Chapter Twenty-one

Thought for the Day: Tyranid problems? Try new Force Bug-Spray! Guaranteed to insta-kill bugs any day of the week! Beware rules laywers.

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Having lost Fulgrim and Sanguinius to the many temptations of Ibris, Mortarion now finds himself along in the search for the Key of Desire!

In a night club, somewhere in the capital city of Ibris ...

Mortarion: "I WALK A LONELY ROAD, THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN!"

Lithe Daemonette: "Sir, could you stop signing please? You're scaring the customers"

Mortarion: "DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES, BUT IT'S HOME TO ME AND I WALK ALONE!"

Crab-claws Daemonette: "How much did he have?"

Lithe Daemonette: "Only one shot! He came in here five minutes ago, ordered the strongest stuff available, and now he's like this!"

Crab-claws Daemonette: "What did you give him?"

Lithe Daemonette: "Just Budweiser, I'm not stupid enough to go straight for the potent stuff for a new customer!"

Crab-claws Daemonette: "Budweiser? There's more alcohol in my claw here than in that bottle!"

Lithe Daemonette: "But you are holding three bottles of vodka, dear ..."

Crab-claws Daemonette: "Yeah ... I know. That's what I said"

Mortarion: "I WALK THIS EMPTY STREET, ON THE BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS!"

Lithe Daemonette: "Quiet time now dear" She wraps her arms around him seductively.

Mortarion: In a drunken slur. "Do ya want to ere me poitree?"

Lithe Daemonette: Quickly gets off him. "Oh dear - WE'VE GOT A CODE BLACK!!"

Alarms begin sounding, and customers start running everywhere in panic.

Mounted Daemonette: [Author's Note: Ha ha, very funny. I know what you were thinking there] "Everyone please leave via the designated exits, which are marked by the flashing pink signs!"

Lithe Daemonette: "What are we going to do with him?"

Crab-claws Daemonette: "Wait until the Emo Squad arrives. In the meantime, do not let him leave your sight".

Lithe Daemonette: "Where are you going?!?"

Crab-claws Daemonette: "Elsewhere ... erm ... good luck ..."

He shuffles off, side-ways, out of the night club.

Lithe Daemonette: "Come back here you cheap plastic git! Argh! Those models sucked anyway ..."

Llama: "You think you've got problems ..."

Lithe Daemonette: "Sir, you should have left with the others ..."

Llama: "Over a fething emo Primarch? I've got better things to do with my infinite time, like wallow in depression ..."

Mortarion: "Whazz's wrong with yoo then?"

Llama: "Oh I used to be a all-powerful God way back when ... then of course, as is the way with GW, when the fluff got re-written I was lost. So I joined up with the Loser Club with those Illuminati, Sensei, and bloody Squats, before I realised I was a bigger loser than they all were. So now I'm here wallowing in my infinite depression trying to get drunk, which I can't incidently, and taking long and slow trips down memory lane ..."

Mortarion: "I twavel the univuss to find somewon more depwessed than me ... and it tuns ouw to be a camel with a God complex ..."

Llama: "Llama"

Mortarion: "Whatever ..."

Llama: "So what's your problem?"

Mortarion: "I got dumped"

Lithe Daemonette: "Oh you poor thing ..."

Mortarion: "My fwends left me for sex. Why? Waz up with that?"

Lithe Daemonette: "They didn't invite you to join them?"

Mortarion: "Na. They all selfiss! Selfiss!"

Llama: "I think the Primarch will take some coffee, as will I"

Lithe Daemonette: "Ok ... coffee ... where's the coffee ...?"

Llama: "So, little Primarch. What's your name?"

Mortarion: "Morrtreeon"

Llama: "So Mort, what brings you to Ibris, other than the obvious?"

Mortarion: "Key of Desire ... need it to opin the Gates of Val"

Llama: "Gates of Varl you say? Hmm ... are you by chance looking for the Fish of Time?"

Mortarion: "Yeh ... fish o tim"

Llama: "You know the Fish of Time can also grant the power to alter history? Change what has happened and remake the universe into whatever you wish by altering the flow of time and the events that have happened?"

Mortarion: "No"

Llama: "Oh ... well it can do that. Which would be very handy for me. With the Fish of Time, I can go back to being a God!"

Mortarion: "And that will stop you being depwessed?"

Llama: "Oh yes, indeed it will. He he he ... ha ha ha ... HAH HAH HAH ... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Lithe Daemonette: "That's such a great maniacal laughter Mr. Llama! Here's you coffee people"

Sirens can be heard from outside.

Llama: "What's that?!?"

Lithe Daemonette: "Oh that's probably the Emo Squad here to liquidise you two before you spread negative feelings around, that's Nurgle territory you see ... oh ... sorry"

Llama: "What? We need to get out of here! Quick! You! Daemonette! Where the exit!"

Lithe Daemonette: "I can't let you go!"

Llama: "Tell me or I'll spit! And that'll seriously ruin the complexion!"

Lithe Daemonette: "This way! I'll show you!"

Llama: "You'll lead us?"

Lithe Daemonette: "If they find out I let you go they'll kill me anyway! In a really boring way, which would be dreadful!"

Llama: "Lead the way ... come on Mort"

Mortarion: "Werez we going?"

Llama: "To find the Key of Desire, and then the Fish of Time! And I shall be a God once again!"

Mortarion: "Coolz ..."

Meanwhile ...

Vect: "So there was me, this Banshee, and a Carnifex ..."

Lorgar: "STOP THERE! We've quite had enough of your tales to last another Age of Strife. I thought the sites Ferrus visits were bad ..."

Vect: "I probably run most of them"

Lorgar: "QUIET! THERE! IS! NO! MORE! TALKING!"

Horus: "Except after the following question: where's Bile? We need to find him"

Vect: "For the arms yes? Can't please anybody with no arms, unless you're good with your feet, although tongue does quite nicely-"

Lorgar: "PG-13! Vect! PG-fething-13!"

Vect: "Just saying ..."

Lorgar: "Stop saying! Stop talking! Stop making noise!"

Vect: Leans forward and places a hand on Lorgar's shoulder. "Loved your books man"

Lorgar: "I said ... wait. You did?"

Vect: "Hell yeah. Smooth and stylish, you convinced me man. You made me a believer. I stand here a change man and I believe it's down to you".

Lorgar: "Wow .. er ... thanks"

Vect: "You've got to tell me what goes on in that mind of yours ..."

Lorgar: "Well-"

Vect: "AAAND swiftly moving onwards" He wraps an arm around Horus' shoulder. "Last I heard of Bile he had shacked up at an orphanage somewhere near Tenrise IV. Experiments of some kind"

Horus: "Tenrise IV eh? Thrall?"

Thrall: "Setting course my lord"

Horus: "Vect, we owe you one. What can we do for you?"

Vect: Opens his mouth.

Horus: "No, never, not in a million years, I just don't swing that way (despite what others may insist) ... sorry. Lorgar here may be interested-"

Lorgar: "What!??!"

Horus: "I've heard from reliable sources he's considerably talented-"

Lorgar: "I AM NOT! Well ... I am but not with him! Or ... 'hims' in general!"

Vect: "Wow, Lorgar. I wouldn't have pegged you for ... er ... what do you Humans call it?"

Horus: "Heterosexual?"

Vect: "So quaint, the concept that is ..."

Lorgar: "I'll have you all know that I'm in a happy and stable relationship right now. She acts as my publisher, and we have a great business and personal relationship"

Horus: "Who the hell would ever be your girlfriend?"

Lorgar: Smug smile all over his face. "You should know her vect. Lilith Hesperax!"

Vect: "What? I'm calling BS! And I don't mean Ballistic Skill!"

Lorgar: "Apparently she's a Slaaneshi worshipper now. We met at the local Undivided Church, a couple of her friends were trying to get her to cross the boundary and embrace multi-cultism"

Vect: "Slaanesh ...?" His face darkens. "The GREAT ENEMY!"

Lorgar: "Damn that Slaanesh eh?"

Vect: "What? Who cares about her ... I speak of the greatest threat to Eldar kind! The Evil Beyond Words! The Destroyer of Fluff! The Ravager of Eldar! The being men call ... See Ess Gotto!!"

Collective gasps of shock.

Vect: "Awesome reaction guys. Much appreciated"