Chapter 21

Scarlett was on the deck of Rhett's ship. They were headed to Paris and had already been on sea for three days. While Rhett dutifully accompanied her to meals and dances, he was too busy with his own affairs to inquire after her or the children. There were no verbal snipes, no cynical barbs, no jeering laughter.. not even that mocking smile that she knew so well.. Scarlett realized that she had come to look forward to even these things - she felt deep inside that she didn't deserve anything better. The rest of the people on the ship seemed friendly enough but Scarlett longed only for Rhett.

Between bouts of intense loneliness and fear, she reasoned and analysed her circumstances the best she could. Then one day, she decided to take her chances.

"Rhett-" she said, trying to appear nonchalant and disinterested. Rhett looked at her from across the breakfast table.

"You know, I only married Frank to pay the taxes on Tara and save our plantation. I mean, I was fond of Frank but it wasn't love or anything. And if a child should come by it, Ella.. I mean.. she can't really expect me to be a good mother to her, can she? I mean, I never actually intended to marry Frank. It just happened-"

Rhett diverted his gaze to the open seas and declined to offer any comment.

Scarlett felt rebuffed. She wanted to speak something sharply to Rhett, something.. anything.. to stir him into remorse for the way he was treating her, but she couldn't find any subject. And she needed whatever little support he could provide. Rhett was her last hope.

"Well, then-" she continued. "If my Mother married my Father because she couldn't have the life she planned for - if their marriage was one for convenience, not love.. I shouldn't really expect much from my Mother-" Scarlett laughed awkwardly.. trying to appear light-hearted and carefree. "I mean, isn't it silly- wanting someone to adore you, give you attention or acceptance.. In a marriage of convenience, a child cannot expect that-"

"Perhaps" said Rhett, quietly.

"Then why did you-" said Scarlett, true confusion appearing in her eyes. "You married me only to keep me for a pet.. and Bonnie was born just like that- why did you love Bonnie so much? You adored her, gave her your time and attention, you accepted her fears- all in a marriage of convenience- it was a marriage of convenience, wasn't it,Rhett?"

Rhett drew a long breath. Then when he looked at Scarlett, there was a gleaming, leaping light in his eyes. "I gave Bonnie all that because if she didn't get them from me, she would never get them from anybody else-"

"I didn't romp around with my Mother and neither did Wade or Ella with me and we seem to be doing all right-"

"You have every right to think whatever you want to think, Scarlett. But let me ask you something- If you had run your mills with proper Southern gentlemen and your old-time field-hands instead of convicts, would you have the confidence and skills to make a success of your business? Would you know what to say, how to act-"

"No, I do admit that I-"

"Bonnie would have-" said Rhett, bitterly. "I met all her little girl needs so that Bonnie would have the confidence to move with the best families in Charleston and Atlanta-"

"Are you saying that I don't have enough confidence-"

"I am not saying anything. Scarlett, let things be with Bonnie. I'd rather you didn't mention her at all."

"I loved Bonnie too. And I can only speak about her to you since you loved her so much. Rhett, I do realize that you are right. Perhaps if I had confidence I would have never run after Ashley so much-"

Rhett rose up from the table. There was a dry smile on his face. "If your Mother did not love you the way you wanted to be loved, then you cannot take Ashley and mould him into someone who can and ask the moon from him and even if he did give it to you, what would you do with him?"

"I don't want Ashley, I want you-"

"I cannot give you the moon-"

"I am not asking for the moon, Rhett."

"Then first accept that you can never get the things that your Mother couldn't give you. No one can love you like that. I can't love you like that. I once thought I could. But I can't."

"That isn't true!" cried Scarlett, her voice shaking and tears brimming her eyes. "If I had only been more like Melly, Mother would have. Or.. or if she could see how I saved Tara- I know she would have. Mother needed me.. she did want me.. But I couldn't live up to her. I tried so hard. I wanted to be a Great Lady. It isn't Mother's fault-"

Rhett began to walk away. Scarlett stumbled after him. "Rhett, if you are still angry about Ashley, I swear to God.. all I ever wanted was for Ashley to say he loved me and to share that one perfect kiss. But even when he did kiss me, I never felt anything because I cared about you-"

"One kiss." said Rhett, swiftly. "Is that all what you wanted? Don't you want to giggle with your girl-friends, take a responsible post in your women's circle, visit many good families, hug your children and win their hearts- don't you want all people to like you-"

"But I'm not likeable- Melly liked me but she didn't know me- you yourself said I was selfish and unscrupulous-"

"I also said you were full of spirit and refreshingly frank- Scarlett, if you can get over whatever troubles you and be happy- then I can come back and give you a home. But finding out what makes you happy and what you want is something you have to figure out on your own. I cannot help you-"