Chapter 20
We feel like now is a good time to give you all an explanation. Yes, we are aware that real alcoholics do not act this way. It is a parody of the drunken state, so please don't take offense. So now the truth is revealed:
Willard is a Sokka drunk.
~O~O~O~
On account of their injuries, the drunk drove.
Before they'd even stepped inside their beat-up joyride, though, Willard had clapped. "I decorated!"
"Er, wha-" Xander had cocked his head.
"Come see, come see!" He'd skipped out to their renovated vehicle. Renovated vehicle…RV... Xander had chuckled inwardly. …I must have lost a mite too much blood.
A "Home Sweet Home" sign hung crookedly on the door. They trudged inside, dead on their feet. Willard had been busy while they fought for their lives. The carpet was bleached, which was a spectacular- if smelly- change from before. Some of the chemical had splashed onto the furniture, but at least the mysterious stains were much fainter.
Lime green curtains with smiling sunflower print were duct-taped to the walls above the windows. No curtain rods, I guess, Xander mused wryly. He could see Dani clicking her lighter beside him; her plans for the cheery fabric were practically written on her face. The table now had an ill-fitting table cloth that made it look more like what it was and less like a dog's chew toy. There was a new sky blue bedspread and fresh sheets. Pillows were strewn all over the place.
"Bathroom is pretty, too!" Willard had announced happily. The medicine cabinet was stocked.
Xander had noted that bottles were stashed in odd places around the RV.
"Wow," Rose praised. The sixteen-year-old beamed at her.
"Oh yes, it looks just like the lovely home of the cannibalistic demon who tried to kill us. Fond, fond memories," Dani grumbled in aggravation. Judging by her sour expression, she held a grudge towards Willard for ditching them in the fight.
Xander was sort of fuzzy throughout the tour, his arm continuing to bleed out and his mind unfocused. There was no fight from him when Rose insisted on cleaning the wound, but at the first chance he got Xander grabbed the GPS and coordinates. Better see where we're actually goin'.
"Please be still," Rose said softly. Xander's arm moved away from Rose yet again as he continued to tinker with the GPS, making the process of cleaning the cut aggravatingly difficult. "Please?"
"Sorry," Xander responded absentmindedly as he continued to punch in numbers. "I just think it'd be smart if we knew where we were gonna find Echidna. That way we'd know if Willard is even drivin' in the right- Ah! Ahhh!" The boy's mind was immediately jolted out of its gadget-induced haze as Rose poured rubbing alcohol over his wound. "That hurts, ya know! You could at least warn a person," he grumbled through gritted teeth.
"It is easier this way," she murmured as she readied her stitching supplies. "Xander, what are you doing to that…'G-P-S'?"
"Tryin' to find where we're s'posed to be headin'," he explained. "I put in the coordinates, but it was unresponsive 'cause of some deviation in the screen recognition system. So I had to reset the system settin's, but that put it in a cold start and it started to lose its wireless signal so now I'm restorin' it to a different wireless network with a stronger signal so we don't have to wait for satellite in order for it to recall the almanac and ephemeris data for the TTFF so once it gathers the information it can process the coordinates and actually give the right route to get there." Rose blinked dazedly at the increasingly rushed monologue when Xander finally took a breath.
He glanced over at Rose and smirked. "You have no idea what I'm talkin' 'bout, do ya?" he asked, remembering that a few hours ago she hadn't even known what a GPS was.
She tugged the needle a little harder than necessary and he felt a flare of pain in his arm. It had been neatly sutured while he'd talked.
"X-Man! I got meds FO YOU." Willard instantly leaned back on his heel and gestured with what was apparently meant to be 'gangsta' emphasis. He handed a thermos to Xander. "Drink up, slurp slurp."
Rose took on a worried expression. "Willard, if you are not driving…who is?"
Willard stared down at his feet bashfully. "The kitty."
The ex-Hunter's eyes practically bulged out of her head as she deciphered Willard's coded speech. "…We are on a highway, you locked the wheel, and you put the cat on the pedal to keep our speed. Is that what you are saying?" Xander smacked his forehead.
The drunk hummed euphorically. "I'm a doctor, too! Look, medicine!"
Xander noted that the concoction he'd been given smelled vaguely of strawberries and nectar, so it seemed safe enough. "If I drink it, will you go back to the wheel?"
Willard nodded vigorously. Xander gulped down half of the thermos's contents and gagged at its sickly sweet flavor and the way it burned on the way down. It almost seemed to have a powdery texture. The drunk grinned and skipped back to the driver's seat.
"Remind me again why we let him drive?" Dani grumbled.
"Because you can't and shouldn't." Xander wretched when he gulped down another mouthful; the stuff tasted foul, but he could feel the pain in his arm start to alleviate. With a sigh he took another sip. "The cat did a better job than you."
Dani abruptly changed the subject. "So. Texas. Life not mattering. Boredom that led to scary knowledge about GP systems."
Xander shuddered and set the foul medicine down beside him. "Yeah, Texas. Not much to say, really. I'm best with computers," he responded casually.
"I heard you ran away." Dani interjected bluntly from her spot at the table.
"How'd ya know 'bout that?" the Southerner demanded with arched eyebrows as his face grew warmer.
She shrugged nonchalantly. "Small camp. Lots of gossip. What, did you actually think Henry kept all of your secrets to himself?"
Rose asked concernedly, "Why did you run away? Who is Henry?"
"Henry," Xander began crossly, choosing the easy question first, "is the kid who was up in that tree durin' Capture the Flag. He's my half-brother, and he'll be officially dead when I see him again. As for the other thing... it really doesn't matter."
"I think you're wrong, Cowboy." Dani slipped into an exaggerated southern accent. "After all, we need to be able to trust each other if we're on this quest together, and to do that we need to know all about each other's pasts." She grinned slyly. "I mean, you're not exactly the type to run away, so something must have happened."
"Nothin' happened," Xander gritted his teeth.
"Liar. What happened?"
The boy turned to face away from Dani with the hope that Rose would take his side.
Her eyes sparkled. "It is only fair, after you forced a lady to reveal her age." She was laughing at him, he knew it.
Oh, joy.
"But... It's... I... You..." he stopped. He knew when he had lost an argument. He groaned and fidgeted. "There was a... difference of opinion between my dad and I."
"Over what?" Dani pressed.
"His uh... girlfriend," Xander muttered. Cecelia. The very thought of her made him cringe.
"What about her?" Dani was unusually curious.
"She was usin' him." Xander looked toward the ground. "He didn't believe me and it got uglier from there, I reckon." He grabbed Willard's medicine and poured more of the foul liquid down his throat. It still burned, but it didn't taste quite as bad.
Rose knitted her eyebrows together. "How…convoluted."
A faint smile formed on Xander's face as he lowered the thermos from his lips; the taste was starting to become tolerable as the burning in the back of his throat subsided. "Well, ya see, Cecelia's a bit of a gold digger. She don't really care 'bout my dad at all. All she wants is enough money and stability for her and her boyfriend to get hitched."
"You mean your dad?" Dani asked slowly.
Laughter erupted out of Xander. "Gods, no! No. No, I mean Joseph a'course! What a reg'lar gentleman he is. Walked in on him and Cecelia together in the livin' room one day after school. He threatened to skin me alive and feed me to the armadillas' if'n I ever told my pa." Another gulp from the thermos elicited chuckles and a hiccup.
"That's… um-"
"It don't bother me none," Xander blurted out to cut off any of the others' concerns. "I didn't reckon he'd do much ta me. Cecelia had a different way a doin' things, though. She lied and cheated 'til she'd turned my own father 'gainst me. Made it so as he wouldn' listen ta anythin' I said, 'specially if it hap'ned ta be 'gainst his sweet, perfect angel." Concluding his statement with a snicker, Xander's gradual slump to the floor was undone as he popped up, leaning in closer to Rose and Dani. "'N my dad believed her. He believed her. Can y'all believe that?"
Xander took another sip of medicine and rose to his feet, dismissing the lightheaded feeling that greeted him. "I couldn't believe it. Do y'all know what it's like ta have yer dad hate everythin' about ya? Let me tell ya- it sucks. SUCKS. I went'n left before she could stick me in the pig sty."
"Xander, are you alri-"
"But tha' don't matter!" Xander laughed. His words came out fuzzy. Probably Cecelia's fault. One last swallow finished off the thermos, which he tossed over his shoulder. Was that the sound of something breaking? Nah. Couldn't be. "It don't matter at all, cuz I'm'a gonna save everyone! EVERYONE!" One step forward turned gravity against him. Stupid foot. Feet. After another brief spell of laughter, Xander pulled himself up again, wrapping his arms around the girls' shoulders and grinning cheekily at them.
"What happened to him?" the daughter of Hades asked in astonishment.
"Psssh! Nothin's wrong with me! I'm fine!" The boy leaned over and pecked her on the cheek to prove it. "There, see?" Her face was turning red. Like… like a strawberry. Strawberries. That seemed important somehow, but Xander didn't want to think about that. He didn't think about much. Just how there were dolphins on the ceiling. Typical.
Willard parked for the night and joined them. "Yeah, he's fine. I didn't do anything! He arrested his own development. Don't send me to jail! I'm a good guy! See? See? I have a utility belt and everything!" The drunk pointed to his own belt, which was remarkably bare of any sort of utility.
"A utility belt? Why, I reckon the kitty has one too!" Xander clapped. There was a sudden reunion between the floor and his face. He rolled across the floor until the unfortunate cat was within his grasp and then lunged at it, hugging it in his arms. The kitty was his friend. A friend with a utility belt who knew how to do the tango and would battle the zebras for him. Goshdarnit, zebras!
Willard stroked his nonexistent mustache. "Kitty needs a theme song!" He started singing a random, poorly orchestrated tune. Xander quickly joined in with what might have been an attempt at harmony.
"Is this what happens to people when they get…um…What's the word?"
"High?" Dani said wryly.
"Yes! When they go up!" Rose clapped triumphantly.
Dani smacked her hand to her forehead. "No, but Xander and Willard…well..." She gestured to them.
"How do you think they got this way?" Understanding dawned on both their faces.
"Willard," they mouthed to each other.
"The thermos," Rose exhaled in disbelief.
"…He spiked the nectar."
"With what?"
"Probably L-"
"DANI," Xander interrupted the conversation. "Your hair…it's like hay. But it's dark. And streaky. Like a skateboard." Athena's son made a fish face. The girls couldn't understand if he was trying to look attractive- which it most certainly was not- or had become distracted and had made his new goal in life to become a fish.
"Definitely that, then," Dani said dryly.
Rose cocked her head, confused at Dani's utter lack of concern. "Is that dangerous?"
"Probably."
"We should help him," Rose suggested hopefully.
Dani guffawed, "As if. When else are we going to see Goody Two Shoes over here in this sort of compromising situation?"
Xander's head perked up from his conversation with the cat. "Are ya talkin' 'bout me? Or are the zebras? They suck. I hope it's you talkin' about me, b- b- beau-tee-ful. I love you. The cat wants my pants. Do ya want my pants? I would be sig… signif… I would give 'em to ya! But not the kitty. HE CAN'T HAVE 'EM!"
"They wouldn't even fit him!" he explained intelligently. "Those bottles were pretty, but this isn't. This is boring. This is booooooooring! Worse than zebras! Worse than Joe the Hobo!"
"Who is Joe? What is a 'hobo?'" Rose queried.
"Joe, Joe, Joe the Hobo! My friend Joe. After Mommy, I found Joe. We lived by a giant BOX! A fun box. Fun box, fun box, small and square and dark. Fun box, fun box, check out these cool fun locks!" He ended the short song with jazz hands. "Big green metal box. Yucky food. Fun toys. Spinny wheels and shiny bells. Pretty bottles…Joe drank lots of pretty bottles…" His eyes darkened and glazed over as he curled his knees to his chest. "Joe, why would you give a kid a bottle? Why, Old Joe? Why? Drinking buddies forever, right?" Willard wondered pitifully at the curtains. "Momma had enough colors. Enough already. I know she saw the sun. The sun always wants you to dance. Dance on the sidewalk, Mommy, not the street! NO, THE CARS!" He collapsed, sobbing.
Dani and Rose exchanged a disbelieving glance. Rose knelt beside him and soothed, "Hush, hush, Willard. Joe is gone."
Willard's haunted eyes widened. He shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no, no, not after the monsters came. Not after the monster, no no nonononono. No more Joe. No Joe, no Joe, no Joe." He repeated the chant with empty eyes.
"Will-Willard?" Xander hiccupped, concerned. "Willard, them zebras're tryin' ta eat ya. YALL'RE MEAN!" He stood up once again and stumbled over to the older boy. Leaning over so that their eyes met and using Willard's shoulders for balance he began to smile. "Willard, I ain't gonna let them there zebras eat ya, so ya don' hafta cry. Here!" Xander let go, falling to the floor yet again.
"What is he… Oh, for the love of Hades…" Dani groaned.
"Take my pants! Now the kitty can't have 'em and ya'll can be safer'an an armadilla in a foxhole!" Xander exclaimed as he tossed his jeans in Willard's face.
Willard grinned through his tears and put the pants over his head. "Thanks, X-Man. Your superpower must be Pants Giving. Hey, a holiday! Pantsgiving! Here, take mine!"
"That's okay, he doesn't need them!" Dani screeched, turning away from the boys. "Rose, please remind me to tell my brother never to get high around me."
Rose was pale as a sheet. She'd hardly ever been around the male gender and now they shamelessly- albeit drunkenly- undressed in front of her.
Willard held the kitty by the hilt and tapped it to both of Xander's shoulders. "You are officially inducted into the Brotherhood of Pantsgiving. What is our first order of business?"
"Pants!" Xander shouted the organization's motto with gusto, tying the drunk's jeans around his neck like a cape. "I AM X-MAN! Come on, Willard, we hafta save the city!" He jumped to his feet triumphantly, but gravity promptly brought him down to ground level once more.
"YEAH! Rock and roll, Pants Man!"
"You too, Super Pants!"
They shouted together: "PANTS TWINS UNITE!"
"You know what we need? We need Pantsmen."
"MINIONS!" Xander squealed. "Enlist the giraffes! And the kitty! If we join forces, the zebras will bow to our will! They will pay for what they have done to Pants-kind!"
What Rose and Dani heard was, "MINIONS 'RAFFES KIT THE JOIN WILL PAY PANTS." Willard responded to Xander's racket in kind.
"That's it," Dani declared. "The party's over."
"On three," Rose said from behind the boys.
Willard quoted, "Thou shalt count not to one, not to two, not to four, but the number thou shalt count to shalt be-"
"THREE!" Dani shouted, exasperated.
Xander's world stopped spinning as it faded around him.
"You're gonna have one heck of a morning, Cowboy."
~O~O~O~
Rose: … o.o
Us: W-
Dani: Talk to either of us and the Grim Reaper himself won't be able to count how many knives are sticking out of your chest.