Anthony sat at the edge of his bed quietly, looking down towards the floor with a fatigue that had drawn its way through the evening. Johanna had insisted on finding somewhere to find a nightgown, having had no time to pack before running away. He had offered to return in her place but was halted, and instead Johanna conceded that perhaps it would be best for him to do so tomorrow when she was working.
He looked up sharply when a small thud of footsteps could be heard at the doorway. Johanna looked at Anthony with a dazed expression, her head tilted to the side and her eyes distant, as if she were not looking at him at all. Anthony could not help but feel embarrassed as he realised for the first time that Johanna was in his home, in her nightgown of all things, quite defenceless. He cleared his throat, but this did not bring her back to the world. Sensing she needed the warm comfort of another at that moment, Anthony moved towards her and held her hands, prising them gently away from the fabric of her gown that she had been fidgeting with for quite some time. Quite suddenly, she turned her head to look at him and her eyes watered.
"Am I being wicked?" she asked quietly, her lip quivering. "It wasn't fair of me to run away, was it?"
"Perhaps some time to calm down was all everyone needed," Anthony replied, his thumb stroking Johanna's small fists reassuringly.
"I ruined everything."
"No! No, don't think that, you haven't ruined a thing!"
"I ruined it for Nellie," Johanna said firmly, sniffing as she did so. "She was so excited, she's dreamt of this day more than I have. And father! Lord, I should not have said a word."
"You did what you thought was best."
"And if we all did whatever the hell we felt like, the world would be a far worse place. I am no exception to that rule!"
She flung her hands away from Anthony and charged towards the bed, sitting at the edge with her fingers deeply gripped into the sheets and her head bowed. Anthony stood for a moment watching her before he noticed that her shoulders had begun to shake. Slowly, as if approaching an animal, he edged towards her before kneeling by her feet, his eyes meeting her own when finally she looked up to meet his gaze.
"Just leave it for tonight," he asked quietly, taking Johanna's hands and pressing his lips to both of them. "You'll get yourself in a blind panic by tomorrow if you don't just ignore it for a bit."
"We're not doing anything bad, do you think?" Johanna bit her lip before continuing. "Getting engaged, that is. You don't think this is a sign we're doing something wrong?"
"I'm not superstitious enough to think so," Anthony replied with a shrug.
"But what if it is?"
"Then we tough it out."
Johanna nodded, newly determined and rubbing at her eyes like a child. Anthony knelt there for another few minutes while his fiancée controlled herself and finally emerged with the same usual bright eyes and bright smile.
"I'm tired," she began, though Anthony noted that her perky tone suggested otherwise. "I really am grateful you've let me stay."
Anthony smiled weakly and nodded, understanding this to be a polite yet firm attempt to dismiss him from the room. He kissed her hands once more and stood, lowering his gaze to his feet. He knew that she had not quite recovered at this time and to try and keep her gaze would be futile. A quick look behind him and then Anthony closed the door, pausing only briefly to breath a sigh of relief. There was silence which allowed him a moment of true belief that he had calmed her nerves for the night, though his mind refused to let him sleep on this happy thought.
"Oh, I promise, you'll love 'im!" Nellie laughed, clasping Lucy's hand. The poor girl was always so nervous visiting the brothel with no knowledge of what she would face without Nellie's guiding presence. "'e isn't like the others, never a customer. Yeh've gone pale as death!"
"I don't mean to be, Nellie, but most of your friends don't quite like me."
"Ah, our Ben's different, 'e takes a liking to everyone. Not a bitter bone in 'is body."
Nellie was quite determined to make sure that her newest friend would at least be civil to her oldest friend. The two had been such a light in her life that it would be impossible to survive without them at least acting friendly. There was no doubt that they would enjoy each other's company at least; everyone loved Ben if only for that dashing smile and the mild compliments that he dished out freely, and Lucy was quite a charmer when she wanted to be.
Sure enough, two o'clock sharp, just as he did every Friday, Ben waltzed into the brothel with a few unexpected packages tucked into the crook of his elbow. A few girls who had been lolling about the doorway smiled and laughed infectiously as Ben bowed low to them. He handed the group one of the packages, saying something that Nellie could not quite hear. It did not take him long to reach their little corner, though. Both she and Lucy had retired to the small walled off corner of the brothel where they often remained for small conversations.
"Ah, my exquisite little red-head," Ben said with a grin, bowing lower than ever before and offering a hand out towards Nellie. She giggled like a young girl, taking the hand and standing to curtsey in return, kissing him once on each cheek when they stood again. "For you, madame."
He offered her the last of the packages that he had brought with him, which Nellie quickly opened to reveal a loaf of bread. Lucy supposed that it was hard to come by in this building, though the delight in Nellie's eyes told of a deeper admiration for the moment.
"Oh, Ben, yeh didn't 'ave to."
"If I had to, I wouldn't have done it." Benjamin noticed a small movement out of the corner of his eye and seemed to nearly jump out of his skin when he saw Lucy sitting there quietly in the corner, brushing hair out of her eyes in attempts to make herself seem civil. "Have a guest, do we?"
"Ah, Ben! This is Lucy, Lucy Oakley, a friend of mine."
"Oakley?" Benjamin repeated, offering a hand that he knew a woman of Lucy's class was expecting to shake upon the new greeting. "The spectacles maker's daughter, I suppose?"
"You know us?"
"I make it my business to know everyone," he replied, smiling awkwardly. "Oh! Benjamin- yes, Nellie said. Barker's the name, Benjamin Barker."
"Then I'm afraid I can't extend the same courtesy of knowledge that you possess, Mr Barker, I'm afraid I haven't a clue who you are."
Despite this, Benjamin still smiled, and upon seeing this Nellie beamed brightly. Though Lucy was not as warm and open as she would come to be within the proceeding hours, Benjamin did not react badly to the girl at all and Nellie felt all at once quite safe in the knowledge they would get along swimmingly.
It was in that same room four months later that Nellie sat there, her eyes dark and empty as Lucy sat beside her, realising that her happiness was not shared in. Slowly her delighted speech waned into pleads for acknowledgement, fear for Nellie's health.
"Please, talk to me, are you alright? Should I go and get one of the other girls? Please, Nellie, you look so cold!"
After a few more minutes Nellie finally swallowed thickly and uttered a shuddering sigh, her whole body shaking.
"A marriage?" she asked with a croaked voice. Lucy was stunned into silence for a moment but then smiled slightly.
"Yes, Nellie, a marriage. I daresay I stunned you a bit? I'm so sorry- I know we weren't very public about it, not that I think about it. I just didn't think it would shock you as much."
Nellie nodded slowly, and began shaking a little. Again, Lucy's fears were brought forward and she took off her shawl, wrapping it around Nellie's shoulders. The woman was deaf to the world, though, and barely noticed Lucy's repeated pleads for her health. It took a while for her to be able to hear again.
"I think you've calmed a bit, haven't you? Is it a cold? The flu? Tell me what it is, Nellie, and perhaps I can help. Perhaps Ben could help? He'll be here soon, only a few more minutes."
With slow deliberate movements, Nellie pushed the shawl from her shoulders and stood, her fingers stretching and curling repetitively to gain the feeling back. She turned herself to face Lucy, though her eyes stared at the floor.
"Yeh really didn't know, did yeh?" she asked quietly, her tone low. Lucy blinked twice, confused.
"Know what, Nellie?"
"Yeh didn't know that this wasn't meant to 'appen. 'e wasn't meant to fall in love with yeh, Lucy."
"Is it the flu, Nellie? Because you need to sit down if it is, you need to rest, you-"
"'e was meant to fall in love with me."
They were quiet again, the silence only broken by the sounds of the brothel outside their small shelter. Lucy stood slowly, her hands clasped together.
"What?"
"'e was meant to be mine. I found 'im first, I loved 'im first."
"Nellie, what are you talking about?"
"I've been so blind," Nellie said with a choked sob, realising at that moment that she had begun to cry. "I didn't even know that… that yeh'd… God, Lucy, 'ow could yeh do this to me?"
Lucy looked warily at her friend, twisting her fingers together as she attempted to think of something to say. Nellie attempted to control herself, her own hands at her temples and twisting into her hair. Noting this, Lucy moved forward and placed her hands on Nellie's, gently prising them away from her head. Nellie's eyes met Lucy's and the two froze, though the eye contact made Lucy braver and she smiled half heartedly.
"I do love him dearly," she said slowly, grasping Nellie's hands tightly. "And he loves me too. I swear, I never meant for it to happen- if I'd have known I would never, ever have…"
Nellie shook her hands away from Lucy's grasp, taking a few steps backwards as she controlled her breath.
"That ain't true," Nellie murmured, closing her eyes tightly. "If yeh'd 'ave known, I'd 'ave 'ad to give 'im up, wouldn't I? 'Cause that's what friends do, ain't it?"
Lucy only stood still, unable to find a way to reply.
"Yeh're not even gonna talk to me? Did I ruin it for yeh? Good! Good, I want to, 'cause it's not fair yeh know? Yeh're gonna go get married an I- I'm gonna be stuck 'ere, while you two are swanning off in yeh own 'appy little world while I- I'm-"
She stopped here and clenched a fist to her mouth, holding back a sob. Lucy looked at her and finally, after what seemed a lifetime of silence, raised a hand to her as if offering peace. Nellie looked up with wide, disbelieving eyes.
"I just want to do right by you, Nellie," Lucy said, a shiver in her voice. "That's all I've ever wanted to do, I swear it."
The hand remained outstretched towards Nellie, waiting for a friendly gesture. She stared at it for a moment, considering. Really, there should have been no reason not to hold the hand and make amends, to apologise and forget.
No. That wouldn't do.
With a heavy sob and a rough hand pushing Lucy out of the way, Nellie ran from the room, one hand pressed to her mouth and the other holding her skirts out of the way. She could have sworn that she heard Benjamin calling her to stop as she ran outside, having passed him as she ran, but she could not stop. No, Nellie refused to stop for as long as she had breath in her lungs.
Nellie sat up in her bed, shaking. Memories had flooded her dreams for as long as she could remember and whenever such memories became apparent, she could never stop herself from waking up with tears in her eyes. She looked around the room, half expecting the usual cooing over her well being that followed her nightmares. But it did not come.
Slowly she remembered Johanna's flight from the house and another wave of sadness crashed through Nellie's heart. She could not stop herself from whimpering slightly, sinking back into her pillows and gripping her hair tightly in a fist, trying to relieve some tension that locked itself in her joints.
The house was almost too quiet for her liking without the familiar creaking of floorboards from across the hallway, and Nellie found herself remaining conscious for far too many hours for her liking, and for far too long to allow her to forget her dreams.