Hello, my lovelies! It has been forever...and a half. See what I did there? Huh? Huh? Okay, moving on. Pretty please let me know what you're thinking so far, or just treat me to your abject cries of agony at the painstakingly slow rate of update on this story. But it's still going after three years, ain't it?
If you're good, you'll get the extra special treat of a long chapter (Chapter 22!) which is complete and simply waiting for you if you ask nicely (or not nicely).
Enjoy! Or cry! Whichever.
It wasn't something he could explain. He felt heavy all the time. It would be difficult for you or I to understand the feeling, because it is how we always feel. But Peter Pan had always been extraordinarily light. So light that his feet lifted off the ground.
Peter had known from the moment that he entered Narnia that it was different than the Neverland. As full of wonders as it was, Narnia was not as welcoming as his home. He had somehow known immediately, without a doubt, that he would not be important here. He very shortly discovered he could not even be remembered. Sometimes, he couldn't even be seen. Narnia had very few children.
The novelty of it had been fun for a time, perhaps even a couple hundred years. After that…
Well, after that he had Lucy. She could remember him. He was never alone, because he had Lucy.
Now he didn't. He didn't have Lucy at all.
And he was quite utterly alone. He hated it.
The only hitch was...she didn't forget. She insisted on trekking out to the woods, and while he didn't join her, he would spy on her. It was more difficult than it should have been. It became clear that she could still see him, too. It was confounding. She was old! She was meant to leave him, she was supposed to. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It never had before. He couldn't trust that she would stay, but for some reason that was beyond his understanding, she seemed to be doing precisely that.
He could see that she was clearly different, too, so he couldn't make sense of her commitment day after day. She was Adult Lucy now, not Valiance that he had played with. She was ever so serious, she hardly ever laughed. She was sometimes even frightening with her ferocity when she was sparring. She wasn't the same, but she was still Lucy-like.
Peter desperately wanted to be near her, so he got even better at sneaking. He would listen while she talked to the trees, sometimes even sneak near Cair Paravel to get a glimpse of her. He couldn't reveal himself. Even so, she seemed to know he was there, or at the very least, she continued to pretend he was. Peter understood The Rules, though, even if she didn't. She was grown-up. He would never be. Her world was no longer his, and it would be wrong to try to keep her in it, no matter how he wished to. He wanted a friend. He wanted Lucy.
In one thing only could he find comfort. If no one could see him, he could cry as much as he liked. So he cried. Often. And he could not fly.
A melancholy tear dripped off the edge of his nose and plopped in the dirt beneath where he lay curled on his side. In a mimic of the way he had once seen someone comfort another, Pan brought one ashy grey hand up to pat his own shoulder. It did not work. His hand returned to his side. He noted, in a detached way, that the grey was darker now. Always grey these days.
He felt that he could simply shrivel up and die away. Except he couldn't. He couldn't do anything except live, and live, and live, and live.
The Rules had never bothered him. He would never grow up. He would never die. The Others would do both. Eventually, they wouldn't believe in him any longer. Consequently, they wouldn't be able to see him. It had never mattered.
It had never mattered.
He had never been left alone.
It had never mattered.
He had never been left alone. Except-
He had, as an infant. They hadn't cared for him, and they had left him alone. They had rejected him, and he had instead found himself an extraordinary adventure, where hadn't missed them for a moment.
It had always mattered.
"I will always be a boy, and young. I will live forever," he whispered in despair. Another tear dropped off the tip of his nose.
It was like…
Drowning.
Over and over again.