CHAPTER 21 : CHILDHOOD TERRORS REVISTED
As they came into a stretch of bad weather, Arthur's boar hunt was rescheduled for later in the month.
They were fogged in for days. On the sixth day, Merlin got up and went again to the window, an opaque curtain greeting him. He couldn't even make out the buildings across the courtyard. The castle was living in a cloud.
Arthur glanced up and moaned, "Are the heavens still around us?"
"It could be worse; we could have been returning to Camelot over the moors and would have had to hunker down and wait it out. At least inside, you have warmth, light, food and company. Also, you are not habitually damp. I pity the poor folks who have been caught out in this."
Arthur's suggestion to having braziers burning at night in the courtyard had been welcomed by the king and at night the muted orange beacons at least reinforced in the mind that they were not on the edge of a precipice with nothing on the horizon.
The castle inhabitants were coping and the residents in the lower town who worked in the castle were able to get to work. Castle Farm and the castle stables ran as usual but the horses were only turned out not ridden. As much as possible, people stayed inside waiting for the fog to release them. There was a lot of superstition about fog and many references to it being a shroud for the unfortunate, surfaced.
Merlin busied himself with the breakfast platters and hoped that his mother had in a good supply of wood, now was not the time to go searching for fuel. Invariable, people did get lost and many were never accounted for, devoured by the whiteness with some bodies found, years later in gullies and at the bottom of cliffs.
But he wasn't feeling great. The whiteout reminded him of his mind on the night when Sir Thomas had died. He had rendered his mind blank, cleared it of all thoughts pertaining to those he loved, frightened that somehow they would communicate something which he wished no stranger to ever learn. He remembered the sensation that something had invaded his brain, burrowing its way into his most private thoughts, and his need to hide secrets especially those of Arthur's participation in his life.
He shook his head and put some more logs on the fire. He had been feeling stronger, now he was safely back in Camelot. Why should he be worried? Arthur was with him as were the knights.
He felt a shiver of fear go up his back. Was it linked to something which was going on in the castle? He'd experienced this before. Was it a warning? He recognised it as his reaction to a perceived danger which has yet to show its face…that is, if it ever occurred. He went into protection mode, building up an ability to separate his heart from his mind, to cubby hole his emotions. Something was going to happen which did not bode well for Arthur and/or the kingdom of Camelot.
Arthur suddenly said, "Merlin, you're miles away…lost in the fog perchance?"
Merlin shook his head. He intended to continue as normally as possible until he had more information. There was something out there beside the fog, or was it actually someone in the castle…something worrying that seemed to be honing in on Arthur.
Their daily schedules were changed, no training, no excursions just meetings and every evening supper with a select group of knights in Arthur's private chambers.
Anyone having the opportunity to gaze out windows that had a view of the surrounded countryside, were mesmerised. All the hills were gone; the lake west of the castle had vanished. Looking up, all the turrets had disappeared and there was an eerie silence as there were no birds.
It amused Merlin to see groups of pages doing forced marches through the castle to keep them occupied and help burn off their excess energy. Their days were usually interspersed with training, riding and scholastics. All boys were taught by ladies of the court to read and write, they learned manners and how to reply to questions asked them by the knights.
Merlin laughed as Rhylan passed him with ten pages in tow. He raised his eyebrows and muttered under his breath to Merlin, "I didn't sign on to be a babysitting squire. These kids are wild and they need to get outside to run around."
"Don't worry, there's a wind coming up, maybe the fog will finally lift and…thank your lucky stars you're only in charge of the older pages."
Merlin grinned at some of the youngsters especially Pudge and his friend Robert, both of whom would next year be squires. He nodded at Guy, Simon's brother and Timothy brother of Gielbert who took the opportunity to remind Merlin that he had a new nephew called Teddie.
He smiled to himself as he returned to Arthur, realising that he must have been a holy terror when as a youngster he had also been a captive of the fog.
The man in question was sitting at the table checking some castle business. He looked up and said, "The king sent these accounts to me to check over, Richard delivered them wanting to know what my plans were for the day, said that the king asked him to find out."
Arthur looked at Merlin with a 'don't ask' expression and shrugged, "Anyway, I can't believe the money, which we plan to spend over yuletide. The food bills are exorbitant; hopefully we'll be guest free this year. Annual expenses so far to date including the tournament, are huge."
"True, but the people deserve some days of festivities midwinter and the tournament was well received by all. It's the cost of a well run kingdom."
"Good thing we collect taxes from those who can afford it. The costs for maintaining the guards are enormous and that little excursion to Brecon was beyond what was expected."
"But it must have been worth it, as an adjoining kingdom is now more closely allied to Camelot. Anyway, Old Man, you only turn thirty once! Have I told you, how attractive I find the more mature Crown Prince?"
"Not recently, maybe you had better refresh my memory." Arthur stood and stretched. Paperwork was not his favourite pastime and he, not unlike the pages, had plenty of pent up energy.
Merlin laughed. He walked behind Arthur and put his arms around his chest, pulling him back against his chest in an embrace. He ran his fingers up the sides of his face, turned him and captured his mouth. The gentle kiss deepened, so neither of them heard the tap at the door.
"Well, gentlemen, lucky it's a friend and not a foe!" They broke apart blushing to see Spenser standing there. "It's cold outside but, there is word that if you stand in the middle of the courtyard you can actually see the turrets. Not that this is of much interest to you two at the moment…so I shall leave you to whatever manservant/master business you were up to." He grinned at the two of them.
Arthur removed his hands from Merlin and said, looking at Merlin who shrugged his shoulders, "Someone forgot about locking the door!" He put his arm around Merlin's waist and said, "What we were doing can wait…come on Merlin, maybe the fog is finally beginning to lift. Lead the way, Sir Spenser!"
As he walked to follow him, Merlin suddenly felt uncomfortable. He couldn't put his finger on it but something had flashed through his brain when Spenser had mention friend or foe, and Arthur the locked door but then he whispered "There's always this afternoon and maybe in the turret, far from the madding crowd."
Merlin let the ominous feeling go, to laugh at Arthur saying, "Didn't know that you knew Hardy, I'm impressed."
"Don't think I know any Hardy is he a visiting knight or a member of the household staff."
"Neither, but if you are very clever this afternoon, as a reward I might just tell you about him and his stories."
-0-0-
Spenser was not a duff gen merchant, the fog was lifting. The turrets and their pennants rose above the castle like ghostly forms. They were not the only ones taking in the view and people had mentioned that from the windows with a valley view, you could see the darker outline of trees. It still looked to Merlin like milky porridge with undistinguished lumps but it was better than the smothering, cloying fog of the last week.
Merlin and Arthur did manage to get up to the turret room after lunch. It was still foggy but looking over their courtyard parapet, they could distinguish the outlines of trees and the darker grey of the hills.
They walked back inside; it was chilly and damp if you stayed outside too long. Arthur turned from the bed to the blazing fire and said, "You know, Merlin, there are some benefits of bad weather."
Merlin smiled, "Sorry, Sire, I can't think of any."
Arthur put his arms around his shoulders and walked him backwards until he hit the wall, saying, "Ouch!"
"Merlin you didn't hit it that hard. I think that maybe I need to get you out on the training field as soon as possible. Your muscles are going soft." He grasped Merlin's hands and lifted them over his head and pinned them gently against the wall. "Did that hurt?" Merlin muttered something but Arthur had other ideas, "It was a rhetorical question, no need to put your brain into gear, just concentrate on your body."
Arthur was good at what he was doing and soon Merlin was like putty in his hands. He hoisted him up and deposited him on the bed, grinning down at him. Merlin reached for Arthur but again his hands were pushed away. "We, my friend, are doing it my way this afternoon…"
-0-0-
The fire needed more logs but Merlin hadn't the energy to get out of bed. He was floating, his mind was miles away. He grinned to himself, Arthur was exceedingly clever and he well deserved at least a synopsis of Far From The Madding Crowd.
He allowed his mind to flash back to the day, when he had hesitantly told Gaius that he thought he was in love with a prince. Good Old Gaius, he hadn't screamed and run away, he had smiled and answered all his questions.
Arthur stretched languidly. He glanced at Merlin and said, "Penny for your thoughts…"
Merlin stretched out and then rolled onto his side, putting an arm and a leg across Arthur. "You're mine! I mightn't be strong enough to actually restrain you physically but hopefully my love for you is as strong as any dungeon shackles." He then burrowed his head into Arthur chest and kissed his way up to his mouth.
"Merlin, I am as much a captive of yours, as one of my falcons is of me. You can release me and I will always return to you."
"Great! Are you insinuating that you only return to me because I have food?"
Arthur laughed as he said softly, "That and a few other things about you which I can't live without…"
"I love you, Arthur…I sometimes wonder if you know how much..."
"I know, Merlin." Arthur looked at the man who through the years had always stood at his side, asking for nothing but willing to give everything he possessed without any demands.
He pulled him closer and chuckled as Merlin moaned as his nose was crushed against his chin. He released him pulling him up so they were face to face. He smiled realising that together; they would be able to overcome almost anything.
-0-0-
Uther looked up from his lists; he was beginning to see a pattern. He smiled thinking that these lists were first rate. He'd taken information from the records in the library and by questioning Richard of the prince's whereabouts and companions over the last couple of days, things were falling into space. He had a short list of around five knights who were frequently in the presence of his son, three of them he would even class as close friends. Some, he had been with since he was a squire in training and others were of a more recent acquaintance. He just needed that one lucky break.
Geoffrey had mentioned to Gaius that he was a little worried by the king's insistence in having all the names of the knights and cross-referencing them to missions. "I'm a little wary. He is completely absorbed in these lists and I wonder if he is not up to something. They make no sense to me but he is adamant about my helping him.
"Sir Martin told me that he had surprised Uther the other day, talking to the boy who squires for Martin and me, wanting him to give him every piece of information he had about the prince's whereabouts during the fog. The boy had nothing to give him but I had an awful feeling that there is more to this than meets the eye."
For a second, Gaius felt sick, had something about Arthur's behaviour alerted the king. He'd warned the two of them to be very careful but he couldn't be watching out for them the whole time. They were adults solely responsible for their behaviour. However, he knew that in a castle this size, you have people who are only too happy to share information which to them might seem innocent yet in another's hands might be incriminating.
-0-0-
A couple of days later, when the fog had all disappeared, Arthur appeared in the king's chambers.
He had been summoned there, out of the blue. He'd spoken to the king after the council meeting but now he wished to see him again. Strange…especially as he planned to dine with him this evening; he decided that it must be something of importance.
A guard had brought the summons to the room, insisting that the king wished to see his son alone. This was not out of the ordinary so Arthur had left Merlin checking over some of the reports which he would be giving the following day, telling him he'd be back as soon as possible.
His father's manservant Richard opened the door and motioned for Arthur to enter, he did but hesitated as his father called out briskly from another chamber, "Richard, you are dismissed! Wait in the corridor."
Arthur followed his father's voice into a private chamber where he worked on royal matters. He said, "Sire, you wished to see me?" He glanced around and realised that it was only the two of them.
Uther had his elbows on the arms of the chair with his hands folded as if in prayer or meditation, his chin resting on his fingertips. He was staring at the floor in front of him. He finally raised his eyes to his son.
"My disappointment in you has finally reached a climax. You are not the man whom I thought you were. After all the years I have trained you, you are but a spectre of the son I expected to have." His eyes were cold and distant.
Arthur thought that they had managed for the last little while, to live amicably with less friction than normal.
Uther stood and walked across the chamber. "You squander my money, waste hours training with the knights. You refuse one simple request that you produce an heir and now I learn that you have a companion who leaves a lot to be desired."
He paused to glare at his son before continuing, "The news has reached me that you are in a relationship with a man. I will not stand for that. If you had such sordid interests, I would have expected you to have outgrown them or to have at least kept them hidden. When I find out which knight has taken your fancy, he will be out of Camelot!
"Who do you think you are to flaunt this in my face? For God's sake, you are after all a Crown Prince! Act like one, take a wife and give me a legitimate heir…" The king returned to his chair.
Arthur's heart had fallen. He had been found out, no wonder Richard had been excused. He felt sick. Who had told the king? Somewhere, Merlin and he had slipped up. They were usually so careful. So far, Merlin had not been identified. There must be an informer…is that what all the lists and the note taking had been about? If so, the time would come when the informer would return with a little more gossip to line his pockets.
"I am disappointed that I upset you, Sire…"
"Disappointed is nothing compared to how I feel. I am ashamed of you. My son, one of those disgusting beings...! I hate to say it but I am relieved that you mother never lived to know of this.
A pain unlike anything that he had ever experienced hit Arthur. He felt the motherly hug which he had received from Merlin in that magical meadow and he knew beyond a doubt that his mother would never have accepted the way his father was talking to him. She would have loved him…regardless of what he was in his father's eyes…regardless of what romantic choices he had made.
He wanted to stamp his foot and argue or turn away and walk out leaving the door wide open but he remembered who he was and he stood there dutifully as the Crown Prince while his Monarch piled hate and abuse on him. He'd be strong for Merlin's sake.
His father continued, "You disgust me! How could you have let yourself act like this? What made you turn to a knight for that type of companionship?
"Wake up, you stupid man, take a serious look at your status in life and then compare it to your life style! They are not compatible. Do you hear me? Not compatible, you are the heir to the throne!"
The king again stood challenging his son. "Have you anything you wish to tell me?"
"No Father…"
"No!" Uther yelled, "You are consorting with a male and you have no explanation for your behaviour? I'm warning you, that when I find out who he is, he will no longer be a knight of Camelot, he will be looked down upon by everyone including his family, he will be expelled from Camelot and you…"
Uther closed his eyes for a second, "You will be whipped to within inch of your life. You will be shunned, under constant supervision, no contact with anyone…"
Arthur breathed a sign of relief. A knight…therefore, Merlin was still in the clear.
Finally the tirade ceased, the king turned away, suddenly looking tired and said as if defeated, "Get out of my sight, your presence sickens me!"
Arthur finally put one foot in front of the other and left the king's study, walking through the royal chambers until he came to the door. He opened it and Richard was waiting white-faced at having been thrown out of the royal chambers once Arthur had arrived.
"Give him a few moments to compose himself and then check on him. He is very annoyed with me but not you."
Arthur knew that the voices from the study would not have been heard in the corridor. Anyway, Richard was trustworthy and would never have repeated anything he heard. He hadn't kept his valued position of royal manservant for nigh on forty years by repeating titbits which had come his way.
-0-0-
Merlin was slowly getting through the report; he'd noted a few things to bring to Arthur's attention. He heard someone in the antechamber. He looked up and half raised himself to go and see who it was, when Arthur walked in the door. He smiled up at him, saying, "So, everything is now at rights in the kingdom?"
He took a second look, Arthur's face and demeanour shocked him, something awful had happened. He pushed his chair back and stood up. "Arthur, what's wrong? Is it Gaius?"
Shaking his head, Arthur made his way unsteadily to the window and stood gazing into the courtyard with his forehead touching the pane. Merlin couldn't understand the complete change in Arthur's body, he looked like an old man, his hands were trembling and he seemed distracted.
Merlin put his arm around his waist and took him to the bench in front of the fire. Arthur was now shivering uncontrollably. He was in shock. Merlin went over and grabbed a blanket and put it around his shoulders. He then got a goblet and mead. "Sip this! What happened? Tell me, maybe I can help?"
Arthur dropped his head into his hands and said, "He found out about me…he knows about it."
Merlin didn't have any need to figure out what it was...he knew! He held the goblet for Arthur and helped him guide it to his lips. Arthur took only a sip and pushed it away.
"You will have to leave, Merlin. He doesn't know that it is you. He thinks I'm with a knight. Please, understand that this is our only way!"
"Arthur, I won't leave you!" Merlin was adamant, "I can stay hidden in Camelot and still be with you. We can for all intents and purposes live separate lives. We will find somewhere to be together away from prying eyes."
-0-0-
Merlin had finally calmed Arthur down sufficiently that he was able to almost think straight. He listened to him as he made the most outlandish plans, they would run away together. Merlin could be disguised as a woman; they would live happily together in a village, no one would suspect anything. Spenser and maybe Simon would be able to bring them supplies and maybe he could get a job training horses and Merlin could be a healer.
Merlin didn't argue, it was better for Arthur to get it out of his system. When he again mentioned leaving Camelot he finally said, "Arthur, you do not have the luxury of running away. You have a responsibility to Camelot and its people."
The thought… 'as I have a responsibility to you', ran through Merlin's mind. "You are a not free to leave. I can leave but I wouldn't, I will stay with you but not in plain view. If necessary, I could go to ground until you are king and then I will come back, that is if you'd still want me. Once the hue and cry dies down, we would occasionally be able to meet."
"Merlin, please don't think that way…I can't be without you for that long! I know what I'm going to do, it has been staring me in the face. If your name comes up, I will flatly deny that I was having a relationship with you, then the king will have to let you stay."
"…and what of the knight, the king will have killed instead of me? Arthur, listen to me, he isn't just going to expel him. I couldn't let anyone take my place on a pyre; I would have no respect for myself. How would I be able to look you or Gaius in the eye?"
Nothing was decided, nothing could be decided. Neither was hungry but Merlin arranged for some soup, meat and bread to be brought up around supper time. Arthur picked at it but agreed to at least drink the soup.
Merlin bided his time; he knew that he had in the travelling chest a few of Gaius's remedies. Certainly one for headaches which he was beginning to get right now and also some of Arthur's Rescue Remedy which would just take the edge off things and make Arthur a little calmer. He had no compunction giving it as regardless of what tomorrow might bring, Arthur needed a night's sleep without dreams and nightmares.
He talked Arthur into taking a couple of sips of mulled wine into which he had added two drops of the tasteless cure.
He finally got Arthur settled in bed, he tossed and turned a little more than normal as he usually slept like a log once he had fallen asleep. Merlin lay beside him worrying.
Who had told Uther something to bring on these accusations?
Where had they gone wrong?
Arthur moaned and moved restlessly and Merlin put his arm around him and whispered, "I'm here…we're safe…go to sleep!
He was running along a corridor, up ahead was the man he knew to be his father, he called Gai-Gai and the man turned but it wasn't him.
A stern-faced man glowered at him, pushing him away.
Someone grabbed his arm and it was Tilly. She chided him for running away from her but the man had frightened him and he clung to her sobbing.
…as he did Gaius, the day this beloved man had explained that he was not his actual father, only a man who had saved him and loved him more than any father could ever love a son.
As a six year old, he was told that Sir Rupert's son, his only friend Rudd would no longer live in the castle, as they had done something wrong. He didn't understand what was wrong with wrestling on the beach. Why would any knight make up stories about them, or more importantly, why would the king not believe Sir Rupert or him?
He was older around eight being forced to stand on the balcony and watch two men tied together, being burned to death, while being yelled at by the same stern-faced man for acting frightened.
He was older now and required to stand on the steps, shuddering as he watched a knight who had viciously abused him, being wished 'God Speed' by the same man who had not believed what had happened even when Gaius had told him of his son's injuries.
He saw the king approaching him and he had run…
…down a corridor, bumping into a servant sending him flying. Out of character he had held out his hand to help the person up… as their hands touched, he had experienced such a surge of feelings. He couldn't understand it. Nothing he had ever felt for anyone had been that forceful.
He roughly pulled his hand away and looked up into a face which would haunt him for the rest of his life…a man whom he felt that he had already known for a lifetime but he had never met until that day. Something stirred in his heart and he was in love.
He saw the princess, he had been forced to marry, and his dying baby son whom his friend and he had taken turns nursing as the baby breathed his last. He watched the little basket burning on the lake…never telling the king what had transpired.
He wouldn't have been like his father, towards his baby boy. He would have been like Gaius, gentle and understanding…a man willing to listen, never judgemental who saw good in all things, no matter how insignificant…a man who saw everyone as equal and accepted love between two people regardless of gender…
He saw himself standing before the council being ridiculed, accused of leading failed missions knowing that the king was the only person who felt that way and in being respectful to the position of his monarch, he had held his tongue..
He would accept many things as was expected of him as a crown prince…but he would never allow anyone to separate him from Merlin…
He clung to him as a young child might cling to his favourite toy when he was alone in the dark, he would not let him go, he couldn't…he couldn't face life without him…
Arthur began thrashing, hitting Merlin in the chest, Merlin pulled him close, saying again, "I'm here…we're safe…go to sleep, Arthur."
-0-0-
Daylight came and Merlin felt as if he had only just fallen asleep. He slipped away from the sleeping Arthur and put a couple of logs on the fire and then lit the fire under the coppers. They would have to act today as if nothing unusual had happened. He was dreading the day as he felt sure that this was the beginning of a couple of days which no one in Camelot would ever forget.
He padded back to bed and curled against Arthur and tears fell down his cheeks. He didn't want to leave him, if only for a short while. Their life had been beautiful but now someone had ruined that making it sordid.
At the first opportunity he would talk to Gaius and then if he agreed maybe try to convince Arthur that he should tell at least one of the knights, preferably Spenser what the king had said.