Chapter 20 – Putting Up A Good Show
"Jude Harrison - Pregnant or Not?"
"Jude Harrison - Weight Issues."
"How could he leave his model for HER?!"
"Jude Harrison – Is the pressure too much?
"Jude Harrison – Tommy Q's new girlfriend. WHY?"
"Jude?"
Jude slammed the magazines shut and quickly shoved them underneath her bed. "Yeah, come in."
Sadie entered, holding a steaming mug of hot chocolate. "Here. You've been hiding in here for the entire day. Tommy called, wondering where you are. Apparently you missed a lunch date with him and some friends. Are you okay?" She looked worried as she sat down, handing her the mug. "Careful, it's hot."
Jude smiled appreciatively, albeit not taking a sip. "Sorry, forgot about it."
"I told him you'd call. Are you really okay? I barely see you anymore. At night you're with him and during the days you somewhere, never saying where you go. And if you're not out, you're in here. I wish you were at least playing guitar, singing, even doing the last few homework assignments of your life." She smiled faintly. "But you're just sitting here. You'd tell me if something was wrong, right? I mean, if Tommy isn't ... If the two of you aren't meant to be, that's okay. You just have to say what's wrong."
"Sadie," the younger Harrison assured, almost vigorously, "I'm fine. We're fine. We're great. Better than that! I'm just a little tired. I don't get much sleep at night, if you know what I mean." She attempted a sly grin. And probably failed, since Sadie gave an odd look. "And school is kind of stressful, even though there are only a few days left. Then there are parties Tommy takes me to and other dates and—"
"Talking about parties. I don't really see you walking the red carpet anymore. He still wants you with him, right?"
"Absolutely. Why, did he say anything? We usually meet inside. That's all. I'm not a big fan of flashlights. Really, that's all there is!"
Sadie wished Tommy would tell her anything about those parties, but every time she asked him about it, he got evasive and vague and then, out of nowhere, he'd remember an important phone call he'd have to make or a meeting he was running late for. As his assistant she knew he was lying half the time.
"Besides, you're always gone too. New boyfriend?"
"Oh, um, no. Just ... busy. Classes, work, you know how it is." She hadn't told Jude about her friendship with Laura yet. Not sure why, but she felt a little bit like betraying her sister, and right now, for some reason, Jude seemed more fragile than ever so Sadie wanted to keep all the bad things away from her. One month into her relationship with Tommy and she wasn't the happy girl everyone would expect her to be. She was quiet, more than usual. She still avoided unnecessary trips to public places. She hid from reporters. She barely went out to eat with her family. Worried, but feeling helpless and powerless, Sadie didn't know what to do other than repeatedly ask Jude if she was doing fine. Sometimes she could almost feel the lies coming out of Jude's mouth. Other times she had a feeling Jude would collapse any second, breaking down in tears. But then her phone would go off or something would happen to change the mood, take away the heaviness and all was fine again.
Something was wrong. Sadie knew. But dammit, what was it?
Almost on cue Jude's cell went off.
"Yep, coming right now!" Jude hung up. Smiling. "Gotta go. See you later, Sades!"
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The glossy cover resting on a shelf between a dozen other magazines made her hand itch. Like it had a magical pull on her. Take me. Read me, it seemed to whisper, beckoning her to break her rule of never reading a tabloid again. But Laura was weak in that regard and she knew it. Biting her lip, contemplating, she let her eyes feast on the front page a little while longer. It was the picture of Jude on page one that had caused her interest to peak in the first place. And what a picture it was! It was perfect, from a tabloid's point of view. Bad lightning, crappy weather, absolutely horrible clothes, unkempt hair and to top it all, red eyes and short-bitten fingernails. This picture was meant to be a cover story. It could serve to a million different headlines, ranging from the smallest scandal to full-mental breakdown. The bold letters accompanying the picture read, "Jude Harrison – eating disorder?"
Laura felt torn. For some reason, despite everything that had happened, she just couldn't hate her. That girl, unpolished and utterly normal had stolen her husband. She ought to be a social outcast, brandished with a scarlet letter 'A' and maybe even arrested for having slept with a married man! Ought to. But seeing that picture, all Laura felt was pity.
It was tragic, almost. Look what love had done to that girl! Love and tabloid magazines.
Damn it, she thought and grabbed the magazine, giving in to her urge of needing to know what other pictures of Jude where featured. As she skimmed through pages of lies and overdramatic headlines, she remembered how she had first met her at G-Major. She hadn't liked her much. But, honestly, she hadn't liked any female within a fifty yard reach of her husband at that time. Then, once she'd gotten to know her, she hadn't liked her not because she was a woman, but because she was so not what she'd expected her to be. She wasn't greedy or vain. Only eager to be a good employee. And a loyal one, too. And then, when she should have not liked Jude because the girl had fallen in love with her husband, she had respected her and come to like her for her honesty and upstanding behavior.
Then Jude had slept with Tommy.
And sympathy had set in. A little hate, maybe. Anger, certainly. But mostly pity and compassion. That girl hadn't stood a chance against Tommy.
Him, she had no trouble hating at all!
"Hey, you gonna pay for that?"
Looking up from a glossy array of very unfortunate pictures of Jude Harrison, Laura shot the shop owner of the shop a short glare while handing over two dollars. "Keep the change," she snapped, "you'll need it!"
"Bitch," she heard him hissing under his breath.
Another glare and she turned around, walking towards her car when...
"OUCH!" Having bumped head-first into some other guy, she hit his chest before even realizing who the person actually was. When she did, she smiled and kicked his shin. While childish and silly, he did deserve it. "Morning, Tom."
"Fuck," he wheezed, bent over holding his leg. "Damn it, Laura, that hurt! You're wearing platform heels. I'm probably bleeding right now!"
"I hope you are. If not, I'll be happy to kick you again. Maybe a little higher this time. To render you impotent. What a prospect," she mused, smirking when he took a big step backwards. "You're actually scared of me? I feel flattered."
She watched him, waiting for a rebuttal, but none came. He just stared back at her. "What's wrong. Swallowed your tongue? Afraid I'll bite it off?"
Nothing.
Laura sighed. "Christ, Tom. This isn't fun if you don't play along. How am I supposed to know whether I rendered you speechless if you don't say a word to begin with! You know how much I love a good verbal fight. We used to be so good at that."
"I'm sorry," he murmured, almost helplessly.
"You better be!"
"No, I mean," he all but stuttered, "about everything that I did to you. About all the bad things that I put you through. I feel bad for every tear that I made you cry. I was such an ungrateful person and I had didn't treat you the way—"
"Shut up."
He blinked. "Excuse me, I'm trying to apologize here!"
"I heard. And I'm telling you to stop. I really don't care, Tom."
"But I broke your heart. You deserve an apology. You deserved one a long time ago."
"I deserved someone who wouldn't break my heart. But I got you instead. I mean it, Tom: I don't want you to apologize! You cheated twice, broke my heard deliberately and carelessly at the same time and you had the guts to blame the end of our marriage on me. You're about as sorry as thief is for winding up in jail. You don't regret the crime. You just don't like being punished for it."
Feeling challenged, Tommy assured, "that's not it! It might have been like that once, but not anymore. I wouldn't cheat on you again. I learned my lesson!"
She coughed out a chuckle but since she had some time to spare she decided to play along and see what where he'd take this. "Okay, okay. Let's assume for a moment I actually believe that. What lesson would you have learned?"
"That I hurt you. And that that's bad."
"And …?"
"That's the reason I wouldn't cheat on you again!"
She could actually see how his brain was struggling to keep up. "You knew I would be hurt when you slept with Jude. Because I was hurt after the first time you cheated on me."
"Exactly." Tommy thought about it for a second. "Only this time I really know. And we're not together anymore so …"
"So," Laura finished for him, "the next time you'll cheat, it's not me that will be hurt but Jude. But that's a lesson still ahead of you and I'm sure you'll learn it AFTER you commit the next crime! But hey, you really thought about your wrongdoings! Be proud of yourself, Tom. You screwed up and you know it!"
"Are you mocking me?"
"You really don't need me for that."
"I AM sorry."
"And I DON'T believe you. So please stop apologizing!"
"Why won't you believe me?"
"Because you're entirely too self-absorbed to grasp the concept of actually being sorry! Exhibit A: You sent Jude's sister, out of all the people in the world, to apologize in your name. Classy! Exhibit B: You don't even know what you're sorry for! And lastly, you haven't learned a single thing!" She held up the tabloid. "Exhibit C: You're happy again. Why look around you?!" Shoving the tabloid into his hand, she took a step back and adjusted her outfit. A way of releasing all that rage inside her. "I believe they call it the heroin look," Laura said, meaning Jude's appearance on page one. "I ran into Mitch the other day. He said you were at a lot of parties lately. Alone. Does Jude know?"
Something snapped in Tommy and he took a threatening step towards his still-wife. "You don't know what you're talking about. I want Jude there," he stated vigorously. "She's the one saying 'no' when I ask. I AM sorry for what I did but if you don't care, why should I? And now excuse me! I have a date with Jude! My girlfriend!"
As she watched him walk away, a snide, "Sorry – as if!" escaped her lips. Screw him, she thought.
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"The song you wrote for us, it's amazing." Vincent Spiederman, one of Jude's best friends from school, smiled at the piece of paper in front of him. Sitting in a rented rehearsal space not far from G-Major, Vincent, called 'Spied' by his friends, was preparing along with two friends for their next big step: a career in North America. They had gotten a record deal from Chaz Blackburn, who might be a former boy-bander but who also had surprisingly good instincts about music. That, his sexy secretary and the promise of never turning them into a Pop Sensation had been good arguments to sign. "We still need a lead singer, though. I'm a guitar player, not a lead singer. You'd be perfect for the job. Have you decided yet?"
Jude shook her head as she sipped on her Slim-Fast shake. That thing tasted awkward at best, hardly sated her but at least worked as promised. Well, maybe the five miles she had begun running every morning were helping as well. "I can't. I want to, but ... so much has happened. So much you've no idea about. Going to New York, singing, risking to fail—"
"You still have two weeks."
She smiled, flattered by his determination. It wasn't really the fear of failing that held her back. It was the fright of being successful. Of getting everything she ever wanted. Since dating Tommy, she wondered if Everything She Ever Wanted wouldn't become another nightmare. Even if she could face her past, get over everything that happened years ago with Portia, could she stand at becoming even more famous? She was already fighting hard to survive and as 'only' Tommy's girlfriend she wasn't even that sought after. On center stage, her fame would multiply by a dozen.
"You're a born star," Spied encouraged.
Jude took a sip from her diet shake, shaking her head. "Trust me, I'm not." She had the headlines to prove it! "People really don't like me that much."
"Cause the only thing they know about you is that you had sex with a married man. If they knew who you really are—"
"God knows what they would write then," Jude quipped, trying to lighten the mood and changing the topic. "Two weeks. That's what you said. Let's rest it until then." Her cell phone chimed. A text from Tommy. "Great," she murmured. "He wants to take me out to dinner tonight. To talk." Gulping down the rest of the shake in one move, Jude got up and gathered her things. "Thanks for letting me hide here. It's the one place the photographers haven't found out about, yet."
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"My boyfriend wants to take me out to dinner tonight. I need something simple. I wore a dress two times in a row and the tabloids crucified me for it. Do you have anything simple and, like, new?" Jude stood in the middle of an exclusive couture shop, a place she'd normally never enter, praying to find something fast. Something that fit. Unlike the last time she was here. Apparently Zero is the new Two and only people who don't eat anything wear Zero. Hence the running and the diet shakes.
"Something in grey, maybe? It hides the … curves."
She shrugged, not even surprised by the stinging remark. Whatever got her out of here in no time, she was grateful for. Even if it was just a thousand dollar potato bag to hide the curves that she doubted could be considered curves at all. It wasn't that criticism was new to her. She'd gotten her taste of it during the brief time she was fake-dating Shay. But as Tommy's girlfriend – as the girlfriend he'd left his wife, a supermodel, for – everything had gotten worse. Everywhere she went she was being rated. Pretty. Fat. Smart. Stupid. Dressed good. Dressed bad. Right hair. Horrible hair. Too little makeup. Too much makeup. Just once she wanted to pass a newsstand and not see a single word written about her. Just one time. One day. To collect new strength. To be herself.
"You need shoes with that? Your current pair is a little … last season."
That had also become normality. Short heavy pauses, followed by a prettified term from someone who meant to say she looked like an idiot.
"Simple pumps would be nice."
"Sure. Let's see if we have something simple."
To make matters worse, upon glancing out the window, she saw two guys she'd discovered worked for The National Inquirer. The paparazzi had arrived. Jude took the grey dress the saleswoman handed her and spent the next thirty minutes in the changing cabin, not trying on the dress but hiding and breathing deeply, playing Angry Birds on her phone and listening to soothing sounds from Kurt Cobain who, like no other, seemed to understand her. Two people, simply wanting to live and love and make music, trapped in the circus that came with it.
Would New York be different? She kept wondering that.
x
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"Not good enough?" Jude fidgeted at the lapel of her dress, wondering if blue or green might not have made a better choice, combined with Tommy's effortless style of jeans and leather jackets. Barely touching the food in front of her, she constantly snuck glances around, practically searching for the paparazzi that she knew were here, even if she hadn't spotted them yet.
Tommy took her hand in his. "Jude, you look great. I mean, the dress looks nice." Ugly, actually. But he'd never say that to her. "I'm worried about you, though." Angered that it had taken a snide remark from Laura to pay attention, he did however see what she had alluded at: Jude had lost weight, gotten paler and her eyes looked more tired than ever. "There are some headlines out there ..." He had read up on them and been shocked to find that she was on every cover, every week, every issue. "You know that those tabloids don't matter to me, right? They don't matter at all," he stressed. "That's dirt. Unimportant."
She smiled, absentmindedly nodding. "Yeah, I'm not really paying attention to them anyway."
"Really?" He didn't believe her. "I can't force you not to read them. I can just ask you not to."
"Tommy, I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. You look exhausted."
Well, she was. Nice that he noticed. Life in the center of attention was hard. Taking slow, deliberate breaths to control her emotions, to control herself and not break down sobbing, whining about life in public and the fact that she was still the number one topic with every gossiper, she finally took a bigger bite of food. She couldn't remember the moment when her inner tranquility had emigrated and left her with nothing but confusion and the urge to please others. She hated what she'd become during those last weeks. And yet, she didn't know how not to be like this. Because the second she started being herself, a whole bunch of news outlets called her arrogant for ignoring what they were writing about her. When she did not ignore their stories on her, but took them to heart, they said she was cracking under the pressure. Who the hell was supposed to know how to be what everyone wanted and be one's self as well! When Tommy's worried glances intensified, she flashed a broad smile. "This is good."
"It's Tofu. I wasn't aware you like it. I'm surprised you even ordered it."
She was, too. Then again, she barely noticed the taste. On his left, right behind a decorative pillar was Crazy Dude, as she'd begun calling one of the more vicious paparazzi. He wasn't using the super cameras with the mile-long lens that everyone else carried around. He used a cellphone and with that managed to spot her inside stores and restaurants where other photographers weren't allowed to enter. "Yummy," she assured, smiling, not sure whom she was putting up the show for, Tommy or Crazy Dude.
"Kwest is celebrating his birthday next week. You'll come, right? I know you been busy a lot lately." At least that's what she told him every time he wanted her to accompany him to an event. "He specifically asked for you." Placing a peck on the back of her hand, Tommy smiled lovingly at her. "Jude, I really want you to be there with me. It's not going to be a huge party. A small get together. Some of the people you've met the other night." More precisely, the one party she'd gone to with him.
Gulping down some water, she nodded. "Yeah, sure." Damn! Kwest was a friend. She had to go this time.
"Babe, promise me you're not lying! Are you really okay?"
"Tommy I'm fine. I promise." To defer his worries, she slipped one foot out of her pump – a simple black sling pump that the saleswoman had found somewhere in the storage room and caressed his ankle, appreciating his immediate change of demeanor, away from the worried boyfriend towards the flirty boyfriend. "I'm wearing new underwear. Lace. Red," she mouthed.
He grinned happily. "Let's skip dessert then."
x
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As he was carrying her into his hotel room, Tommy realized not for the first time how light she'd gotten. His hands thumbs and fingertips almost touched when spanning her waist and her rips were protruding slightly more than before. She'd always been skinny but now it was becoming obvious. Too obvious, he'd say. Laura, as a model, had been slim. But even she had never given in to the scary thin standards of some designers. Jude was beginning to look like their ideal pick. "Girl," he whispered, torn between arousal and her thinness, "you need to eat more!"
She leaned back, pushed his head from her neck and stared at him. "If that's your idea of dirty talking ..."
He smiled slightly, not wanting to start an argument. "Just saying, you lost some weight."
"Not that much," she defended herself. "Just a little. It was necessary."
His hands dropping from her waist, he frowned. "What?"
"To fit into the clothes." She tugged on her dress. "These things don't come in a size four or bigger."
"So don't buy them! I liked how you looked in jeans and sweaters."
She stripped off the dress and kicked the pumps away, flashing him with a red ensemble of flimsy lingerie. "Do you want to discuss my weight or have sex?"
Scoffing, he crossed his arms. "Have you looked into a mirror lately?" In stark light, with nothing on, it became blatantly undeniable to him that Jude wasn't okay and that Laura had been right. Those two things were enough to ruin his mood and make him edgy but the fact that Jude didn't even realize it, or at least get that it was wrong to bend for anyone made him even more angry. He should have noticed the changes before. But she'd always come to him in the dark, with all the lights off. Now he wondered if she'd done it on purpose.
"Fine," she snapped, "if you want, I'll eat two burgers every day from now on."
"I would very much appreciate that!"
"Can we have sex now?" Speaking about it made her uncomfortable.
"Are you kidding me?"
She didn't want to talk. She couldn't talk. What for? He didn't understand her. He had no idea how her life was. What pressure she was put under! She'd worked her butt off – literally! – to fit into his word and into her new clothes and he was what? Angry? How dare he! She'd shed sweat and tears and he didn't have the decency to show some respect for that? Apparently the world he lived in was very different from the world she was shoved into. Otherwise he'd know how she felt! "I'm getting tired, Tommy. I'm going home."
With a snort, he grabbed a hold of her bag as she got dressed, trying to hold on to it as leverage to make her stay. But he held it the wrong way and some of its contents dropped to the floor. Cigarettes were among those things.
"Since when do you smoke?"
Jude met his eyes, startled, caught, feeling ashamed she'd started it to … well, she didn't really know why she'd begun smoking. One day she just had. "I …"
"You what?" he pressed.
"Nothing!" She grabbed her bag, the cigarettes and her jacket. Then she left.
x
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"Jude Harrison – Crying in the rain!"
With a heavy sigh Jude read the next morning's headlines. After storming out of Tommy's hotel, she'd collapsed on the sidewalk on her way home, in the rain, kneeling, crying, sobbing actually. She should have known it was a mistake to display her emotions so publicly, but in that second she hadn't been able to control herself. All the work to please as Tommy's girlfriend and he had nothing better to do than scold her for it. Didn't he know how much effort, how much energy she'd put into being a good girlfriend? Someone he didn't have to be ashamed of? All she wanted was to fit in. Because if she was one of them, then she wouldn't stick out anymore and maybe then some of the paparazzi would find a new target. But instead of helping her, he'd attacked her.
And he hadn't even apologized or called.
Stupid boyfriend!
"Jude?"
"What?!" She snapped, not in the mood to pretend being fine and happy.
Sadie warily entered, worriedly carrying another mug of hot chocolate. She spotted the tabloid on her sister's lap and smiled sympathetically. "Bad date with Tommy?"
"More like bad couple of weeks. Why do you keep bringing me hot chocolate? Two mugs, every day?"
Unsure how to broach it, she shrugged. "You love chocolate." That and Sadie had noticed Jude's loss of weight as well.
Jude rolled her eyes, perfectly able to read her sister's thoughts on this occasion. "I'm not anorexic."
"I didn't say that. I'm just worried," she admitted.
"Stop, okay?" She jumped up, tossing away the tabloid. "Stop worrying about me! Everyone, everywhere, is constantly worrying about me. I'm everywhere! They write stories about me! They speculate! They gossip! They assume! They snap millions and millions of pictures! I'm full of it! I'm done! I want it to stop! There are 7 billion people on this godforsaken earth and nobody is more interesting than me?!" Slamming the door shut behind her, Jude was downstairs and out of the house before Sadie even had a chance to follow.
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"I don't have a problem." Jude stood in front of Tommy's door, slightly startled he'd opened it within seconds, almost as if he'd waited for her. "All I wanted was to fit in. I'm sorry if I went a little far." She held up a paper bag, with the McDonalds-label. "I ate two Happy Meals today. Can I come in?"
He didn't say anything but opened the door wider, granting her access. "I don't want you to fit in. I want you to stay yourself." Then he kissed her cheek. "I saw the pictures from last night. I think we need to talk."
"Last night was a bad night. I had, like, a bad day. Really, Tommy, I'm fine. I stumbled. Then I hurt my knee and because we had fought, I cried a little. The tabloids blew it all out of proportion! By the way, I threw away the cigarettes."
"Good! Cause those are really bad for your voice."
Jude ground her teeth. Yeah, her voice really was important! Screw the reasons she'd begun smoking in the first place! But who wants a raspy voice! But she remained apologetic and didn't say anything. She'd come here to apologize, to make up and convince him that everything was okay. With everything going on, relationship-drama was the last thing she needed right now. And if she had to lie a little to make him believe that, so be it!
Tommy took a seat on the couch. "When we met, you were so confident. So strong-willed! What happened to that girl? I would have never thought some bad headlines can make you tumble."
Jude balled her hands into fists, behind her back, not to let him see. Did he have any idea how much will it required to lose ten pounds in two weeks? When she lay awake at night, with a rumbling stomach, and gripped her bed sheet to keep from running downstairs and attacking the fridge, it took extraordinary willpower! If anything, she was even more strong-willed! Oh, and 'some bad headlines'? He could swallow that line and choke on it! They weren't writing a bit of nonsense about her but constantly, non-stop, repeatedly and voraciously lying, commenting and bating her with stories that ranged from drug abuse to abortions. He might not want to see it, but 'some bad headlines' are the reason she barely slept at night anymore. But she didn't tell him that. "I guess I let some of the stupid things just get to me."
"Like what? That you're fat? That's crap. The same goes for the pregnancy rumors, the story about me only wanting you for sex and pretty much everything else they wrote. You know why I want to be with you."
"Do I? Because I honestly don't know that," she blurted out. "I don't get why you would pick me over someone like Laura. No one of your friends likes me. All of the women in your life hate me." Sure, she had only one party as a reference point but she was certain none of his friends would have warmed up to her no matter how many parties she'd attended with him. And even if they had, it made no difference. "Your boss hates me. The tabloids hate me. I'm practically an unemployed girl who gets out of school in two weeks and has no idea what to do then. Why would you want to spend time with me?"
He couldn't believe what she was saying. He'd realized how much her life had become focused on tabloids and public life, but he hadn't believed she actually struggled so badly. "Jude," he whispered, getting off the couch and in front of her, cupping her face. "You're the girl that makes my heart beat faster. When you smile at me, everything else ceases to exist. Nobody has ever made me feel that way." Then his lips touched hers, gently, trying to mend and heal. "You knocked me out of my socks, girl." A deeper kiss followed. And another one. And then they were in his bedroom, undressed, joined, making languid love in the bright daylight. As his lips ventured across her skin, they got to know every spot of her body that had lost its curve or its fill. But he held his tongue, no matter how worried he was. This wasn't about making her realize her scary state. This was about showing her how much he wanted her, and not just that. This was to appreciate, to connect, to remind them both that there was a reason they were together.
In his arms he felt her give in to him, to let go of everything. She wasn't shy or reluctant but open and giving and so responsive to his caresses. It were these moments that he treasured the most, not because of the sex they were enjoying but because of their privacy. It was just them, and nobody else. And it was good.
And when the act was finished and she curled up along his side, he didn't let her go, but held her. He wanted her to feel warm and safe, hoping she could take a little of that feeling with her, when she'd have to enter the real world again.
x
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Jude gently lifted her head, carefully turning in his embrace, making sure he remained at sleep. This was easier when she was alone, and didn't have to explain. Slipping out of the bed, from beneath silk covers, into the darkness, she crept into the living room. On the way there she swept up Tommy's discarded shirt and put it on. It was so big, reaching her thighs. In the middle of the floor she spotted her bag, snuck a glance over her shoulder, to make sure he was still asleep and then, as silently and catlike as possible, searched for the laxatives she carried around these days.
Then she went into the bathroom.
While she appreciated the fact that he'd assured her of his feelings for her and that her looks weren't important to him, she didn't fool herself. He did love it when she dressed up in sexy dresses and those dresses didn't come in big sizes. And it also didn't matter that he avoided reading tabloid magazines. Everyone else did. She swallowed two pills and drowned them with water, closing her eyes and holding her stomach as the latter began to rumble. She had not eaten two Happy Meals earlier. She'd gotten an empty bag, to ease his mind. All she had eaten were a few dry rice crackers and a handful of Tic Tacs. And two gums. Sugar free.
Yes, she said silently, as she gazed into the mirror. She was strong-willed. Who needed food? Certainly she didn't.
Turning the shower on and slipping out of his shirt again, placing it in front of the door on the floor, so he wouldn't feel the intruding cold night air sweeping through the room and awaken, Jude reached into her bag, retrieved her cigarettes from a hidden pocket and then opened the small window to take a smoke. At four thirty in the morning it was so dark she could barely see across the street. Tommy's hotel room was one of the few that actually had a bathroom window and she was glad he didn't care for the extra dollars it cost him. Otherwise this would have been a little more difficult.
Naked, but hidden in the dark of the room, she didn't care that she was covered in chills. Her fingertips were almost shaking, but she liked the odd feeling. If only this could be her life, she wished. Hidden in a dark corner of the world, not scared, but at ease, because it was just her and nobody else there to criticize or complain. But she would be alone. And that wasn't a nice feeling either. Now that Tommy had entered her life, she had begun to like not being alone, but with him. He made her feel safe. If only he'd be there all the time.
"Jude?"
Dammit, he'd awoken. "Shower," she called and tossed the cigarette out of the window before closing it silently. Then she quickly jumped inside the shower stall and out, to wet herself. She grabbed a towel, kicked the shirt away from the door and smiled at him when he entered, stark naked.
"You shower in the middle of the night?" Pecking her head, he was taken aback by the coldness of her skin. "Did you shower in cold water? You're freezing!"
Jude relished the feeling of his embrace, when he wrapped his arms around her and brought her back to bed. She savored the warmth of his breath when he placed kisses on her neck. And she was grateful he didn't say anything when he kissed her and undoubtedly tasted that she had smoked a cigarette because she'd forgotten to have a gum first.
Damnit!
Well, tomorrow, she'd not forget to take one. She was getting better at this with every new day.