Chapter Twenty-One:

Robin laughed as she enjoyed her dinner with Mark. He was charming and handsome and it was so nice to be with someone who didn't know anything about her past.

"So tell me why you chose cardiology?" she asked as she sat back in the bed and exhaled. She was exhausted, but she wanted to know more about him.

He moved the food and sat on the chair next to the bed.

"To be honest? I think because I felt like I had so little control over matters of love, I decided I could somehow master the heart in scientific ways," he grinned.

"And how did that work out for you?" Robin asked with a smile.

He blushed and hen looked at his hands.

"In some ways it was awesome, others, not so much."

"Yeah, I hear you," she said.

"You said you wanted to be closer to your mom and sister, but is that the only reason you moved here?" Robin pushed a little.

"No, not really," he said and his eyes grew a little wet. "You know what? I think maybe I should let you rest."

Robin sat up more and reached to his hand.

"No, please talk to me. I know we don't know much about each other, but I would really like to focus on something other than my own sucky life. Maybe I can help you?"

"So you want details on my sucky life?" Mark smiled as he rubbed his eyes.

"Well if you put it that way, it sounds weird, but I'm a great listener."

He nodded and took a minute before he continued.

"I told you my son Aaron is HIV positive, right?"

Robin nodded.

"Well, I wasn't totally honest about that. He has been dealing with secondary infections and we are afraid he is showing signs of lymphoma," he said and his chin quivered.

"He is developing AIDS?" Robin asked brokenly.

Mark took a deep breath and looked at her.

"We came here so he could be admitted to the Stone Cates Ward. It's our last chance to try and help him. He is with my mom tonight and tomorrow we are going to be moving him into the pediatric AIDS wing."

"Oh, Mark, I'm so sorry," Robin said. "I can't imagine what it's been like for you."

"Aaron has been a fighter his whole life. He was born HIV positive and he has never been one to feel sorry for himself. He has faced so much in his young life and I just want him to be healthy. I would give anything to take this from him."

Robin thought of her worry while carrying Emma and she couldn't stop thanking her lucky stars that she was born healthy.

"Is Aaron's mother involved?"

Mark smiled at her.

"Is that your way of asking if I'm single?"

Robin blushed.

"Well, I kind of figured you were, or you would be a dog, spending time with me like this. But I guess since you thought I was married, I can't really judge."

He nodded and chuckled.

"I've never been married. Aaron's mom was a woman I met in college. We had a thing for a while and after graduation, we separated. I went into med school and she went to start a life somewhere else. About 10 years ago, she showed up at my door, and one thing led to another and well, we conceived Aaron. I didn't know it because she left in the morning, but 9 months later, I got a call from her saying she was sorry, but I needed to come to the hospital because she needed me. I went and there was this tiny little baby there she said was mine."

"You had no idea?" Robin asked, stunned.

He ran his hand through his hair and smiled.

"I hadn't seen her since that one night, but it was obvious he was mine. He looked just like me," Mark looked at Robin and she could see the adoration in his face. "After I showed up at the hospital, she left and I never saw her again. She just abandoned him."

"She just left him with you?"

He nodded.

"We ran a paternity test to be sure, and it was positive. He was my son. He was also HIV positive. Jane, that was her name, had apparently started using drugs and she contracted HIV while she was pregnant with Aaron. She never had any treatment or meds and she died when he was a year old."

"From AIDS?"

Mark shook his head.

"No. Overdose. They found her in a drug den and it was too late to do anything."

Robin was stunned. His story was so heart wrenching and so tragic. She knew, as Mark probably did, that if Jane had gotten proper medical treatment while pregnant, Aaron may have had a better chance at being negative.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you to watch your son struggle with this disease."

"Aaron is an amazing boy. He never feels sorry for himself and he is so kind and compassionate. He loves race cars and hockey and he is incredibly smart. I am so lucky to have him as my son."

Robin smiled and nodded.

"He is lucky to have you and I bet there is someone in the Stone Cates wing who can help you both."

"Well, we'll see. I just want to give him every possible chance I can."

"I agree," Robin smiled. "I wanted to tell you something, too. Stone Cates, the man the clinic is named for, was my first love. He died of AIDS and he was an amazing young man."

"He was your boyfriend?" Mark smiled.

"He was."

"Is that how you became HIV positive?"

"Yes," Robin said softly.

Mark sat down and took her hand in his.

"Thank you for listening and for being so amazing. I really appreciate it," he said sincerely.

Robin looked at her hand in his and felt incredibly sad. She knew at once, why.

"You're an amazing man, Mark. I can't wait to meet Aaron."

He stood up and looked at her, wanting to kiss her, but reading her signals that she wasn't ready. He smiled and nodded.

"I want you to meet him, too. I'll let you sleep now. Can I stop by again?"

"I would like that," she smiled and watched him leave.

Her mind was a whirl of emotions and she was angry. She wanted to be able to enjoy the company of another man. She wanted to look at Mark and see possibilities. She wanted to be able to move on.

The problem was Patrick.

All she did was think of Patrick. She felt like she was betraying him and their vows. She felt like he would be hurt. She worried Emma would hate her.

Mostly, she was in love with Patrick, and she simply couldn't move on until she found a way to let him go.

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Patrick dropped Emma off at school the next morning and made his way to see Robin. He had been up most of the night, and he decided to try another approach.

He was going to be honest and tell her what he was thinking. He wondered if it would make a difference or if he simply hurt her too badly to ever go back.

When he got to her room, he saw it was empty and he felt his whole body break out into a sweat.

What if something had happened?

"Excuse me," he asked at the nurses station. "Where is Dr Scorpio Drake?"

The nurse smiled at Patrick.

"She checked herself out last night against orders and went home."

He thanked her and left, making his way to her apartment. He had the address because of Emma, and although he respected her privacy, he felt it was time to pay her a visit.

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Robin sat on the floor of her bedroom in her towel and tried to stop the room from spinning. She knew it was dumb, taking a shower after leaving the hospital against orders.

She was just a mess and she needed to be home. She needed to feel safe and being in the open just made her feel vulnerable and scared.

The problem was, she wasn't safe. She was also not okay. She needed to see a therapist and she knew that. She needed to let go of the hurt and betrayal she felt, but she didn't know how.

She wanted to get up and get dressed, but her energy was gone and she was afraid to get up. She shivered and her wet hair wasn't helping.

Maybe she should just give up and let whatever happens, happen. It sure as hell would be easier than this day to day struggle. She lay on the floor and knew she would always fight because of Emma. She just needed a minute to be mad. She just wanted someone to yell at. She just wanted to go back in time.

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Patrick knocked on the door to Robin's apartment and waited, leaning on his crutches. He called her, but she didn't answer and he hoped she was asleep. He knocked again and got a little worried. He tried the door and it was unlocked, something he knew wasn't right.

He rushed in, dropping his crutches and calling to her.

"Robin? Robin are you here?"

He didn't hear anything and he ran to the bedroom, seeing Emma's room first and then moving down the hall to the master bedroom. He rushed in and saw her on the floor, a towel around her naked body.

"Robin? Hey, Robin?" he ignored the pain in his knee and got on the floor, holding her hand and checking her pulse. She felt ice cold to the touch and his panic grew.

He got up and gathered her in his arms, placing her on the bed and grabbing the blanket which was folded on the side. He covered her and rubbed her arm that wasn't wrapped.

She began to come around and her eyes opened slowly.

"Robin? It's Patrick," he said softly. "Can you talk to me?"

"Where am I? How did you get in here?"

He saw her body shaking and he ached to hold her.

"I came to talk to you and the door was unlocked. I got worried and then I found you on the floor. I think you need to be back in the hospital."

"No," she said as her teeth chattered. "Please leave so I can change."

"Robin, let me help you," he said as his voice caught in his throat.

"No. I don't want you to help me. I want you to leave me alone."

"I can't do that. I need you to let me in. I need to be able to fix this," he said brokenly.

"No, just leave, please!" she said and began to cry.

"I can't. I can't take this. I love you and I want to help you," he went to touch her hand and she moved like he stung her.

"No! You don't get to do this. You are why I'm so broken! You did this to me, Patrick. You made me fall in love with you and trust you and want you and as much as I try, I can't be with someone else. I can't stop wanting my life back and I don't know how to get there because what I want doesn't exist. I need for you to let me go."

"No. I didn't make you do anything. You left me and Emma and I moved on because I couldn't breathe without you. I wanted you to choose me and you didn't. I wanted you to see how fucked up my life was without you and I didn't know how to make you want me. I didn't know how to be enough for you."

"So sleeping with someone else helped you?"

He sighed and put his head in his hands.

"No, but I needed someone to want me. I needed to be important to someone and I can't take it back. I wasn't doing it to hurt you. I just needed to stop wanting you. I don't know what else to tell you. I know you want me to take 100% of the blame here, but you don't understand what your leaving did to me!" he stood up and went to walk when he fell to the ground as his knee gave way.

She jumped to help him and held her towel to her.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she saw the pain on his face.

"I'm fine. I'm fucking perfect," he said bitingly.

She stood up and went back to her bed, sitting down and closing her eyes, her shoulder throbbing.

"I didn't leave you. I was held against my will for two years and then had to try and help my friend. I was held again and tried every moment to get home to you and Emma. If you were so broken by being without me, I don't know how you could be with two other women. I just don't understand that, Patrick. When I think of making love with you, it's so intimate and beautiful and a part of me I wanted to share with you, and nobody else. To know you can just have that with other women, it just makes me feel like I was far more into you than you ever were to me."

He got up slowly and moved to sit on the bed next to her. She didn't have any other furniture yet and he hoped she wouldn't throw him out.

"I have had sex with a lot of women, you know that. I have never looked at sex the way you have and I don't put the level of importance on it that you are thinking. I didn't make love to anyone else. I had sex because it's what I do. I never looked at it like you are."

"That's bullshit. We have been together for almost nine years. You aren't that man anymore and what we had together was deep and personal. You know me; better than anyone has ever known me and you were fully aware of how it would hurt me to be with someone else. Stop being a victim in this. You made choices and so did I. That's all there is to it."

"You are infuriating!" he yelled at her. "What can I do to get through to you? How do I break through those walls and make you see that I'm here and I'm sorry."

She went to respond when she felt sick to her stomach. He saw her face and he knew immediately she needed a garbage.

"Move!" she cried and ran to the bathroom. He felt his heart break as she got sick and he knew how much pain she must be in. She should still be in the hospital and not arguing with him like this.

He watched as she walked out and she looked as white as a ghost.

"Do you have anything for nausea?"

"Patrick, please leave. I can't handle this anymore. I don't have any more energy."

"I know. I'm sorry. Please just let me help you get settled and then I'll go. Forget everything else, just let me be someone who cares about you."

"No. I need you to go. I'm okay and I'll be fine."

He sighed and nodded.

"I'm going to wait in the family room until you are settled. I will leave as soon as you are okay to be alone."

She nodded.

"Fine. Thank you."

He took his crutch and made his way to the family room where he sat and waited.

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Robin put her tank top on over her bandaged shoulder and moved it so her arm went through. She put on her yoga pants and looked at her bed.

She needed to use the bed.

It was ridiculous to continue to sleep on the floor.

She took a deep breath and climbed into her bed, hoping Patrick had left. She lay down and closed her eyes, sleep coming quickly.

Her mind flashed the images of her captivity. She was tortured and touched and she was so alone. They did things to her that she couldn't bring herself to admit. She had to get out of the bed. She couldn't be there. She couldn't do it.

Patrick heard her scream and he rushed to the room, seeing her on the floor in the corner, clutching the blanket.

"Hey, what happened? Robin?" he sat down and saw she wasn't looking at him.

"I tried. I will do better next time. I need you to let go of me," she said haltingly and he knew she was reliving something. "You know I'm HIV positive. You don't care? How can you not care?"

"Robin? Please try to focus on me," he said, his tears falling at her anguish.

"Don't touch me. Please," she cried. "No, my husband is the only one who can touch me. I don't believe you. He wouldn't divorce me. He wouldn't want you to hurt me. No he didn't tell you he didn't care. I know he didn't. Oh, please don't," she cried and Patrick felt sick to his stomach.

What was done to her?

Was she raped?

"Robin?" he said brokenly.

She blinked and finally looked at him, seeing him.

"Oh, God," she said and fell into his arms.

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