AN: First, let me apologize for how long this has taken. Short version: I work full time and am also in school full time, taking classes that give a quarter's worth of information in 4 weeks, and I'm in an on-campus class to make up some credits. Nov/Dec was my senior project, which I had to pass in order to be eligible to graduate, no pressure. Thankfully, I did pass, and will be done in another few months, but it's been brutal. I'm so, so sorry for the lack of notice for my absence. I'll do my best to stick to the weekly schedule from here on in and will say something if I expect to miss more than a week. If you're still out there, thanks for waiting for me, and thanks for reading.

As for this one...Hopefully, this chapter should address why this version of Shepard is so quick to forgive, at least a little bit.

Chapter 19 - Re: About Horizon...

Dear Kaidan,

I got your message, and I'm so sorry that I can't reply directly. I hope you won't take my silence to mean that I don't care, that I don't appreciate what you said. I'll try to get a message to you somehow, but between Yeoman Chambers, who monitors all my messages, and EDI, who can see almost everything on the ship, no matter how I tried, it'd get blocked. You're an undesirable, as far as Cerberus is concerned. Too dedicated to the Alliance to be an ally.

I have to say, I really respect and admire that about you. You're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in, and you're proud to be unwavering and dedicated in your support for your cause. I remember when your cause matched mine, in our hunt for Saren. I wish I'd told you then how much it meant to me that you found me worthy of that focus.

I'm amazed your message got through to me in the first place, though I imagine that, given its content, I was allowed to see it. It's...very complicated here. I hope I'll be able to get away from it soon, but dealing with the Collectors has to come first. I hope, now that you've seen it first hand, you'll understand why I feel that way.

Please don't apologize for what you said on Horizon. You were right in a lot of ways. Believe me, though, it burns me to know that I have to work with Cerberus, considering all we discovered while we were on the first Normandy. That I'm helping these terrorists...well. To my mind it's a necessary evil, and I really don't trust them at all, but I can understand how it looks to everyone else but me.

Really, if anyone should apologize, I should be the one apologizing to you. I had no idea that it was so bad for you after I died. (It has taken me a long time to be able to write that without shutting down. To be able to think it. I died. It's horrifying.) Granted, there was no way for me to know, and no one was volunteering anything. I had to pin Chakwas down before she'd talk, and what she didn't say was almost as horrifying as what she did.

I've only ever wanted your happiness. I hope, if you continue to see that doctor on the Citadel, that you find it. There's a selfish part of me that hopes for your 'maybe,' but even if I weren't working with Cerberus, I'd never ask you to wait for me, that would hardly be fair.

Do I remember the night before Ilos? Yes. Oh, yes. Remember that it's only been a few months for me, though even if it had been two years, that's not something I'd ever forget. I felt so alive that night, and every night we were together. I haven't felt that way again since. You told me once that I was hard to step away from. You...are impossible to forget. So, yes, I remember. I'll always remember.

I hope like hell I come through this, Kaidan. I hope that, when I do, I can take you up on that maybe. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

-Jane

When Kaidan read the subject of Shepard's latest letter, he cringed, recalling what he'd written to her in the aftermath of finding her alive on Horizon. He'd been anxious to read this letter, too, but now that it had finally come up, it took effort to read every word rather than skim through.

Once he was finished, he could only shake his head, bemused and irritated. She'd made mention before that Cerberus was watching everything, but he couldn't help but be amazed at the lengths to which they'd gone, yet again. Granted, after spending four billion credits on bringing someone back to life, perhaps they felt it was their right, but even so... Living that way would drive him mad and he still couldn't fathom how Shepard could stand it. Like her, he wouldn't be surprised if she'd been allowed to see his message. If they'd been hoping she'd cut all ties, perhaps they figured that would do it.

He had certainly thought that would probably be the end, in spite of his offerings of maybes and what ifs.

But she'd apologized to him? Kaidan sighed and retrieved his nearly empty beer. It rankled that she felt that she had to apologize when he'd been the one out of line. Did he really seem that unyielding, especially to the woman he loved? Even as he asked the question, though, he already knew the answer, and it was enough to spur him out of his seat again, pacing the length of his tiny living area.

Granted, he had been a mess after her death, and unlike Shepard, he didn't have any trouble with the idea that she'd died. Rather, he did, but it wasn't as foreign a concept to him, since he'd been there when the SR1 was attacked. It was the fact that she was alive now that had turned his world upside down. Not that it had been all that stable anyway; he was still was in some ways, which was why these letters were affecting him so strongly. But it wasn't as if she'd been given a choice about what had happened to her on the SR1, and she certainly hadn't had any control over how he'd reacted after her death, or how he'd punished himself since, or how he'd acted after seeing her alive on Horizon.

On the other hand, as he'd already thought so often while he'd read these letters, it was Shepard. She'd always been one to shoulder more than her share of the load. And in the end, Kaidan thought, his lips twisting in a wry smile, wasn't that what she was doing right now? 'A necessary evil,' she'd called it. Wherever she was, she'd let Cerberus appoint her the savior of the missing colonies, just like she'd let the Council appoint her the savior of the Citadel when they'd sent her after Saren. It was perhaps the most aggravating thing about her, and most admirable.

Glancing back toward where he'd left the datapad, Kaidan winced as he recalled the letter. Why had he even bothered mentioning going out for drinks in the first place? It was probably right up there on the list of worst dates he'd ever been on. They'd only gone at the urging of her friends (and the not-so-subtle hints from Anderson) and had ended up only being drinks rather than the dinner plus more they'd discussed. She'd been distracted by work, more fascinated by the L2 amp in his head than with anything else about him, and had spent most of their brief time together by peppering him with more questions. He'd still been brooding over Shepard, the reason for all of Anderson's hinting, and he'd only gone to shut the man up. It hadn't taken very long before they'd mutually agreed that they ought to stick to a more professional relationship and they'd gone their separate ways for the evening, only meeting again when he showed up for regular appointments at Alliance Medical.

Kaidan groaned as he walked toward the kitchenette for another beer. "Idiot. Why mention her at all?" It had been meant as a rhetorical question, but his mind naturally had an answer: why else but to inflict more hurt? Which prompted a grunt of disgust and another pained look, directed at himself once more. He'd really have to set the record straight about that one as soon as he possibly could. And apologize. Definitely that.

He couldn't help but feel hopeful, though. She'd said she wouldn't ask him to wait, but there was no doubt in his mind that he would. Shepard was out there somewhere, and still felt something for him, especially given the way she'd described her memories of Ilos. If she was willing to look past what had happened on Horizon, if she'd give him another chance, there was no way he'd turn it down. He might spend the rest of his life making it up to her, but at least it seemed like he'd have the opportunity, maybe...

Reviews welcome!