Day 61

2/20/2016 - Sunday

I made a friend on Tumblr. I rarely talk to people over there but suddenly this girl messaged me, asking me something about workouts and we started messaging each other back and forth. She assumed I was a girl too at first. 'GoldenCagedBird' sounds too girly? Oh well, whatever. She seems very nice. I'm glad I have her as a friend.

I sit at my desk. There's the mailman downstairs again. He's pushing letters in the Kulelna's mail box. Literally pushing with force. I guess the thing is full?

No sounds coming from below. I woke up at noon and sneaked out; Bakura was still sleeping. Well, it's Sunday, at least he won't miss any school today.

Ishizu and I chat, then I play Candy Crush, then I check Tumblr, then I answer Ishizu, play Candy Crush, check Tumblr - it's a circle of internet addiction.

At two, I go downstairs to eat. I find Bakura in the kitchen, cooking rice, looking half-dead. His hair is messy, he has no socks on, but oversized, black joggers. Never saw them before. Are they new? It's weird, I constantly see new clothes on him, but I wouldn't thought of him as the type who goes shopping so often.

"Mmh," is his greeting, as he sees me.

"Morning," I chuckle. "You okay?"

"No," he grunts, preparing the small blue pot with the towel.

"Why not?" I ask, stepping closer.

He doesn't reply, but sits down at the table, letting the rice cook. The towel will soak up the vapor coming up. I forgot the other rice-cooking instructions though, dammit.

"Bakura." I go to him and stand besides him, waiting for him to look up.

"What." He doesn't look up.

"What is wrong?" I ask.

He looks up, frowning. "Why? What happened?"

"I asked you if you're okay, and you said no."

He frowns harder and looks away. "Fuck off, will you."

Hashtag #badmood; Hashtag #Bakura. "Fine!" I sigh. Don't tell me. It's stupid, he always says he's not okay, when I ask him. I move away and open the fridge, but I don't even know why. It's always empty anyways, safe for beer. Oh no, there's actually some cheese. "Bakura."

"What."

"Do you have bread? Can I have some?"

"Just the bread?" he asks slowly.

"Aaand some cheese? Please?"

"Mh, if you'll be quiet then."

"Yes!"

"And don't make me a second one, alright," he chuckles.

"Oh, never," I respond.

I make myself a cheese sandwich, he continues with his rice. We sit down in silence, eating our food. Bakura literally just eats his rice, nothing more. Probably tastes as bland as it looks. His rice is the best I have ever eaten, but for breakfast? Nah. With nothing else on top or as side? Double nah.

I want to say something. But I don't even wish him a good appetite. His mood seems too bad. I'd rather not risk anything.

It's exhausting though! How can you sit with somebody at the same table and constantly avoid their gaze?! It's hard, I tell you! He's right in front of me, chewing, being cute and gloomy and I can't say anything, can't make him look at me, can't make him listen to me.

I so hope his mood will change at the end of the day.

What shall I write about today, it's just a boring day. I work out, I shower, I go to work. There's Katherine, there's Anzu, there's Mai and there's Mahad. Same old, same old. In my break I head upstairs. Bakura is watching something with his headphones on, so I can't talk to him. Mh. I chat and reblog and play, then go back downstairs.

Ever played The Sims? My mood meter for social interaction is as red as it can get. Sure, I talk to Mai and the others but it's not much and it's work related. We have to talk to each other. The only uplifting thing is as Mai asks me if I'm okay. I shrug and tell her it's nothing much. What shall I tell her? That I feel lonely? That's too girly.

Eventually, the day is over and I go back upstairs.

Bakura is undressing. "You going out?" I ask, sighing. Great, not even a good-night talk before I fall asleep. This day belongs into the garbage can.

"Shut up," he hisses and motions to me to close the door. Right, Kefia shouldn't hear that. I close it. I get out of the hoodie I wore all day and let myself fall on my mattress, my face buried deep into my pillow. I hear Bakura opening and closing his closet, pulling at pants and sweaters. I wonder if he gives any thought on his clothing. Does he put on nice things for his lovers? Or doesn't it matter? They will take it off and be naked anyways, right.

"What's up?" he asks.

I look up. He's looking at himself in the mirror, arms crossed before his chest.

"What do you care," I huff.

"You're right, I don't," he replies. He sits on the bed and puts on shoes. He's not looking at me. His mood seems better now though, there's some kind of half-smile on his lips. Is he thinking of the guy he's about to go visit? My throat tightens. Why the fuck can't you just stay here and talk to me?

I realize that I am staring at him and look away. Where's my tablet. I have five lives on Candy Crush again, I shall play it.

Bakura stands up and puts on his coat. I feel him looking at me and glance up. The level I'm playing is hard and I give up after the first try. I'm not in the mood. I'm not in the mood for anything.

"Okay," Bakura says, "who are you and what have you done with Marik?"

I sigh and turn around to lay on my back, so I won't have to face him. "Just a stupid day, that is all."

"Let me guess: Anzu? Or maybe that other one, Katherine?"

"No."

"Not work related?"

"No."

"Hm."

I feel like I already told him too much. He'll figure out that I'm upset because of him and laugh at me. Well, it is stupid that I am mad because of that but I can't help it. I need him talking to me.

"I'm going out," he says.

"I noticed."

He snorts a chuckle. "Okay, what the heck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

Finally, he gets going, slides the window to the side and climbs out. Yeah go, can't stand you inside here any longer! He throws a look back at me but I don't acknowledge it. See, that's how it feels, Bakura! Just go and leave me alone. Never talk to me again, it's fine. We'll never be close, I might as well stop trying it!

He closes the window behind himself. The fire escape rattles, as he descends. Sigh, finally. I turn back on my belly and try that darn level again.

Bakura did it today again, didn't he? Was in a bad mood and pushed me away. He's just okay with seeing me when he needs me. How I hate that.

I hear voices from outside. One is Bakura's, the other is Kefia's.

I dash to the window, but I can't see them. I open the widow and stretch my head out, but I still can't see them, they are probably near the exit to the club. The voices are clear now:

"I talk to you how I want!" That's Bakura, with high-pitched anger in his voice.

"No, you don't." I hear movement during the last word. He slapped Kura. I breath out slowly.

"Fuck you! I wasn't even going where you thought I was, I'm just going to Zorc!" Even higher pitch, slightly shaking.

"You-"

"Not that it's any of your business!" Bakura shouts.

"It is my goddamn business! I am responsible for you! And you make me shake my head in shame by being a freak! You're a mistake!"

I hold my breath. I can't hear what Bakura is replying, his words are too low. I breathe in again. What is happening? Is Bakura sad or mad? How do his eyes look like now?

The metal stairs are shaking. He's coming up? I stretch out more. More shaking, steadily becoming stronger. Soon enough I see his white hair. "Bakura," I mumble.

His almost here, one floor below me. He rubs his hand over his eyes and paces upstairs.

I wonder if I should hide, pretend that I haven't heard or seen anything. Bakura was ignoring me the whole day, but now I just wanna hug him. I don't care if he's mad at me, I just want to be there for him.

He reached the floor and looks up, seeing me, eyes wet.

I gulp.

Bakura's face goes through different emotions within two seconds. At first, he raises his eyebrows and leans slightly back as he stops in his motions. But half a moment later, he picks up the pace and moves past the window, a hateful stare thrown at me. Then, his eyebrows bend and his eyes fill with tears and he pulls them away from me. He runs upstairs, the fire escape shakes hard.

I climb out, half-naked as I am and follow him.

My socks don't help much to protect my feet from getting cold. We're in the melting days of snow, so everything is slippery and wet. As I reach the roof, my socks are soaked. I rub my naked arms and peer cautiously over the fence.

Bakura is leaning against the one lamp he's always sitting at. His back turned to me to me, so he can't see him. I am not sure if I should approach him. He will shout at me, insulting me. Why did I come up after him? But I can't just go back inside, knowing he's up here, crying. Oh god, crying, imagine that: Bakura crying. No, it breaks my heart, I have to go to him and see him!

I climb over the fence gate. He turns his head shortly back to me, as he has heard me, then stands up. I rush to him, fearing he'll try to get away from me. "Bakura."

And that's exactly what he does. He steps to the edge of the roof, putting his hands on the guard rail, turning away from me.

I stand behind him, my arms stretched down, hands into fists. It's fucking cold. "Bakura," I say calmly. I don't dare to step before him, it's too intimate to see him crying, I know he'll turn away.

"What do you want?" he asks, sounding casual and relaxed. I bet he isn't. He reaches into his pocket to get his cigarettes.

Yeah, what do I want? How can I help him? "You know," I begin, "he didn't mean that."

There's a break in Bakura's movement. He puts a cigarette between his lips, then grabs the lighter. "Go back down, Marik." His voice is still calm, but this sentence had a dangerous edge. Like the silence before a storm. There's no talking now, he won't listen to me, he doesn't want to. It doesn't matter what I say, the next word will be wrong, doesn't matter which one it is.

"Okay," I whisper and nod. I watch him light up his cigarette, then turn around and walk back. I stop before the fence door and look back, see him wiping his hand over his face. Goddammit, I don't want to leave him alone.

I grab the fence and breathe out through my nose. I have to help him.

He looks back, lips pressed together. "Go away!" he shouts, his voice shaking.

I stare back, looking into his eyes. He turns his head away. "No!" I yell back. "I'm waiting here for you!"

"Marik, just go!" he answers loudly. "I want to be alone now, okay? So you heard what he said, didn't you?" Here, his voice gets a sarcastic touch. "Feeling all superior and empathetic, don't you? 'Aww, I just wanna help poor Bakura!'" He moves his head from side to side, mimicking my voice. "Don't you get that I want to be alone right now?"

"You always want to be alone," I mumble. I cross my arms before my chest and stare at the floor between my feet. I lift my toes up, there's dirt under my socks. Guess I can throw those away.

I stand there for a little while, but I realize that Bakura is right. If he wants to be alone, then I'll let him be alone.
How often did I rush into my room because of Dad? Back then when he still tried to make me memorize every single homework task I had to do and I refused. When he accused me of not loving him, because I wanted to spend half an hour chatting to my school friends instead of playing board games with him. When he threw away my favorite earrings, because 'real men don't wear such things'.

I go back inside, change my socks and lie down on my mattress, staring at the ceiling.
There's a difference between Bakura and me though: I would love to have somebody come after me and pull me into a hug when I was upset because of my father. Yeah, first I buried my face into my pillow and cried, but eventually I answered the door because Ishizu was knocking. She held me and she washed my face and told me how much she loved me.
I miss her.

Half an hour later the fire escape makes its trademark sounds. I turn around on my belly, so I am not facing it, in case Bakura doesn't want me to see that he's been crying. I know he's been crying, and he knows that I know. But I still have to avoid his eyes for a while.

Maybe you don't understand this one. In the world of boys and men, crying is the one unmanliest thing a male person can do. Men simply don't shed tears. First of all, we really cry less than women, because we're emotionally more stable. But we're still human, so we still have emotions, so naturally, sometimes we will cry.
I actually cry pretty often. Maybe it's because I am gay, or maybe because I'm a loser, but I do whine and whimper more than other guys, or so I think. I never cried in front of anybody else except for my family. The last few years I only cried in front of Ishizu. My Dad would call me 'girly' if I cried with him seeing it.

So there's this constant shame we feel when we are crying. Men can never cry without it, it's linked to the act. We can't have anybody think we're weak. It's so strong that when we see another male cry, we feel ashamed too. It's second hand shame.

So I stay on my stomach and try the Candy Crush level for the third time. I can't concentrate on it though, because my mind is with Bakura.

He doesn't undress but lies down with his coat under his covers. He pulls his shoes off of his feet without using his hands. They plop onto the ground next to me. I only dare to look up after he stopped moving. Of course he is turned away from me.

There's nothing I can say, without him getting angry at me, is there? I finish my game and lose of course, I wasn't paying attention anyways.

He's breathing slowly through his nose, sometimes sniffling a bit. Silent crying? With me in the same room? I hold my breath to listen better.

His breath is shaking ever so slightly. He's not moving one bit; his coat hanging out from between the covers, his hair a mess. His frame is so small. If he were to pull the covers over his head you wouldn't be sure if there's somebody lying there.

You're a mistake.

My Dad said things like that too. Not that in those words, not so sharp. But similar. 'A man is useless if he cannot provide for his wife and children' in which he mostly spoke about himself. 'Every man has to plant a seed on earth and in earth.' which means you gotta have at least one child with a woman and plant one tree or you're useless.

I stare at my tablet, the colorful shapes of my game blinking at me. Play!

Bakura starts moving. He's huffing, pushing air through his nose. He turns around and pulls the cover over his head. One of his legs is over the cover. He breathes loudly. He grunts. "Fuck."

I look down as he removes the covers. Better not meeting his eyes. He's huffing and grunting as he undresses. His coat lands on the floor, in front of me. I twitch in surprise but suppress any sound.

More huffing, then his sweater follows. The bed squeaks and creaks, he's turning. A sigh. A sniffle. "Marik."

I freeze. "Yes," I reply softly.

"Can you go upstairs for a moment?"

"Why?"

"Just go upstairs for a moment!"

"Okay."

"Wanna be alone for a bit."

"Alright." I move, grab a blanket and my tablet - my gaze constantly on the ground - and step to the door. I turn back to him, now looking at the back of his head. "For how long?"

"...ten minutes. - No, fifteen. Okay? Please."

"Yeah. Sure," I whisper.

"...thank you."

I nod and leave the room.

My room is cold. It feels strange to be up here at this hour. I got so used to Bakura's room, I'm never upstairs at this hour. I try the level for the fourth time, and without much effort, I almost win. Almost. I'm three moves short.

Yeah, sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you get bad luck. Bakura not wanting me to be there for him, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. Of course he wants to be alone for now. I will be there for him if he needs me, not because I want him to need me.
I have one life left and use it, but I lose again. Oh well, next time.

I go back downstairs after twenty minutes, finding Bakura fully dressed again, putting on shoes. His eyes are small. "You're going out?" I ask low, closing the door.

He nods.

"Where?" I sit down on my bed, he turns away.

"To Zorc." He stands up.

I nod. "Have fun... Uh, I mean, you know, good luck, ah, no, um..." What the fuck am I babbling about here? "Er, all the best! ...in your life. - Not that we won't see each other ever again, no, I just-"

"Okay!" Bakura chuckles, turning to me. "Thanks."

I close the window behind him. It's almost four. I'm tired.

Hopefully he'll have a nice evening with Zorc and will laugh lots and forget about what Kefia said to him today. I really wish him just the best.

I fall asleep fast.