JJ held herself in a ball; she didn't know how long she had been in that position. The tears had stopped but only because it took too much effort to cry. Her body was weak from the emotions she no longer could control.
Each smell, sound or image that took her back to the horrors she endured were like a drop of water in a puddle. Every ripple was a shock wave coursing through her body wracking her with pain. She felt herself become paralyzed to it.
She was sinking further below the surface and her lungs hurt and screamed for air. She could see the light dancing above her, but her arms and legs had no strength to push her up to break the barrier between survival and defeat.
Will sat next to her and would try to comfort her. She knew he wanted to help but she really only found comfort in laying with Henry. She would stare into his innocent eyes until they closed to a peaceful sleep.
She envied his dreams and feared when her body could no longer fight sleep. It was always the same nightmare. She was falling into an abyss with flashes of the days on the boat jumping out at her like she was hitting a wall. She would flip and turn. As she crashed into the ground she would wake up with a start. Her heart felt like it was pounding out of her chest and it took all of her energy to regain control and remind herself it was a dream and no longer a reality.
She finally gave into the therapy and opened up, it helped some, and she was glad to be going back to work. She hoped she would be able to control the bad days a little better. More than anything she needed to talk to Emily. She needed reassurance that she was not going crazy and the ball of emotions ready to burst would slowly dissipate in time. She felt the only real person to help was her.
Each night when she woke in cold sweats her immediate response was to pick up her phone and call Emily. She would pause in contemplation of what she would say. She had called so many times and Emily would listen, but never opened up to her struggles. She feared that Emily was drowning as she was but didn't have anyone to try and hold her up. Not that she was allowing anyone in.
JJ could hear Henry in the other room joyfully playing. Will had left her to check on him. She knew that Will felt helpless, but he couldn't understand. She would come around to him eventually, she hoped. Hearing Henry's giggling gave her the strength she needed to get up. She went into the bathroom, but avoided the mirror; she knew it was not a pretty sight. She drew a bath and sat on the edge of the tub waiting for it to fill and stared absentmindedly at the door. She had to get some closure. Her cycle of agony needed to stop, if nothing else but to save her family. She needed to a way release the pain; she just had to figure out how to do that.
It was clear to her that she needed Emily to help her figure that out. She decided to call her for the first time in over a week, and not for her to talk but to hear Emily speak. She was not going to let her hide away anymore. She knew Emily needed it as much as her.
As she soaked in the warm water she caught the sounds of people talking. It wasn't Will speaking to Henry but to another adult. She got out and swiftly toweled off and got dressed to see who was in the other room. When she came out she was not all that surprised to see Derek standing in the room talking quietly to Will. He had been a familiar face in her home since Barns had made his move. She knew he was wracked with guilt, but she had never blamed him or anyone else for anything. She knew who was to blame and they were all dead.
When he saw her enter the room he sent her a soft smile. "Hey JayJe."
"Hi, Derek."
"I wanted to come by and see how you were doing." He said as he turned completely from Will to face her.
JJ knew from a different tension that exuded from him that there was more to the visit than he let on. She found herself ready for it.
"Do you want to come sit down?" She asked gesturing to the couch.
She could see hope in his eyes. "Please."
Noting the seriousness of the visit, Will picked up Henry and began to carry him out of the room.
"I think it's bath time." He whispered in the toddler's ear.
Derek watched the two leave then turned back to the blonde. She had kept her eyes on him not saying a word. She wanted him to speak first; she knew he needed to.
He gave a slight smile to break the tension. "Are you doing okay?"
She smiled at the standard question she got from everyone. She gave him her standard answer to sidestep any real response. "Yeah. I'm looking forward to returning next week."
"We are too. Is there anything I can do to help?"
She appreciated his sincerity, as she did everyone else who offered it.
"No, well, yes." She chuckled softly at her indecisiveness. "Don't treat me like a baby."
His face flashed pain and she could see he was trying to formulate his words.
"I'm so sorry that I let you and Emily down," he took a breath, "I don't know what I would do if anything had happened to you."
She reached her hand out grabbing his, "Derek you didn't let us down. We had no clue how much of a threat Barns was."
"I realize that JayJe, but it's different. He was constantly a step ahead of us."
"Not completely he's dead and we're not."
Derek just nodded.
It was strange that she felt the need to comfort Derek right then. It actually gave her a sense of calm to put her energy into someone other than herself. She felt her head begin to rise above the water. She could feel herself began to breath again, and suddenly she knew what she had to do. She was not going to drown and she was going to make sure that Emily was not going to allow the abyss take her either.
They sat in silence and she could tell it began to make Derek feel uncomfortable.
"Are you okay?"
Derek shook his head. "Have you talked to Emily?"
"Not recently."
Derek looked at her with a concerned confusion. "I thought at least she would talk to you."
"No, but I'm not going to let her get away with it much longer."
Emily knew that the hollow helpless feeling was expected. She also knew that it was going to take time for the internal wounds to heal. What she was having a hard time facing was when the nightmares became real.
When the feelings were so overwhelming some days she could not breath. When all of her coping skills became useless and she was afraid to even open her eyes.
She was unable to grasp how she should react when every part of her believed that there was someone waiting for her around every corner. She was an elite FBI agent trained to deal with the worst people that this world had to offer, but some how had been striped down. Her hard shell had been shaved, cracked and removed.
She tried to pretend that nothing happened to it. She could pretend there was not a single dent to her mighty shield when confronted by JJ, her mandated therapist, or any concerned member of the team, but the slightest unfamiliar noise ripped it away exposing her bare and weak. She tried to convince herself that no one was allowed or could ever make her feel so vulnerable, yet three men had. They were still holding her hostage. Deep from their hellish graves they held her in a vice like grip, taking turns tormenting her.
When was it going to stop? When was she going to have control again?
The shadows scared her in an unnatural way. They appeared to morph into monsters with all of their evil intentions. She would force herself to stay awake all night with every light in the house on, and found herself sleeping during the day only when her body could no longer stay awake.
When it felt like it was too much she would grab for her phone to call JJ. She knew JJ was the one person, who understood what she was dealing with, but would stop herself and just stare at her phone. She hesitated because she did not want to bother JJ at home. She didn't want to put more of a burden on her; she had a family to be with. Emily assumed she would want to spend her time with Will and Henry and not deal with her issues and almost meltdowns. She believed that she would only open the wounds deeper and the last thing Emily wanted to do was cause JJ any more pain.
Emily worked the system; she knew what was expected of her in the therapy sessions. She had played the game well but tried to recover quickly when she was exposed. She felt herself jump out of her skin when at one point the doctor moved her foot and knocked the table on accident. It was the only glimpse she gave anyone of the hurting and scared woman waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before the doctor had a chance to make a move she regained her statue of self and retreated back down. Her mask secure and false strength once again portrayed.
She knew she had to face those fears and deal with the pain, but it was easier to bury them deep. But she couldn't deny that the aching and gut wrenching feeling that she carried around was still fresh and all too consuming. She was fully aware that her actions and thoughts were not healthy, but felt all she could do was keep her head above water.
She believed all she needed was to be back at the BAU and be distracted by working on a case. Maybe then she could put her energy into something other than her own pain and fragile mental state.
JJ had been cleared and back at work a week before she would be. Emily was glad she had a meeting with Strauss; it gave her a reason to see JJ. She wanted to know how she was doing and find out what her secret was to surviving.
Riding in the elevator was a bittersweet feeling. She looked forward to the day only to see the place that she has been refused for months. When the doors opened to the BAU she had to smile. This was more of a feeling of home than walking through her own door.
She examined her family huddled around Reid's desk. They were facing Hotch's office and whispering among themselves.
Emily decided to enter but not announce herself since she knew the people they were watching were Strauss and Hotch talking about her. She was meeting with Strauss soon, and figured the ice queen was getting ammo from Aaron.
She walked quietly up the huddled agents and stood listening to their chatter.
"What do you think she's saying?" Reid asked.
"Who knows, but she's not happy that's for sure." Rossi shrugged. "But then again when is she?"
"I heard she's discussing JayJe and Emily's case reports, and psych evals." Garcia offered.
"I'm surprised you haven't found a way to take a peek at those." Morgan said with wink.
"I would never!" Garcia quipped.
Emily had to laugh at their conversation and could no resist the opportunity to add to it.
"Maybe she's discussing a class for profilers to learn be a little more discrete."
All of the agents spun around shocked to see the brunette behind them. Penelope leaped up and pulled her into a bear hug.
"Oh my angel! It's so good to see you!"
"Hey Pen," she said returning the embrace. She pulled back and straightened her shirt before offering a smile to the others.
"What brings you here?" Spencer asked.
Emily directed her eyes to Hotch's office. "I have a meeting with Strauss."
"Oh?" Morgan raised a curious eyebrow.
Emily gave a slight laugh. "It's just to discuss my return."
"And when will that be?" Rossi asked with anticipation to a positive answer in his voice.
"Sooner than later, I hope."
She looked around the Bullpen. "Is JayJe here?"
"She's in my office." Rossi answered pointing to the closed door above them. "I think she's hiding out from Strauss."
Emily gave them a smile then headed towards the stairs leading to the senior profiler's office. Before she could clear much distance from them she felt a hand on her shoulder. She knew who it was and was really hoping to avoid the conversation with Derek there. He had come over with JJ a few nights back, but she avoided any conversation with him.
She didn't hold him responsible for anything; she just was not interested in sharing feelings. She had enough of an emotional response to seeing JJ and her wanting to deal with the nightmare head on.
"Emily." He began as she turned to acknowledge him.
She tried not to be cold and distant but was not really finding any success in it. "What's up?"
She could tell he felt the change in temperature she exuded.
"I just wanted to see maybe if you're free we could get some food and talk."
That damn word again, talk. Everyone wanted to talk. She really could not avoid it forever but talking led to expressing emotions and emotions would fracture her wall. She would have to let people in and see she was not the strong Emily Prentiss she prided herself in. They all saw it on the boat and in JJ's house but knew she could not hide forever.
She softened slightly as she looked into his sad eyes. "Okay. Give me a call later."
She felt him relax and he smiled. She smiled back but quickly returned her attention to see how JJ was doing.
After her last unsuccessful visit JJ had been pretty clear that she was not happy with how Emily was dealing with everything. She really could not admit that she was ready to deal with JJ. She felt so guilty for so much, and right then it was not being there for her. She just assumed that Will could help fill that void.
She began to believe that JJ was really stronger than her. Emily could fake her once impermeable wall of strength but now felt like any minute it would crumble to pieces. She so desperately wanted to pick them up and find the person she once knew. She finally admitted to herself that JJ was the only person that could help her do that.
She took a deep breath and tried to prepare herself for the unknown. She was not sure who would be worse to talk to right now Strauss or JJ. But in all sincerity she cared what JJ thought and not one bit what Strauss did.
She lightly rapped on the door as she opened it.
JJ looked up at her in shock. "What are you doing here?"
"Hi to you too."
"I'm sorry I was just-"
Emily put her hand up to stop her and not let her finish. "It's fine. I'm her to talk to Strauss, but I wanted to see you first."
"Yeah?" Her eyes perked up at the admittance.
"I'm sorry I haven't returned your call. If intentions counted for anything." She said and looked down in an attempt to hide her shame.
"It's okay, I just wanted to see how you were, are, doing. We didn't get much chance to really talk the other night."
"I'm fine, really." She lied but knew in no way was it convincing JJ of that.
"Right." JJ said shaking her head. "That was fast, your walls are up and you're running away."
Emily stepped back feeling the sting of her words. "I'm sorry?"
"Come on Em, I'm not going to baby you like everyone else wants to."
"Baby me, really? Come on," she scoffed, "I never asked anyone to treat me in any way but normal."
JJ stood up and walked over to the brunette. "No one knows how to help you. Everyone wants to do something but are more afraid you will just retreat further." JJ moved into Emily's eye line when she tried to look away. "Em, I know what it's like to want to run from your own mind, but you need to talk."
Emily's jaw clenched.
"I hate that word," she muttered under her breath.
JJ crossed her arms and leaned back eyeing the brunette.
"Do you really think that keeping it bottled up in a nice little compartment in your mind is going to help you? How do you plan to heal?"
Emily felt her defenses peak and didn't hold back her sarcastic tone. "And you? You're all better then?"
Gloves off she thought as she waited for the blonde's response.
JJ squinted her eyes at her but answered back in a quieter tone. "Slowly, I guess." She leaned back against the desk for support before she continued. "Every time I shower or get dressed I see the scars. They open the gates to every memory and every horrifying moment. I find myself unable to function and end up crying myself into a constant nightmare."
Emily's stomach clenched and stared at JJ unable to respond right away. She closed her eyes and swallowed. She really didn't know how to respond; she knew at that point JJ didn't want her to be supportive but to give her back something.
She straightened her back and steadied herself to prepare for something she was not fully ready to do. The words came out before her mind could process it. "When I smell Brut cologne it paralyzes me and I want to throw up."
She looked away when she heard her own voice and fought looking at JJ and kept her focus on a spot on the carpet near the blondes boots. She knew eye contact would be more than she could handle at that moment. She knew the words were nothing extraordinary but JJ would understand the step she had taken.
JJ tried to keep her reaction neutral to not lose the wall that was slowly coming down with the small admission.
"Yeah?" She encouraged.
Emily looked back up to her friend. "I never thought I'd be afraid of my own shadow." She slowly let her eyes drift back to the floor as she spoke. "Or afraid of every man that looks at me for longer than a few seconds."
Emily began to feel the fractures in her wall. Each emotion that began to surface took a chunk as it flowed.
JJ stepped forward and grabbed her hand in support. "I can't sleep next to Will right now. I only find comfort in lying with Henry. He says he understands and has been great, but I don't know how much longer he will wait."
Emily looked away, her fear realized that she was hurting JJ more than helping. JJ hadn't found comfort in Will like she assumed would happen, like she had hoped would happen. Emily could no longer fight that fact for them to heal they needed to find resolution in each other. No one knew what they had truly gone through. They had to be the rocks of support for each other.
When Emily spoke again she couldn't help her voice from cracking. "I'm afraid."
She was shocked the words even came out and she could feel herself releasing the pain.
"Me too. " JJ said back giving her hand a squeeze.
Emily finally looked up and made eye contact with her friend. "I'm tired of being afraid, JayJe."
She began to feel the tears prick her eyes and she looked up in hopes to hold them in.
"Me too, but we can fight through this together."
"Yeah, but-"
JJ's voice became stern, "we survived because we fought, and we can't stop now."
Emily let the simple statement sink in.
When had she given up? JJ was right.
Emily finally realized that her fear was holding her hostage and paralyzing her. She felt her body tense and stomach tighten into a ball. She felt her throat begin to close and the lump felt like it was going to choke her. Her breathing increased trying to compensate for the narrowed passage. Her body began to shake and she could no longer hold the tears or emotions that bubbled to the surface. Without a warning they suddenly burst through.
She felt her tears and heard her sobs. JJ had pulled her into a tight embrace and she could feel and hear her friend crying with her. Never had she felt so exposed but at the same time such comfort.
When the tears and tremors finally ceased the two slowly separated. Emily wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. As she exhaled she felt more of the weight leave with it.
She looked at JJ's puffy and red eyes and could only imagine her state. "Strauss is going to get a kick out of me."
JJ smiled. "Fuck Strauss."
They both let out a small laugh but returned to the silence. They stood in it, but for once it was not awkward or laced with tension.
JJ was the first to break it. "So you'll talk to Derek? There's a lot he needs to get off his chest. Just hear him out okay."
Emily sighed. "I will."
Emily turned to leave and said a silent goodbye. As she shut the door behind her she felt something that had been missing for months. A small ball of strength began to envelope her being. She stood up taller as she felt herself coming to the surface, the woman she once was. Each tear she shed was the pain and memories leaving her.
She knew the team was watching and could see the remnants of her tears. Their faces did not read concern they only expressed relief. She gave them all a sincere smile as she headed to face one last obstacle.
One more chapter before the epilogue!