Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author's Notes: I don't own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes:

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather, tangledhair, and (for the "unspoiled reader reaction") randomactsofdouchebaggery.

We have reached ove 98,800 word and (holy crap) over 9,600 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 21 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 27-28). Also, I would like to note that the last half of this chapter was written back in late June/early July, when I thought it would be chapter 8 or 9, and that this whole fic would be about 35-40,000. Wow, how that little baby's grown, huh?

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter NC-17 for dub-con

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that's what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt's depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt's coping techniques work for you, that's great! Just please don't avoid getting help.

The Lucky One – Chapter 21: Taking a Chance

With our hearts in our hands,
Like loaded guns,
We're taking a chance,
We're the lucky ones,
The Lucky Ones – Brendan James

January 9, 2020

Kurt was worried. He was very worried, verging on frantic. It had all started when Lindsey asked if he knew where Blaine was.

"What do you mean? Isn't he in hair and makeup?"

"No, and he's not answering his phone. He should have been here 20 minutes ago."

Kurt grabbed his phone to call Blaine himself. The phone rang and then went to voice mail. He hung up and tried again, calling back three times before it went directly to voice mail. "His phone's been turned off, or it went dead." He felt his heart pounding, his breath shallow and difficult. "This isn't like him to be late. He, um, he probably got stuck… police action on the subway or something, right?" He looked at Lindsey pleadingly.

"Yeah, of course." She nodded quickly and gave him a quick hug. "That's probably it, and you know he's forgetful about plugging his phone in. He'll be here soon. I'm sure. But in the meantime, we should get Scott into hair and makeup. If Blaine's not here by the time they get done, we'll put Scott in costume to play Roger."

"Every understudy's dream, right?"

"Dahlia, wait!" Kurt called out as the dressing assistant reached for Blaine's Act 1, Scene 1 costume. "You'll need to get Scott's costume. They're not quite the same size."

"I was just getting the scarf and glasses for him." She motioned behind her. "He got the clothes to put on already."

"But he's also got the accessories with his costume. Scott's Roger wouldn't wear the royal blue scarf. He'd wear the plaid woven scarf. There are a few other changes – you'll see. It should all be in the bag on the costume hanger."

"Of course, I'm sorry." Dahlia said as she turned away.

"No no, it's okay." He sighed. He always got snappy with people when he was stressed out, and not knowing if Blaine was okay was stressing him out more than he cared to admit.

Santana looked up from where she was strapping into Mimi's shoes. "You really think their versions of Roger are that different?"

"Sure they are… Roger's got baggage, but how it comes across is influenced by the actor's baggage… oh god, I'm Blaine's baggage… and Scott plays Roger a little wilder, a little less guarded… plaid is too bold for the way Blaine plays him… "

He was talking almost absently, checking his phone three times during his explanation. He was getting more worried about Blaine now and was wondering if Trevin could handle the stage manager duties if he needed to leave.

"Hey," Santana stood and held his arm, waiting for him to look at her. "I'm worried too. I get it." He smiled and then her phone rang, startling them both. She checked it and glanced at him. "Unknown number."

Kurt felt his stomach drop.

"Hello? Blaine, where the hell are you? Are you all right?"

Kurt felt immediate relief, but was still a little tense until Santana nodded at him to say Blaine was all right.

"Wait, you got arrested?"

What?

"Oh, reporting what? …" Santana's eyes got huge and she put her free hand up over her mouth. "Oh god! Blaine, are you sure you're all right?"

"What happened?" He hated it when people interrupted, but he couldn't help himself.

Santana put her hand over the bottom of the phone and quietly said "he's okay, but he was mugged," before turning slightly and listening to Blaine. "Okay. Are you sure? I mean, we can get my understudy or something and… I'll tell her." She made a slight surprised squeak as she listened, then a low chuckle. "Yeah, that too. Be careful, sweetie."

Kurt could barely wait for them to disconnect before asking for details.

"He said two guys mugged him, and he thinks there was a gun. He gave them his wallet, phone, watch. That's why we couldn't reach him. He went to the police and he says it'll be a little bit, and then he's coming here."

That didn't make sense. "Why would he come here that late? He won't even make it by intermission if he's still filling out papers." Kurt was fidgeting with the measuring tape he'd absently grabbed from his quick-fix station, rolling it up into a little spiral as he talked.

Santana smiled at him. "He wants to see people, I guess? You know, scary situation, you want to be around people that make you calm or happy or something?"

"Right. Of course." Kurt grabbed a handful of his hair in a burst of nerves. God he was a wreck. "Are you sure he's okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine. I just need to go find Lindsey or Sara. He wanted me to tell them what happened," she turned away briefly and then looked back at Kurt. "He really is okay. Maybe you should have a drink of water and sit down for a minute."

"Yeah, I, uh…" He wasn't panicking, but he was having trouble thinking clearly. He reached for his water bottle as Santana stepped closer and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I know it's scary, but he called, and he said he's okay. He'll be here later, and Kurt? He said to tell you he'd be glad to see you." She smiled at what he knew must have been a dumbstruck expression.

"Thanks." She'd already walked away before he got around to saying it, but he'd tell her later. Now he just needed to breathe.

Blaine gripped the phone tightly, willing himself to stop shaking as he told Santana what had happened.

"Okay. Are you sure?" It was good just to hear a familiar voice, and Santana continued before he could answer her. "I mean, we can get my understudy or something and…"

"I'm sure, San. Just- make sure Sara knows what happened so she doesn't think I just flaked."

"I'll tell her."

"And tell Kurt…" Blaine paused, taking a breath, "tell him I," he heard Santana's reaction and realized that was not the way to do this. "No, just… tell him I'll be glad to see him when I get there."

Santana laughed gently as if she knew exactly what he wanted to say. "Yeah, that too. Be careful, sweetie."

"I will." He was visibly calmer by the time he hung up the phone, but he spent the next 40 or 50 minutes still in a bit of a daze. He answered questions, gazed at mug shots, filled out paperwork, and signed his statement, all the while thinking about Kurt.

Once the police finally determined he'd spent enough of his time there, Blaine realized he had no way to get to the theatre unless he walked. He just wanted to get there, to see Kurt. He thanked the officer profusely when he was offered a ride, since they knew he had no money or anything on him after the mugging. All he'd been able to think about when he saw the gun pointed toward him was that he wanted one more chance to tell Kurt he loved him. Blaine spent most of the ride to the theatre thinking about that, wondering if it would be a bad decision. He didn't want to scare Kurt away or make him feel pressured, but this, this day had made him think. If he could be threatened on the sidewalk in broad daylight, anything was possible. He couldn't stand the thought of Kurt not knowing…

"Hey, kid!" Blaine jerked his head up, realizing the officer had reached the front of the theatre and was waiting for him to get out.

"Sorry. Thanks." He climbed out of the car, heart pounding now that he was actually here and about to see Kurt. As he slowly walked around to the back of the building, he felt like the fear and nerves of the mugging were finally catching up with him now that he wasn't caught in the midst of it or the drone of filing a report. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Blaine opened the back door and slid into the darkness of the prop storage space.

As he worked his way toward the wings, he heard Rachel and Miki singing "Take Me or Leave Me" and thought about where Kurt would likely be during this part of the show. Before he could start looking, Santana came around the corner and smiled at him. "Your timing is perfect, sweetie. Trevin just took the bible from Kurt and we sent him to his studio to wait for you. He's been distracted." She pulled him in for a hug. "I'm glad you're here, and safe. Now go prove it to Kurt. I gotta run." She kissed him on the cheek and ran off for her next cue before Blaine could do more than mutter "thanks?" after her.

Blaine made quick time to the studio and was still a few feet from the doorway when he heard Kurt call out to him.

"Blaine?" Kurt's feet nearly flew out from under him as he rounded the door, and Blaine would remember until his dying day the way Kurt's eyes looked when they saw each other. "Oh god, Blaine." And Blaine started wondering if he was moving significantly slower than the rest of the world because again he couldn't speak or react before he was caught up in a hug. He couldn't tell which of them was trembling, or which of them was breathing in short bursts, but he could feel an urgency in this hug that he hadn't gotten from Santana. He held Kurt snugly, relishing the feel of having him so close, getting a new mental imprint of Kurt's shape and smell and feel just in case it was his last chance. He couldn't help but wonder, and maybe hope just a little, that Kurt was doing the same.

"It's okay. I'm here. I'm fine. I didn't get hurt or anything. Just… just scared. But look, I'm okay." He pulled his head back just enough to lock eyes with Kurt, not an easy task considering how tightly they were holding each other. Kurt met his eyes, though, and Blaine saw those swirls of blue and green and gold that always made him think of lightning-lit shorelines. He saw the smile in Kurt's eyes before he noticed it on his lips.

"I'm… I'm really glad you're okay." Kurt assured him. "I had a feeling, I just, you didn't answer your phone when I called and I knew something had to be wrong. God, Blaine, you're really okay?"

Blaine squeezed slightly and held Kurt's gaze steadily as he answered "I'm really okay," before pressing their foreheads together. "I'm really okay," he said again, more to himself than anything. He felt like he could always be okay if he could always have Kurt.

Blaine found himself challenged just a couple hours later when he and Kurt had parted ways and gone to their own homes. Of course, it was logical, it was expected. Why would they have done any differently? Maybe if they'd been dating, they would have stayed together, clung to each other all night, just grateful to still be there in each other's arms. But they weren't dating, so they'd hugged and smiled and said good night and now Blaine was sitting in his room wishing Kurt were there.

He grabbed his laptop hoping something online would distract him from being alone. He was feeling far too antsy to go to sleep yet. Blaine lost some time browsing his favorite news and entertainment sites and nearly jumped out of his skin when the computer chimed and a chat box popped up for Kurt.

Kurt: I know it's probably silly, but I kind of wish you were here right now. Just because, you know, nerves, and stuff.

He couldn't help it – just knowing Kurt was thinking that was enough to make him smile like a love-sick puppy.

Blaine: It's not silly. I was just thinking the same thing, actually. It's nice to know you're there. Reachable.

He watched nervously as Kurt typed a reply, especially when he saw the typing pause for a minute or two.

Kurt: Same here. I'm really glad you auditioned, Blaine.

Blaine couldn't hide his pleasure at that. Kurt was glad about their friendship, that they had reconnected. This was nothing but good.

Blaine: So am I. So very glad. And Kurt? Thank you.

Kurt: For what?

Blaine: Opening up to me… again. I know the anxiety makes it really hard to share with people, and I want you to know I appreciate that you're willing to share with me.

Kurt: I might not be able to say this in person, but I can type here that sometimes it's easier to share with you than anyone else, ever. Sometimes I feel like I have to concentrate so I don't share too much.

Blaine: There is no 'too much' for me, Kurt. I promise. You can share anything with me.

Kurt: I know. And thank YOU for that. You don't know what it means to me.

Blaine: I think the day is catching up with me now. I'm really beat. Thanks for chatting. It helped me relax. Want to meet for coffee tomorrow, 10:00?

Blaine: Actually, make it 10:30 so I can pick up a replacement phone first.

Kurt: Sounds good. See you there. Good night, Blaine.

Blaine: Good night, Kurt.

Blaine: Oh by the way, I'm really sorry I couldn't answer when you called me.

Kurt: Seriously, Blaine? It doesn't count as breaking a promise when the reason you didn't answer is that your phone was stolen in a mugging!

Kurt: But it's sweet of you to apologize for it anyway.

Blaine: I love you

"Shit!" He hadn't meant to type that. He'd done so well all night, despite his fears and his racing thoughts and his heightened emotions, and now when they were about to say goodnight, now his fingers decide to ramble off what he'd tried so hard not to say. He sat with his hands over the keys, waiting, wondering if he should add to it, apologize for it, repeat it? No, definitely don't repeat it. Not now. That would just be dumb. Instead he just sat there, staring at the computer screen, trying not to count the seconds between the little "Kurt is typing…" messages, trying not to stress about how long it was taking Kurt to formulate a response to him. It could mean anything, and Blaine didn't want to imagine possible responses because he was so afraid of getting a negative one.

Finally, more than three and a half minutes later, the message popped up.

Kurt: I love you too.

Well, that may have taken some time for Kurt to type – and he couldn't help but wonder what Kurt might have typed and erased – but it was good, and Blaine determined that he was going to accept it for what it was (reassurance from a friend after a scary event) and not dwell on what it "might be" or what he wished it was.

Kurt: And now, good night.

Blaine: Good night.

February 2, 2020

They'd managed to put a lot of things behind them and act like friends again. Not that it was an act – there was nothing false about their friendship (unless you count unresolved sexual tension that's never really acknowledged to be a falsehood). Kurt had worried about what would happen after the cast party… but they'd been very calm about it and he found he was more and more relaxed around Blaine now. They had an understanding, and there was no pressure. Since their talk after Christmas, and especially since the mugging that scared them both more than they wanted to admit, they got together for coffee, texted, talked at work, saw each other socially. Kurt was starting to get comfortable with the idea that they had really become friends again. He didn't know what might come from here, but at least he had Blaine as his best friend. This particular Monday, while the theatre was dark, they'd decided to spend the afternoon together. They met at Gray's Papaya, Kurt trying not to let on just how much he adored the cheap hot dogs.

They wandered toward the park, toward the Shakespeare Garden, Kurt's favorite area. He loved the details in the benches and bridges, the curved stone stairway with the rustic wooden railing, the variety of plants, some of which were starting to bloom now. Kurt offered a silent smile to one of the plaques posted. He loved how much creative energy there was in this garden, and how peaceful it was with its Quiet Zone designation and fewer visitors than other areas. As they walked along one of the paths toward the theatre, they were both silent for a few minutes, just enjoying the afternoon. Kurt pulled his jacket closer in front, grateful for the extra layer as this had proven to be a slightly cool day, but not bad for February.

Kurt jumped and yelped as a very large beetle, unusual for this time of year, flew out of a tree and nearly hit him in the face. It fell to the ground and sat still for a moment, possibly stunned, though Blaine imagined it was pondering its next move. It fluttered its wings showing a flash of blue-green and started walking across the path. When Kurt jumped, Blaine had reacted on instinct, stepping partially in front of him to wrap Kurt in his arms protectively. They didn't realize until after the beetle started walking that they were still holding each other.

"Didn't you wear that broach at graduation?" Blaine gestured toward the thing with his head and smiled at Kurt as they both laughed at the absurdity. Kurt pretended to look offended but he was smiling a little too much.

After a just a moment, Kurt stepped back, looking down and pulling in on himself. It was only then, when Kurt's posture suddenly struck a chord, reminiscent of a few months ago when they'd first met again, that Blaine realized just how much Kurt had changed. Seeing his anxiety manifest in his mannerisms showed Blaine just how relaxed Kurt had been since Christmas – with the obvious exception of the night of the mugging. Over the past few months, Kurt had regained his tall, proud posture and open body language, but now he looked like he wanted to disappear.

Thinking about their conversation, Blaine suspected Kurt's sudden anxiety was because of their past. They'd been so busy getting to know each other again and just being happy spending time together that they hardly spoke of the past at all. The mention of graduation must have reminded Kurt of everything that followed it, including their breakup, including whatever – whoever – led to their breakup.

"Kurt…" He hesitated, nervous about bringing this up, but he felt it was necessary. "Can I ask you something? Something… important?"

Kurt sighed and nodded. "Sure. I had a feeling it was about that time." He gave Blaine a little smile as they walked over to a nearby bench and sat down together.

Blaine looked around restlessly, making sure they had privacy and quietly psyching himself up for it. "Could you please tell me why you broke up with me? I know we're just friends now, but I… I'd really like to know what happened."

Kurt looked at the ground and took a couple slow breaths. Blaine thought maybe he was trying to stay calm, and hoped he hadn't made Kurt angry with his question. He just couldn't shake the feeling that it was the same thing making Kurt act different, the same thing keeping them apart if he was reading Kurt's unspoken feelings right. Finally, Kurt looked up, searching Blaine's eyes, for what – Blaine didn't know, but he just waited, patiently, openly. Kurt seemed to find what he was looking for because he nodded decisively, closed his eyes, inhaled deeply, and started to speak.

"I was at this party, for work, and I had a couple drinks and was talking to this guy, Brad. He started talking to me about clothes and stuff, I think he was hoping I could get him a modeling gig, but then we were dancing. I … god, Blaine, I can't really tell you this. You don't want to hear this."

"I need to know, Kurt. Whatever happened, I need to know. It's been eating me alive for seven years. Please tell me why." Blaine looked at Kurt, raising his chin with one finger and covering Kurt's hand with his own. "I know it's in the past. It's over. I don't want to get upset about it, or have it cause more problems now. I just want to know what it was. I … I need to know what I did so I can avoid it if I'm ever that lucky again."

Kurt swallowed hard and whispered, "You didn't do anything, Blaine. That's why I had to break up with you."

"Kurt, that doesn't make any sense."

"I know, but it would if you knew, and I'd rather it not make sense to you."

"You're talking in riddles now. I promise, I won't get upset about it or take it personally."

Kurt took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and quickly rattled out the words like they were poison. "I was with someone at that work party, and I couldn't face you, or anyone, really, so I just pulled away. I've only ever told that to Tom and Lindsey."

Blaine sighed. It didn't hurt as much as he'd thought it would, and yet it hurt more than it should have, and before he could get lost in trying to figure that out, he focused his attention on Kurt. Kurt was perched on the edge of the bench, as if getting ready to run away. He felt Kurt's hand clench under his and heard the increase in his breathing rate. He instinctively reached up to run his hand soothingly across Kurt's shoulders. "Hey, Kurt, it's okay. Look, I – I kinda figured there was someone else. I'm not mad, there's nothing to be afraid of. I had a long time to deal with my feelings, you know? I mean I hate the idea that you, that… but you didn't, like, see someone behind my back for years, you know? I just want to know why? What was wrong with us? If I was too boring for you, or not as good looking as the models, or whatever, I just want to know. I love that we're friends again, Kurt. You're still my best friend, and I don't want to lose that, ever again. Hell, in the spirit of full disclosure, I'd like us to be together again, but, Kurt, it's like, sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to explode, like I'm just suddenly going to lose you again, and it's hard to not believe that when I don't know what took you out of my life the first time."

Kurt took a few deep breaths as Blaine spoke and finally looked up to meet his eyes near the end. It was that tiny hint of amusement in Kurt's eyes that made Blaine realize he was rambling. It also made him realize he was quickly falling in love harder than ever. And he'd have to think about that later because Kurt was finally talking to him.

"It wasn't you at all, Blaine. I didn't want him!" That got Blaine's attention in a worrisome way.

"Kurt?" He reached out, thinking surely Kurt didn't mean it like it sounded.

"Look, I made some stupid choices, and I was weak and it was wrong. If you really want to know why I cheated, I'll try to tell you, but you have to just let me explain the whole thing before you interrupt me." He was talking quickly, like if he didn't get this out now, it could get stuck. "I – I've never talked to anyone about it. It was just… I knew I was wrong, and I screwed up and had to let you go, and I knew it would suck, but talking about it wouldn't make it any better. I mean, even the little bit I've talked about with Tom or Lindsey, that didn't happen until the last few months, after we met again. Hell, I tried not to think about it for years. I'm – I'm ready to tell you. I've been thinking about it anyway, but… it's not … look, I don't really know what I'm going to say, but if you want to know, then you have to be ready to hear."

Blaine stayed silent, but gave Kurt a nod to let him know that he was ready.

November 2, 2012

Kurt wasn't quite sure how he ended up in the dimly lit and relatively quiet bedroom. He could still hear the party going on in the rest of the house, and he was fairly certain he heard Elaine's distinctive laugh not far from the bedroom door. The guy standing with him (Bill? Brian? He thought it started with a B, anyway) was reaching for his cup, and Kurt decided he had probably had enough to drink, though he was pretty sure that was only his second one. 'They must be mixing the drinks strong tonight' he thought as he released the cup to … Ben? Brendon? Bruce? Definitely not Blaine.

"I think I should go," he started to move toward the door but the guy must have put their drinks down when Kurt wasn't looking and he now had Kurt trapped between his arms and the closet door. "I'm sorry, um… B…randon?"

"Brad, and there's nothing to be sorry for sweetcheeks." Brad grinned at him and began running one hand up and down Kurt's bicep. Kurt shivered a little at the contact, surprised at just how much he felt it.

"No, really, Brad." He wanted to make sure to remember that. It would be rude to not remember the guy's name so soon after being told again. "I – I have to get going."

"Nah, the party's just getting started." That hand went slowly back up Kurt's bicep, across his shoulder, and began gently caressing at the juncture of his neck and collarbone. Kurt couldn't stop the sharp intake of his breath, and before he realized it, he was closing his eyes and leaning into the touch just a little bit. "That's it, just relax and enjoy it," Brad whispered just before his lips followed his fingers. Kurt keened at the touch and felt his blood start to race as he became intently aware of the kisses down the side of his neck and brushing the top of his collarbone.

"Blai… Blaine!"

"No, Brad. But you keep moaning like that and you can call me anything you want."

Kurt opened his eyes and tried to stand straighter, tried to move toward the door again. "No, I mean - I have a boyfriend, his name is Blaine." He hoped he could get Brad to listen, to move back and stop confusing him like this. He didn't want anyone but Blaine. He couldn't understand why he was reacting like this, but he felt more turned on than he had in a very long while. He missed Blaine, and this guy's curly hair felt like Blaine's. It wasn't the right shade, Brad's was more auburn than brown, but it felt the same and when had he started feeling this guy's hair anyway? Kurt pulled his hand back quickly, but somehow Brad caught it and started pressing kisses along the inside of his arm, flicking his tongue over the sensitive inner crease of Kurt's elbow. Kurt was barely aware of the tiny whimper he let out then. "Why does everything feel so good?"

He heard Brad mumble something about "not replacing your boyfriend, but he's not here right now" and "enjoy the ex, it makes everything better," and Kurt couldn't understand what Brad's ex-boyfriend had to do with it. He'd tried to ask, but Brad was kissing him then and he was so caught in the tangle of "not-Blaine-not-Blaine-stop-stop-not-Blaine" and "oh-my-god-this-is-so-amazing-and-how-hot-is-this-yes-please-there-again-guh" that he had no room for other thoughts. He moaned slightly when Brad gripped his ass and squeezed.

February 2, 2020

Kurt stopped talking and gazed off into the distance, as if lost in the rest of those memories. Blaine thought about what he'd heard and decided he had to ask a few questions, to hopefully ease his fears.

"Kurt, I want you to know that I'm still here for you, I don't think you're a bad person and I don't hate you, okay?"

"Okay" Kurt's voice was barely above a whisper and Blaine had never seen him look this way. He looked completely disgusted with himself, pulled in, avoiding any contact or openness, scowling as he spoke like he hated himself. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get too detailed…"

"Sshhhh, it's okay. I mean, you didn't really, you just kinda trailed off. I'm sorry if my questions are upsetting you, but there's something important I need to ask." Blaine rested a hand on Kurt's forearm and gave a little squeeze. "Does this mean you broke up with me because you found someone else?"

"No!" Kurt looked up, wide-eyed as he denied that. "No, he wasn't… it wasn't someone else… it was just that night. I didn't want… I mean, I didn't… I wasn't with him."

"And you said the drinks were strong?"

"I guess they were. I remember having two drinks, and I didn't even finish the second one, after he took it, when… in the room."

"And you asked why everything felt so good?"

"I was thinking it. I guess I said it. Why do you want these details? Isn't it bad enough that I cheated on you? Do you really want me to tell you all about it? Would you have liked to see pictures, too?" Kurt was getting snippy, and Blaine still thought he knew Kurt well enough to know that meant he was really beating himself up right now. But there was one more question, and he hoped he was wrong about it.

"Kurt, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to ask for those kinds of details, but you said he told you about some X? Have you told your therapist about this?"

"What? No, it never came up in therapy. I mean, not the details. And yeah, he said something… I don't know, I was confused. I was thinking of you." His head dropped back down in shame and he muttered so quietly Blaine had to strain to hear him. "Thinking that I didn't even want it. That sex isn't worth it without the love. That sex isn't worth it without you. I didn't even want it, so why did I do it?"

"Kurt, honey, did you tell him no?"

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, and a tear dropped from the left one. He shook his head no. "I wanted to, but I kept forgetting because it felt so… good, hot, exciting. When he wasn't touching me I wanted to be with you, but whenever he touched me I just wanted more because it… I can't explain it."

"You said everything felt really, really good and you felt like your skin was way more sensitive than normal? Like you were just really happy and music was more intense and textures were more pleasing?"

"Um, yeah." Kurt looked confused now, and Blaine felt his heart lurch in his chest as the pieces clicked into place.

"Oh god, baby. Oh god." Blaine pulled Kurt to him, holding him tightly and whispering soothing sounds.

"I don't understand." Kurt pushed against Blaine, trying to pull away just a little, but still too ashamed to make eye contact. "I tell you I cheated on you, and you try to comfort me?"

Blaine sat straighter, pulling one of Kurt's hands out from where he had it tucked tightly under his other arm. He held that hand, running a thumb over the back of it. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and every time he thought about what he'd just pieced together he thought he might lose his lunch. He took a deep breath and reached out to touch Kurt's cheek with his free hand.

"I need you to look at me." He waited until Kurt made eye contact. This was quite possibly the hardest thing Blaine had ever had to do. "Kurt, I… Okay, I'm just going by what you said, okay? The way you told me what happened. And what you said was that you wondered why everything felt so good and he said 'enjoy the X.' "

"Yes, Blaine. I don't know why his…" something flickered in Kurt's eyes then, a sudden shift in his understanding, and Blaine saw his eyes turn slightly darker and wider, saw his breathing speed up, felt his hand tighten. "He wasn't talking about an ex-boyfriend, was he?"

"I don't think so, Kurt." He was almost relieved that Kurt realized it himself. He didn't know what to say. But before he could move into what he expected would be the next phase of this, Kurt was pulling his hand away.

"It doesn't matter. I still… I still did that. I cheated on you. I didn't want you to know because I hoped someday maybe we could be friends again, and I know you could never forgive that. I didn't think I'd ever do that, but after how upset you were about Chandler, I… I just couldn't tell you. I'm sorry."

Blaine took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Kurt, wait. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Blaine, I was there. I know what I… what I did, and…" He pressed his lips together, blinking quickly as if trying to fight back more tears. "And what I let him do."

Blaine grabbed Kurt by the shoulders then, lovingly but firmly forcing them into a face-to-face position. "Kurt, listen. He drugged you. Without your consent. Without your knowledge. And then he took advantage of you when you were not yourself. That's not cheating, Kurt." He took in a jagged breath as Kurt finally looked him in the eye. His voice broke as he forced himself to finish. "That's rape."