Chapter 21:
'So how do you feel about going back to work tomorrow?' Eric asked her as he handed her a glass of non-alcoholic wine, before taking a seat next to her on the couch, resting his elbow against the back of the couch, and bending one leg so he could look at her. Calleigh was lying on her back, head on one of the cushions, and Eric could tell that something was on her mind. She was quiet, and when Calleigh was quiet, it meant that she was thinking.
It had been over a week now since they had been back at home from hospital and the doctor had cleared Calleigh that she was fit for work. She had stopped taking the medicine and the wound had healed and she had even started jogging again. It had taken her less than expected to recuperate and everyone was glad that she was good enough to get back to work and healthy.
Eric's mum had called every day to check on the two of them, and every day she had apologized for not being able to come over and take care of them just like she really wanted to do. They had obviously told her that it wasn't necessary for her to go through such hassle, but it hadn't made her feel any better about the fact.
Calleigh took a deep breath and shrugged 'I don't know to be honest' she replied.
'What do you mean?' he asked her with a frown 'Aren't you happy you're going back to work?' he asked her.
'Yess...but I'm not sure...that I am ready' she told him hesitantly but sincerely.
'What do you feel that is stopping you?' he asked her. He could see that she was struggling with putting words to her own thoughts and feelings, so Eric placed his hand on her lower part of the one leg and stroked it for her 'Talk to me' he whispered.
'I just...I just don't know if I am ready to get out there and get into fires, or chase someone or...you know how our job is. One day you're running after someone, the next you're jumping into the ocean, then it's an ambush...and I don't know if I am ready to face all of that' Calleigh started telling him 'And I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being insecure and scared. This is not me. It is not who I am' she told him and at that statement she pushed herself up from the lying position she was in and sat down, resting her elbows on her thighs as she rubbed her forehead.
Eric shifted closer and started rubbing her back, trying to calm her down 'Heyyy...you have been through a lot. Don't be so hard on yourself' he whispered.
'I just want things to go back to normal' she told him, sounding almost desperate about it.
He dropped his hand from her back, as if she had burnt him with her words and without looking at her, he let the words roll out of his mouth 'Cal...if you want to go back to your house, I'm not stopping you. You have put your life on hold enough for me, I don't want you to do that anymore' he told her.
Calleigh's head snapped in his direction as his words hit her hard, realizing what he was thinking she wanted 'Eric...that is not what I mean. I don't want t go back to my place...' she started telling him with a shrug 'I kind of got used to living here with you' she told him almost blushing 'It's nice to come home to someone...you know, instead of going to an empty crib' she admitted.
Eric smiled at her, feeling his heart warm up at those words 'I kind of...got used to having you around as well' he admitted shyly and Calleigh smiled adoringly back at him.
'When I say that I want things to go back to normal...I mean me...I haven't been myself for weeks now. I am tired of whining and winging that I'm upset, that I'm tired or sad or scared. I want my old self back. I want that strong woman back who isn't afraid of anything that easily, who is a fighter and stands her ground, who used to face each day as if yesterday never happened...' Calleigh told him as she pulled her legs up resting her toes against the edge of the couch and knees against her chest before she sipped some wine.
'Calleigh you have been through a lot lately, you have to give yourself some time to heal and get back on your feet' Eric tried to explain.
'I know but I used to be able to just dust of anything. The only thing that rattled me was Speed's and Hagen's death. Death is the only thing that rattles me it seems, and even then, it didn't take me too long to move on' she tried to explain. She was trying to understand why this time it was different.
'But this time it was me Cal...this time it was me on death's door. You and I have always been closer and we have known each other for years. When Speed died and when Hagen killed himself, you hadn't known them for as long as you have known me now. You hadn't experienced as much with them as you have with me...maybe it is not even death that rattles you...maybe it is the thought of loosing someone in particular...me in this case' Eric tried to explain and Calleigh shrugged 'Are you that scared of loosing me Cal?' he asked her.
Calleigh placed her wine glass on the coffee table and leaned into him, resting her head against his shoulder as he wrapped one arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head 'I guess I am' she whispered softly 'I haven't been myself since I received that phone call' she said 'It's like I have been in this free fall and I can't seem to get out of it' she said sadly 'The thought of loosing you...' and Calleigh trailed off as she buried her face in his chest, trying to push that thought away.
'I don't even want to think about loosing you like that' Eric whispered as he pulled her closer to him.
'But you're not acting like I am' she protested 'And we have been through the same situations. Where you have almost been shot to death, I was kidnapped. We have both been on the receiving ends and scared for each other. For heaven's sake you are even dealing with memory loss in certain cases, you had to even go through loosing your sister again and you're not acting like I am. Why are you not as rattled as I am?' she asked him.
'Maybe you have been stronger for longer than I have' Eric replied with a shrug 'Maybe it is because I am focusing on being there for you instead of focusing on my own problems' Eric replied 'I don't know but everyone deals with situations differently...you know that' he whispered 'I think you just need to give it a little bit more time Cal. It had only been a week since your kidnapping and the whole Jake and Stetler situation' Eric continued 'No one expects you to shake that off in just a week' he told her. His fingers were playing with the ends of her hair by now and Calleigh was beginning to yawn.
'You're tired Cal...why don't you go to sleep and will see what tomorrow will bring?' he asked her.
Calleigh lifted her head then to look in his eyes 'What if...what if I don't manage to get through the day tomorrow?' she asked him.
'Then you will come back home and take as many off days as you need until you are able to' Eric told her and Calleigh nodded before another yawn escaped her. Eric smiled at that and kissed the side of her forehead 'Let's get you to bed' he whispered as he slowly got up from the couch, picked her up and carried her to bed.
oooOOOooo
Calleigh was in the bathroom, resting her hands on the sink as she tried to breathe. She shut her eyes and tried to force the images of earlier out of her mind, but it was getting rather impossible. She wanted to call him, but he would realize that something was wrong the minute he would hear her trembling voice. She just wanted to hear his voice, that is all. She needed to hear that he was fine, and damn it all she wanted to do was get home to him and wrap her arms around him. It was like all she could seem to think about lately, it was all she wanted to do lately...just be in his arms.
She looked up at herself in the mirror and caught sight of the shining pendant resting on her chest and Calleigh smiled softly as she realized that he was with her. That was why he had given her the necklace in the first place.
'I can do this' she whispered encouragingly to herself 'I can do this' she repeated and with that she walked out of the bathroom and straight into her lab to start testing today's weapon.
oooOOOooo
It was already seven in the evening when Calleigh finally made it home. She could feel her heart speed up in her chest as she approached the door, and feeling as anxious as she was, she almost dropped her keys, as she fidgeted to find the right one.
'Eric' she called out as she opened the door.
'Heyy you're back' she heard him say as she closed the door. She dropped her bag on the floor and practically ran towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck, closing her eyes as she felt his body press against hers, his arms immediately going to her back.
'Heyyy...are you alright?' he asked her sensing that it had probably been a tough day for her, as his hand rubbed her back.
'Now I am' she whispered. Her eyes caught sight of the stuff on the kitchen counter so Calleigh pulled out of the embrace 'What's all that?' she asked him, looking into his eyes.
Eric smiled as he looked at everything on the counter 'We are going for a picnic by the beach. I thought it would do you good to get out of the house a bit' he explained.
She always loved the beach, and maybe today it wasn't the right day but she was not going to refuse spending some quality time with him. She needed it today and it was so thoughtful of him, she really couldn't disappoint him.
'That sounds lovely. Can I just go have a quick shower?' she asked.
'Of course and in the meantime, I will start packing everything in the picnic basket' he told her.
Calleigh smiled as she made her way to the bathroom. She turned the water on and stepped into the shower letting the feel of cold water splash over her body. It had been a tough day at work today. Analyzing the weapon had been tough. They were rare the times when Calleigh found it hard to process guns, but it was part of her job, she was the expert, and if she couldn't do that then she was in deeper shit than she thought she was. She had managed though. She often had to stop and breathe and touch the pendant on her chest thinking about Eric, but somehow she managed.
Now she was exhausted though and if it hadn't been for Eric being so thoughtful, she would have probably crawled back into bed already...into the warmth and safety of Eric's bed.
Going out on a picnic with Eric though in the evening sounded nice...just the two of them under the stars. She smiled at the idea, realizing she actually liked it. She knew that all of these secret smiles, the constant need of being in his arms weren't feelings of just friendship, and if she was honest with herself, she had always known that the two of them shared something deeper than that. Maybe it was only now that Calleigh was finally letting herself see that...now that she had almost lost him.
Living with him, being with him through such a horrible ordeal, made her see him in a different light. It brought out feelings she had ignored for all these years. She had been stubborn...she had possibly hurt him a couple of times as well, and she was sorry about that but she was scared. Scared of getting involved with him, scared that if she did and it wouldn't work out, she would loose his friendship, scared that she would drive him to the same faith she has driven Hagen. He had killed himself, lost all sense of reality simply because he couldn't have her. He had gone against everything she believed in, he had asked Eric to ignore evidence, insulted her father, made her look incompetent at times, and Calleigh just couldn't get past that.
She turned the shower off and with a towel wrapped around her she walked into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe. She wanted to wear something appropriate but yet nice. She smiled realizing she was really being silly now. This was definitely not like her. This was not a date. He was just being nice...nice being him...just being Eric...sweet, caring, adorable Eric.
Not long after Calleigh was making her way back to the kitchen where Eric was waiting for her on one of the stools. His eyes caught sight of her and he almost had to remember how to breathe. He thought she had put a little bit of effort with the light natural make-up, long white maxi dress and hair pulled to one side.
'Ready to go?' he asked her as he got down from the stool.
'Everything ready?' she asked him, trying to ignore the way her heart was pounding hard in her chest. He just looked so handsome tonight, dressed all in white. She just loved the color on him.
'Everything ready' he confirmed, and with that they were out.
oooOOOooo
'It's a lovely spot here' she whispered as she turned to look at him.
He was lying on one side, his feet out of the blanket being too tall to fit on it like she does, as food laid between them in the middle of the blanket. Non-alcoholic wine of course was poured in the two wine glasses Eric had gotten with him. His eyes were on her, watching her. He could tell that she was tired, that it had been a long day at work today.
'Yeah it is' he replied with a smile.
'So why a picnic tonight?' she asked him.
'I figured you would be exhausted, that it was going to be a long hard day for you today, so I thought it would be nice to do something for you, for a change' Eric admitted 'And besides the weather is perfect tonight and we stay at home enough...' he told her with a shrug.
'Yeah we do' she said 'I could have crawled straight into bed when I came home but this...this is wonderful Eric' she told him.
'Glad you're enjoying it' Eric replied with a smile 'So how was your day?' he asked her.
Calleigh turned her head to look at him, as the breeze blew her hair into her face. He watched her move the strands of blonde hair behind her ear as she took a deep long breath.
'Hard. It was a tough one' she admitted.
'The case?' he asked.
'Yeah...had to process a gun...had to stop and breathe a couple of times' she admitted.
'Why didn't you call me?' he asked her softly.
'I didn't want to worry you. I knew that if I called you, you would have been able to tell that something was off, and besides...I have to start facing this. I can't keep going on like this. I want to move on. I want to be courageous enough to be able to face this' she told him.
'Well I am proud of you...proud you managed to' Eric told her.
'Thank you' she whispered with a smile 'Somehow I did' she told him, and then an image from this morning flashed before her eyes and Calleigh got up without saying a word and just walked away towards the water.
He watched her with a frown, knowing that she wasn't telling him something...something that had to do with today's case. He was sure of it. He watched her sit down on the sand, her arms hugging her legs, as the waves crashed towards her. Eric slowly got up and made his way towards her, taking a seat next to her.
'What is it Cal?' he asked her softly as she turned to look at him.
'Do you ever get scared when you are out there?' she asked him.
'I don't really think about it' he replied with a shrug as he turned to look at the water 'I get lost in that world' he admitted.
'Oh please don't say that' she begged him as he watched her close her eyes momentarily.
'What happened today?' he asked her realizing this had something to do with today's case.
'We had to search for the missing gun today, and we had to get some divers out there to look for it' she started telling him before she took a long pause as if to try and find the courage to continue 'One of the divers got attacked by a shark...he didn't make it. We couldn't save him' she whispered as a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek.
Eric shifted moving behind her, so his legs were lying next to hers and he could envelope her in his arms, kissing the back of her head, knowing that that tear was for him and not the diver who actually got killed.
'I'm safe' he whispered.
'I know...it's just that...you get out there a lot. If you had been on duty today, you would have been down there...and I wouldn't have been able to do a damn thing to save you' she started telling him.
'Calleigh Calleigh...you can't save everyone baby' he whispered.
'I know...but what do I do if something happens to you while you're out in the water? Do I jump? Do I shoot at the damn thing? What do I do?' she asked.
'You definitely do not jump' he told her 'You jump, you'll be putting your life in danger, and I would be more focused on you than trying to save myself' he told her.
'But...' and Eric stopped her.
'You in particular do nothing. I know that there is always a possibility of getting attack...now whether it is a shark in the ocean or an alligator in the glades, it doesn't matter. It is there home' Eric told her.
'It doesn't make me feel any better' she told him.
'Calleigh you can't start thinking like that. We put ourselves in danger all the time. It doesn't matter if it is a bullet or a shark...it is part of our job. You get scared when I am out in the waters and I get scared when you're in the middle of a shoot out' Eric told her.
'I know...it was just too ironic you know. My first day back at home and we have this accident...it felt too close to home' she whispered.
Eric tightened his hold on her at that 'Why didn't you say something before that it wasn't a good idea to come down here?' he asked her.
'Because a picnic under the stars, down by the beach with you...I would be insane to throw that away' she whispered as she turned to look at him.
Her eyes found his, as she watched them twinkle, the reflection from the moon must have been caught in his eyes, and it almost took her breath away. Eric could see her chest rise and fall as he watched her eyes shift to his lips as she swallowed hard. His thumb was stroking the side of her arm, as the waves crashed against the shore. He swallowed hard as her scent mingled with the salty air that filled his senses, and Eric thought that he was going to pass out if he didn't kiss her now, but she was fragile and Eric didn't want to take advantage of her. He wanted her to come to him on her own accord.
He lowered his head just a bit though, letting her know that he wanted this, that he wanted her and when she closed her eyes and moved a little bit closer, Eric closed the little distance remaining between them as he locked his lips with hers, feeling the softness press against his lips. He felt her hand settle on his thigh as she leaned into him, and his hand cupped the side of her face, as Eric deepened the kiss, his tongue finally meeting hers publicly.
It was heaven. To finally kiss her like this, to hold her in his arms and kiss her knowing that she wanted this as well. He finally pulled slowly away, the sudden need to fill his lungs with oxygen being to great, as he kissed her lips before he pressed his forehead against hers.
'Calleigh' he whispered as he closed his eyes cherishing this moment.
He felt her smile and then he heard her speak and Eric had to open his eyes 'I always thought you were a good kisser' she said and Eric laughed.
'What?' he asked her laughing.
'I was right...you are a good kisser' she repeated, before she snuggled into his arms, resting her head against his chest, and Eric kissed the top of her head.
'Do you have any idea how long I have waited to kiss you?' he whispered against her hair.
Calleigh smiled 'I know' she whispered 'I'm sorry I've been such an idiot' she whispered.
'Why do you say that?' he asked her.
'I was scared...I was scared that if it didn't work out between us...that our friendship would be ruined, that I don't know...something like what happened with Hagen could happen and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened to you' she admitted.
'Calleigh...Hagen's death was not your fault' Eric told her 'He lost control of himself. Something would have triggered such behavior...but it wasn't you' he told her.
'Maybe' she whispered.
'And whatever happens, you will always have me...you should know that by now' Eric told her 'You will always be my best friend' he told her.
'So you don't think we are making a big mistake getting involved?' she asked him.
'Calleigh...you and I have been involved since day one' he told her with a smile 'We always flirted with one another, and we always knew that we could count on each other in every situation' Eric told her.
Calleigh smiled at that knowing that he was right. She snuggled into him again, feeling his arms tighten around her 'I'm so thankful and blessed to have you in my life Eric' she whispered.
'Not as blessed and thankful as I am to have you. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you' he told her.
'Absolutely nothing...we were just made for each other' she whispered, finally embracing the truth.
The truth which has always lied in Eric's heart.