A/N: The line is actually from Fruits Basket; a friend of mine (who I converted to a KuroFai fan recently) asked me to put Shigure's line in a KuroFai story. At first I though: Oh sure—Fai can say it. However, I think it's more poignant from Kurogane. I've tried very hard to keep him in character with it, though, because normally, it's just not something he would say (even though he is a closet romantic) Though I'm not sure if I've quoted it right, because I don't have that volume, and I don't feel like trolling through the internet to find it... But the general gist is there. Mm, this seems to be a trend—all of my major projects seem to have love scenes in hospitals! Gothix in particular has about two or three of them… Maybe I've just watched too much House?
Gothix, Lesson Ten: The Unshakable Truth
"Idiot!" Kurogane growled, banging his fist against the steering wheel. It felt like they were hitting all the stoplights from his apartment to the hospital. "Goddamn fucking stupid idiot!"
Sakura looked icily over at Kurogane, "You have the vocabulary of a drunken four year-old."
"I don't think this is a time for your prejudices, Kinomoto," Kurogane snarled, pressing his foot down on the gas the second the light turned green. He sped through the rain-slicked streets, his windshield-wipers moving at full force.
He struggled to stay calm; he had to keep it together. But what would he do if Fai died? He didn't think he could take it. Not after the week he'd just had. No… he needed Fai, he had to be with him. The idiot couldn't die just like that! Not now!
"They're not prejudices," Sakura snapped, "You've killed before, so why stop? If he dies, it's your fault, you know."
"I know!" Kurogane shouted, gripping the steering wheel tightly as he turned onto the parkway that led to the hospital, "I know! Don't make me feel worse about it! He told me he couldn't live without me, and look what I did."
It had to be his fault—there were no other options, it was just his fault. This was one thing he couldn't push off on somebody else. But, it would be okay, wouldn't it? Because Fai wouldn't just die on them like that…
What if he dies? A small voice kept at it, asking and asking.
"Then I don't know what to do."
XxXxXxX
Could you dream in death? The old dream again, finding himself on the ground, bleeding. Was he watching his death?
"You must live."
No… it was a dream.
So… he was alive?
"You must live."
XxXxXxX
There was no peace of mind, even once at the hospital.
"We have to reconstruct the arteries and veins in his arms," a doctor explained patiently, "It's a painstaking process, especially after the amount of damage he underwent. But we think he's out of the woods now, so you don't have to worry. We'll come get you when he wakes from the operation."
And so they waited, waited, and waited. No one said a word. No one even moved.
The hours passed in strained silence and anxious glares; the tension was palatable. No one in the OR waiting room dared to bother the four teenagers in black and tears. The storm ebbed and flowed, thunder growing louder and louder, but as the night grew deeper, it subsided to a soft rain, washing away everything.
Finally a doctor emerged in the twilight of the storm, "He's awake."
All four stood, then froze, staring at each other hesitantly. The silence was not broken; for three of the four, there was an unspoken agreement in something deep. Shaoran and Watanuki sat back down, nodding at Kurogane to go forward. Sakura, however, did not back down.
"You think you're going to dare see him?!" Sakura hissed, her voice low and dangerous. "You did this! I can't stand to see you hurt my friend any longer!"
"I'm going to see him, no matter what you say. You're irrational. I forgive you; I care for him too."
Sakura's eyes blazed as she mouthed Kurogane's words, "Irrational!? I swore I'd never let anyone close to me die anymore! That I'd not let them be hurt as long as it was in my power to protect them! We're the same! He doesn't need you! He needs someone who can understand what it's like to lose—"
"Sakura-chan," Watanuki murmured, laying a hand on the girl's shoulder, "Let him go; we can wait a little longer," he soothed.
"But!"
"Remember the conversation we had earlier," he said stonily. "And you and I need to have a talk, Sakura-chan."
Kurogane brushed past the two, nodding to the doctor, "I'll get them later. Take me to him, now."
XxXxXxX
It was still here. He was still here. The ugly feelings hadn't vanished, they hadn't abated—they grew. His arms throbbed where wires and gauze held them together. Monitors beeped, signaling his consciousness and his return to this godforsaken world.
He didn't want to be here, here where the sterilized scent of death taunted him, here where it was so similar to where he was held all those months behind barred windows and locked doors, here… where he was so far away from his goals. He didn't want to live.
Ragged sobs burst from his chest, and he dug his nails into his scalp as he silently screamed. He didn't want it, didn't want it. He breathed deep as a shrill alarm screamed out from a monitor. One of the nurses assigned to his room peeked in, then left on seeing him whole and not unplugging anything. He was watched here, like an animal. 'Suicide watch', they called it; it was just an excuse to gawk at the poor fools whose lives were miserable and unlucky—the poor fools who couldn't even muster up enough luck to actually goddamn die.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, standing shakily, using his IV for support. His legs barely supported his weight, and the room spun around his head. He shuffled to the window, settling down on the windowsill bench, watching the rain track down the cold glass.
He'd been so close. He'd wanted so badly to die—why didn't he? He closed his eyes, leaning against the window… he was so tired…
XxXxXxX
Black. Deadly black, swallowing him whole. Pain, pain so painful that it was nearly euphoric. Something slowly leaving his body, gently as a breath. Black smoke, black touch, black sun.
Take it away, take it away, I don't want to live anymore.
Black swallows everything, black trumps all, floating inside of it, taking everything away.
Footsteps. Running footsteps. Harsh sounds against the black silence, against the black heart. Ringing through the thick air, cutting through the black like white.
Soft hands on his face, stroking his face, sliding through his hair, tracing his lips. So familiar—the touch speared through the black, bringing white; it cut through the dark and brought the light.
"Fai…wake up, please…"
He had to obey; he had to leave the blackness behind. He struggled to consciousness, opening his heavy eyes blearily. He had to, the voice was so tired and pain stricken—he must put them at ease, else his own heart might break. He blinked once, but his eyes wouldn't open again—he was so, so tired; "…Tired…"
"What are you doing there? You'll freeze up against a goddamn window in a freaking hospital gown and shorts."
A smile fell onto Fai's lips, stretching slowly across his face. That voice was so comforting; what he'd do to listen to it for forever! There came a disgruntled sigh, then a rustle of cloth as the man bent over. Fai hummed quietly, snuggling deep into the familiar grasp as he was lifted from the bench. He was cradled in one arm—he assumed the other was busy pulling along his IV—and carried to his bed, where he was laid as gently as possible.
"Sleep a little longer, Fai. It's okay."
The boy happily complied.
As he slept, he heard voices, all familiar. A soft, caring tone; a gentle, yet angry girl; a short, but concerned cadence; and the one voice that dominated them all. He didn't hear the words or meanings, just the voices; they lulled him to and from disoriented, pain-filled dreams. Every now and again, he felt something wet drip onto his face and pressure on his hands. The meanings to these things eluded him, but they were cause for comfort. A cause to wander to the light.
Finally, words began to make sense again, dreams faded away, and the fuzz lifted from his mind. He awoke again, more thoroughly, less exhaustedly. He sat slowly, reaching up to rub the sleep from his eyes, only to find that only one hand was free to do so. He looked down to find his hand enclosed in another, one larger than his own, darker too.
His eyes traveled slowly to the body the hand was attached to, his heart throbbing painfully at the sight of his ex-boyfriend. "Oh, why?" he whispered. He slowly and reluctantly tugged his hand away, his arm throbbing at the movement, causing Kurogane to bolt awake.
"Get out," Fai murmured, fixing his best cold face. He didn't want to deal with this pain now; no, not now, not ever.
"Fai, I—"
"Don't want to hear it, get out," the boy mumbled, fumbling for the call button. Kurogane grabbed his hand, squeezing it. Pain lanced through his arm, and he yelped softly, "Let go! You're hurting me!" he whimpered, "Just leave me alone!"
Kurogane let go of Fai, looking like he'd been electrocuted. Fai held his hand to his chest, seemingly nursing the wound.
Fai dropped his head, his bangs hiding his eyes. Tears had begun to form, sending the room into wavering clarity. He didn't want Kurogane to see him cry again. God, what he'd give for it to have worked! Blackness was consuming him whole again—he could feel it bubbling in his veins, threatening to drag him under… and he'd gladly let it.
Kurogane watched in dismay as Fai dimmed and faded before his very eyes—the boy was hunched, his shoulders shaking with unshed, silent tears. He wondered what had been so horrible that made Fai abandon life like this; what had he done to help it? Oh, dear god, what hadhe done? He was so young—he was only sixteen—yet, he'd seen life and taken it. How could he, the one who'd taken a life, tell someone to live it? How could he tell Fai to live life to the fullest when he'd never done it himself?
Compared to himself, Fai was painfully young. He was so small, so fragile. He had to protect him. He had to hold him. He had to. In that moment, there was no choice for insecurities or doubt. Any question would kill. He had to do this; and this time, he knew it was the right thing, not some deluded hope to shirk responsibility. The second he'd taken Fai's hand, he'd made a promise to keep the boy safe, even though he was unaware of the repercussions.
He reached out, his fingers sliding gently against Fai's damp jaw, tipping the boy's face up to his own. He leaned down to kiss the blonde gently and chastely. He pulled away, searching the hopeless and confused blue eyes, resolving to never see them that shade of despair ever again. "Fai, I'm here—you're not alone anymore."
"Your promises sound like lies," Fai whispered bitterly, turning away. Kurogane pulled him back to him, shaking his head; "What I swore to you never changed—I will protect you."
"How dare you!? Even after you—"
Kurogane leaned forward, effectively shutting off any further arguments with his own lips. "Fai," he murmured, pulling back slowly, "Listen to me… I was stupid. I made myself think that being with you was bad for you—dangerous. There were times where I was so close to hitting you— and I… I was scared because I was seeing you fall apart, and I had no idea why; I thought it was my fault that it happened, that I couldn't help… you see, I can't say no to you," Kurogane confessed, brutally honest. He knew that there would be a day that he would fervently deny this conversation, but it had to be done. There were pretty lies and there were pretty words—and he hated them both; but there came a time when the truth was pretty damn beautiful and the truth always needed to be said, no matter how much one held clichés and romance in distaste. "So… that said, if you still want me to leave, if you ask me again, I will… and, if you ask me to never come back, I won't."
Fai trembled, his breath hitching dangerously close to hyperventilation. This was too much; the words were too kind, Kurogane's kisses were too loving… it was all so deceitfully beautiful. He wanted this lie so badly… "But you said… you wouldn't waste breath to lie…" Such a beautiful lie… Such a kind lie… but surely it would be infinitely kinder to leave him be, to leave him to die…
"Because by saying that I cared was a lie, I'd be lying to you! …Fai, there's never a moment where I don't think, 'he's so cute' or 'I wish I could hold him now'; I'd have never fucking bothered with you if I didn't want you!"
"Then why…?"
"I was stupid!" Kurogane snapped, running his hands through his hair. Fai watched anxiously, chewing his lip. He was silent for a long time before mumbling; "You're doing that thing…" He pointed to Kurogane with a shaking hand.
"You are too," Kurogane observed, "You should stop before you hurt yourself."
"Kurogane, you lied to me," the blonde sighed, letting his hands drop into his lap.
"Yes, yes I did, but not about what you think," Kurogane mumbled desperately, sensing an end to his pleas. The signs were never good when Fai deviated from the cutesy nicknames.
Fai looked at him solemnly, "Then tell me the truth."
Kurogane leaned forward, pulling Fai to his chest, holding the boy as tightly as he could without hurting him; "I care about you, and that is the honest, unshakable truth," he whispered, burying his face into Fai's hair. He could face heating, and his heart seemed to stop beating as he awaited Fai's reply.
The boy shook heavily, and the sophomore could feel tears beginning to drip down his neck and into the fabric of his shirt. "Then, dammit, I shouldn't have done that!" Fai moaned, "I shouldn't've gone and done that!" He latched onto the elder boy, sobbing heavily. The elder took this to mean that he was forgiven.
Kurogane climbed onto the bed, Fai cradled deep in his arms; "Shh, it's alright."
Fai pulled away looking at Kurogane with wavering eyes, "You know damn well it's not," he said hotly, leaning forward to press his mouth desperately to his boyfriend's. A long minute later, he pulled away, cheeks pink and lips swollen, then smiled warmly. It was a small little smile, but it was one that sent tingles and fire through Kurogane's body, so he pulled the slighter teen to him and kissed him again, "But it will be," he promised Fai.
XxXxXxX
"You missed your own EP party," Sakura said tersely, tossing a small package at Fai. It landed in his lap, where he studied it for a brief moment before turning his eyes back to his ex-girlfriend.
"Why are you so… I don't know, witchy? I'm okay, so… You can chill."
"She's upset you got back with lover boy," Shaoran said, bored, from the back of the room, eyes and fingers glued to a PSP.
"Ah, well, it's a good thing you're my ex and not my mother," Fai said dryly, casting his eyes to the door, desperately hoping that Kurogane would suddenly pop back in from the cafeteria. He'd been gone for a bit now—almost fifteen minutes, but that was a long time to be alone with Sakura when she was on the warpath.
"Fai, what if he does it again? You almost died the first time—"
"I'd thank you not to blame my lack of common sense on Kuro-sama," Fai said icily, fiddling with his sheets, "You don't know why I did it, nor will I tell you."
"I know why you did it! You were dumped; you had to go see your father! Then you get back together with a murderer!"
Three things happened at once, Sakura whipped her hands to her mouth, Fai half-bolted out of bed, and Kurogane loudly slammed the door shut.
Shaoran stood, pocketing his game; he walked over to Sakura, and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Oi. I understand maternal instincts, but you've gone to far this time. C'mon, I'll take you to Clow and Yuuko—apparently Watanuki's talk didn't help you at all. Maybe they can talk sense into your head."
He led her from the room, meeting Kurogane's murderous glare with one of his own. "Back down, lover boy," Shaoran said calmly.
"Let them pass, Kuro-sama," Fai said weakly, "Just, wherever you heard about my father… tell them to keep it quiet. We… we'll talk later."
"We don't know anything except that your father's in jail, Fai," Shaoran promised, "We don't even know what for."
Kurogane stepped aside. The door clicked behind Shaoran and Sakura, who was crying softly now.
The two stared at each other; Fai was the first to turn away. "It seems… we've not been completely honest with each other."
"No… it doesn't." Kurogane made his way to Fai's beside, sitting down heavily.
"You first," Fai urged.
Kurogane sighed, taking Fai's hand, tracing the lines of his knuckles slowly. He turned it over, palm side up, gently massaging the flesh as he spoke; "When I was ten, I came home from school to find the house dark. I wandered in, thinking it was a game or something, and this guy grabs me, and pins me to the wall with a knife. He turns on the lights and makes me watch him kill my parents. I went to court, and he got away because I froze up on the line-up and couldn't ID him. I tracked him down a year later and killed him in an alley a couple of towns over. I don't know why, but I wasn't convicted, even though I confessed point blank—I was proud of killing the fucker. Yuuko did some weird thing with the jury, and they said that I had a solid alibi that night and I was deluding myself and that 'it was only natural to be happy the suspect of my parent's killer was dead'—oh, yeah, she used to be a lawyer before she became the principal. She quit right after my case too, saying something about 'she was only there to help those children'—it was weird… but I got put on probation and oddly enough, Clow was my probation officer. I just got off a year or so ago, actually. What's weird was, I don't remember Clow ever being an officer before that—just a private detective. But I didn't know them well, so…" Kurogane's voice trailed off and he shrugged. He'd remained steady through the entire story, but about halfway through, he'd grabbed Fai's hand hard, and held on for dear life. Fai could tell he was dismayed.
He reached up, caressing Kurogane's cheek, "You're so strong," he whispered; "I feel so safe." His voice cracked, and Kurogane shook himself out of his reverie to lean down and kiss the blonde.
"You're so weird; only you'd feel safe after that."
"I know my Kuro-sama will protect me no matter what."
"You're a moron," the sophomore said thickly, "So… what's your deal?" Fai winced at the small glittering tears that rimmed the elder's eyes. He reached out, brushing them softly away, "Kuro-sama, come here," he murmured, pulling the elder down.
Kurogane laid down next to Fai, enveloping the blonde in his arms. Fai cuddled close, whispering soft assurances in his ear, kissing him gently.
The blonde was so sweet, and so adept at distracting him that Kurogane never once realized that Fai had never even answered his question.