Chapter 21: His Move

I held my breath and waited. He was still sitting beside me looking into the distance with his jaw clenched. I don't think I've ever seen him like this nor do I think I've ever been as afraid of what he might do as I am now. I wanted to call out his name. I wanted him to call out my name. I wanted him to show what he was feeling and I wanted him to tell me that he understood. I wanted him to hold me, to pull me next to him and hold me tightly in his arms. I wanted him to touch my face and wipe away the tears I feared shedding. I wanted to lay my head against his chest and feel his strong heartbeat giving me the courage I lacked. I wanted him to kiss my head again and tell me that everything would be all right. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me and that nothing could make him stop loving me.

Out of nowhere a handkerchief materialized. The cloth smelled like him and with that single sweet gesture he broke down the walls holding back my tears. I started bawling and felt his arms around me. He held me as I cried and he told me that he wasn't going anywhere. He said he would stay and help me forget. He kissed the top of my head and said that he would help me create new memories. I felt the warm sun on my skin as I raised my face and looked deep into his eyes and asked:

"When should we start?"

"How about right now", he said and lowered those smooth lips of his on mine. I tasted him and felt the hunger for his touch grow. I climbed on his lap and took his face in my hands. I covered his face with little kisses before offering everything to him. He licked the few remaining salt stains from my face and drew little circles on my temples with his thumbs as the rest of his fingers concentrated releasing the tension building around my scalp. I didn't realize I had moaned until I heard my own voice. His hands were warm against my own cool skin. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted him to touch every part of me and never to stop.

I grabbed the lapels of my jacket intending to take it of but he stopped me. He leaned back just enough to make a point and to look into my eyes. He shook his head and pulled me against his torso.

"This isn't what you need", he whispered in my ear.

"But I want you", I whispered back. I could feel him shaking his head.

"Sometimes what you want and what you need are two different things", he just said and hugged me tightly as my body started shaking again.

When exhaustion took over my body I relaxed in his arms. He stood up still holding me and he carried me inside. He set me down to sit on the floor next to the fireplace and conjured a blanket over my shoulders. He brought me some tea and sat behind me wrapping his arms around me. Warm sunlight found it's way in through the windows and surrounded us in yellow, sparkling haze.

"I'm so sorry", he said, "I wish I could have been there to stop it all from happening."

"We can't change the past. It's what makes us who we are", I said and remembered suddenly, "And even if you had been there, what could you have done? You were, what, ten years old at the time?" He gave little a laugh.

"Precocious eleven year old", he stopped and added, "I would have found a way."

"I'm sure you would have", I said and leaned back to rest against his chest.

"You need to promise me something. You need to promise me that this is the last time you try to leave me. I need you here, beside me. I need you and our children need you. I need to hear you say that you'll stay for good." I spoke softly but I don't think he ever doubted the seriousness of my words. For minute or two thought about what he was going to say, choosing what to do. Then he said:

"I'll stay, until you ask me to leave."

"No, no conditions, no loopholes. Say that you'll stay, with me, forever."

"Samantha", he whispered my name and I could hear it all in his voice. He was angry for what I had had to experience and he was happy that I was still there in his arms. He was sad and blamed himself for ever hurting me. And he was humbled by the fact that I still loved him. I waited him to make his move. I waited until he spoke those words I needed to hear.

"I'll stay."