Fish Tale 2.0: This is Letting Go
Chapter Twenty: Guilt
I know you're tired of loving, of loving
With nobody to love, nobody, nobody
Just grab somebody, no leaving this party
With nobody to love, nobody, nobody
- Kanye West (ft. Charlie Wilson
(Bound 2)
December 2013
"What are you doing here?" Joe's voice was a monotone, sounding so unlike himself. Zach felt as though all of his muscles had locked into place. He was frozen from his head to his toes. He had never expected to see this man again— he thought he was done with him.
The only good thing about their meeting was that Joe obviously hadn't expected him either. They were, for once, on a level playing field. Joe couldn't play mind games when he hadn't time to prepare for them. He couldn't speak in the sarcastic, condescending tone he had taken to using around his god son.
"I—I—" the stutter came without Zach's permission. He couldn't remember the last time he had stuttered. Zach didn't stutter. Except, apparently, when it came to Joe.
"Yes?" Joe said, sounding rather impatient.
He wore a heavy woolen coat with a thin grey t-shirt underneath. His jeans were dark and faded and a pair of designer shoes fit snugly on his feet. The way he was dressed made Zach believe that his godfather was doing well for himself.
"My friend," Zach managed to say. "He died."
Joe raised an eyebrow. "And?"
His godfather's uncaring nonchalant attitude was irritating Zach. It wasn't fair of him to act so indifferent and blasé.
Zach's eyes narrowed.
"And I think you had something to do with it."
"What a ridiculous accusation. I don't even know any of your friends."
"I'm in the army," Zach replied. "Special ops."
Joe's face suddenly turned white, as though a ghost had swept in and taken over his body. "Oh."
Zach's glare was hard. He could tell be Joe's reaction that Kyle's death had had something to do with him. "I didn't know."
"Really? My girlfriend didn't tell you?"
"Girlfriend?" Joe asked. "Oh you mean Cameron. I was under the impression you two weren't involved anymore."
"Well we are," Zach snapped. "You knew I was in the army, don't play dumb."
"I was not aware you joined special ops," Joe said truthfully.
"It doesn't matter. I know you knew. You always know."
"I'm not god Zach," he said. "I don't know everything."
"I can't do this," Zach said, moving towards the door. "I just— can't. You did this, I know you did, his death had your name written all over it. Just like Freya's and Leo's did. It's sick, you're sick."
Joe felt a rush of guilt rocket through his body. He hated the feeling and wanted to squash it. But he couldn't. He never could when it came to Zach.
"Zach," Joe said in a low voice.
Zach suddenly whirled on him, looking at him with absolutely livid eyes. "Why now?" he snapped. "I hadn't heard from you in years, not anything besides you in some ridiculous disguise for about thirty seconds. I hadn't heard your name in years. And I liked it that way. And then my girlfriend is going to see you, your burning down Leo and Freya house, and now you've killed my best friend. What is it you want Joe? Why can't you just stay out of my life?"
"It was an accident," Joe murmured quietly, knowing his words were a waste of breath. Zach would never believe him.
"Bullshit," Zach said. "I hate you," he snarled. "I hate you so goddamn much. And I want nothing more for you to leave me the hell alone. You've done it before so I know you can do it again. Pretend I'm dead for all I care. That's what I've always done where you're concerned."
The words felt like knives in Joe's stomach but he didn't flinch, he didn't even move.
"I didn't mean t—"
"Don't," Zach interrupted harshly. "Just don't. I don't want to hear it. Any of it."
"Just listen—"
"And stay away from Cammie," Zach snapped, refusing to listen to Joe anymore. His initial shock and worn off and all he wanted was to get back to Virginia with his family. His real family. "If I hear you so much as looked at her again I will make damn sure that you get what's been coming to you all these years. You're going down Joe, and I'm not going to help protect you anymore." Zach's words were laced with such venom and malice Joe had no other choice but to believe him.
Then without another look at his godfather, Zach shoved past him and stormed out the door. Joe turned around and watched him go, feeling as though he was swallowing broken glass. Zach didn't look back, and Joe continued to look until he couldn't see Zach anymore. Joe hadn't felt this empty in a long time. Not since Zach had found out, about his true nature that is.
The guilt was growing, as it had been for many years. Joe swallowed the lump in his throat knowing he wouldn't change. He was inherently evil; he could only thank god that Zach hadn't turned out the same way.
:*:*:*:
"Jace knows about Cassie," Will said to his wife and Cammie as they sat around the living room of their apartment.
Cammie looked up from Jason's face. "You told him?"
Will shook his head at her accusation. "No, but he knows."
"How did he find out?" Cammie asked.
"Wait," Viney interrupted. "What about Cassie?"
"She's back," Cammie said with slight malice in her voice.
"Like for good?"
Cammie shrugged. "I have no idea. For the holidays I'm sure. Hopefully then she'll get her slu—" she broke off and glanced at the toddler in her arms. "provocative tushy out of here."
"She isn't that bad Cammie," Viney said, almost chidingly.
"She broke his heart Vin," Cammie replied.
Will cut in, saying what he knew Viney was thinking. "So did you Camster."
The look Cammie sent him was dark. "That's different and you know it."
"Not that different," Viney said. "You can't hate her forever just because Jace was a little broken up after she dumped him. It's the cycle of life. People break up, people get hurt. You can't protect him from everyone."
Cammie looked like she wanted to argue, but for whatever reason she didn't. Instead she said, "If you didn't tell him, how did he find out?"
"I don't know for sure, but he was acting very sarcastic and un-Jace like. He was pretty rude actually."
"Are you sure you didn't deserve it?" Viney asked, knowing how Will could be.
Will sent his wife a dirty look. "Yes I'm sure. It was about Cassie, I'm absolutely sure of it."
"I hope he's okay," Cammie said quietly, looking at the little boy in her arms, who shared the same name as the boy they were speaking about. She hoped that Jason would never have to deal with heartbreak the way Jason had, that would simply be too sad to bear.
"Of course he's ok," Viney said to Cammie, almost consolingly. "He's Jace."
:*:*:*:*:
Zach sat on the bench outside the train station by himself, holding his coat around him in an attempt to keep the cold out. He could see his breath in the air, his cheeks flushed from the cold.
He had sat patiently, waiting to be picked up.
When she got there she had a bemused, curious, slightly annoyed expression on her flawless face, her dark hair falling thickly around her shoulders.
"Couldn't you have called your girlfriend to come and pick you up?" Macey asked as she approached, sitting down on the bench beside him.
"She would ask me what was wrong," Zach said, knowing his eyes were red from crying. He didn't cry, but seeing Joe and thinking about Kyle had brought him out of it. Cammie would prod him about it, and he knew she did it out of love but he couldn't handle that right now.
"Jesus," Macey said. "You look like hell."
Zach nodded. "I know."
"Why did you go to New York anyway?" Macey asked.
"To see an old friend," he answered distantly.
"Oh?" Macey wondering, seeing if he would tell her anymore.
He sighed, "it didn't end well."
"Not a good old friend then?"
"You're very nosy."
"I was just seeing how much you'd tell me. You used to be a very secretive person."
He smirked at her, but somehow it was only half-heartedly. "How do you know I've changed?"
She shrugged. "You used to be more secretive," she amended. "But I think everyone is entitled to a secret or two."
"Even if it's a bad one?" Zach wondered.
She raised an eyebrow. "You trying to tell me something?"
He laughed under his breath. "Of course not."
She stood up, "you ready then?"
He shrugged but made no move to stand. "Not really."
She sat back down. "Anything you'd like to discuss."
"How's Preston?"
The question had taken her off guard. "Um. . ."
He smiled at her, his first true smile of the day. "Wow, Mace, haven't seen you so flustered before."
"I'm not flustered," she said, but the red in her cheeks wasn't from the cold.
He laughed. "Whatever you say."
"He's fine," Macey said. "Just so you know."
Zach laughed again. "I know, I talked to him this morning. I just wanted to see what your reaction would be."
She sent him a glare, but there was no true anger behind it.
"So you've been talking to him?" he continued.
"Yes," she said. "Not that it's any of your business."
"Come on," he chided. "Tell me all about it."
She gave him a dark look. "No."
"I won't say anything to Cammie."
Macey rolled her eyes. "You realize I would I tell Cammie before I told you right?"
He laughed. "Yeah I guess."
"So like I said, none of your business."
"That boy is my family now Macey, of course it's my business. I gotta make sure he's not going to get his heartbroken."
"How thoughtful," she replied dryly.
He shrugged. "We're a wolf pack," he explained. "Got to look out for each other." Macey detected a hint of sadness and remorse in his voice but knew better then to mention it. Cammie had told her about Zach's friend, Kyle, and his unfortunate passing.
"Same with girls," Macey replied, addressing a subject she'd wanted to for a while now. "I have to make sure you're not going to hurt her again Zach."
"Macey—"
"I'm serious Zach," she said. "You still haven't told her everything, I know you haven't. That's what you asked me to pick you up instead of her. I don't care what it is but I know that it will hurt her if she finds out."
"And how do you know that?"
"You wouldn't be hiding things from her unless you thought it would hurt her."
"It's complicated Macey."
"I'm sure it is," she replied honestly. "But you know she's going to me more pissed at you for lying to her than anything else, right?"
Slowly, Zach nodded his head.
"And I swear if you hurt her as badly as you did before, if you can't fix it again this time, you will want to run and hide somewhere I can never find you. Because there will be hell to pay. Cammie's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister; I'm not going to let you destroy her. Not again."
The words were affecting Zach more than he wanted them to. He didn't want to hurt Cammie again, that was the last thing he wanted. He knew what it had done to her the first time, he could hardly bear the thought of doing it again. He wouldn't do it again. But he knew if she ever found about Joe, she would be absolutely distraught, heartbroken. Again, because of him. He thought that was a good enough excuse to keep it from her. But he knew he was being selfish, he just didn't want her to know the darkest, most secretive part of him.
"I'm not going to hurt her," Zach replied in a quiet voice, praying to god that what he said was true.
Macey's eyes were still narrowed, obviously calculating the truth in his statement.
"I'm not kidding Zach," she said to him, her voice leaving no room for joking.
Zach let out a deep breath. "I know," he stated. "Neither am I."
:*:*:*:
Just after Viney put Jason to bed she noticed her husband sitting at the table in their kitchen, his head bent over his hands.
She noticed the lines on his face, worry lines. The bags under his eyes, the way he looked closer to thirty or forty than to twenty. His hair was hanging in his face and she thought he needed a haircut, she missed looking into his beautiful eyes. She felt guilty seeing him like that, knowing he tried so hard to please her. He'd been working seventy hour weeks recently, just to make ends meet. Nothing was ever enough, and she supposed Will was just beginning to realize that.
"Hi," she said softly, taking the seat beside him.
Will glanced up from the table and offered his wife small smile. "Hi," he replied.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked.
He looked at her. Her blonde hair was longer than it had ever been, falling down in beautiful ringlets around her waist. He still didn't know how he'd gotten so lucky. She was perfect, a loving wife and mother, kind hearted and out spoken, not to mention hotter than all of his ex-girlfriends rolled into one. He didn't deserve someone as angelic as her, but somehow she loved him, and, although he'd messed up a lot of good things in his life, he was never going to screw that up.
"Nothing serious," he told her. "Just Jace again."
"You don't need to worry about him," Viney said. "He can take care of himself."
"He doesn't deserve to be treated like that. I deserve to be treated like that if anything."
"Don't be stupid," she replied. "Of course you don't."
He smiled tentatively at her, "you're too good to me."
"Someone has to be."
He laughed quietly. "How the hell did I get so lucky?"
"Wasn't luck babe," she said. "You're just dynamite in bed. Simple as that."
He laughed again, but this time it flowed more easily. "Glad to know you only love me for sex."
She giggled and grinned, before leaning into kiss him softly on the lips. It was amazing how she could make him feel better with a few simple words. How that one kiss made him feel like he was on top of the world.
"Not to mention you're the most passionate person I know," she spoke softly. "About everything and everyone you care about. It's a very redeeming quality."
"I just want to help," Will explained.
Viney scooted her chair closer and threaded her fingers through his light locks, pulling him close so that their noses were pressed together. "I know," she said. "And that's why I love you."
He grinned, kissing her again, wishing that at every moment in his life he could feel like this. So happy and pure, like he was a better person when he was with her.
"You know," he said. "I kind of love you too?"
She laughed. "Yeah," she said. "I kinda know that."
He smirked. "Good."
And as she leaned into kiss him again she repeated the same word back to him, feeling just as blissful as he did in that moment. "Good."
:*:*:*:
She had been exactly where he'd expected her, asleep on his bed at Will's old house, clutching his pillow. She'd probably been waiting for him for hours there, refusing to be the naggy girlfriend and simply call him to ask what time he would be home. No, she wanted to be the girlfriend that wasn't constantly worrying about him and calling him every ten minutes. He smiled at the thought of knowing her so well, although he wouldn't have minded if she had called. He never really minded when she did, he couldn't think of it as nagging, only as caring. And she was the only one that seemed to do that for him anymore.
He set his keys and wallet on the dresser before unlacing his shoes and kicking them off into the closet. Once he'd changed out of his jeans and into a pair of athletic shorts he crawled up onto to the bed behind her. He put his arms around her, gently kissing the side of her neck to wake her up. He didn't really want to, knowing she didn't get a lot of sleep and when she did it was better she stayed that way, but he knew that's what she would have wanted him to do.
She was a light sleeper so her eyes fluttered open at the first touch of hand against her waist. She smiled at the feeling, her body recognizing his easily.
"Hi," she said, with a yawn. "What time is it?"
Zach glanced over at the clock. He cleared his throat. "Just past ten," he replied in a quiet voice.
"You're late," Cammie said.
"I know," he said, his voice already sounding apologetic. "I wanted to spend some more time with Natalie and Diana," he said, referring to his distant cousins, the only family he still kept in touch with. "I caught the next train." His lies flowed easily off his tongue, but with each word he said he felt guilt rise in his throat.
He knew he couldn't keep lying to her, he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it much longer.
"Oh," she said. "Ok. Did you walk home from the train station in the dark?"
"No," he said. "Macey came and picked me up."
Cammie rolled over in his arms to give him a perplexing look, and to look at his face to see if he was kidding.
"Macey?" she asked, unable to hide the surprise and jealousy in her voice.
Zach nodded. "Why? You guys aren't even friends."
"Yes we are," Zach said. "Not good friends or anything. But I needed to talk to her about Preston anyway. It was like killing two birds with one stone."
If it had been before, before they broke up, Cammie would have called him out on this, knowing it was lie, that he was hiding something. She wasn't stupid, but she also wasn't willing to push him away. So instead of questioning him, she let the suspicion in her eyes fade away and pretended that he had satisfied her curiosity.
"Ok," she said, refusing to prod him about it. She was trying to be less controlling, and that meant trusting him. For all she knew he wasn't lying, but maybe that was just what she wanted to tell herself.
Zach gave her a strange look but it passed over his face so quickly she wasn't sure if she'd imagined it or not. "Sorry for being late," he said to her then, kissing her tenderly on the lips.
She forced a smile at him, but knowing, deep down, things were more broken between them then either of them wanted to admit. "I love you," she said, trying to squash the uncomfortable feeling. The words weren't just placeholders though; she meant them, she just hoped they were enough.
He grinned at her, settling his head back down on the pillow so that he was comfortable. "I love you more," he said, knowing that without a doubt, in that moment, it was true. She had all these doubts and unspoken reservations about him, meanwhile he trusted her whole-heartedly. He knew it wasn't fair to continue lying to her, but at this point he didn't see another option.
She was all he had left, and he wasn't willing to let her go.
And another chapter finish. I'm not sure how many more chapter there will be but I'm trying to wind the story down. Which means lots of time skips!
I hope you guys, whoever is left reading this, liked it!