Chapter XXI: Missing your Touch

Bass came into Miles' office to find him cooing at Ben, clearly ignoring his work. Miles cooing to anyone was an incredibly odd sight to witness, and for a second Bass felt as though he had just stepped into an alternate reality. He cleared his throat loud enough for Miles to snap out of it.

Miles looked up, clearly already aware of his brother's presence. "You got something to say, Bass?"

The blond man failed to conceal a smirk. "I never thought I'd ever see you so…." He searched for the right word "…grandfatherly". His grin grew wider still.

Miles stood up to settle Ben back in his crib, unsmiling. Weighing every word, he replied slowly: "Careful, Bass. You tell anyone you saw me like that and I will make sure Charlie knows your dirtiest secrets. I'm not joking."

Bass held up his hands in mock surrender. "You got me there. Charlie knowing all my bachelor secrets might hinder my future plans. Your secret's safe with me."

They worked for a few hours in the office, watching over Ben at the same time. He had just turned six months old. Charlie's milk was starting to run dry and she was about ready to do something else besides being a mother. The past six months had been a blur. Too many dirty diapers and too little sleep. Now that Ben was old enough, Charlie had agreed to have Ben watched by family members and nannies while she began a new personal project: becoming an army medic. But first, she had to get back into shape. Having Ben had not made her really fat, and breastfeeding him had taken care of any extra weight leftover. However, she had not run or carried anything heavier than a baby in a very long time. Physical training was a must. Miles and Bass didn't really understand why she wanted to train for this position in particular but they had agreed anyway. She had been getting a bit restless.

So, while Charlie was sweating bullets, Miles and Bass watched Ben. Later, they dropped him off with Rachel, who had been allowed weekly visits with her grandson. Nobody had ever seen Rachel so mollified by anything. She was known to eagerly await Wednesday afternoons.

Charlie's relationship with her family was becoming a bit less complicated. Miles had found his place in her life, mainly as her son's grandfather. Hearing that her mother was alive was different than seeing it with her own eyes. But she had eventually gotten over it. Ben had somehow glued the Matheson family back together. Every Sunday they took Ben to visit Danny's grave. Charlie brought him flowers every single time. She would never stop missing him.

For a few months, Charlie's relationship with Bass had taken a secondary place in her life. They acted mainly as parents. Sometimes she could see Bass glance at her with longing, but she never once made mention of it. Almost three months after Ben's birth she had been declared fit for physical activity. The healing process had lasted for longer than what was considered average. But Charlie had trouble looking at her own body. She didn't feel like herself, and didn't want to be touched by Bass. The situation made her sad, but she could not get over it. He had not seen her naked for some time and she felt sure he would not find her attractive once he did. Maybe she would feel better once she got back into shape.

Bass, on the other hand, felt taken aback by Charlie's behaviour. He did not really understand it. More than once, he had opened his mouth to ask her why but she had shut him down immediately by changing the subject. Right after Ben's birth, Bass had imagined that he would soon be proposing to Charlie. He had a ring hidden in a locked desk drawer. For now, he had held off on asking her to marry him. Taking such an important step felt wrong in the current state of their relationship. Ben had taken a few months to sleep through the night and Bass could not afford to be constantly sleep deprived, so they had started sleeping in separate bedrooms. Nevertheless, they were nice to each other in a platonic way. They started acting more like friends than lovers. This development was a common occurrence in old married couples with children: life got in the way. Intimacy and romantic love took a big step back. Bass resolved to do something to break the strange spell that had been cast over them. They could not go on like this forever. Tonight he would exceptionally ask Rachel to watch his son for the night. He wanted Charlie's full attention.

She came back to her room, her hair still wet from the shower, her entire body feeling incredibly sore. Her muscles screamed with every step she took. Surprisingly, she found Bass sitting on her bed, waiting for her. He had that puppy look in his eyes. Charlie felt bad at the way she treated him, as if he were a friend, or an ex with whom she acted friendly for the sake of a shared custody. To sum it up, they acted a bit like their relationship was over. Isn't that great? A voice in her head drawled sarcastically.

"Hey"

"Evening" she replied. Nightly visits were not really the norm lately.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed and she just stood there dumbly, not knowing where to put herself. The tension in the room was palpable.

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay" She felt dumber still.

"I don't really know what is going on between us, and, I guess I would like to understand what is happening here." He was carefully choosing his words. This was the serious conversation they had both silently dreaded for weeks.

Charlie wanted to sit comfortably. She could not stand there for hours.

"Could we sit?" she suggested in a low voice, showing the sofa and armchair by the fireplace.

So they sat, still not looking at each other directly.

She had to break the overpowering silence.

"I'm sorry, Bass."

He looked up, surprised. She really did look sad and apologetic.

"Why?"

"You are always the one chasing after me. Once again, I've pushed you away."

So she was conscious of it.

"But this time I didn't really chase after you. I don't know how we got to where we are today."

In truth, he also felt quite apologetic.

"At first, I was busy with Ben and exhausted. I still am, a bit. But, as time went on, I just couldn't take that step."

"Why couldn't you?" he dreaded the answer.

"I love Ben. I was already so damaged when he came. Now, I just don't recognize myself. You wouldn't either. No one would want to look at that."

A tear rolled down her face.

With one step, he took her face in his hands. He tilted it upward to look at her but her eyes looked away, refusing to meet his. She was fighting more tears.

He kissed her, still holding her face. She had no option but to accept it. He rested his forehead against hers.

They talked for a long time, well into the night. They didn't go further than kissing. Finally, they fell asleep on top of the bed covers, spooning. He loved her no matter how many scars she bore. He had made that very clear. Charlie needed to be reminded of that from time to time. He would help her feel better, and they would get back on track. Holding her again made him remember how much he had missed that sensation. Giving and getting affection was a big thing for Bass. Feeling her body against his and her soft breathing was almost like a drug.

Maybe he would ask her to marry him soon after all.