Yue Ying,
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand why should I care whether or not Zhuge Liang is castrated? Actually, this is one good thing Xun Yu has accidentally done. I am not helping, so... Ha-ha!
Sima Yi
Xiahou Dun,
Xun Yu took your thing again? Well, go beat him until he gives it back, it works every time.
Sima Yi
Xiahou Dun,
Really? I got a letter from you that said... eh, nevermind.
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
I got this letter here and well... hehehe, were you about to do that spell again? If you were, I'll be taking your hands now.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Mm-hm, make sure you don't get offered this again.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
What? I really shouldn't help you. Also, can't you fix your dick yourself since you are so perfect?
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
What? I can't hear you over this demon portal that is holding many of the dicks and uteri that it took from many unfortunate men and women. (Now that I think about, WHY IS THERE A PORTAL SPECIFICALLY FOR PENISES AND UTERI? What are the demons doing with them?)
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Should we give Zhuge Liang back his male parts? I say no.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Ah, if we keep him upset over his missing balls, he'll do the Shu-destroying for us! So, we're in agreement for once.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
One question: WHY IS THERE A PORTAL SPECIFICALLY FOR MALE AND FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
...Demons just do this to piss off the human world...? Well, can you stop them?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
...Now that is... wow... Ugh... Ask Li Dian to place orders with local bakeries to make dick-shaped and uterus-shaped bread.
Sima Yi
P.S: You can't be serious with the dick bread fooling the demons...
Li Dian,
I want you to place an order for dick-shaped bread along with uterus-shaped bread. I know this sounds weird, but Xun Yu needs them to satisfy demons. Okay, that part sounded wrong too.
Sima Yi
Li Dian,
Does it matter what kind of bread?!
Sima Yi
Li Dian,
Just regular plain bread! No raisin! No almond! None! No bread flavors except plain! Got it?
Sima Yi
Li Dian,
I'll shave off that afro of yours if you continue to test me.
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Here's the bread. I find this very weird from every point of view.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
We don't have to give Zhuge Liang's thing back, right?
Sima Yi
Yue Ying,
Too bad! Demons took your husband's thingy and it's lost forever. Well, it looks like sex-less nights for you.
Sima Yi
Yue Ying,
You can't convince me! Nah-nah! All you can do is commit adultery!
Sima Yi
Yue Ying,
Wait, what? Really? No, no, I am not falling for this. My wife tried this with me and I never got to see her and Wang Yi in bed together. She lied to me.
Sima Yi
Yue Ying,
Lady, just commit adultery already.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
I didn't think she'd take my advice. Oh well.
Sima Yi
(I ruined a marriage that's not my own. I feel so accomplished.)
*attached is a letter*
Chunhua,
What is this? Are you telling me to "puk gaai"? Wow, when did this attitude come up? (And since when did you speak this dialect...?)
Sima Yi
*Puk gaai means "go die" or "drop dead" in Cantonese.
Chunhua,
I sent this? I can't speak this language! And this is not my handwriting. Oh, I have an idea.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Nice try. And I didn't know you can speak that dialect. But stick with Mandarin or else you'll twist the audience's heads around.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
There is an audience! (I feel like eyes are barreling into my soul... They're sitting there... watching my every move...)
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Okay, okay. You don't need to tell me on how Lu Su taught you on the language. I don't need your entire character profile. I had twelve years to know anyway.
Sima Yi
Dear "me",
Wait, you're me? How? There's only one me.
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Explain how is this man is me. Besides the fact he's wearing my DW6 clothes.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
You found him in an alternative universe? Well, put him back.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
He's gone! Damn, that me is a fast runner. I forgot I had great agility back then. (I could do frickin' backflips, and now I can barely climb the stairs to the temple in the mountains.)
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
There's another me running around here. The one that killed you. With wires. That served as your chip holder. Could give a woman an orgasm just by staring at her.
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
Oh, you're just jealous that DW6 me could make women fall moaning. I'm pretty sure I can still do this right now.
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
Fine, I'm just flattering myself. Hmph, most of the women that see me try to make me homosexual with either Zhang He or Cao Pi anyway. Sort of a waste since that was when I was at my best. In looks and personality.
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
"Young Sima Yi"? What do you mean by that? If you're planning to call me "Old Sima Yi", I'm going to shoot you.
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Can you tell me on the DW6 me's personality?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Okay, it's basically me except with a pent-up sexually frustrated perverted desire for women. Is that bad?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Ah, he's a rapist. Well... leave you to that...
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
Oh? You have a new name for DW6 me? Let's hear it.
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
..."Fun Sima Yi"? Wait, I'm not fun now? Well, I'm not supposed to be fun, but still...
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
Wow, the name "Fun Sima Yi" caught on fast. Hey! Why didn't you report seeing this deviant?
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
I don't care if that me is more fun and you were drinking with him! Now I have to go chase him down again!
Sima Yi
Zhao,
"Fun Dad", eh? Well, that me is very irresponsible and is a bad influence on you. Now where is he?
Your father
Zhao,
Just because that me lets you eat cookies and marshmallows for dinner doesn't mean he's a good father.
Your father
Zhao,
I'm better than that! Former me is a deadbeat.
Your father
Dear Chunhua,
Did you see me dressed in purple robes with claws?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Oh, I was just there? What happened?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I... violated you...? Wait a minute, you don't exactly look "violated". Are you sure you didn't let "me" on?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I don't understand this. If "I" violated you, why aren't you at least crying or not wanting to talk to me?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
(...You thought it was foreplay...? ...Eh...? I think it's not cheating if it's still me...) Wow... Well, here's the thing... You're going to laugh at this, so well... That guy you thought was me trying something new was not me. That was my rapist clone from DW6.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
HOW DARE YOU CALL HIM "FUN SIMA YI"! You're lucky that WAS me that did you or else we'd be having a very different conversation!
Sima Yi
Dear "Old me",
Get your ass here now.
Sima Yi
Dear Old Me,
I'M "Old Me"? No, no, no, that's you.
Sima Yi
Me,
I became responsible and serious! You just run around looking pretty and being an asshole. And-Oh my god, am I giving MYSELF a lecture?
Sima Yi
Me,
You're the "Fun asshole" and I'm the "Old buzzkill"? We'll see about that.
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Ready the portal! I got "Me" frozen in ice!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Call him "Fun Sima Yi" one more time and I'll end you.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Can you give back everyone except Zhuge Liang their parts now since we replaced them with bread?
Sima Yi
Yue Ying,
Nu Wa and Fu Xi, if you continue sending me mail on your personal life with Zhuge Liang, I might as well be your diary. Or therapist. But that's Zhang He's job. (Which reminds me, I have to schedule one for Chunhua again.)
Sima Yi
Yue Ying,
Well, you've got to replace Zhuge Liang. Maybe Zhou Yu? It'll be the perfect scandal. "Great mind's wife cheats on him with great rival in Wu" sounds great on the Shu Chronicles and The Wu York Times. (I'm starting to sound like a bad combination of Zhen Ji and Li Dian.)
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Hey, don't look at me. Your wife's turning to her enemy for advice. Which is sort of depressing in your point of view.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
You keep going until you admit you have you are a demon spawn from Hell.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I had a demon of a father, who knows? I could be a spawn of Zhong Kui. You're still going and I was kidding in the letter from before. You keep going until you are sane enough to be living around a maid.
Sima Yi
*paper having an imprint of Sima Yi's face along with some wrinkles*
Chunhua,
Well, sorry you have a PTSD thing for maids like some of Wei and all of Wu has a PSTD thing for arrows.
Sima Yi
Lu Bu,
More of my letters keep getting into your mail. Do we have the exact same address or do they mix us up? (How do you mix up me and Lu Bu? I don't see how can you mix up a brute with me.)
Sima Yi
Lu Bu,
I got this scroll here that says it's from Zhang Liao. I see he still talks to you despite being on different sides now.
Sima Yi
Lu Bu,
Well, I have to look through my pile of mail in order to see which is mine and which is someone else's. I didn't open the scroll, anyway. (Yes, I did.)
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
*extreme sarcasm and sass* Oh, heeeeeeeeey! How you holding up since Yue Ying decided to find comfort in other men/women(?)? I know, it's so... "emasculating" to be so useless in times like this. I'm starting to think you tried to tape phallic items to yourself.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Well, we've hated each other for twelve years, this isn't the first time you said that.
Sima Yi