Disclaimer: iCarly is not, nor has it ever been, nor shall it ever be – mine.

"C'mon, what college do you wanna go to?"

Carly shifted evasively, shrugging. "I don't know. I haven't decided yet."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought you would've decided years ago."

She smiled softly. "Things are different now. I have... other things to think about y'know?"

I should've pushed her, should've pressed the point, but I didn't. I knew the answer... Carly isn't the hardest nut to crack. I didn't want to know. I already knew that I... that I destroyed her dreams. I didn't want to realise that I destroyed her future as well. I just wanted to be happy, wanted everything to be okay, and asking questions isn't the way to get that. Ignorance is bliss, after all. I'm selfish at heart... I've proved that all along, and when it comes to Carly... I'm conflicted.

I've always had two paths I can take. One is the thing I should do, the other is the thing I want to do, and Carly is the only time those paths converged. It's hard to know what's right here. It... it was hard to know. But those paths have split again, and I'm stuck at the crossroads, and I just want things to stop. Just for a minute.

I sit in a bus shelter with my knees tucked up under my chin, shivering slightly from my damp clothes. I keep pulling out my phone, keep checking it. I keep waiting. I want to call her, want to hear her voice telling me that everything's gonna be okay, that it's just a dream and she's going to college and dragging me along with her somehow. I want so badly to call her... I can feel my fingers twitching, wanting to press the keys. But she wouldn't answer anyway.

I push my head into my hands, trying to block out the dull light filtering through the clouds. I try to make myself small and hidden, because it's too big out here, and I feel too open. I try and search my mind for any time I ever helped Carly. Ever did something for her that she couldn't have done herself. And maybe it's the weather, maybe it's me, but I just can't think of anything. I've always been the one who needed her, not the other way around. I'm always the one getting her in trouble, and she's always the one bailing me out. I don't... I don't know what she sees in me, I never have. All I've ever done is bring her down.

I scroll through my contacts, dialling. She picks up on the third ring. "Hey Annie, it's Sam."

"Hey! Cousin Sammy! How are ya?"

I smile grimly. There's a question. "Hey, can I stay you with you? Just for a night. I've got cash." I can hear Annie shushing people in the background.

"Sure thing. You remember where I live?" Annie gives me quick directions before hanging up, and I swirl them around in my head, seeing if it's short enough to walk. Annie's like me... a fuck-up. And I mean that in the best possible way. Melanie's the black sheep of our family; she's the only one who hasn't been arrested. I would've stayed with Annie after... after Steve, but for the fact that her parole prevented it. And she wasn't really the motherly type, more the cool cousin who lets you eat pot brownies and drive her car. Fun, but irresponsible. I couldn't hurt her if I tried.

I decide on the taxi, feeling a sickly excitement. Not because of Annie, no, but because what seeing her meant. It meant I could get fucked up, could forget for just a little while. And I know, I know, that that's not what I should be doing, that it's the last thing I should be doing, but I'm just so fucking tired, so fucking sick of it all. Of hurting people and having to care about it. I just don't want to care. I just want to numb everything, for just a little while. And if that makes me a bad person, then so what, I'm already a bad person. It's a drop in the ocean.

People think I'm so strong. That I don't feel anything. That I'm so narcissistic and overconfident to ever feel their insults. It's what I've tried to be. I've tried to be strong, and most of the time it's worked. Why should I care what people think? I don't. Carly's the only person I've never played those games with, never tried to impress in that way. She's the chink in my armour, the loose thread that's unravelling me. I can't do this. I can't keep feeling this way. I can't keep thinking about her constantly. It's like I'm nothing without her... I can't even think for myself without her.

Annie's apartment complex is rundown, graffiti scrawled everywhere, some of it my own. Annie taught me a lot growing up... how to pick a lock, how to break a bottle just right. She's what I'd be without Carly.

I can hear the music long before I reach her apartment, the bass throbbing through the thin walls. I push open the ajar door, a few people shuffling out of the way. I push past them, the waft of pot smoke and beer reaching my nostrils. It smells like home. Some of these people are Annie's clients... here to get tattoos or lounge around and talk about them, some are just strangers, friends of friends of friends. I find Annie finally, relaxed on a couch, her feet propped up on a coffee table, beer bottle in hand. She gets up when she sees me, grinning broadly. "Sammy! How are ya babe?" She pulls me into a hug, and I can feel the hard curves of the bottle pressing between my shoulder blades. She pulls back, studying me. "I mean it. How are ya kiddo?"

I make a non-committal gesture. I force a smile onto my face. "So are you gonna offer me a beer, or do I have to steal one?"

She grins, snapping her fingers at one of the guys standing around. "Hey, Pedro, move your ass and get my cousin a drink." She pulls me down onto the couch, the material rough and lumpy. The Shay's, it is not. "What goes on Sam? How's Carly?"

I catch the beer Pedro tosses at me, slamming to bottle cap off on the coffee table. The smell of it makes me sick, but I take a long draught anyway. "I got kicked out."

Annie snorts, looking at me with something like pride on her face. "How'd you do that?"

I take another long swig, staring straight through Annie. "I fucked her."

Annie stares at me for a few moments. "Seriously?"

I nod simply, tracing my fingers over the chill bottle, the condensation wrinkling my fingertips. Annie's eyes narrow. "You love her?"

I swallow the last mouthful of beer, slamming it down on the table. "Hey! Pedro, keep 'em coming." I turn back to Annie. I know she already knows, we're partners in crime. Hell, we're accessory to more things than I can remember. But I know she wants to hear me say it. "Yeah. I do."

Annie smiles slightly, taking a swig of her beer and turning away. "Bummer."

I feel what could almost be a smile, and a surge of relief. She understands. I know she does. I know because she's not asking questions, she's just nodding and accepting it. It's all I've wanted; not disbelief that I could feel anything, not anger that I've hurt her. Just acceptance. Just understanding. I can tell she doesn't think any differently of me than when I first got here, and it's the one time I've been glad of apathy. I mean, she cares about me, but she's apathetic about circumstances. I could throw a bottle through her window, I could set her apartment on fire and she wouldn't give a fuck. I know, I've done both those things.

A comfortable silence hangs between us, broken only by Pedro's gracious tossing of the beer bottle, foam spilling over the top when I slam the cap off. Annie turns back to me as I take my first chill sip. "It's been too long Sammy. Come on, it's time to party." She stands, holding her hand out to me and tossing her empty bottle on the carpet.

I didn't come here for help. I didn't come here to work things out. I didn't come here to think. I came to forget. And sure, it's not high-minded, it's not mature, it's not dealing, but I'm so fucking sick of thinking. Thinking about her. Feeling like I can't live without her. I just wanna forget her, just for a little while. I take Annie's hand, licking the foam from my lips.

It's time to party.

A/N: I know what you're thinking – drugs are fun.

No, I'm kidding. I know y'all don't do drugs, 'cause you're all high on life!

Seriously though, once you get those insects off you, review.

I'll get started on the spiral that is the next chapter. Time to bust out the hard liquor.