DISCLAIMER: It never fails to surprise me that I'm not Soriachi and none of these characters belong to me.
WARNINGS: A bizarrely lot of suggestive talk about food.
SPOILERS: That great handcuffed together arc.
A/N: I have been trying to finish this frickin' story since MARCH, so I'm finally putting it up in two parts with the hope that it will make me finish the ten words I keep needing to add to the second part.
Also, special impressed thanks to Snow Cover and Trekiae who did tremendous marathon review sessions and yet seem to have not suffered lasting trauma from reading like 20 chapters of this stuff in a row, which frankly I'm kind of astounded about.
Dating, pt 1
In which once again everyone just talks about Sougo
"Toshi," said Kondou Isao, stalwart leader of the infamously lethal fighting police the Shinsengumi, whose name even hardened criminals (rarely) dared whisper, and by last poll struck fear into the hearts of between 75 and 80 percent of all evildoers and at least 86 percent of all honest citizens, "we need to talk about dating."
And Hijikata Toshirou, demon vice commander who at least 93.2 percent, 94.9 on a good day, of the populace at large feared, wished that just once thesedays his best friend and commander wouldn't start off every conversation like that. True, he was now uneasily, almost unwillingly, unofficially-officially entangled with the Shinsengumi's first captain and Kondou's surrogate son (percentage of universe terrified by said peacekeeper: 99.99) but did that really have to change everything? Sure it was going to make a little bit of difference, especially sometimes at night and after particularly sweaty workouts, when Sougo had that habit of tilting his head back and letting water trickle into his mouth, swallowing on and on and on. . . .
But did Sougo and sex really have to permeate every single aspect of Hijikata's life, to the point where not only Kondou but even random passerbys were asking about it? It was hardly conducive to striking terror into the hearts of man and Amanto alike, when halfway through a fierce shootout with terrorists Hijikata had to put up with Katsura yelling "So, you getting any yet, Bakufuku dog?" to which Sougo would repy "No, but next month he gets to use tongue".
And then the next day they would meet the yokoyuza and Sakata would nonchalantly give him a card for that cheap cross-dressing escort bar in case he needed to practice for using tongue. Which was both insulting and exceedingly creepy since he was pretty sure Sakata still worked there.
The point was, unless there were copious amounts of alcohol involved, there was no reason that Hijikata could see why his private sex life should become a group activity. It was bad enough already that even Sougo was involved.
It was even worse that for all the obsessive discussion of all this, he still wouldn't get to use tongue until next month.
Anyway, Sougo wasn't changing his attitude, was he? Was he? Well . . . it might be intentional that lately he seemed to be trying not to aim for Hijikata's face or groin too much during the routine attempts at killing him. But Hijikata wasn't changing his attitude – much - except for those few moment when he found himself thinking that at least said murder attempts occasionally resulted in physical contact.
So why was it that Kondou, who was only peripherally involved because he considered himself involved in all his friends' lives, whether they wanted it or not, felt the need to start every single conversation they had with some discussion about Hijikata's (lack of) sex life?
Couldn't he for once say: "Toshi, we need to talk about the climate of rising political intrigue in the city?" Well, no, probably not. For one thing, he probably didn't know what "political intrigue" meant. For another, his idea of reacting to political intrigue was "Let's just go clean it up and they'll probably thank us in the morning." Whereas Hijikata's viewpoint was "Let's go clean it up and they'll probably hate us in the morning, but screw them anyway." Sougo . . . he didn't even want to think about what his version of political intrigue was. It probably involved a guillotine and Hijikata's neck.
But still, having to choose between jumping behind a pillar to hide from your best friend or standing still and taking it like a man while he said in a ringing voice that carried all across the courtyard and into the street, "Toshi, we need to talk about penetration!" wasn't exactly one of the perks that came with sort of liking Sougo.
Frankly, even Sougo himself wasn't often one of the perks.
Sougo was, as he had always been, an anti-perk. A bloody-minded, creatively homicidal, entirely devious, absolutely untrustworthy, devilishly pouty, bizarrely fetching, anti-perk with a growing habit of sprawling asleep in provocative poses that made Hijikata grind his teeth and recite all 17 pages (plus appendixes) of Kondou's ever-increasing Rules for the Art of Dating.
(Never date anyone whose father figure has the power to make you commit seppuku if you stare too hard during dessert whenever banana sundaes are served. Damn the tropical fruits season, anyway! It was bad enough when Sougo only had access to dango. . . )
Hijikata sighed, and Kondou mirrored the motion, although hopefully for different reasons.
"I have here – " Kondou waved a collection of various papers in one hand – "a number of complaints we need to talk about."
Hijikata waited. Other people in other less destructive lines of work might have been waiting to see what Kondou would say because they had no idea what he might be talking about. Hijikata of course waited because there were so many possibilities there was no point in wasting time guessing which one it might be.
But whatever it was, Sougo was probably involved.
It seemed somehow that thesedays Sougo was always involved in everything – even things like grocery shopping, which used to a simple affair of telling Yamazaki what Sougo would like to eat, but now involved damnably interesting visions of just how that food might be creatively used – which annoyed Hijikata 99% of the time and annoyed him even more the 1% of the time it didn't annoy him. And now that he thought about it, since when were Sougo's favorite foods not only dango but whip cream, oysters, chocolate sauce, bananas, and apparently anything else that was either sticky enough to need slowly licking off fingers or required marked finesse with swallowing?
The only vague consolation was that it – whatever exactly it was – surely was getting to Sougo, too. So sure, he still had fits of trying to bisect Hijikata, but now he actually apologized afterward.
Well, not apologized, exactly. But he sort of implied it by being nicer for a while.
Well, not nicer, per se. More like . . . not nice, but in a less not nice way than usual.
Or something.
Dammit.
"Now, here's a letter from the old Edo ikebana club.," Kondou was saying, pulling out a pastel-colored sheet of paper and squinting at it. "Apparently last Saturday half of their special flower display was destroyed by 'two evil sword-wielding maniacs in black."
"It could have been two other sword-wielding maniacs," Hijikata felt compelled to point out, just for the sake of going down with a fight.
"Was it?"
" . . . . No. But he started it," Hijikata muttered, because somehow Sougo always reduced him to the maturity level of a three-year-old.
"Toshi, you know what always happens when you let Sougo get near carnivorous plants," Kondou reproved him patiently.
"Why does an old ladies' flower arranging festival have carnivorous alien plants, anyhow?" Hijikata demanded sourly, wincing at the memory, because some of them had had quite a sharp nip.
"Still, if someone gives you a bouquet, you really shouldn't attempt to dismember them," Kondou lectured. "I've had to talk to you about this before, although I admit with those cosplay stalkers there were mitigating circumstances."
"Kondou-san, I was trying to dismember the bouquet before it ate me. It wasn't my fault if Sougo was still holding it."
Kondou didn't seem impressed by this intelligence, but he did put down the pink letter and moved on to a different paper.
"And the zoo? That Corinthian slimebeast was very rare. Now I know Sougo takes labels like "Fabled Impossible to Kill Beast of Legend" very seriously, but it was an endangered species!"
Hijikata shrugged. "Some things should be on a leash."
"They're in a zoo so they don't have to be on a leash."
"I meant Sougo."
Kondou frowned slightly. "Page 12, subsection B, Toshi. No leather-related goods."
Hijikata scowled. "I know."
"And then there was the . . . bowling alley?"
They both shared an image of an enclosed space where heavy projectiles easily capable of cracking heads open were routinely heaved through the air.
"No, well, I can see where that was a mistake," Kondou admitted. "But what about those poor poor street performers the other day? That one was you Toshi, admit it."
"The mime had it coming," Hijikata muttered sullenly. "He was sniggering."
Said ill-advised mime had, in fact, motioned what looked suspiciously like "So, vice-commander, you getting' any yet?" And while there had been a certain horrified anticipation about watching Sougo act out the answer, Hijikata wasn't quite so far gone as to let mimes disrespect him – or let them watch his bo—his boyfr – his Sougo pretending to use tongue.
Kondou shuffled through more paper. He was looking tired, which would have ordinarily brought out Hijikata's (slightly corroded by still functional) protective instincts; but since he had brought all this on himself by unilaterally deciding against all available evidence that Sougo needed sheltering, Hijikata couldn't bring himself to feel very guilty. Not when there was still a towering mountain of doujinshi that Kondou still insisted he read to in order to (as far as Hijikata could tell) a) give him ideas and b) ban him from doing them. Not when Hijikata was forced every night to sit and watch as Sougo slowly lapped chocolate sauce from his fingers while he ate his banana sundae.
Not when he had been dating Sougo for what seemed like a year, and he still couldn't use tongue until next month.
Well, except when Kondou wasn't watching.
(That was happening a little more often now that Sougo had mistaken a spying Yamazaki for a spy who wasn't on their side, which served Yamazaki right for being a rotten spy who not only stalked his superior officers, but brought popcorn on his stakeout missions. Since the stalking was under orders, Hijikata could almost forgive it, but anyone stupid enough to bring loud, crunchy food while stalking two armed, violent, and paranoid men deserved all the contusions they got).
"All right. But what about the matinee?" Kondou said patiently, unearthing the next complaint from the pile. Faint soot trailed down from the smudged paper.
Hijikata took a deep breath, reminding himself that he respected Kondou and did not want to inflict harm on him, despite how increasingly tempting it was.
"Kondou-san," he said, "we're grown men! I keep telling you, doing kiddie things just doesn't work. It wouldn't even work if we were kids. If we could just go to a damn restaurant like normal –"
Hijikata hesitated, unsure exactly what kind of noun should finish that sentence. "Couples" was never going to pass through his lips; but the only other description he could think of was "sword-wielding maniacs", which while probably accurate, wouldn't do much to help his case.
"—people," he finally went with, because he was reasonably sure that covered both him and Sougo. Probably Sougo. "Normal people doing normal things."
Kondou shook his head and gazed at his vice-fukuchou matter-of-factly.
"Toshi, you are not normal. Sougo is not normal. You should know that by now. I'm not saying that as a judgment, just as a friend."
Hijikata snapped (he did this about once a week). "Forcing grown men to go to a showing of "Mr. Huggly in Bunnyland" is beyond not normal," he growled. "It's beyond abnormal! It just doesn't work!"
"Even so, there was no need to blow up the theatre." Kondou tapped the slightly sooty letter.
Hijikata wished he had a cigarette, so he could bite through it. "That wasn't our fault. How were we supposed to know that damn terrorist would be there? What kind of a terrorist likes to watch Mr. Huggly in Bunnyland, anyhow?!"
"Toshi, just calm down," Kondou said soothing, apparently completely unaware that he was the one calming Hijikata up. "I understand things are . . . a bit unique . . . between you two and you're doing the best you can. You know I wouldn't ever pry into these matters if it wasn't a matter of my job as a commander. I completely respect your privacy as you nurture your relationship in a well-paced and appropriate way that's completely up to you and your personalized intimacy schedule. After all, I didn't say anything when you and Sougo – contrary to all pre-authorized timetables - disappeared together for those two days, did I?" Kondou pointed out, as he had been pointing out at least twice a day for the past two weeks.
"Kondou-san, that was Sougo masterminding an elaborate subterfuge to make me suffer deep psychological trauma and then plummet down a yawning chaos into the bowels of the earth," Hijikata reminded him with weary and fraying restraint.
"Which is why I said I wouldn't mention it again. Even though our strict agreement was that you were not to be isolated with him for more than 7 minutes or 15 if you can prove via dead bodies or arrested criminals that you were not alone during said time. Even though there were two full nights spent alone together. Even though handcuffs and ice pops were involved."
"I told you –" Hijikata paused. "Since when were ice pops prohibited?"
Kondou frowned. "I hope you don't want me to have to spell it out," he said stiffly. "Ice pops, ramune bottles, and other suggestive summer treats are clearly prohibited on page 15 (subsection K, lines i through iv) of the Spring Edition of your Dating manual. And I already explained to Sougo that plummeting into yawning chasms should not be happening until at least the end of the year."
"Kondou-san," Hijikata said slowly, still with the limited patience that he would only muster for Kondou who yes, he respected, although gods knew why, "Sougo tried to kill me. That's all. Can I at least have attempts on my life be made without being forced to make it seem like a screwed up sexual metaphor?"
Kondou raised an eyebrow. "Sougo said it was very romantic."
"But Sougo is a sadist," Hijikata reminded him evenly.
"Point taken," Kondou agreed, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as if he had just remembered that fact. "But still, try to be more careful, can you Toshi? Between the two of you, you've taken out a third of our city's family attractions. I know Sougo's been lobbying to go to EdoDisneyland, but at this rate I'm scared Micky will go out on a stretcher if we let you two near the place."
Hijikata rocketed forward on his knees to lean over the commander's desk. "Kondou-san," he said with rare, honest feeling and slight desperation, "if you have any respect for me as a man, please do not make me take Sougo to Disneyland."
"Ha, ha! Of course I wouldn't ever "make" you do anything you didn't want to!" Kondou said jovially, slapping him on the back. "Unless of course it was for your own good."
"My own good?" Hijikata echoed, sitting back down and wondering what about any aspect of his life could be considered for his own good.
"Wouldn't making Sougo happy be for your own good?" Kondou prompted blithely.
"What would make him happiest would be my gruesome death," Hijikata muttered, once again trying to remember why he was attempting to go out with an insane bloodthirsty psychopath. It couldn't just be lust or morbid fascination, could it? Surely there were other alluring people in this city who didn't want to murder him, weren't there? Although that might just be because they hadn't met him yet.
Anyway, there was . . . well, Sakata wasn't too bad, sometimes, when he wasn't speaking or smirking or dressed up as that hooker. And, and, Yamazaki might be boring, but he would probably bring him breakfast in bed and cater to his every whim. Although he pretty much did that now, anyway.
But there must be . . . . someone . . . .
. . . . Damn. Were those really the only people Hijikata knew? No wonder he had gone with the homicidal sadist.
Though . . . .
Hijikata hesitated at the door. "He really said "romantic"?"
Kondou just flashed him a double thumbs up, which was one of the most disgusting things Hijikata had ever seen.
Kondou smiled fondly as Hijikata stomped away. They were really so cute.
A/N. Next part: A date! No, really!