate. After a moment of uncertainty had elapsed, Julie moved her arms, which had clutched her legs and wrapped them around Snape's torso.
He could not say how long they sat there, but at some point she stopped crying. Since Julie apparently did not intend to end their embrace, Snape remained seated in the same position. His posture tensed briefly when Julie nuzzled her head against his chest. Oh, it felt so good. What was he doing here, Snape wondered. The right thing, answered his heart, while his hateful inner voice screamed that he made a fool of himself. Julie would never reciprocate his feelings. Snape growled, upset about these thoughts, startling thus even himself. Miss Abbott flinched and loosened her grip immediately. Fool, Snape thought as he slowly let go of her.
"I'm sorry," she murmured softly, looking down in shame.
Her cheeks were heavily blushed and still wet from the tears which she had shed.
Snape immediately shook his head.
"You do not have to apologize," he said, looking at her searchingly. "I'm not angry with you," he said to reassure her.
"Oh, I thought I'm disturbing you," she said almost inaudibly, glancing up at him.
Disturb him, Snape thought incredulously. If Miss Abbott knew ...
"You do not disturb me," he said. "Shall we go back into the living room," Snape asked to change the subject.
It worked and Julie nodded. He stood up and offered her his hands. She put her hands in his and Snape stilled for a moment and looked at them. Her hands were petite, with long slender fingers, where he discovered two small white scars. Probably she had burned them on a cauldron, suspected Snape. He slowly pulled her up, which was relatively easy for her petite figure. Snape pushed away all doubts and wrapped his arm around Julie's waist to steady her. Together they went back to his living room, where she made herself comfortable in his armchair. Then he moved a chair closer to her and sat down.
Julie sighed loudly and leaned her head back exhausted, while she looked at him.
"Thank you," she said, blushing slightly. "I'm sorry, that I bring problems along."
Her speech was slurred and Snape eyed her closely, to detect any changes.
"You don't make me problems, on the contrary, you solve my problems," he said.
Julie frowned and looked at him confused. She made no reply and Snape was sure that she had not understood his hint. How could she? Miss Abbott certainly could not imagine in her wildest dreams that Snape .. oh, this word was intimidating. Four letters, one syllable, yet a word with such a deep significance, so powerful and yet so beautiful. A meaning which Snape got to know only now, with countless facets, colors, intensities ... love. His shoulders slumped and he released the breath which he had unconsciously held. That was it and it had been easier than he had imagined. She did not know that he loved her.
"I feel numb," Julie said hoarsely and pulled him thus out of his thoughts.
"I know," he replied softly.
To his surprise, Julie put her hand on his, which was resting on the armrest. She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again. Then her gaze wandered through the living room.
As if he could read her mind, Snape said, "This is my home."
Julie looked at him in surprise and Snape quickly added, "I thought after what happened today, you need a healthy distance."
She looked at their hands and squeezed his gently. Julie had never felt so understood, as at this moment.
"You always know what I need," she said thoughtfully, while her melancholic gaze rested on their hands.
Snape's heart was pounding in his chest as she squeezed his hand gently. He desperately searched for the right words, but he did not find them. Instead of saying anything, he turned his hand and cupped her hand. His thumb gently stroked the back of her hand, while both gazed at her clasped hands and remained silent. Julie did not withdrew her hand. Instead, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Snape continued to stroke her hand until her breathing became quiet and he understood that she had fallen asleep.
He let go of her hand and buried his face in his hands. What had he done? Of course she had touched him first. But her touch was innocent. She wanted to express her gratitude and probably could not find the right words. Just as he. Snape looked up at her and sighed with relief. Yes, she would not misunderstand his gesture.
His thoughts returned to Hogsmeade. He had never imagined that this could happen to her. Why not, he wondered. Of course, Julie was not as famous as he, but Snape knew that reporters were always sensation-seeking. And Julie's story would earn money. A lot of money. Why had he previously not considered this possibility? Probably because Julie's story was not known to the public, such as his. Today every wizard and witch in the world knew the name Severus Snape. But hardly anyone had heard of Julie Abbott. Snape wondered why this was the case. Serious violations of the rules were always made known worldwide. And this violation had repeatedly taken place at a prestigious magic school. So why, he had never heard of her before? He looked questioningly at Julie, as he considered different reasons. Of course, he thought, Julie was underage. The identity of minors was protected, if by doing so, others would not be harmed.
Snape's expression darkened when he thought of Albus. He knew Julie's case. Had Dumbledore known about this danger? Snape's jaw tightened dangerously and he glared into the empty fireplace. Had Dumbledore known? He tapped his foot angrily on the floor while he was sure that he already knew the answer. After he had brooded for some time over his dark thoughts, he took a deep breath and tried to think positively. All this negativity bugged him. Previously, he had not cared. But the delicate creature which slept beside him in his armchair reminded him forcibly that she was here because of him. Because he had been so vengeful. Snape disliked the word. He would like to erase it from his vocabulary. He leaned back and closed his eyes. Snape listened to her quiet breathing and it was not long until he fell asleep.
Startled, he sat up in his chair and looked around. Snape sank back relieved when he saw Poppy, which gazed at him seriously.
"Severus, I said that you should keep an eye on Julie," she said sternly. "A concussion isn't something you should take lightly. She has to be monitored," Poppy stressed the severity of the situation.
Snape looked at Julie, who was still asleep and nodded guiltily.
"I do not know what came over me," he said softly. "I was suddenly very relaxed and must have fallen asleep."
Poppy nodded and looked at Julie.
"We have to bring her back to Hogwarts. Albus says .."
"Yes, yes," interrupted Snape, sounding annoyed. "Albus always knows everything better," he growled.
Poppy gazed at Severus amused. There was again the spite-headed boy, who sometimes came to light in Snape.
"Shall we wake Julie, or do we take her as she is," Poppy asked almost casually.
Snape looked at her surprised.
"Of course we will wake her," he said, as if it were self-evident.
Poppy smiled and nodded in agreement. She had expected that Severus would carry Miss Abbott, bridal-style, she thought, grinning dreamily. But no, Severus would wake her. Pity, mused Poppy. Well, maybe another time.
Julie moaned when she woke up. Slowly, she moved her body and stretched her limbs. Soft and warm ... she lay in bed. She opened her eyes surprised and looked around. Madam Pomfrey was standing next to her bed and smiled friendly.
"Good morning," she said joyfully.
Slowly Julie sat up and ran her fingers through her tousled hair.
"Good morning. I thought I was in Professor Snape's house," she said confused, when she realized that she was in the hospital wing.
"That's right. But in the late afternoon, Severus woke you up and brought you back to Hogwarts," replied Poppy.
Julie looked at her incredulously.
"He woke me up? I have no memories of it," she said, puzzled.
Poppy handed her a glass with a magic potion and motioned her to to take it and drink.
"That's understandable. You were very confused and not really responsive. It was high time that you came to me," said Poppy, looking satisfied as Julie drank the potion.
Julie grimaced. "That's disgusting," she commented on the taste of the potion.
Poppy chuckled and took the glass back.
"It will help you," she said and turned to go.
Julie fell exhausted in the pillow and closed her eyes. She felt her heartbeat slow down. She had not noticed that it had been racing. A warm feeling spread in her limbs and Julie sighed softly when her headache eased. Whatever Madam Pomfrey had given her, was good. A smile appeared on her lips as she relaxed completely.
Snape strode down the hall, towards the large doors of the hospital wing. Poppy had convinced him last night to get some sleep. He had not intended to leave Julie alone. But the few hours of sleep which he had found, had been very relaxing. Snape thought back to his thoughts of the previous day. It was not good to look to deeply into the past. It would only bring more difficulties and exacerbate the problems that already existed. Julie had to leave her past behind. But how could he explain that? He stopped and opened the door. Poppy wasn't there and he walked slowly toward Julie's bed. Surprised, he stopped and admired the blissful smile on her lips. She looked so beautiful when her hair was disheveled. Snape fought the urge to lean forward, kiss her brow and bury his fingers in her hair to ruffle it. Instead, he cleared his throat. Snape knew that she was awake.
Julie opened her eyes slowly and smiled at him.
"Good morning," said Snape, while his face bore a neutral expression.
"Good morning, Professor Snape," replied Julie.
Snape frowned inwardly. Did she have to remind him with her first words of the fact, that he was her teacher? He tried to hide his displeasure and turned to pick up a chair. He placed it next to her bed, where he sat down.
"Do you feel better," he asked in a voice as stiff as his posture.
Julie nodded slowly and gently touched the bump on her forehead.
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey was here and has given me a potion. I have to say that I feel much better now."
Snape nodded. That had been his emergency potion, which he had brought Poppy at night, in the event that Julie would wake up in his absence. So she had slept through the whole night, he thought with satisfaction.
"I'm glad to hear that," replied Snape. "As you've learned from yesterday's experience, our past will catch up with us again and again - often when we least expect it."
Julie's expression darkened, while she looked at him through her doubting eyes.
"Since we have no control over such events, it is better if we are well prepared for them," Snape continued, eyeing her closely.
Julie frowned and she looked at him quizzically.
"How can I prepare myself for something like that," she said.
"Um," Snape struggled for words and rubbed his forehead nervously. Why was it so hard to talk about this? Because he himself had not yet managed it, answered his nasty inner voice. Snape suppressed this thought, swallowing hard. Now he would not only preach to Julie, but also to himself.
"In order to be prepared for a situation like yesterday's, you have to complete with your past. You can not change your past. But you can decide what to do with your life, with your future. First you have to learn to accept that that what happened in your past is irrevocable. You can not change it. Do not dwell in the past, it will bring you all the more suffering and pain. Accept your past. And more importantly, leave it behind. It's over. It's a part of your life, which will not be repeated again."
"Then, you have to understand that you decide about your future and no one else. You decide whether you are suffering, or whether you're happy. You alone can decide on the course of your future. Because you are responsible for your life. You make the decisions. You're the one who either turns to happiness, or suffering. It's your decision alone. And you're strong. Do you remember when I have asked you, what your strengths are? At that time, you could not see your real strengths. Let me tell you that you are strong. Strength means, among other things, that one confronts his problems."
Snape raised his hand to silence Julie, when she wanted to object. "Your decision to continue your education, is a sign that you face your problems. You are declaring war on them. That is courageous of you, especially, because you're still young. I know wizards, which have never dared to do this. They spend their lives running away from something, what someday, will catch up with them anyway. I am one of them," Snape admitted, suddenly looking vulnerable.
"You have courage. To do so requires a lot of mental strength, which you, despite all what you have lived through, still have. Despite the events which have happened, you're still kind. You are kind to others and, in spite of the pain, which you carry in you, you often smile at other. You are a strong person. I have not achieved, what you have achieved. I'm the grumpy professor who is disappointed with his life. I am the grumpy professor, who vent his anger on his students. I have caused them suffering. And I have enjoyed it. But despite the apparent satisfaction which I felt when I did this, it has never changed the fact that I suffered. Every moment of my life was a torment. I allowed the darkness to grow in my soul. I have allowed it to control me. I was never happy with myself and I had given up hope that ever anything in my life would really change for the better."
"You strive to be friendly. You try to spare other people suffering. Despite the darkness, which had invaded you, you accepted every opportunity I offered you to escape it. Sometimes you have hesitated, but what matters is your final decision. You tried to oppose its power. You've consciously decided to share your memories with me and thus to experience sorrow, misery and pain. You decided to go back to be relieved of your suffering."
"I have not done that. I've always run away from it. Your path to freedom has brought you back to your past, while my path to freedom, leads me into my future. I am grateful to you that you came, because I learned so much through you. And I'm still learning. Every day is bringing me new insights. Every day makes the darkness in me slowly disappear, so that the light has the opportunity to become brighter. And it does. The burden, which has been lying for many years on me, gave way to the joy which you have brought me."
"If you don't want to end up like me, then you have to look forward now. Leave your past behind and strive for what may come. Whatever it may be, it will be better than anything you've ever experienced. You are young and have an incredible talent for potions. Your future could be bright, if you allow it. And therefore, you have to let go of your past. You have to want it. Currently you stick with both hands tightly to your past. Why? It brings nothing good. Let it go. For you will need empty hands when you start something new. Let your past go and thus create opportunities to learn something new and to grow internally. That's what you deserve."
Snape paused and looked at Julie, hoping that she would understand.
Julie stared at him wide eyed and swallowed before nodding slowly.
"I know that you're right. But it is easier said than done. If you are with me, then everything seems to be much easier," she said honestly, trying to suppress the tears that welled up in her eyes. "But when I'm alone, my courage fades and with it the desire to fight." Julie sighed and looked at him doubtfully.
Snape was speechless and wondered if he had heard correctly.
"Professor Snape, if I do what you suggest, if I let go of my past, would you then promise me something in return," Julie asked, expecting his answer nervously. She hoped that he would agree, but a part of her was afraid that he would do exactly that.
Snape looked at her in surprise and nodded quickly. That was what he wanted. He wanted her to move on with her life. How would she otherwise be happy? And he would do anything that Julie made this move. No matter how much it would cost.
"Yes, of course," he said with determination.
Julie sat up slowly and turned to him. A lone tear rolled down her cheek as she looked at him seriously. After all, what he had done for her, she wanted that he would be happy, too. Any other agreement than this was out of the question for Julie.
"You agree, you promise" she said emphatically.
Snape nodded again and looked at her expectantly.
"Well, then we have a deal," said Julie and grinned at him.
Snape raised his eyebrow. "You will strive to look to the future and not to look back," he asked incredulously. He had not expected that it would be so easy to convince her.
Julie swallowed and nodded. "Yes, I promise," she replied. "But you have to keep your promise," she reminded him.
Snape shifted nervously in his chair. What had she actually demanded, he wondered. Had she ever told him? He could not say.
"What is my part of the bargain," he asked, slightly hesitant.
Julie looked at him and seemed to study his expression before she spoke. Could she see his uncertainty? Did she know how quickly his heart raced at this moment? His hands were sweaty and he suddenly felt unwell. What he had gotten himself into?
"You said recently that you too, would let your happiness pass you by, without ever taking your chance to experience it. I will not see that happen," she said firmly. "You have to reach for your happiness and once you hold it, you must never let go of it. That's all I ask."
She paused, her jaw was tense as she eyed him closely. Julie noticed the panic, which appeared in his features.
Snape looked at Julie in horror and seemed to be paler than he already was. With great effort he swallowed the lump in his throat, what seemed almost painful, before he spoke.
"I can't do that without you."