BLOG FAIRY

Season of Snow

When I woke up, I noticed what a great day it was. I really should have walked Lovino to the park or the harbor or a movie or something but unfortunately, I was still in Burbanna and walking away wasn't allowed.

I could open the window though. With an all mighty shove, I managed to side a pane open. Years of uselessness had made it sticky with rust and spider threads but also made the air remarkably more life-giving when it filled the room. The room omitted a heavy sigh; the powerful walls were once again alive.

I sat back down in the bed and made a list of all the things I wanted once I was finally done with this. I wanted to go see the Christmas decorations or get all bundled up and stand on top of The Rock for a while. Of course, not all my desires were so innocent. I am a man, of course. I wanted to hold Lovino tight and kiss him and celebrate the changing season how other couples did. I wanted to take him to bed on a cold night or fool around in the theater but some cravings cannot be fulfilled and frankly, shouldn't…at least, not yet. He was too young for that. He needed to learn his own desires and understand the situation we would be in once we took that step.

For now I would just have to sneak kisses and tell him my feelings over and over until they became known fact. I didn't mind that. I couldn't imagine doing anything with him that would destroy his innocence just yet. The boy was still an infant in the eyes of humanity, after all. He was still mesmerized by pictures that move and heat without fire.

I had my first meeting with my private councilor today. I didn't think there were very many normal people in this place but he sure fits the bill. His name was Doctor Samson Hanegan, born in Michigan with family in Toronto. His descents were an unknown mix of every European ethnicity but mostly American which left him with ashy skin and a head of graying hair. He had a bachelor's degree in bio chemistry but his plans for the field fell short. He had simple round lenses for his aging eyes and he was a collector of antique personal hygiene materials like the shaving cream canister that was sitting up on top of a filing cabinet.

I knew everything about this man in the first five minutes of meeting him. All it took was a look around his office and a few seconds of introduction. I'm not saying he was a boring person. While, I'm sure, there would be no best sellers explaining his life, he was still a person who could tell you about his father or his first bike with the same magic as an ancient storyteller.

"So, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself then Antonio? You seem like a nice guy." He said with a little chuckle. Old guys always find the smallest things funny. He was certainly a master at his job; he was like a person whisperer. It must have been his happy attitude or gentle age but I already wanted to tell him my whole life story.

"I'm Spanish. I was born in Spain in 1986 so I'm twenty-six now." He nodded and smiled, even though we both knew that what I was saying was completely meaningless. "I've lived here for eight years, I was in school for graphic design but not anymore and… that's it."

"That's all? Then why are you here?" He leaned forward, as if interested in my story.

"I have problems with my mood." I confessed shyly.

"Ah. Well, maybe you should tell me about that then."

I proceeded to explain the story of Ruthie Henshall and Rico Florentino and even Lovino at the end. That part of my story was fun and exciting. I couldn't help it. I always became excited when I talked about the fairy.

"So, what kind of relationship do you have with Lovino?" He asked.

"Well…it's complicated."

"How do you feel about that? What kind of relationship do you want to have with him?"

"I don't know. I guess just a good one is my hope. As long as he doesn't hate me, then I'm happy."

"What kind of relationship do you want?"

I though about that. "I want him to love me… but I can't be selfish enough to ask that of him."

"That's not a bad thing to want. Do you love him?"

"More than anything, really."

"And you've told him that?"

"Plenty."

"How does he react to that?"

A smile worked its way over my face as I thought about him. I could imagine him as if her were right in front of me. "He acts angry but that's because he's trying his hardest not to smile." I imagined his face getting red as he told me to shut up. He was perfect.

"It sounds like he's afraid of commitment. Try talking to him about past relationships, which might be his area of uncertainty. Maybe it's just something you'll have to be patient with."

"Really? How do I do that?" Finally, he had my full attention.

"Well, first ask him his true feelings about you."

"What?" Lovino responded once I asked him, half way through visiting hours, what his true feelings about me were. The moment my counseling session ended, I went to the visiting room and waited for him with the questions prepared. He arrived at 2:10 but he was too busy showing me his presents to sit down and talk about relationships.

"How do you feel about me?" I repeated.

"Uh…good?" He sat up and looked at me quizzically. "Why?"

"What kind of relationship do you want to have with me?"

"Antonio, just tell me what the hell is going on. You know I don't get hints."

"Just tell me what kind of relationship you want to have."

He sighed. "I don't know."

"Common Lovi!" I cried with excitement. "Okay, pretend the words is completely perfect. What is our relationship then?"

"Uh… we're at home and not a psychiatric hospital."

"Okay. Good start, good. Keep going."

He uncrossed his arms and readjusted himself, looking up so he could get a little more in the mood. "Uhm… we eat lots of tomatoes take a lot of naps."

He glanced at me curiously, asking silently if he should continue. I nodded happily. He crossed his legs up the chair and continued to think. "And… sometimes we go on long walks but only when our shoes are clean. And some nights we just sit and watch people…but only when the weather is too cold and gloomy to do anything else."

He took a deep relaxing breath, his features softening. "And…and when it's hot outside, we just take off our socks and talk about nothing. And when we're hungry, we put a pot on the stove and throw all sorts of good things in there and we turn up the music loud and wait for something amazing to be made…" I have to admit, his ideas of perfection were very strange but strange in a fairytale way. It was the sort of story only a native pix could dream up.

"And… when something great has happened, we talk about how great it is for the whole day. And when bad things happen, we dance for the whole day… and when we're done dancing…" He woke himself up there, dropping his feet back onto the ground and scowling at me. "This is stupid."

"No, you were doing so good~!" I objected.

"This is stupid! I don't want to do it anymore."

"Alright, alright." I let his mood settle for a while, occasionally popping a chocolate chip into my mouth. Lovino had brought the bag of chocolate chips today after finding it in the very back of the cupboard. They were dry and stale but regardless, they tasted like chocolate. "So…" I started up again, "What about previous relationships?"

He didn't seem nearly as threatened by this question. "I had a brother. That's it."

"Were you two close?"

"I don't know. I guess so but we didn't spend a lot of time together. I worked my ass off so we could eat but Feliciano … he could ask a stranger for dinner and they'd be more than happy to give him theirs. He never worked for anything. He just played with his friends all day and danced around like a fool."

"Where was he when… when…"

"When I was shunned? He disowned me. We fought and he ran off, saying I wasn't his brother anymore." He was able to say that with such little emotion, like he hadn't even known the man who left him that day. "Can we be done know?" He asked, annoyed. I knew there was more to that. He was still hurting real bad of that… but I dropped it.

"Yeah, alright. Sorry."

"Whatever." He mumbled and took guide book of New York City out of his bag and flipped the pages. He stopped on a picture of Saint Patrick's Cathedral and showed it to me. "I want to go there." He announced.

"Why?" I leaned in closer, studying the impressive pillars of the castle.

"I want to see the baby." He shut the book and stuffed it back into his bag.

"What baby?"

"The magic baby that is born there. I saw it on the TV. It said that on a special day, Genius, the son of God is born and this church is going to gather to see it. I want to go with you."

The realization of what he was trying to tell me finally struck. "Oh! You mean the birth of Jesus, not Genius."

"I don't see how a human baby can be considered a genius at birth or why so many people would want to see him."

"No, Jesus was born a long lime ago. We gather to celebrate the anniversary of his birth."

"So there's not a real baby?"

"Well, there's a nativity scene. There are sculptures that look like the people who were actually there, including the baby."

"Is the baby there or not?"

"Religiously speaking, yes. Physically, no."

"I don't understand."

"I know. It's very complicated. Everybody goes to church to celebrate the beginning of the baby's life because the baby is so important to them. It's like a world-wide birthday party. We give and get presents and we eat lots of food and sing and dance. It's just one big party."

"Can we go to the party?"

"Sure. We'll have to get up very very early to go to mass but we can definitely celebrate Christmas. Maybe we'll go to Spain for a week or so before."

"Is Sanna Jesus?"

"No, Santa Clause is different."

"Why?"

I laughed. "At home I have a book of Christmas stories that you'll have to read."

"I can't read!"

"Well I'll teach you with that book."

"Why teach me if you can read?"

"I can't read to you every time you need something read."

He groaned in frustration. "In the perfect world, you read to me whenever I want you to."

"Too bad we don't live in a perfect world." I pressed my lips lightly onto his brow and received a slap in return.

"In the perfect world, people don't go around molesting each other all the damn time, idiot!" There's the Lovino I know and love.

"Lovi, where are you learning all these swear words?"

"I made them up." He spat.

"No you didn't."

Finally, the smile returned to his face. "Maybe I did."

"Maybe you're a liar!" I countered.

"Maybe you're a stupid fuck brain!" Our eyes finally met and locked.

"I love you…" I murmured, still smiling. It was so true. I loved him. I loved how he saw the world and how he imagined perfection and even how he swore. For once, he didn't force his eyes away or call me an idiot. Blood rushed to his face, making his cheeks burn pink. He closed his eyes, angled his head and pushed his lips against mine.

My eyes closed instantly and I kissed him back. When he pulled away a few seconds later, he looked at me for a response. I smiled. "How come you can do that but not say that you love me?" I asked.

He didn't answer my question and instead leaned in and took another kiss, this time a little longer and rougher. After that, he took his bag and just left.

My mother and father dropped by as promised and wished me luck. My mother gave me a good long warning about falling in love with strangers and how she'd always be there for me if something were to go wrong between us. She also mentioned that she thought Lovino was good for me and that I should take care of him well.

They left for Spain that day and stopped visiting. I saw Francis the next day and Lovino never failed to visit. I wasn't a success story by any means. I never opened up in my counseling group and I had the same conversations everyday with . He taught me about organizing my feeling and how to communicate efficiently with Lovino. We even did an exercise once where he made me flip my lid and then showed me how to calm myself down (I ended up breaking a lamp though).

I attended the necessary motivational speeches about bettering my life. Only one actually motivated me and it was this guy's life story. He has heavy mood swings as well but he was able to overcome them and go on to become a published writer. Unfortunately, I'm an awful writer so I couldn't necessarily follow in his footsteps but he sure did make me excited about doing stuff.

Lovino became certified as my responsible caretaker. All he had to do was fill out some papers that asked how often we would be together and how easy it would be for me to contact him. Thankfully, he had no criminal history (Though that was only because he'd never been caught) and he could add raising his brother single-handedly to the list of qualifications. He also had to meet and be approved by Dr. Hanegan which was no problem.

It took two weeks to get him verified but he passed the requirements. I would have to stay within five miles of him at all times for two weeks, according to the terms of release but after that, I was free as a bird!

Total time in Burbanna: Six weeks.

I was very accomplished compared to other patients who had to start over again and again due to misbehavior or unprogressing behavior. I would have been lumped in with that crowd had not been for the scribble of a snow globe and a schedule of stabilizing pills.

Lovino never once said those three words again. I tried to discretely inspire him to do so but I had no luck. I professed my love to him many times without response. I worked diligently on my exercises and participated in every group council but no praise came in the form of those three words.

Instead, he would congratulate me or read a paragraph of a Christmas carol (which took him forever) as a reward. On the rarest of occasions, he'd kiss me or fall asleep on me but never did he say those three words.

Francis and set up his old Christmas tree in my apartment for Lovino. I have to admit, I felt like shit every time he told be about all of the life I was missing out on. So many times I wanted to throw a fit and cry and break things but I would look at the snow globe and remind myself that I had to be out before Christmas. No way in hell would I spend Christmas in Burbanna. I may not be there to cut out snow flakes with Lovino but at least I would be able to see them when the holiday finally arrived.

Everyday, without fail, I would open my window. I didn't care how cold it was outside. I just wanted to feel like part of the season, like the world hadn't left me out.

My last day was December tenth… it was an interesting day.

When I woke up, it was the coldest day by far. White fluff covered every surface in thick blankets, making the world look surreal almost. The medication lady came around right on schedule to bring me my morning pill. I felt pretty good taking the pill because I knew it would keep me from hurting Lovino. I could be normal Antonio is I just swallowed the little blue caplet.

I got dressed in one of the three t-shirts I had. I was allowed to bring my own clothes but Lovino wouldn't bring me more than three outfits because he didn't want me to feel like I had moved in. anyways, it beats a hospital gown.

I went down to the cafeteria and had breakfast. As much as I love soggy muffins and fruit everyday, I was more than ready to go home and eat cinnamon pop tarts. Today Lovino would be coming at ten since we both had a meeting with board member Sophia Verbenzira and so we could do some paperwork and I could get sighed out.

Waiting for time to pass became a slow death. There were plenty of thing I could do but didn't want to. I could read a magazine or watch people march around in the snow but I wasn't in the mood for that. I wasn't even the mood to visit Jay. I sat around counting ceiling panels and letting my mind ponder how they designed the windows in Bergdorf Goodman.

A nurse finally came by my room to summon me. I was taken to 's office through a series of pasty yellow halls where Lovino was already waiting. I walked in just as Lovino was disrobing himself of his layers of winter attire. His hair still had puffy white flakes sticking to it. I brushed them off and warned him about keeping his hair dry to avoid hypothermia.

" ." said, interrupted our lovers quarrel in which Lovino was arguing that he could do whatever he wanted.

"Yes! Sorry." I took my hands away from his hair and sat up straight.

" , it seems you've done well here. Do feel like staying here helped you gain control of your disability?" She asked, reading off the paper in front of her.

"Mm-hm." I nodded.

"Good, I'm glad." She flashed me a professional smile. It was the kind of smile that only a board director or a president of a company could give, y'know, the kind that was printed on fancy fed-ex paper and posted around businesses in big frames. I always wondered if they had to take some class to learn how to smile like that but know I knew it was just a strange nature.

"Doctor. Hanegan, " She turned, addressing the happy old man in his happy old man sweater, "You can say, with all your professional qualification, that has made remarkable progress here and is mentally stable?"

"For sure, for sure." He answered with a nod.

"And -"

"Just Lovino." He corrected.

"What?"

"It's just Lovino. No 'mr'."

"Ah, okay. Lovino, you are willing to commit to being 's responsible caretaker? You understand the full responsibilities of this position?"

Lovino simply grunted and nodded.

"Can I see your verified certificate?" She asked and was answered with a folded and crumbled note from Lovino's coat pocket. She was taken aback by his treatment of the parchment but accepted it. She held it up to the light to verify the signature then scribbled her own onto a separate document.

We were all handed a survey/contract. Mine asked me to rate my experience with the staff, the councilors and the group. It asked questions about how often I become mentally unstable, how often I took medication, how comfortable I was with reentering the business world.

It also asked about my age, gender, race, prior disabilities, ect. I felt a twinge in my heart when a had to mark 'non applicable' on the question about my sexual activity. It's been a while…

I signed my name after a whole bunch of boring terms and agreement and handed it back to her. Once we had all completed the paperwork, there were a few more questions and I was signed out. Just like that, all it took was some ink on paper and clicks in the computer.

That was probably the most frustrating part of this whole week. To see how easy it was for her to just let me go… it was nauseating. I had been stuck there for six weeks, working my ass off to get better so I could go home and enjoy Christmas with my love while all she had to do was click a few buttons.

That was probably the closest I had ever gotten to having an unplanned mood swing. I swear, I was a second away from flipping her desk and using every swear word I knew against these assholes and I would have done just that if it weren't for Lovino who grabbed my hand just in the nick of time. It wasn't a firm, comforting grip. It was a grip of such force and anger that it could have broken a finger. It was like he was silently telling me to not even dare.

He came with me to gather up my belonging from my temporary room. The entire walk, he refused to look at me. He just stomped along, displaying a big bottom-lipped scowl. I went into the room and started collecting my things while he stood in the door way, pissy as all hell.

"You were going to flip, I can tell." He growled, finally breaking the silence.

"Well…I was close." I picked up the last thing, a lone sock, from under the bed.

"Fuck you." He spat, completely meaning to damn me to hell. "Do you know what would happen if you did that?"

"Lovi?" I asked, startled.

"YOU'D WIND UP IN HERE AGAIN, YOU LAZY BUM FUCK!" He snarled, only uncrossing his arms so he could express his anger better with extreme hand gestures.

"Woah, it's okay, Lovi-"

"IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY! DON'T BLOW IT OFF LIKE IT'S SOME STUPID JOKE! IF YOU WIND YOURSELF BACK IN HERE, I WON'T BE COMING TO VISIT YOU! YOU FUCK'N JERK!" The moment those salty water marbles started tumbling down his face, I realized what I'd done. I'd put Lovino though all of that, asked him to sacrifice everything, sent him home alone everyday for six weeks yet he returned loyally each and every day. He trudged through the snow everyday to see me and I was an inch away from blowing it all just to satisfy my moment of frustration.

I took the little one into my arms, not that he wanted me to though. He fought his hardest to get away from me but kept him close, accepting his hardest hits as a small but very much deserved punishment. "I HATE YOU, LET GO! STOP IT!" I refused to comply. He grew weak rather quickly and gave up, falling limp in my arms and sobbing.

"I'm so sorry Lovino." I told him. He countered it with another 'shut up' and a lazy punch. "I was selfish, I'm sorry baby." I gave kiss after kiss to his cold and wet head.

I continued to tell him how sorry I was and he continued to wail and cry. When the tears ran out, I sat his weak frame on the bed and knelt down so we were eye to eye. "You wanted to spend the Christmas season with me, didn't you? That's why you wanted to go to Christmas mass."

He nodded and whipped the last of the dampness from his cheeks.

"Then we'll go! We'll go to mass and ice skate in front of The Rock and play in the snow and everything! I'll throw so much Christmas at you, you won't know where's it's coming from!"

"And a pumpkin…I want to make a face in a pumpkin…" He added.

"As you wish." I kissed his face all over.

"I'm going to be mad at you… for the next week…at least."

"A week? During Christmas? Where's your Christmas cheer!?"

"Fine, two days."

"Two days it is. You be as mad as you want to."

"And we have to do whatever I want to do." It was so cute how he had reverted back to such a childlike phase. Of course, I wouldn't dare tell him, lest my sentence lengthen.

"Of course." I agreed, kissing his droopy bangs.

"We're going to get up early everyday. I'm not letting you sleep your lazy ass in."

"I wouldn't dare."

"And we're going to eat spagettiO's and tomatoes."

"And take long walks…but only if our shoes are clean." I added with a smile. "Do you forgive me?"

He gave it a moment of consideration. "No." And with that, she playfully shoved me aside and made his way out as I toted behind.

Christmas didn't know what it had coming.