I felt quite a sharp pain a little below my right elbow. To be quite frank, I didn't like it. I felt it long before I opened my eyes, which were very heavy for some odd reason. Did I get drunk last night or something? Please don't tell me I have some sort of hangover. First, I get stuck in 40k. Then, I get piss fucking drunk. What's next? More substance abuse and a life of depression? I can't do that, I already have a life.
My eyelids finally felt like lifting, and my gods, they were heavy. What was I on last night? I musta got hella crunk. My vision was very blurry, making the lifting of my eyelids completely pointless. This morning is just great.
As the hazy vision started dissipating, I tried lifting my head, but unfortunately, my head is about eight hundred pounds at the moment. I guess I'll just stare at the top of this here tent thing. I think it's a tent.
As I stared up, the pain never went away. If anything, it got worse. I tried to think of whatever could have caused the pain, but my brain was still having its hangover and I couldn't remember anything. Maybe I got into a fight with an ork or something. Do orks even have beer?
Have I ever mentioned how much I really wanted to take a good look at my arm right now? Seriously, it's bugging me so hard. I kept wincing a little bit at the pain every now and again, but that wasn't because I wasn't a total man. It was because the pain forced my eyes to do it. Yep, that's right. Never let it be known I ain't a man.
So, I laid and waited. I could only guess an hour passed before I was able to lift my head a tiny bit. I could confirm it was most certainly a tent. Imperial design, too. Neat. Looks like I'm back at home. It'll be moments before Clare or alien face will see me in my weakened state. I think they might have actually killed alien face. What was its name? I can't be asked right now, I have a pain in my arm and it's making me irritable.
It was about another hour before I tried lifting my head up again. This time, I could lift my body up a little bit. Nice! I decided to try and see what was up with my-
What the fuck.
No, what the actual fuck.
That isn't a question. That's a goddamn STATEMENT.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
DUDE. I used that arm! And not for the reasons a normal guy uses it, but for like… Everything! Like, fuck, man! I needed that thing.
Okay, if you hadn't of guessed, self evaluation begins now. I am in a bed. I am in a tent. I woke up hungover as fuck. I am missing my right arm from the elbow down. Now, I only have one arm left and-
Oh my fucking god, that is hilarious and mortifying at the same time. I only have a left arm. I let a single uncontrollable giggle out, then stone-faced myself for what this implies.
Tzeentch not only does not give a fuck about me, but is not protecting me either. Well uh… I'm gonna be honest, I was really banking on that second part. Fuck, I'm more mortal than I thought I was. Wasn't I supposed to get a 6+ invul or some shit?
I sat my head back down and considered all options at this point. I'm not ambidextrous. I'm not left-handed. Anything that involves manipulation with my hands is a no-go. Anything that requires more than one hand is a no-go.
My life suddenly got way more interesting and boring at the same time, and I don't like it. Okay, so, first things first: the guys already know. Maybe I'll get to see that other guy from Earth in the sick bay or something. I think his name was Mike or something. I hope there's a sick bay.
Wait a minute. Medicinal stuff is expensive, right? Why waste that on a guardsman? I'd expect for injured guardsmen to be executed or some-
I need to stop discovering things. Mike or whoever is dead, probably by commissar. So, in other words, my entire existence is a fucking lie and I'm about as effective as Failbaddon the Armless right now. Fantastic. No, I mean it, fucking marvelous.
And I am now upon my deathbed, awaiting a commissar to walk in any minute and shoot me for heresy. Either that or Clare, coming in to say "It was my fault!" or some bullshit that always happens in the movies that have guys get shot and their comrades visit them. And then I'll have to say to her, "Bitch, nah," and explain that because I… Fuck, what did I do? I really have got to stop finding a way to drink.
Suddenly something in the room changed. I lifted my head and saw the flaps of the tent fly open, and there was a… A… A commissar. "Hey, buddy," I instinctively said, with no voice crack whatsoever.
The commissar came up to the bed, and stood there at the ready. He didn't say anything to me. It's time, boys. I had a nice run. Fuck you, Tzeentch. I should have KNOWN you would have Magnus'd me!
Then a second guy came in, and this guy looked kinda important. He still looked kinda like a guardsman, but had a fancy hat and medals. "Ah. So you're awake," he said with a simply majestic voice. Seriously, how can a guy sound like that? I'm not gay, but hot damn, man.
"Yep. I'm ready for combat!" I said, no indication of fear present due to a commissar bearing over me, probably about to shoot me in the fucking skull at this guy's command.
"I doubt that. According to the men and by my own sight, you blundered into camp with half an arm missing before crumpling onto the ground." Please say more words, especially words like blunder or crumple.
"That uh… Sounds about right?"
"Do you remember anything?"
"No."
"A pity. Well, I figure you lost your arm fighting a denizen of this planet," he said. Say denizen one more time, but record it. I want to hear that every day until I get really sick and tired of it. "You appear to be from my platoon, so I'll ask you this: Who was your sergeant?" What? I work with this guy? My day suddenly went from the worst fucking shit to mildly adequate!
"That'd be a Ms. Clare," I said, before slowly adding, "Issa. Clarissa. That's the one." The guy looked at the commissar for a moment before staring back at me.
"Are you the one they call 'Joker'?" My reputation proceeds me.
"For you, yes," I said without thinking. Damnit, he probably thinks I'm coming onto him. Please be as awkward as every other Imperial!
"Interesting… I've heard many stories about you. Well, I suppose we'll send you back to Clarissa. A damn fine sergeant, she is."
"Damn? Maybe. Fine? Oh yes." I wasn't sure if I was talking about Clare or this guy. He didn't look half bad, as well. Really nicely shaved, very strong jawline. It's like this guy was made to be a dream commander.
"I'm glad you think your sergeant is adequate. Now, commissar, go instruct the men to get a Chimera ready for this man."
"In case you didn't notice, commander, I do not have to take orders from you." This guy was not having it. Typical commissar.
"Just do it. This man is in need, and I cannot leave his side right now." The commissar turned and left the room without a word. He just commanded a commissar without even looking at him. What a badass. "Now, I must ask you what option do you wish to take in terms of this injury?" Options? Holy fuck, I have a choice!
"What are my options?"
"Servitorization, so you may continue serving the Emperor. Bionic replacement, so you may continue fighting, though after this I don't think you're all too excited to get back into the thick of it. We can send you home, as well, so you may live out the rest of your life." Okay. So, my options are robot, replacement arm, or going nowhere. Real great options. I remember when I thought I had any to begin with.
"Bionic replacement sounds good."
"Really? You're a bold and courageous man, Joker. I like you." I like you too, but I'm not gonna tell you that. What do you think I am, gay or something?
"Thanks, sir. What was your name, again?"
"Platoon Commander Arnholdt. The medical crew will be there in a couple of days. I trust you will not need an arm in that time." Aliens could attack at any time, but besides that, yeah. I nodded in response.
The commissar poked his head through the flaps, his giant hat sticking out like a sore thumb. "We don't have a Chimera, but we do have a spare Leman Russ."
"Then he'll take that. Well, Joker, let me help you to the Leman Russ." He grabbed my good arm and lifted me up. Only one thought was going through my head: How much is Clare gonna be shocked that I'll be coming back not only without an arm, but on a fucking tank? She's gonna burst from fangirling so hard and trying to make it sound like she was the reason I lost my arm. Awesome.
"So you're Joker, huh?" said one of the drivers in the tank. There were like five guys in this damn thing. How many did you need?
"Yep, that's me," I replied. I was poking my head out of the top of it as it was driving through the forest. I waved goodbye to the camp, and I think a few guards actually waved back. Funny thing is: I never talked to any of those dudes. Am I famous or some shit? Is some dude secretly writing down my life story and sharing it with all the other guardsmen? I don't know, and frankly, if some dude is, I'm going to beat the shit out of him for stalking me.
"What's it like, being in the 'distraction squad', as we call it?"
"Pretty good, actually." It was time to start some crazy gossip. "Thing is, we get thrown at every little thing you guys don't wanna deal with. I can't tell you how many of those Kroot we've gotten into a tussle with." Exactly one, and it ended really peacefully.
"Really? Sounds to me like you guys are some legends. How many do you have to replace weekly?"
"I haven't seen anybody new since we left on the ship. Nobody lost, either. We're pretty tough, I figure."
"Damn, Joker. Mind telling us a story?"
"Oh, I got one for the road." Well, it wasn't a road, per say, but the treads were gonna make it one. That's so cool, actually. We're trailblazing, boys, and it's all because I lost an arm! When did I start saying boys this much? Ah, who cares? I decided to tell them story of ol' Kaptin Swagloota, the ork who nearly took off my leg. Why couldn't that have been the limb I lost? Fuckin' Swagloota, not cutting off limbs and saving me from this fate.
By the time I finished exaggerating literally everything, we were approaching the camp, and a few of the guards spotted me. I recognized Dekaff automatically. I decided this was the moment I would appear badass. I went down into the tank, and asked all the guys inside one question. "Do you guys have like, a sword in here or something?"
"Yeah, do you need it?" Plan A was a go.
"Yes. Yes, I do." He handed me a nice looking sword, and I attached it to my belt and tried to climb up the ladder of the tank. It was surprisingly difficult now, but that's okay. I could live with it if I could have my moment.
I took off my helmet, letting my rather short hair flow as I came over the top of the tank. I set it off to the side and grabbed at the sword. As I pulled it out of its scabbard, I boomed out, "Drive me closer! I want to hit them with my sword!"
The face of Clare was worth it. I could see her face full of wonder. This was so worth it. I can't stress this enough. I know I might have lost an arm, but I was gonna get a new one, apparently. I know I may have just said the worst meme of all the 40k memes, but nobody would know to crucify me. I know that maybe, I could have done something so much better, like pose sexily without any armor or clothes on, but I've already done it.
I put the sword back and dropped it down the hatch as I lifted myself off the top of the Leman Russ and slid down the back of it. I crashed onto my feet, and I think my arm just had a pain spike, but it was so damn worth it. I came around the Leman Russ, a smile booming on my face.
I looked at Clare, and she just stared at me, her mouth agape. "What can I say? I knew you liked Leman Russes, so I borrowed one to get over here."
"This is all for me?" she said, awe still evident even in her voice.
"Nah. It's cause some other place found me and told me to come here, and this is all they had."
"Oh." The disappointment was palpable. "You left your helmet on it." I turned around and saw the Leman Russ speeding away with my helmet still on the top of it.
Those fucking thieves.
I whipped my head back around and said, "Oh yeah, do you have any place for me to lie down for the next couple of days?"
"Why? Did you get caught by some sort of Kroot gang and promised them money?"
"Nah. Only this," I said, then waved my half arm at her. Oh boy. The face she made. I could tell in a couple of minutes, all the things I said were worth it? I lied.