Over the days following my awaking I decide that I hate hospitals, I hate healers and I hate being stuck in this stupid bed and not being able to do whatever I bloody want.
The healers explain it all. My hips are damanged and that's why when I walk I want to scream in agony. A mass of scars are covering my pelvis and thighs that make me wince whenever I list the covers. My arm though, they can't really explain. They just hope it doesn't mean I've damaged my spine. I spend the week slowly moving my fingers and every day more and more feeling slowly comes back to them. By the end of the second week I can move my hand but my arm is still lacking in activity. I just wanted to be able to use a knife and fork again.
My parents came every day of course, so does Emily. She mainly comes after work and sometimes during to give me a quick kiss which I always enjoy. It kills me a little though. Whenever I'm in pain or need help she's always there right away looking after me and helping me. I don't know how she isn't sick of it but then again it is her job, she does it every day.
Does that mean I'm her job now?
I can't help but snap at her sometimes. I tend to do it at everyone now. I'm sick of being waited on and helped and needing someone there just so I can do the simplest tasks. But when I do yell or say something I don't mean she doesn't seem to care, it's like she expects it. I'm slowly starting to hate myself for it.
One morning during the second week I'm eating my breakfast when she shows up, Emily's aunt. I almost chocked on my toast when I saw her standing in the doorway with a disapproving look. "What are you doing here?" I say to her, it sounding as displeased as I felt.
"Charming. I can see what my niece finds so attractive in you." She enters even though I don't ask her to and takes a seat, pulling a small face at the room then at me.
"Can I help you with something?" I ask, not wanting her to be here longer than necessary. I still remember what happened the first time I met her and even though she didn't make any of the comments towards Emily or her dad, it still made my blood boil that she didn't say anything in Emily's defence.
"Actually, Yes." She finally said. "You can stop seeing my niece."
I snort so loudly I'm sure people in the waiting room can hear it. "Excuse me."
"You heard me." She says calmly.
"Why would I do that?"
"Because if you cared about her, you would. My sister informed me of what happened to you and how Emily took it."
"You're insane." I tell her with another snort.
"I realise that for some twisted reason Emily enjoys your company,"
"She loves me." I tell her sharply. "And I love her."
"Yes." She sighs. "If you say so. But your…predicament is going to affect her as much as it does you. I trust you have enough intelligence to realise that."
"How you work that one out?"
"Apparently you don't." She sighs again and I have the sudden urge to throw my toast at her, Jam side up. "It's going to take a long time for you to heal Fredrick."
"Just Fred." I tell her.
She sighs yet again before continuing to speak. "Fred. And Emily, being who she is – is going to want to look after you and be there for you a large amount of the time, which WILL inevitably affect her. She'll neglect work to look after you because she….loves…you, as you say. Honestly boy, do you really want her to be looking after you for however long it takes you to get better, if you do at all. You're a cripple now,"
"I am not a cripple!" I snapped angrily. "I'll get better…"
"…see it as you will. But you're not going to be running around and flying a broomstick anytime soon. If you two do decide to get married and have children in the future, although I don't see that happening, how do you expect to help her raise them when you can't even walk without help? Can you honestly tell me that it hasn't crossed your mind at least once?"
Yes, of course it had. Of course the idea that I would never be able to walk properly has crossed my fucking mind; in fact it was the only thing I ever thought about when I was left alone without anything to take my mind off it. Even so, I never wanted to admit that to anyone, least of all this woman. "I'll get better" I repeated. Although I was starting to believe it less and less.
"Yes, I heard you the first time. But if you did care about her you'd separate from her before you get her stuck. And goodness knows she wouldn't break it off with you. She would feel far too guilty about leaving you in your time of need."
"Why do you care about her so much? After what your husband said to her and you just sat there and let him."
"He was just stating a fact. But now that this war is over Emily can go and do whatever she pleases. She's bright and young and thankfully takes after her mother in looks rather than her…father. I don't want to see her stuck here looking after you for the rest of her life. That boy she was with before was far better suited to her in any case."
"He was a scumbag." I immediately said cleaning up my words a fair bit from what I actually wanted to say about him.
"Well he comes from a good wizarding family…with money, he can provide a good life for her."
"I can do that." I say sharply. "Although, she doesn't need anyone to provide a good life for her. She doesn't need to be looked after."
"Unlike you." She retorted. "I just want to make sure she's happy. I may not seem like that kind of person but I do care about my family."
"So, you want me to break up with Emily…so she can be happy?"
"Exactly." She said, this time with a small smile.
"Even though she's happy with me?"
"Oh really? Because from what I've heard the past couple of months she's been in nothing but hell. And you didn't exactly make her school life easy from all the tales my sister has told me. She'll get over you. It's not as if you're the great love of her life. You're just some nuisance that's in the way and needs to be taking care of, like a nasty garden gnome."
I gritted my teeth to stop myself from saying what I wanted to. The C word came to mind several times.
"Why delay the inevitable?" she finally said.
That night when Emily came to see me she had brought along a box of my favourite muggle sweets. I had discovered them at her flat one day and had become addicted to the little suckers, wolfing down the lot while she was having a bath. When she handed me the small paper bag I picked a pink one and nibbled the edge of the wafer before sucking out all the sherbet, then eating the rest. Emily watched me in amused fascination as I ate another three the same way then smiled sweetly at her. "Thanks." I finally said and offered her the bag. She peeked in and picked out a blue popping the whole thing into her mouth and pulling a face at the sudden fizziness.
We talked about our day. She mentioned work hadn't been that exciting which even though boring, was usually a good thing. I didn't mention the fact her aunt had come to visit, instead I told her how I managed to walk across the room without collapsing in pain and she smiled sadly. "You'll get better." She said, picking another blue one. "It will just take time."
That was the worst part. I'm not exactly the most patient person and the time it was taking me to progress was starting to drive me insane.
"Oh." She suddenly said and swallowed her mouthful. "I was speaking to your mother the other day and she was telling me that when you're finally let out, she wants you to go back to the burrow for a while, until your healed properly."
"Oh merlin." I groaned. "No. I don't think I can take my mother fusing over me that much."
"You're telling me you wouldn't enjoy 24/7 bed service and being waited on hand and foot."
"I would," I half laughed. "But, not when I'm like this. I'd rather just go back to the flat if I'm going to perfectly honest."
"I understand that." She said quietly, breaking off bits of wafer on the sweet she was holding and popping them into her mouth. "Well, perhaps I could come stay with you for a bit. It would probably be best to have a healer around anyway, just in case."
"But...you have work."
She shrugged as she eyed me. "Well, that's ok. I'll take some time off and come and help you."
More like look after me. Everything her aunt had mentioned earlier was starting to slowly slink back into my mind. You're a cripple now. You're a cripple. Cripple."You would do that?" I asked. "Take time off work to look after me."
"Well it wouldn't be looking after, would it?" she shrugged. "Just helping you. They wouldn't mind they're rather good about that."
"How long?"
"As long as it takes I suppose."
I realised then that this wasn't fair, and that Emily's stupid Aunt had been right. It wasn't fair that she had to look after a half cripple for the rest of her life. Emily had warned me, she had told me something bad would happen if I went to Hogwarts and I chose to ignore it. And now she was stuck here looking after me and it was my entire fault. Not just her looking after me, everyone looking after me. They never complained and that made it worst. When I was around mum or George I played it up for a bit of extra attention, but when I was with her I tried to hide it as much as I possibly could. I hated her seeing me in pain and like this. Sometimes I wish she would complain, but she wasn't like that. She became a healer for a reason, because she was compassionate and because she loved to look after and help people. I just wish I wasn't one of the people she had to look after.
"You're going to get sick of me." I told her. She smiled and nodded. "Probably."
I felt a sharp pain in my gut. "You'll get sick of looking after me all the time."
"Probably." She repeated with another smile. She edged up a little and kissed me lightly, one of her hands moving to the back of my neck to pull my head in closer. I was going to miss that. I was really going to miss that. "And I told you. I wouldn't be looking after you. Just helping." She added.
"I don't think we should be together anymore." I said quietly. It just came out. I hadn't meant to say it, not right then but it just fell out my stupid mouth.
"Well I'm a secretly a lesbian, so that works out." She chuckled, not taking me seriously at all, that just made it worse.
I couldn't do this. She deserved so much better than me, I always knew that. There was a part of me that always knew she deserved someone brighter and handsome and someone who didn't pick stupid fights with her just because he enjoyed it. Gods. How could she stand me? Here was my chance to let her get out of this, to go find someone better and I had to take it. I didn't deserve someone as good as her.
"Emily I've been thinking about us." I said sternly. "I don't – I don't think we should see each other anymore."
The smile suddenly disappeared from her face and she moved back from me. "What are you talking about?"
"It' not fair that you have to look after me." I told her. "I shouldn't be allowed to ask something like that from you and to put you through that every bloody day it's just…it's not fair on you. It's not fair on anyone. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get better. Not even back to normal just...better than this."
"Fred I don't care that you're hurt, you know that. And you're getting better! Your arm is – is nearly there and you're walking has improved."
"Not much." I grunted. "It still hurts every time I move my body I want to scream out in agony. And that's worst, you not caring that I'm hurt." I said angrily, avoiding her gaze. "I want you to care; I want you to be angry that I'm this way."
"Of course I'm…angry but…Fred I wouldn't care if you had lost both your legs I would still love you and want to be with you. I'm just glad you're alive! Why would you want me to hate every second of this?"
"Because I do." I quietly told. "I hate being stuck like this and I don't want to drag you down with me."
"Fred, I have no idea what has suddenly brought this on but you've got to stop thinking like that. I know you're having a hard time."
"Not you don't." I said harshly, trying to stop it from coming out as a yell. "I've been thinking like this for a while." I lied. Well, it was only partly true. This idea didn't plant itself in my head until today, but it had been drifting in and out for a fair few. Mainly when I realised I probably wouldn't be the same, ever.
"You're insane."
"Yeah I am. I'm insane and you're level headed, that's why we worked so bloody well. Now I'm just some cripple who can't even bloody feed himself properly. I wish I had," I suddenly stopped. She didn't ask me what I was going to say, I had a feeling she knew already. "I think…you should leave Em….Emily." As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth I instantly regretted it. She sits there for a while and looks at me, as if any second I'm going to tell her it was a joke, A really bad one. When neither of us have spoken, she stands and dusts the small flecks of sherbet off her skirt. I kept thinking if maybe she protested one more time I would let her win, tell her how stupid I was. Instead she silently slings her bag over her shoulder.
"Is this what you really want?" she asks. She's looking down at the ground, I can see her eyes glisten with tears and I realise she doesn't want to look at me. Probably because she's starting to hate me.
"Yes." I lie. It's not what I want, but I know it's what I have to do.
"It's funny. One minute we're eating flying saucers and the next, you're dumping me."
I see a range of emotions flicker through her eyes as she finally forced them up to me. Although I can't tell what a single one of them are, I'm guessing none of them are good. I was scared to look away or blink, thinking if I did I'd lose her forever. Then when Emily turns and walks straight out of the room, I realise that I have.