I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away…

Seether- Broken

Chapter 21- Lost

I was lost again, drowning in a sea of emotions and memories once more. Flashes of trauma filled images relentlessly filled my mind, but I was numb. I refused to cry, was only vaguely aware that the need for food had come and gone unanswered. But the pictures blatantly disregarded my orders to leave me alone.

Blond hair billowing in the wind. Dark eyes smiling as her darker hand grabs for my pale one. "Tandy, come on! I want to play on the merry-go-round before the cops show up. . ."

Oh, Spirits, no. Not this. Anything but this. . .

Once again, my pleas are ignored, and before I know it, I'm back at that rusted-metal maze they called a park. Long condemned, there's no one there but us and, for once, we are children, and nothing more. We play with wild abandon, and for one glorious afternoon, the rest of our wretched existence fades away into nothing. No gangs. No pimps. No pushers. Just two little girls, playing in the dirt and reveling in the freedom that we might never see again.

Carra. . .

My resolve almost crumbles as I remember her smiling face, watching it morph into the mass of bruises and abrasions she would receive in the following years, courtesy of Finch's reign. And I very nearly weep when I remember the last time she smiled at me.

The day I helped her end her own life.

Assisted suicide or not, she was my very first kill. Normal, much more sane people would recoil at such a thing, but I knew as well as she did that death was the only way she could escape the tortures Finch put her through. Put us through. I had recoiled at first, myself, simply because with her gone, I'd be alone. Alone, with no one who gave a damn about me, or share in the pain. But, ultimately, I realized how selfish it was to let her suffer, just so I wouldn't have to walk through hell alone.

Which was why I held her, masking my intent with slow and steady motions. She curled against me, slowly sobbing. "Why does he do this to me, Tandy? When does it stop hurting?" I inhaled slowly, following the motion with a quick snap left. The feeling was strange, the popping sensation imprinted on my nerves as I slowly released her upper torso as her body involuntarily released the last of her oxygen. Carra's head lolled as I moved her to the ground, clutching her limp hand as I struggled to overcome the numbness that threatened to overwhelm me. You just killed your best friend… you don't deserve not to feel anything. But I didn't cry until her bruise-riddled hand slid from mine and hit the floor. . .

"Death is a release, not a punishment. . ."

I could still hear Finch utter those words, an echoing mockery of the line from one of Jackon's favorite movies. It was the first time I'd ever seen my master lose control, the night he realized his plaything was gone.

It was also the first time he raped me.

I stood, restlessly pacing the area between my bunk and my desk, throwing myself down on my bed as the next image came unbidden…

Brown. Jackson's eyes were brown. Focus on them… not on the ragged, bloody holes all over his body. Don't let him know how terrified you are. Be strong for him.

His tongue protrudes from his mouth, and it looked much the same as it did when he'd try to fix that ancient projector for the millionth time. But movie nights are over forever. The air was thick with the smell of fear and body fluids, the sweet and salty tang of sweat and the obscene male grunting forcing its way past any mental barriers I'd tried to erect. I couldn't keep the images out even if I wanted to; even if I could have forced myself to try to isolate myself from the torture of my surrogate parents.

Don't you dare let her know you're too terrified of being next to save her. Look her in the face… But Elayne was absorbed within herself, her sanity finally cracking only seconds after a boot had struck Jackson's skull with a wet thud. She stared at his unmoving body without blinking, no emotion painting her face as the next man mounted her from behind…

I rolled over, focusing on the ceiling to drive away the pictures by overwhelming them with minutia. It was one of the few tactics the counselors had tried to teach me that had actually worked. And the horrors did abate, for a moment, but as soon as my pacing resumed so did they.

Movement. "Another mini quake!" I yelled as the ground trembled beneath me for the hundredth time that morning, "when is this shit gonna stop?"

"Maybe if you quit making Tremors references, Shep, this god-forsaken planet will stop PMS-ing," Cortez joked, high-fiving Toombs, ever the comic duo.

"Get off me, jackass. We didn't have this shit in Charleston." The ground shook again, harder, as if offended by the jokes. "Guys, maybe we should…" Whatever I was about suggest, however, was interrupted by a piercing scream. It bored into my brain, trying to drive me to my knees and corrupt my will to fight. But if nothing else, Finch had taught me to be a stubborn bitch, to survive. I vaguely registered my fellow soldiers succumbing to the infrasound waves, hitting the ground as they tried in vain to block out the sound with their hands.

I acted on instinct honed within every cell of my body, firing my weapon until it overheated. I switched weapons, firing once again until the weapon refused to respond, then switched back. I dimly, as if from somewhere far off, heard the impossibly soprano cries of my companions. They had been caught in a blast of venomous spray, Cortez all but engulfed in the acidic poison. It's all background noise, though, as the Widow focused on making it out alive. That was her priority, no matter what I wanted. That was the day I learned to hate her; the day I vowed to purge her from my life…

I grabbed my hair, yanking hard to bring myself back to the present. No more, I thought in desperation. Please no more.

The Spirits must have taken pity on me, because the last two memories were nothing but flashes.

Jenkins, hole riddled body the first soldier I would to lose under my command.

Ashley, the last one I would EVER allow my self to lose, saying, "I don't regret a thing."

I had failed them all.

Who in the hell had decided I was wise enough to pull this off? What cruel higher power had decreed me the one to lead these troops? Whoever it was hadn't asked my opinion, that was for damn sure. If they had, I could have warned them that a murdering, thieving, lying, sociopathic orphan was not the person to save the galaxy. If nothing else, Anderson and Udina should have known better.

As much as I hated to admit it, this also proved how much I was alone in this. Caring for people I could lose any moment was a hazard I wasn't sure I wanted to risk. Finch had been right about that much, though even in my current state I wasn't blind to the irony of the fact that is was his blood on my hands that had cost me my dearest friend.

I moved back to the bed, collapsing onto my knees, facing the wall as if it could take my confession and absolve me. Maybe then, I could speak his name. Or at least think it.

Garrus… I would give anything for his level-headed, straightforward view on things right about now. But I was too ashamed to seek him out. Too ashamed of how I had betrayed the lessons I had taught him, and the people who had trusted me with their lives. I wasn't brave enough to face him, and that made me angry. Made me despise my own weakness.

My fists began pounding my pillow, a futile effort to stave off my own self-revulsion. It wasn't enough, not nearly enough pain to drive away my hatred of myself. Looking up frantically, the matte surface of my headboard became the target of my fury.

How can I ever face any of them again?

As if fate were determined to play one last, cruel trick on me, I heard a whoosh of air as my door opened. There was only one person it could be, who would have the quad to enter my personal quarters without permission.

"Are you okay?" The familiar voice, flanging and all, scathed me with concern.

I flung myself forward, shoving my face deep into my pillow so I wouldn't have to look him in the eyes. From there, I summoned enough strength to try to savage him, to try drive him away.

"Go away, Garrus. That's a fucking order!" My voice may have been harsh, but somewhere deep inside I was aware that I needed him here, needed his… I don't know. His solidarity, I suppose.

His gentle, pitying tone was nearly as gut-wrenching as Ashley's final statement. "Never been good at taking orders. That's why I left C-Sec, remember?"

Why, of all the people in the galaxy, did it have to be him? Not just here, now, but on this whole damn mission? Impossible didn't even begin to describe how disastrous having a rebellious turian be the one to break through my barriers was. I'd already fielded several terse messages from Udina regarding my choice of companions while on the Citadel. But I didn't care what that asshole thought. Garrus and I knew where we stood, and that was all that mattered.

I hadn't counted on him becoming a cornerstone of my life, though, especially so quickly. Hadn't counted on the man becoming an irreplaceable resource. Hadn't planned on caring for him so much.

I didn't love him. It wasn't that sort of caring. But the last few days had made clear how well we complemented each other, my fellow warrior and I. He makes me complete… my sleep addled brain chimed in.

I sensed more than heard him cross the room, taking a seat at the edge of the bunk, and I edged to the wall rather than risk him touching me. I hadn't cried yet, but I just might if he continued to burn me with his compassion.

There was a hint of humor in his voice, though, as he said, "Hey, the crew voted. You get me or Kaidan. Want me to go get him?" I shook my head, overwhelmed by the thought of the accusation in the biotic's eyes. Or worse, his love in spite of the monster I was.

"Do you really want me to leave?"

I shook my head again, still not trusting my voice.

"Then tell me how to help."

With those words, my jury had been chosen, and I took the stand in my own trial.

"I fucking had to sacrifice one of my people to save another. There's no way to rationalize that. Logically, I know it was the best tactical decision, but I should have been able to save them both." I beat my head against the pillow in frustration. "You can tell me I did the right thing, but it sure as hell feels wrong."

Garrus hesitated a moment, as if measuring his words carefully. It was one of those characteristics that was so wonderful about him: Rash as he could be when his temper flared, he could also be counted on to answer truthfully, and tact be damned. Maybe it was a turian trait, but I valued it no matter what the source.

"Had you gone after Ashley, and left Alenko with the bomb, who would have stopped Saren from disarming it?" He paused, then continued, "And we both know Kirrahe wouldn't have made it without Ash's help. Cut the drivel long enough to analyze your actions as a commander, Teandra."

That was the problem, though. If I examined my actions, what became obvious was that the only difference between this mission and every other one was that I had left Garrus behind. Outside of Virmire, he'd been my constant companion. Those missions had been complete successes, bolstered by the abilities of my partner, and the innate trust I had in his skills. If he'd been there, if I hadn't been so petty… I could have left him with Alenko and saved Ashley. I could have rescued all of them, and the knowledge ripped me apart one small section at a time.

I could not say that aloud, though. Just couldn't. So I changed the subject.

"I can't sleep." I turned towards him, finally meeting his blue eyes with my own. The orbs swept my features, taking in my disheveled hair and the tired set of my shoulders in one quick glance. Still, despite his unwanted pity, I told him the rest, "Every time I close my eyes I see them: Ash, Jenkins, Finch's girls, the men on Akuze. I know its part of the job, but when does it stop hurting, Garrus?" I knew it wasn't a fair question, knew there was no right answer, from years of experience. Bless that sweet turian, though, he did try. Lying down across from me, he began stroking my hair as he spoke.

"I'm not sure, little Spectre. But I would imagine the day you stop caring. And that would be a sad day."

I sighed, both at the words and the touch. The man whose whole life revolved around justice had just become my judge and jury, had just pardoned my crimes. He had absolved me of my blame, when I myself was incapable of doing so.

"You can't change the past. You can only live for the future, try to make those sacrifices mean something. None of us would hesitate to give our lives for this mission."

"I know that, I just… you're right. I know you're right." I closed my eyes, the rhythmic motion of his talons on my scalp beginning to finally lull me to sleep. But the rasping noise it made began to intrude on my mind at the cusp of serenity with the awkward closeness of the situation. Determined to keep the moment as it was, I asked my friend for one more thing, a distraction from the strange sensation. An escape from what my heart threatened to destroy by exposing it.

"Can you just keep talking? You're voice is so soothing right now…" The last sentence was spoken as a barely stifled yawn, and I curled up into a ball, still enjoying the light scratching of talons. And as Garrus began some story about an asari ambassador, I felt myself drift into that dream state between sleep and wakefulness. I felt a small movement, just enough to make me realize I had gotten cold from the lack of sleep.

I reached for my pillow, snuggling into it fiercely, and all the while some part of my brain realized that it was warm and much too firm. A fast, steady drumming sound sang me further into oblivion as a weight came around to rest on the hollow of my hip hesitantly.

This is where I belong, I thought as I drifted fully into the dreamworld, breathing in tandem with the movement of the surface beneath me. This is home.

Hello again, you freaking awesome readers you! Sorry the update was late this week, my slave-driving beta demanded some last minute revisions (LunaMax1214, you know I love you!). Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, and I'll try to be on time next week! After all, what else can everyone on the Normandy do while on "Lockdown..."

WEG.

Misty