Author's Note: Just to clarify, the Lukas mentioned in this chapter is from RF, not ToT.
Chapter Twenty-One
"Mr. Makani? Is there something wrong? You've been fidgeting all morning..."
"Ah, no, there's nothing wrong," I replied quietly, slouching back in my chair. Except that my butt went numb about an hour ago, but you know, I really don't mind all that much. However, despite my mental commentary, I still settled my foot back on the floor, but soon enough it began to bounce again as the conversation started up once more. I really couldn't help it, though, since I'd been sitting there for the greater part of two and a half hours, and I was growing more restless with the whole situation and even more disgusted with the other men who'd been 'asked' to come here for this group therapy session. I just figured that if tapping my foot kept me from lashing out at anyone, it was a fair enough trade.
Our instructor eyed me curiously as she brushed back her magenta-colored hair, but her amber gaze finally returned to the other man who'd been speaking this whole time. There was only three of us taking this damn course together, and yet he'd managed to out talk us all so far. I wasn't sure what he'd been talking about all this time since he tended to say a lot about absolutely nothing. She still let him keep going, though, which I just couldn't understand, but who was I to say anything about it when I usually couldn't shut up myself?
"Go on, Lukas," she urged him. "You were saying?"
"Thank you, Lara. It's nice to know I'm finally being heard by someone," he continued with a faint chuckle. As I'd done so many times before, he'd offered her a rather charming smile, and although she tried to hide it, I could tell from the faint blush that she'd fallen for it. Poor girl had apparently forgotten everything he'd said during today's session since he'd only just been bragging about just how he'd finally persuaded his editor to give him a story of his own for the front page. Now he had every right to be ambitious, but what I had a problem with was how he got there.
I had to admire his poor planning strategy, of course. After all, he'd decided to work his way through his boss's secretary to get to the head woman herself which, I'll admit, would seem like a good idea at first. However, he didn't take into account the fact that women have a habit of talking to one another at some point or other, and that was what brought him here most likely. Just because a girl will tell you everything you ever wanted to know about another, she'll still be able to find out how you played her in the end if you're not careful. Unfortunately, he hadn't figured that out although no one else had brought it to his attention, either.
What really bothered me the most about the whole situation was that I was probably the only one who knew the real reason I was here. I didn't have any illusions about what I'd done because I'd had more than enough wake up calls in the past month to rattle my brain around a bit and clear up any confusion I might've had. I overstepped a lot of boundaries just for the sake of a few, cheap thrills, and now I was stuck in a room with two other guys and a woman who had absolutely no idea that they were only fooling themselves into thinking it was the rest of the world's fault that we were sitting in a circle with our fingers crammed in our ears.
Not to mention that the only bad decisions were the ones that I'd made myself.
"Kai, what your take on all of this?" the woman asked quietly as I faded back into the conversation. I only narrowed my eyes at the man sitting across from me, and I realized that he seemed to be rather young although it might've just been his sandy blonde hair and dark blue eyes that made me think of him as such. "You seem to have been thinking carefully about the matter, so maybe you would like to offer us some insight?"
"So you'd like to hear me out for once?" I sighed with a weak smile. She simply nodded encouragingly for me to continue, but I had feeling she wouldn't be so eager after she got a piece of my mind about the situation he was in. After all, it probably didn't go along with whatever she'd read in those books of hers, and I was pretty sure of that since Claire used to read the exact same ones once upon a time. "Well... first off I don't like this little plan of yours." Both the instructor and her golden boy raised an eyebrow which just annoyed me further. I mean... how could they not see that that's exactly what had gone on? Did both of them just ignore his whole story? "You can't just work your way to the top by hitching up a couple of skirts, you know."
"Mr. Makani, that language is-"
"I know what it is," I replied cooly, "but sometimes you aren't suppose to make things sound all nice and pretty." She shrunk back into her seat to hear me put it so plainly, but I didn't pay any attention since I was too busy glaring at the man sitting next to her. "Like I was saying, women aren't just a means to your own damn ends."
"Aren't you here because you were trying to get with your boss?" she countered smoothly. "If you ask me... that just makes you the hypocrite here."
"You're wrong," I muttered darkly. "I might have been trying to pick her up for the night, but I wasn't going to gain anything from something like that. Just remember all those other times I'd been with her," I reminded him with an irritated growl. Although I knew Grace was probably thinking the exact same thing he was, I also knew that neither explanation was the right one. While I might've told them as much, it was only because they wouldn't believe the real reason I'd done it, and there was no point in trying to say what they weren't interested in hearing. Give 'em what they want... because it's the path of least resistance. My mouth had gotten me in more than enough trouble without insulting these people as well. "I just wanted to have some fun with an old friend of mine is all."
"Did you ever consider her feelings, though, Kai?" Lara scolded me gently. "After all, she told you to stop, and you still persisted." And stop means stop, I added dully in my mind, reciting a lecture from my younger days. "A woman deserves respect just as any man does."
That was the point where I just couldn't take any of the bull shit anymore. It wasn't like I didn't accept what she was said or anything, but it was the way she said as if it was completely beyond me and the others to ever understand that got to me. That condescending tone of hers, filled with pity for the three of us, was more than enough to threaten to push me off of the edge, and I couldn't shake the impression it left me. Just where was the respect in that?
However, I'd said more than my fair share already, and that was why I picked myself up off my folding chair without a single word to anyone in that room. Even though it almost never showed itself, I still had a temper just like any other. I wasn't the kind of man to throw his fists around, of course, but if it came down to it, I had something of a wicked tongue. Usually I ended up saying the worst possible things during those situations, and by the time I realized it... it was always too late to take an of it back or even try to explain myself.
"Looks like someone's having a pissy day, too," a voice chuckled just as I stepped outside. I immediately went to shoot a glare over to where it had come from, but it took me a minute to realize that whoever it was was sitting beside me. "Need a smoke?" the man offered, grinning up at me as he went to hand me one.
"No, that's alright," I assured him with a faint smile. "I don't smoke these days."
"And neither do I. Never did," he replied with a nod. I raised a eyebrow curiously, but he only laughed which caused his blonde hair to fall into his deep, brown eyes. "I just carry 'em with me in case someone else does," he explained. "Especially when they're looking like you, man." Then, with another laugh, he asked, "So I guess you're skipping out on this, too, huh?"
"Just for today," I assured him, smiling a little myself. "What're you in for?" I teased as I leaned back against the wall just outside the building I'd come out of. Oddly enough, I felt I really would've looked the part of a delinquent if I'd actually taken that cigarette he'd offered me. After all, it wasn't as if I hadn't been one in the past... so it might even make me feel a little nostalgic for the days when the only thing I had to worry about when it came to girls was knocking one of them up.
"Cheating," he explained with an indifferent shrug. "My girlfriend wanted me to come here after she caught me with someone else." He seemed to think on this for a moment longer as he closed his eyes in wistful thought, and he stayed like that for so long that I wondered if he'd fallen asleep. However, just when I rightened myself to leave, he stirred once again with a yawn. "It was just a joke, though... me kissing that other girl an' all."
And it was just for fun... going to that strip club an' all I echoed although I knew it was more than just that. I went there because I couldn't be satisfied with what I had, and that's where I'd messed the whole thing up so damn royally. It shouldn't have been about me at all, though. I was only running away from the very girl I should've been helping instead of worrying about my own struggle with trying to do that for her. She needed someone... and yet I'd let her down by not even trying to do anything at all. I guess it wasn't too surprising when I thought about it now.
Hell... I didn't even know how to help myself, let alone someone else.
"Excuse me, gentleman, but... aren't you both supposed to be in your group sessions right about now?" We both jumped as we turned our attention towards the woman who was standing just outside the doors and wearing a bright smile to see us there. Despite her welcoming expression, though, I still felt a shiver run down my spine, and my companion must've noticed this as well since he stood up as soon as she scolded the two of us. Of course, I was pretty sure that anyone would be more than willing to listen to her if they were under the gaze of those peculiar red eyes of hers. Not to say her pink curls weren't a little strange as well.
"We were just about to head back... weren't we, buddy?" he chuckled, offering her a cheeky grin in return. However, I wasn't about to turn around and go back with my tail tucked between my legs just because someone told me to, but she didn't look surprised to see me still standing stubbornly against the wall even after he'd gone and left me behind.
"You know, some people feel more like talking when they go for a walk," the woman suggested, her smile never wavering. "What do you say we give it a go, huh?"
"Not like I have anything better to do," I agreed with a reluctant sigh. She giggled then, her laughter like that of a little girl, but I couldn't tell if she was pretending or not. "Besides, I'm probably not going to pass this whole 'sensitivity training' thing anyway after ditching like that..." I muttered darkly, my eyes clouding over with frustration. Something told me that I'd be fired by Monday, too, once Grace caught wind of it.
"If you tell me who your instructor is, I could always put in a good word for you," she offered, resting her hand gently on my shoulder. "Of course, it'd help if I knew your name as well."
"Kai Makani," I replied, briefly glancing her way. To be perfectly honest, she really was a lot like Claire appearance wise since she both was incredibly short and unreasonably pale, and she seemed to be just as optimistic as, if not more so than, the other woman I had on my mind. I was also convinced that both women owned the exact same light green top although this one had decided to wear a long skirt with it instead of a mini or a pair of well ironed slacks. However, those similarities just made it harder to keep from going off on her which made me all the more tense and rigid. She didn't seem to notice anything was out of the ordinary, though.
"Oh, you're from Lara's group then," she mused thoughtfully. "I'm actually really surprised she didn't come after you herself... She's always been so strict with her groups before." Then she shook her head in disbelief and said, "I wonder what's gotten into her?"
"Probably just the fact that some guy's trying to sweet talk her for once," I sighed. She turned her head and blinked at me in confusion, but I only waved her off. "It's nothing," I assured her. "She's definitely not the first girl to fall for something like that, I'm sure. He's just good at what he does..."
"And you're not?" she asked doubtfully with a hint of amusement in her voice. "If you ask me, you seem like you could be quite the charmer yourself."
"Right... and just look where it's gotten me," I grumbled as I jammed my fists deep into my pockets. "Now I'm stuck here, listening to a bunch of bull shit I already know, so I won't lose my job... All because I pushed a little too god damn far!" I snapped before lowering my voice again. "If I knew it bothered her so bad, I wouldn't have done anything in the first place..."
"But that's not what's really bothering you, is it?" I looked at the woman skeptically with a raised brow since she didn't seem to be the kind of girl who could read anyone that easily. Maybe I just felt that way because of that bubble gum hair of hers, but she still couldn't have that much insight when it came to other people. Her eyes were too wide and innocent... not to mention she didn't even know me other than my name. However, her gaze was so intense as it fell on me that I was already beginning to wonder if I could be wrong about her. "That's only the reason why you're here," she explained. "I want to know what's the actual problem here."
"The problem?" I echoed. "You want to know what the problem is... The problem is that these people aren't telling me what I want to know," I growled while trying my best to keep my voice down.
"And what is that?" the woman pressed gently. Honestly... I knew she was only trying to be helpful, but she was starting to irritate me now. After all, it wasn't something I wanted to talked through, especially with someone I knew absolutely nothing about. Why was she so interested anyway? Was she doing whatever it was she was supposed to do around this place, or did she have some other unknown reason for trying to figure out just what was eating at me?
"Like... how the hell are you suppose to keep a relationship together when you don't even talk about anything that really matters?" I began, stopping abruptly in the middle of the parking lot. "There's no class you can take for that," I muttered. "I don't really understand what I did wrong... but I know it had nothing to do with the strip club. It started long before that..." The woman's head snapped to face me, but since I didn't really care what she thought of me at that point, I kept on going. Besides, she was the one who wanted to know about my problems in the first place. "It's like I couldn't be around her anymore! I didn't even know what to say most of the time, and I wasn't sure if I should even touch her. It was like I was trying to get away from her..."
As soon as I said it, I felt my heart drop. Because no matter how often I felt it, I'd never let myself put it into words. After all, I knew it wasn't Claire's fault. She didn't just wake up one morning and decide she hated everything about herself. The problem clearly wasn't her; it was me which only frustrated me until... well... everything happened.
"How about someone tell me the right way to deal with a girl who can't even see how great she is?" I continued. "How do you convince her it's okay to eat when you know how much it hurst for her to even swallow that first bite?"
It's not like I could force her to... and I could never ask her to do it for my sake because that was just another way for me to be more selfish than I already was. It was a decision she had to make. However, even though that's what she told me the whole time we were together, I still couldn't help feeling there had to be something I could do to help her. Maybe that's why I was so against Gray being with her now. Strangely enough, he didn't seem to be bothered by any of her countless issues even before I had that little tussle with him back at work. I wasn't mad because he couldn't help her with the things I was afraid of. That was for sure.
"Doesn't it ever get to him, though?" I asked the woman standing next to me. "I mean... when she eats a salad every day for lunch, does he ever wonder if it's his fault she's like that? Like maybe he didn't tell her she was beautiful, cute, or whatever it is that she thinks she isn't. I-"
"Kai, I don't want to stop you... but I want you to know that I don't think you did anything wrong," my companion assured me. I glanced curiously in her direction, but she only offered me a gentle smile. "I'll admit that a trip to a strip club probably wasn't the best thing for you to do, especially since it seems this poor girl has some concerns about her own image, but I can tell you've figured that much out for yourself." I felt my chest tighten slightly since she'd pretty much hit the nail on the head with that keen observation of hers, but I didn't say anything right then. I was really too numb to at that point anyway.
"These things aren't easy for anyone to understand, I don't think," she agreed with a soft sigh. "It still would've been better for you two to try and talk through both of your troubles, though... but even then, there still would've been a chance that things wouldn't have worked out between you." I nodded because I had to admit that probably would've been the case, yet it didn't really help me any.
If anything, it only made me feel worse about the situation.
"Do you think I should just let her go then?" I asked quietly, staring at the pavement. "I though I had it all figured out, but..." I sighed and shook my head. "When you fuck up the second time, there's really no going back, is there?"
"Probably not," she admitted which was just another nail in the coffin of my previous relationship. "I still don't see any problem with being close to her in other ways, though," she continued. "After all, there's nothing stopping you from staying good friends unless she makes it clear otherwise," she offered kindly, her voice ringing with some sense of hope for me.
"Yeah right, not if he has anything to say about it," I chuckled. Just the thought of Gray ever letting me near the young woman again was chasing a pipe dream since he'd made it more than blatantly clear he wanted me as far away as possible from her, but I still appreciated the other's encouragement all the same.
"Oh? So she's already moved on then?" the other mused with a smile. "That's good then..." At first, I only sighed, but after a moment, I at least gave her a shrug and a slight smile in reply. I knew it couldn't be all about me, and she had a good point as well. As soon as the man finally got around to stop drinking once and for all, the two might actually make a nice pair... Even though it was the first time I'd bothered to think about it, I started to realize that there really might be a chance for them in the not so distant future. After four years of working side by side, it'd probably be the most obvious thing in the world for them to be in that kind of relationship.
Of course, knowing how clueless those two were about such things, someone might just have to give them a little push in the right direction...
"Maybe you should try and spend some time by yourself," the woman suggested, seemingly out of the blue. When I turned to stare at her in disbelief, her smile finally faltered some, and I could tell she was just as unsettled as I was though for very different reasons. "Haven't you ever been on your own before?" she asked doubtfully, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow.
"Not that I can remember," I confessed, my face warming just to say it. It was common knowledge that I always had a fall-back of some kind. Ex-girlfriends would usually tide me over until someone new happened to come along, but I didn't exactly have that option this time around. I'd snubbed Karen the last time she'd tried to come onto me, and although you wouldn't know it just by looking at her, she could still hold one hell of a grudge against a man for denying her. Eve and I hadn't spoken since she left me for that deadbeat of hers. Grace was the reason I'd ended up here in the first place, and Claire... Well, I really should've known that was doomed from the start when she told me she had an eating disorder on our first date just before the appetizers to our seven course meal showed up.
As for the others... those were so far in the past I couldn't even remember all their names by now.
"Then I think that's the perfect solution," she decided with a firm nod. "After all, you can't expect to understand someone else if you don't know who you are," she reasoned which was something I had to agree with However, the trouble was that I wasn't so sure I wanted to get to know myself. If today was any indication, I wasn't exactly the kind of person I'd want to know to begin with.
Just as I went to tell her as much, though, the woman took my hand, and before I could even ask her what it was all about, she gave me a small slip of paper. "Still, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'd be more than willing to listen," she offered, her eyes filled with sincerity. "But I really should be getting back now. Volunteers are still on the clock, you know!"
"Could you tell me your name before you go?" I asked, trying to earn back some of my dignity with a smile of my own. "I'd hate to take your advice without knowing at least that much from you," I added as a glimmer of my former charm showed through.
"Popuri," she replied after she flashed me one last brilliant smile. "And it was good meeting you, Mr. Makani."
With that, she disappeared inside, but I still had no intention of going back into that damn building. However, I did managed to bring myself to the front doors if only just to get one last good look at her. She was long gone by then, though, so all I saw was the endless hallways was the school which had been the chosen location for the torture sessions that were being held just inside. Sensitivity training, my ass... If anything, I was slightly more oblivious to the feelings of others than when I went in there, and I was pretty sure that the others hadn't gotten anything out of it, either.
Maybe that's why I was so relieved that Popuri had even bothered to talk to me in the first place although I had a feeling my problems weren't of that much concern to her. Not that they should be, of course, but it'd still be nice to know I hadn't wasted my breath on any of it. Unfortunately, I had a feeling that I wouldn't be needing that slip of paper she gave me since I knew it was a phone number, and that rarely ever led to anything good... especially as of late.
As I glanced down towards the pavement once more, I found the pack of cigarettes left by the man not too long ago, and I bent down to pick them up. I hadn't smoked in years, and yet the sight of them was oddly comforting at the moment when I felt I'd reached one of my lowest points. I didn't even give myself a chance to think about it before I brought one to my lips. "He even left me the lighter," I mused with a smile while I shook my head in amusement. I still hesitated to light it since I knew I was just looking for another way out, but by now that didn't seem to matter all that much. I was tired of dealing with things on my own, and if I couldn't have a girl to help me through the hard times, I might as well pick up something else to distract me for a while.
After all, there was going to be one hell of a lonely wait ahead on me until I got myself straightened out.
--
Author's Note: As for why so many of these characters smoke at one point or another, it's not just for appearances sake. Gray lights up when he's stressed while Grace usually does the same out of aggravation, and as will be shown in future chapters, Kai only has a cigarette when he's severely depressed. Vaughn's probably the only one who smokes simply for pleasure, and he and Grace are the two chain smokers in this series. Oddly enough, though, I don't smoke. Never have. I just think it's adds something to the characters is all.