Journeying
On the day of their journey back to Hogwarts, getting ready to leave wasn't the hard thing. Nor was finally stepping outside of the dingy and dusty abode he had spent the last few weeks in at all difficult. No, the hardest thing for Draco that day was how Harry was ignoring him, though he was pained to admit it. It was because of Harry's most recent infuriating behaviour that he realised how connected they had been over the summer. He found himself physically knowing the absences of Harry's green eyes looking over at him, over the breakfast table or the chess board or his even his bedside, and their conversations that had shortened the hours. Harry had always been communicating with him in some way.
It's his bloody fault that I miss all that Draco thought sullenly as they were driven in the Ministry car (he'd never been in a car before – what a strange yet intriguing Muggle contraption) to the train station. Yet it was all too easy to pass the blame. He had to admit that he had played his part in the whole fiasco. He had been the one to ask Harry to stay with him – partly through desperation for company and the comfort of someone else being there, partly because he had wanted to – and he had not refrained from touching Harry when the tempting whim of his errant compulsions suggested it. Like the hug or the bloody handholding.
Yet ambiguous touch was one thing, full blown confessions of affection quite another.
Trust him to be so rash about it he thought, both disapproving and a little bit envious that Harry could speak so directly about something so personal, and now he's going to drown in the aftershock and humility hoping that the whole thing will go away. He would not have expected something like that before from Harry, who always seemed to be facing up to things and never leaving anything unfinished, but he could clearly see it in the other boy's averted eyes, his body turning away, the way he moved just to lengthen the distance. He wanted the whole thing to go away. In a way it was disappointing, in another relieving.
Under the avalanche of habitual denial, disapproval, embarrassment, disappointment… desire and excitement were buried and trying to fight their way out. For now Draco knew the feeling was mutual and, to his sadistic streak's joy, Harry did not! Finally he felt like he was one step ahead again and not lagging behind in confusion and mortification – just like Harry still was now. Yet, there was a purer core to this excitement, white hot and gleaming: nobody had admitted that kind of feeling to him before, not with so much honesty. The emotionally starved part of him coveted and protected the warmth that the words had brought him.
Although these epiphanies were slightly tarnished by the thought of how awkward the upcoming Hogwarts Express journey would be, due to the devised seating plan. Draco would soon have to put on the Invisibility Cloak that had been silently given to him that morning by Harry himself (to Draco's secret delight it even smelt a little bit like Harry) and then would travel to Hogwarts in it in a compartment with his confederates of the Golden Trio. Granger and Weasley would have their prefect duties – Draco had voluntarily resigned, thinking that he would not be a very effective prefect any longer – but would set out after everybody else had settled into compartments so there would be less chance of anybody else trying to sit with the alone looking Harry so that they could draw the blinds and Draco could have some time to eat and get changed without other students getting mightily confused about it.
Leaving he and Harry alone in the compartment for about an hour if not longer. Harry, who wouldn't even say a word to him or look at him.
What fun that will be!
Why don't you tell him how you feel so he's not so awkward around you anymore?
A Malfoy doesn't talk about feelings.
You humans are too prideful.
Draco then blocked the wolf's voice out, that or it had given up talking to him. He tried to summon what he called the Voice of Malfoy, which sounded uncannily like his father, reminder of all values and rules Malfoy. Yet it wouldn't come with any pearls of wisdom. He resumed glaring at the back of Harry's head instead, which was thoroughly freaking out Weasley, who happened to be sitting next to him. Draco found that he didn't care.
***
As Harry had surmised, since the very second after he had blurted out how he felt, the day spent travelling to school was not the usual calm fun of the train journey, not as terrifying as when the train was held up by Dementors, nor as exciting as crashing into the Whomping Willow via Ford Anglia. If anything it was a day of excruciating embarrassment with small amounts of eventfulness thrown in to intersperse it, just in case Harry was getting bored of each current level of mortification and wanted more.
He had spent the entire car journey determined not to succumb to temptation and turn around to see the look of disgust and ridicule on Draco's face that he was sure would be there (he just hadn't given himself enough time to see it before fleeing Draco's room the night before.) Then had come running through the barrier to Platform 9 ¾ and, according to the plan they were to follow on pain of death glare by Mrs. Weasley, Draco was to run through it by Harry's side and then stay with him right up until they arrived at school.
The run through the barrier exposed them to a busy world of colour, sound and more robes than they had seen all summer. Harry noticed the fabric-covered hand that came to hold his wrist, he noticed it painfully, but said nothing about it. He would have just looked like a lunatic talking to himself anyway.
Then the farewells. The twins had even come to send them off, both giving Harry a hearty slap on the back and sending identical grins and waves to the thin air they knew Draco to be hiding in. Nobody could contain their laughter when a woman, clearly startled, waved back warily before walking away, very quickly.
Harry had technically received two goodbyes from Mrs. Weasley, though one had been meant for Draco. His had been the standard bear hug and long list of all possible hazards to his physical and mental wellbeing and ways to fight them. Then Draco's.
"This is to Draco," her eyes flickered almost imperceptibly to Harry's right, where Draco stood close, as she spoke quietly, "but I want it to look like I'm talking to you, Harry. I'll keep it short – remember everything I have taught you, it'll help in the long run. Remember that you're a strong person and you can endure. But, most importantly, remember that there are people who love you." Then she smiled, all traces of seriousness evaporating, "Off you go then! You don't want to miss the train…"
With Draco's hand still determined fastened onto his wrist like a clutching bracelet (Harry wondered futilely if Draco would have done the same if he had been visible, or put on a brave sneer) he started pull along his trunk again and got onto the handsome scarlet steam train that greeted him with its constant whirring and a high-pitched whistle that was in now way grating on his ears, which had been waiting for the familiar sound.
Ron flanked Harry to the left and Hermione walked in front of where she knew Draco to be, who stuck close and slightly behind Harry on his right. It was an odd procession, to say the least, and with every step they were in danger of Draco bumping into someone. Harry had barely any time to greet anybody else, including Neville holding a flailing Trevor and a dreamily waving Luna, before Hermione pulled him and subsequently Draco into an inconspicuous looking compartment and Ron hurriedly drew the privacy curtains.
"There," Hermione said triumphantly, "at least nobody bumped into Draco. That's the trickiest part over with." She even brushed her hands together, as if she had been putting up shelves instead of guarding somebody in an invisibility cloak. She turned to Ron after a few minutes. "We need to get on with prefect duty now, or people will start looking for us." Without further word, only an apologetic glance from Ron, they were gone.
Very slowly and reluctantly, Draco pulled off the encompassing invisibility cloak. "Here," he said quietly and threw it lightly in Harry's direction, who watched its strange shimmering fabric floating through the air for a moment before catching it and gripping onto it, bringing it closer to his chest as if for protection. A distant part of his brain registered the scent of Draco. Not knowing what to do, he kept on looking at the iridescent material, feeling it slip through his fingers as he moved it.
***
Draco said nothing more, though the poignant silence was calling for his voice, and sat down with a sigh that didn't escape his lips. He stared at the dark curtains, wishing that at least they could be open so he could have focussed on the students milling about outside and bashing their trunks into each other's. Nothing moved in the little compartment, just two frantically beating hearts.
He heard Harry sit down from the small whump of the seat. Then he heard Harry's trunk opening with a leathery creak and something being extracted from inside it. The turning of pages.
Damn, Draco thought to himself, I wish I had brought a book in my robes pocket, at least. I'm going to be terribly bored.
A sliding sound stopping by his thigh made him pause in thought and look down. A book lay by his side, an old Quidditch annual by the looks of it. He kept his smile to being on the inside. So Harry wouldn't talk to him, but would still pass him books to keep him entertained? He picked it up by the worn cover and began to read it, not in his usual way of flicking through, but absorbing its every word. He had to make it last.
***
Sometimes Hermione wondered why she liked being a prefect. One such time was this, trying to stop two bickering Gryffindor fourth year girls from trying to hex each other's faces off mid-argument. Ron was even looking too amused by the insults – "You're fat!" "You're ugly!" "Yeah, well you're fat and ugly!" – to even help.
She was momentarily distracted by the sight of two blurs out of the corner of her eye. She could have groaned aloud when she worked out what they were – Luna and Neville, who looked like they were heading straight towards the compartment that Harry and Draco occupied.
"I swear Harry was here…" she heard Neville's voice float over to her ears, "Let's knock just in case."
She would have stopped them if one of the fourth years hadn't actually decided to hex the other girl's eyebrows to grow at an astonishing rate straight over her face. She had other work to do and Ron was too busy laughing to notice anything. Yes, it was an annoyance, this prefect business.
***
They had been reading for a fair few minutes in mutual silence when a knock came on the door. They both erupted in a flurry of panicked movement, the quite truce temporarily forgotten.
"The cloak! The cloak!" Draco hissed urgently, hands outstretched, as Harry fumbled in his pocket hurriedly and pulled out the desired object. He handed it to Draco who, in a gracious movement, managed to quickly throw the material over him in a plume of glittering grey and then absolutely nothing as he turned invisible once again.
"Come in," Harry said, evidently trying to sound calm. Draco had a strange urge to poke him and see if he'd jump clean out of his skin by the frozen look of alarm on his face. When Loony Lovegood and Longbottom came in, Draco could have cursed if he didn't remember to remain silent. Obviously he was destined to have a weird day today.
"Hullo," Longbottom said in his cheerful idiot's voice and Loony waved at Harry even though he was only a few metres away from her. Harry nodded at them both, relaxing his face even though Draco could see that the sinewy muscles in his exposed forearms were tensed, and gestured at the seats the other side of him to where Draco was sitting so they would sit down there. Draco had to admit then that Harry wasn't wholly useless.
Then they started an inane conversation that Draco could hardly be bothered to keep up with as it made his brain feel like wilting with every word. He yearned for the Quidditch annual only inches away from his right hand, but knew it was too much of a risk to grab it, even around such idiots.
At one point their conversation did turn to something interesting, something that Draco in fact found infinitely amusing.
"So what subjects are you taking this year, Harry?" Neville asked and Harry listed off his, which Draco already knew. Then Harry returned the question – Neville immediately looked downtrodden, a look that Draco thought suited him best.
"Well, my grades aren't really up to much apart from in Herbology, so I'm going to take that. I'm hoping that maybe I can take Transfiguration as well, but I don't know… I'm definitely not doing Potions anymore though!" He then smiled, "No more Snape!"
"Agreed," said Harry with a matching smile. Draco supposed he should feel offended by them talking badly of Severus, but he was just too distracted by the smile that he hadn't dared to admire so openly and unabashedly until now, under the cloak.
"Speaking of which," Neville added, "I really, really hope I don't have any classes with Malfoy this year. That git never made things any easier."
Draco could have laughed aloud; he really could have, but just managed to keep it in. It was interesting to think that he had made such an impression of fear on somebody. Under the laughter, a place that from today he had locked up again, it made him feel a bit sick.
Harry didn't look at all amused. He scowled, so all thoughts of perfunctory amusement learned from a young age were wiped out in Draco's mind by the disappointment that was far too easy to rise through the barriers nowadays. Harry wasn't nearly as attractive when he scowled.
"Yeah, he really was a git to you, Nev. I hope that improves now that we're older." An imperceptible look to his left and Draco felt much more sober, not to mention annoyed. The tenacity, telling him off like that!
Neville looked dubious at Harry's comment. "I think he'll be just as scary, to be honest." Then he blinked as a thought appeared to enter his little head. "Oh, that's right, I was meant to get something off Seamus that I left behind last year – I'm going to go find him. See you at the feast, Harry!" Neville clumsily picked up his trunk and began to wheel it out of the compartment. Luna soon followed him, muttering something about Nargles. She left behind a copy of the Quibbler for Harry to peruse.
***
As soon as Luna and Neville had gone what appeared to be thin air burst into laughter. Harry could feel anger, hot and unforgiving, bubbling inside him. It was the reaction he had expected, but it was still annoying.
Draco whisked off the cloak. "Longbottom's actually scared of me? Seriously? He has less backbone than I thought!" He shook his head, a sneer plastered on his face. It was a hard sight to see in the light of how many beautiful expressions Harry had seen on his face of late. A cold, hard sneer was so far removed from who he thought Draco really was. Perhaps he was wrong about him after all.
That was what made him break the silence he had imposed on them due to his own embarrassment, because he wouldn't hear someone talk about his friend like that. "You think that's funny, do you? Well I don't, so shut up."
Draco raised his eyebrows at him. "So it speaks?" Though Harry could have sworn that he looked… worried? What the hell is going on with him?
"Yes, it fucking well does." Harry was in full rage mode now, a place he had not been for a while. "You know, I thought you weren't really like that underneath it all, not just some sarcastic bastard who enjoys others' suffering. But when I see you act like this it's hard to believe that you're not exactly that."
Draco did something he rarely ever did – he looked away. "Today has been a tough day." Was all he said. Harry knew that it made sense, Draco was resorting back to making fun of others to try and feel less nervous himself, but that didn't make it acceptable.
"That doesn't make it acceptable," Harry echoed his mind, "When things get tough don't take it out on others. Do something constructive instead."
Draco scoffed. Oh great, now I'm getting life advice. He still couldn't stop asking, "Like what?"
"Talk to someone about it." Was the first thing that sprung into Harry's head, his voice still forceful and irritated until he told himself to calm it down.
Draco scoffed again. "Are you aware of how mushy you're sounding? You should apply to have your own advice column… for desperate and lonely middle-aged women."
"My point still stands," Harry said determinedly. And he knew they both knew that Harry was referring to himself as the person Draco talked to, even though neither of them said it aloud. Harry tried and failed not to attribute this personally to the fact that he wanted to still see Draco once they were back at school, even if it would probably be uncomfortable from what Draco knew about Harry's rampant feelings that just wouldn't go away.
"Okay," Draco said and he could have been agreeing to something as trivial as a cup of tea by the tone of his voice. They reverted from open confrontation back into silence in a matter of moments. Somehow Harry found he preferred it when they had been talking, even if he had shouted a bit.
It felt like a long time had passed before Ron and a harassed looking Hermione returned to the compartment.
A/N: It's been a long time, ne? It's not like I have block or anything, I want to write, but I'm afraid Real Life has me constantly on my feet recently. Hence the tragic shortness (but I really wanted a train journey chapter :D) In the hopes of making up for it...
Crack Moment of Concern no. 4: Yet ambiguous touch was one thing, full blow jobs quite another.
Crack Moment of Concern no. 5: He had spent the entire car journey determined not to succumb to temptation and ravish Draco there and then in the car infront of Hermione and the Weasleys. (Oh, if only *sigh*)
Crack Moment of Concern no. 6: ...before Hermione pulled him and subsequently Draco into an inconspicuous looking compartment and Ron hurriedly drew the privacy curtains before they all proceeded to have a glorious gangbang. (Ew. Why do I even think this stuff?)
Crack Moment of Concern no. 7: He heard Harry sit down from the small whump of the seat. Then he heard Harry's trunk opening with a leathery creak and something being extracted from inside it. The crack of a whip.
Crack Moment of Concern no. 8: A sliding sound stopping by his thigh... (that just sounds cracky on its own terms really. I bet you were all hoping for hardcore porn, but no! A Quidditch Manual! XD)
Crack Moment of Concern no. 9: He yearned for his penis, only inches away from his right hand, but knew it was too much of a risk to grab it, even around such idiots.
I had more, honestly. I'm so weird.
Now to my grateful wittering :D firstly Imperial Mint (I really wish Lovely Man-Love Time was a real time of day. I'd be there with bells on. Yeah, the Viola is annoying after a while :) hence why I gave up... and I love uber long reviews! ^^) Horsegirl7 (Aww, Sevvy, he's just such a cutie. More Crack moments in this chapter, that's for sure :P) Merthurtilidie (Yes, they are giant wimps. But we love them really :D) Yana5 ('Course he does! :D) yAoI-tEnShI1412 (Aww, cut Harry some slack, he can't help being a Gryffindork, it's in his nature XD or, well, my characterisation, whichever) Wolfewood (Thank you so much! I am chuffed. I also really wish that Draco was real... *sigh* he'd be so lovely.) egoXlockheart (Waaah! I just saw Alice in Wonderland today! I want to fall down a rabbit hole and slay a jabberwocky. That or just BE the cheshire cat, because he's awesome. And yep, finally something on the lovin' side of things XD haha) ennui deMorte (Merci beaucoup! Je deteste l'ennui! Et aussi le mort, naturallement. Sorry, but I haven't written any French in a long time so that could be all wrong :P) TKaulittz's girl (It will happen at some point! :D Thanks for reviewing!) GiselleMarx (Hoorah! A supporter for my tragically slow development! :D Thank you!) Msedward (Yep, the wolf is knowledgeable, apart from being a crazy beast. I suppose its meant to represent all of Draco's desires, not just the werewolf's desire for bloodlust.) Ex Mentis (Magical mirror in my hand sex? XD sounds like a PWP storyline...) ForeverJynxed (Yep, Harry, our resident little emo kid, we love him so. Thank you for all the compliments! XD) Hermione and Draco is like PBJ (I was never aware of there being a verb for AK! Although I think I should be a bit more scared that Snape's looking for me :P ah well.) spinner313 (thanks for the review!) Ninny-na (Thank you for the review and time spent reading! A curse is a bit harsh thought, how about a nice tripping jinx instead?) miss quirky bookworm (Yep, Harry had a rare moment of cowardice - at completely the wrong time! D: Thanks for the review ^^) F4LL3N-1NT0-0BL1V10N (You're in love with it?! :D I'm sure you two can get married, I don't mind. Thank you so much!) aaaand 3Love3 (I'm glad you like it! :D Drarry is just meant to be. And also making fun of Snape, teehee~)