As Estelle had suspected, Sam spent the entirety of the walk back hanging on to every word that fell from Natalie's lips. Though to be fair, Natalie seemed pretty into him too. They fell into a flirty back-and-forth, absorbed enough with each other to practically forget Estelle and Sebastian were there at all. Which, honestly, was fine with her. It gave her time to get her thoughts in order.
Despite being half-sisters and growing up in the same city, Estelle didn't meet Natalie until she was a senior in high school. Even that was a complete coincidence – Nat happened to start dating one of Estelle's friends, and she stuck around even after the relationship ended. Though they grew to be friends, and hung out fairly regularly, it was only after Estelle moved in with her father that they realized they were related. It would have been an awesome revelation if only it had come under different circumstances.
Natalie was the middle child of her father's "real kids", as Nancy liked to call them, and the only one worth a damn in Estelle's opinion. The oldest was actually a year older than Estelle, which was all the evidence anyone needed to realize their dad was a piece of shit who'd slept around on his wife. When Estelle's mom found out that the guy she was seeing was actually married with a baby at home, she left him – but it was too late, and she was already pregnant. Whoops.
Somehow Nancy didn't leave him, and instead chose to blame Estelle's mom for his infidelity; and, ultimately, despise Estelle for existing. And while she understood the feelings behind it, and understood that at the end of the day Nancy was a victim too...it didn't really matter to her. She didn't choose to be born of an affair, and she didn't deserve to be treated like shit because of the sins of her father. So despite all of that understanding, she just ended up hating all of them as much as they hated her.
Except Natalie. For whatever reason, she stuck around when all of Estelle's other friends bailed, when her "family" didn't give a shit about her. During the darkest times Natalie would bring her food and make her eat. Hold her hair back and get her in bed when she came home too fucked up to function. When she couldn't muster the will to leave her room, Natalie would keep her company, doing her homework or playing a game quietly on the floor. Not imposing herself, but just being there to let her know she wasn't alone.
Estelle never thanked her for it. She'd been too trapped in her own anguish to recognize that she owed Natalie a lot. At least she'd get the chance to now.
"You okay?"
Sebastian's voice was quiet, but it pulled her out of her thoughts as effectively as an air horn to the face. She blinked back to the present to find that she'd started to lag behind – Sam and Natalie were 5 or 6 steps ahead, but Seb had stayed back with her. She met his gaze to find gentle concern reflected in the dark pools of his eyes, filling her chest with a warmth that chased out the anger and old hurt settling there.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Natalie's cool. It's just unexpected."
"You sure? You look like you're thinking about something you don't want to be."
Estelle smiled, shaking her head. "How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Always seem to know what I'm thinking. It's like you just see right through me all the time. It used to freak me out to be honest, but now I'm kind of used to it."
"You pick up on things when you don't talk much," he said with a shrug. "I've gotten pretty good at reading people over the years."
"Well it's an incredibly unfair advantage, you know. I never know what the hell is going on in your head."
He chuckled. "Probably for the best. My head's a fucked up place."
"Yo! What are you two whispering about back there?" Natalie called back, stopping on the path so they could catch up.
"Taking bets on how long before you and Sam hook up," Estelle teased.
Natalie grinned shamelessly. "Well I hope you bet low girl, 'cause I'd hate to lose you money."
Sam choked on the air he was breathing, going red from the tips of his ears to the collar of his shirt. His reaction sent Estelle into a fit of giggles, and even Sebastian smirked. Natalie just calmly pat him on the back and started walking again.
Man, that girl was going to eat him alive.
The path leading up to the house was too narrow to walk more than two across, so Estelle and Natalie led, catching up on lighthearted topics while skirting around the serious ones. They were almost to the stairs when Estelle glanced up, and came to an abrupt stop when she saw who was waiting on her porch. Natalie furrowed her brow but stopped as well, sensing the waves of tension that were suddenly radiating off of her sister.
To her unending disappointment, Estelle couldn't even manage to conjure up the scathing sarcasm she typically used for this kind of thing. All she could do was glare icily at the violet-haired girl sitting on her porch swing, swaying back and forth like she owned the place. She knew this day would come eventually, and she should have been better prepared for it. But as her feelings for Sebastian grew, so did her utter loathing of Abigail, and knowing what was inevitably coming next sent her into a spiral of jealousy and anger so intense she couldn't even speak around it.
Turns out she didn't have to.
"What are you doing here Abby?" Sam said flatly, coming up to stand beside Estelle. It felt almost like a protective gesture, and she was grateful that he had her back.
Abigail stopped the swing, looking down from the porch with disdain. "What, do I need permission to visit Sebastian now? I didn't realize living here meant Estelle was his fucking warden."
Sam opened his mouth to respond, but before he had a chance Natalie snorted derisively. Quickly picking up on the situation, she put her hands on her hips and sized Abigail up in a way that would have made a supermodel self-conscious.
"Honey, let me give you a little tip: With your looks, bitchy is not the way to go."
Sam unsuccessfully tried to cover a laugh with a cough, and Abigail shot him a look of contempt.
"And just who the fuck are you?" she sneered.
"Abby, just stop," Sebastian said with a tired sigh. "If you want to hang out text me instead of randomly showing up."
She scoffed, crossing her arms as she stomped loudly down the stairs. "Whatever. I don't want to hang out in this shithole anyway. Come to the fair with me?"
Sebastian shifted his weight uncomfortably. "I've kinda had enough of the fair for one day."
Abigail's face was crossed between anger at being denied and a determination to get something out of this so she didn't look like a complete idiot. "Okay, then walk me home at least?"
"I've missed you," she added as an afterthought.
Estelle caught the way Sebastian's eyes flicked to hers for a split second before dropping. She wished she wouldn't have. It would have felt better to be totally ignored than to be acknowledged and still ultimately dismissed.
"Fine."
He turned back toward town without another word, not waiting for anyone to comment further. He just...left. Just like that. Abigail said come and off he went, like a trained fucking puppy.
Estelle felt like she was going to throw up.
Natalie flashed a dazzling smile, waving excitedly. "Bye Abby! I'd say nice to meet you, but it really hasn't been!"
"Fuck you!" Abigail yelled back, causing Natalie and Sam to howl with laughter as she disappeared onto the road.
Estelle, on the other hand, silently climbed the stairs and went inside. So much for her good day.
All Estelle wanted to do was lock herself in her bedroom and sulk until she heard Sebastian come home, and then sulk harder. But she couldn't. She didn't know how long Natalie would be in town, and she genuinely did want to catch up with her. She was the only family Estelle had left. She didn't want to let Abigail fuck this up for her too.
But that was easier said than done. She felt like the life had been sapped out of her – all the humor and joy of the day, all the unspent energy and good intentions, gone. Replaced with bitterness, and a sharp biting anger at herself for letting it come to this. She knew better. She knew he'd choose Abigail at every turn. That's what was stopping her from getting involved with him in the first place, right? Because she knew.
She knew, but she was still fucking stupid enough to care.
Estelle turned into the kitchen as soon as she entered the house, opening the fridge and silently praying there was still beer in there. She'd bought a 12 pack for the mayo machine adventure this morning, and there was no way her and Shane could have killed the entire thing. Well...okay they totally could have, but she was pretty sure they hadn't.
There they were, hidden behind the coffee cream. Four left. Good lookin' out, past-Estelle.
She popped the cap off a bottle and took a long, bracing swig as she heard the screen door open. Time to act normal, like nothing was wrong. Like her insides weren't a writhing ball of misery. No big deal. Everything was fine.
Natalie's expression flipped from giddy laughter to concern the second she looked her way. "What's wrong?"
Well, so much for that.
"Nothing," she replied dully.
Natalie glanced at Sam, who frowned and nodded towards the door. After a moment's consideration, understanding finally dawned on her. "Oh!" she exclaimed, eyes going wide before crinkling with sympathy. "Oh. Shit. You're totally in love with that dude aren't you?"
Estelle didn't even bother denying it. There was no point. If Sam didn't already know, hearing Natalie say it out loud would have been all the evidence he needed. Instead she just took another drink, dropping heavily onto the couch and pulling her knees up to her chest.
"It doesn't matter."
"What do you mean it doesn't matter? Of course it matters."
"I mean it doesn't fucking matter, Natalie!" Estelle snapped. She immediately regretted her tone, and dropped her forehead against her knees with a sigh. "Sorry."
"It's cool. But just so you know, if he passed you up for that belligerent cow then he's a blind fucking idiot. Sorry Sam."
Sam shrugged. "No argument here. I keep trying to tell him that but he's a stubborn blind idiot. The trifecta."
"Can we just drop it please?" Estelle pleaded. Hearing them talk shit on Sebastian wasn't going to change anything. It was just making her feel worse.
"Consider it dropped," Natalie said, flopping down on the couch next to her. "So then, other than your dumbass roomie, what's been going on with you the past...what, almost two years now?"
"Nothing very interesting," Estelle said, grateful for the subject change even though this one wasn't much better. "Kept being a self-destructive piece of shit in Zuzu for a while, 'til I found out my Grandpa left me this place and moved at the beginning of spring. Trying to be less of a self-destructive piece of shit here, but, you know..." she trailed off, tipping her beer towards her friends with a bitter smile before taking a drink.
Natalie frowned. "You know, you make it really hard to be a supportive sister sometimes."
"Sorry."
She leaned over and gave Estelle an exaggerated, sloppy kiss on the cheek. "I love you anyway. So! Wanna hear about how I made my mom so angry she literally threw up?"
Despite feeling like the mopiest fuck on the planet, the image that sentence conjured up made Estelle snort into her beer.
"Uh, yes. Yes I do."
So they sat and listened to Natalie regale them with tales of her teenage rebellion and ultimate escape from her overbearing mother. Too preoccupied with her own suffering, Estelle hadn't realized that the woman's tyranny extended to the other members of the household, and that revelation had her questioning other things from her past that she'd held as unequivocal truths for so long. Turns out that the "perfect little family" she'd intruded on wasn't so perfect after all. They all had their own issues, and while it probably made her a shitty person, that fact actually made Estelle feel better. She wasn't a black sheep. Behind the coordinated family photos and perfectly groomed lawn was a bunch of people as fucked up as she was.
Which, conversely, made her feel guilty for leaving Natalie there. While it was true she'd been kicked out, she could have told Nat where she was going – but she didn't. She liked to think it was because she wanted to protect the younger girl from her rapid downward spiral, but if she was honest with herself it was more that she wanted to escape everything from her past. Like if she could just leave behind everything from that part of her life, the hurt would stay back with it as well. She ran away, like she always did, and abandoned the one person who gave a fuck about her.
But Estelle wasn't ready to deal with all of that right now, so when Natalie brought it up, she just fell back on her standard half-truths.
"I was so pissed you didn't tell me where you were going, by the way," Natalie said, frowning. "I'd have gone with you in a second."
"That's why I didn't tell you. Couldn't be a proper degenerate with a high school kid tagging along."
"Wait..." Sam cut in. "You were still in high school when Estelle moved?"
"Yeah?"
Estelle could practically see him doing the math in his head. "How...old are you?" he finally asked.
Natalie smirked. "19."
"Oh thank Yoba," he sighed in relief. "Sorry. Carry on."
Estelle rolled her eyes, but deep down she was secretly hoping they did hook up. They were cute together, both so optimistic and full of life. And more importantly, she was sick of hearing Sam bitch about the lack of single chicks in town. Speaking of…
"How long are you planning on being around?" she asked.
"Who knows?" Natalie said with a shrug. "I've mostly been couch surfing for the past year. The couple I'm staying with now are about to have a kid though so I'm in the market for new digs."
She didn't even need to look at Sam to know what he was about to say.
"Dude, you should totally stay here! There's a spare room upstairs, right Estelle?"
"There is...but I'd want to run it by Seb first before saying yes," she replied apologetically.
Sam looked like he was about to argue but Natalie shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah no worries, just let me know! It'd be nice to crash with someone I know instead of a random person from the internet. Plus it'd only be for a few weeks until my internship in Zuzu starts."
"What are you interning for?" Sam asked.
"Journalism," she replied with a smile. "It's only a 6 month gig but I'm hoping to snag a permanent position out of it, or at least some good contacts for freelancing."
"Really? What happened to your dreams of being a rock star?" Estelle teased.
"The market for rock stars is saturated, sadly," she said. "Besides, no one pays attention to the drummer anyway. It's some weak shit. Guitarists are so overrated."
Estelle laughed. "Better watch yourself, Sam is a guitarist."
Sam, however, didn't seem to catch the last piece at all. "You play drums?" he asked slowly.
"What's up with you and asking questions that were literally just answered?" she said playfully. "Yeah dude, I play drums. Punk mostly."
"FUCK! YES!" he shouted, standing abruptly enough to cause the chair he'd been sitting on to clatter loudly to the floor. He dropped to his knees in front of the couch, grabbing Natalie's hands excitedly.
"I will do literally anything if you'll play in my band, even just temporarily, 'cause we have a gig coming up and we don't even have the drum sets written because Abby is useless as fuck and I've been freaking out and please say yes," he rambled.
"I can't tell if you're proposing to me right now or asking me to write music for you, but either way, sure," she said laughing. "Wait, did you say Abby?"
Sam made a face. "Yeah. She's technically our drummer but she hasn't shown for a practice in months. The only reason I haven't kicked her out is because no one else plays."
"And because Seb wouldn't let you," Estelle reminded him. "You know he's going to be pissed if you replace her without talking to him first."
Sam stood again, picking up the chair and flipping it around to sit backwards. "I don't care man. It's not even about the fact that she's a raging bitch. He knows how important this show is to me. If she isn't going to put in work then fuck her."
"Well, if it helps you out and pisses her off, I'm all in," Natalie said with a grin. "What kind of band? Please don't say country."
"Rock. Estelle actually helped make the final call on genre."
"Aww. That's cute." Natalie snuggled closer to Estelle, laying her head on her shoulder. "I'm so glad you made good friends here. I worried about you a lot, you know."
"I know. I'm sorry for being a shit sister," she said, putting her arm around the smaller girl. "Thanks for looking out for me."
"Anytime."
Sebastian picked up his pace on the way home, pulling his hood up to keep people from trying to talk to him. He'd narrowly avoided Caroline already, and just wanted to get home without being roped into any bullshit small talk. It was already starting to get dark, and he hadn't even wanted to come back to town in the first place.
Being around so many people all day had completely drained him, and all he wanted to do was hang out on the couch watching some dumb comedy with Estelle, letting her laughter calm his frayed nerves. The comfortable routine they'd fallen into at night had quickly become his favorite part of the day, something to actually look forward to. How long had it been since he'd had something like that? He couldn't even remember.
It was strange, but he felt more like he belonged now than he ever did living with his family. Maybe this is what people meant when they talked about home being a feeling, not a place. He felt at home with her. And he was absolutely terrified of losing it.
That dynamic fucked with him so much. She made him feel so much, emotions he didn't know he was capable of, lighting up his entire world. But the flip side of that coin was just overwhelming amounts of fear. Fear of losing all of this brightness. Fear that if he made a move she'd reject him and he'd never recover from it. Fear that his inaction would cause him to lose her to someone else. Fear that no matter what happened, he wasn't good enough for her anyway. Fear that she'd realize he wasn't.
He was so, so afraid. And he hated it.
As Sebastian approached the house he wondered if Sam and Natalie were still there. Probably. He hadn't seen them in passing, and Sam never used the south entrance. Natalie seemed alright, and Sam was Sam, but he couldn't help but wish they'd be gone when he arrived. Not only because he wanted to veg out, but also because they'd both annoyed the fuck out of him earlier by starting shit with Abby and he wasn't sure he had the patience left to deal with anything else. Especially because she had bitched about them the entire walk to town.
To be fair, he was also annoyed with Abby for her little stunt. It was obvious that she didn't come over to see him – she showed up to piss off Estelle. Which was shitty in its own right, but even more so because it had very clearly worked. Estelle's stony silence spoke far louder than her usual snarky comments and thinly veiled insults, and there was nothing he could do about it besides try to get Abby out of there as fast as he could.
And that's all it was, he realized as they were walking. He wanted to get rid of her so he could enjoy his night. When had that happened? He used to live for spending time with her. She'd been so quirky, so different from everyone else in town. She hadn't cared that he didn't talk as a teenager, and she was happy to talk for both of them. She played games with him, she raged about the unfairness of life with him, she told the other kids at school to fuck off when they gave him shit. She had the same cynical outlook he did, the same desperate desire to escape. Other than Sam, she was the only person he really considered a friend in those days.
Then one day it just clicked – he loved her. And the second that thought crossed his mind, it felt like it burned itself into his very soul. She was it. He was going to be with her or die alone. So when he asked her out and she said she wasn't ready, he accepted it. When she dated that idiot from her college, he waited. When they broke up, he gave her space to heal. When she said she had to focus on herself before a relationship, he understood. He dealt with every reason she gave for not being with him because he loved her. Besides, this was his lot in life. Everything was always fucked up for him, why wouldn't this be? He could wait. He didn't have a choice but to wait.
But things had changed. She had changed, as much as he tried to deny it. There was a streak of cruelness, of narcissism that hadn't been there before. Or maybe it always was, but he was too young, dumb, and love-struck to see it. Either way, he saw it now, a thick black mark through what was once shining perfection to him.
And it wasn't just her – he had changed too. While Abby was delving deeper into selfishness and resentment, he was finally starting to come up for air. His days weren't the blur of anger and bitterness that they'd been for so long, and he really didn't miss it. He didn't want to feel that way anymore. He no longer just wanted someone to hold hands with in the dark. He wanted the light.
He was just too much of a coward to take the risk.
Sebastian heard talking and laughter from inside as he crossed the porch, but when he pushed the door open whatever conversation they had been having died immediately. The room was suddenly filled with tense silence, and he slowly closed the door behind him, feeling himself become defensive already.
"Well, look who decided to show up," Sam finally said, no small amount of irritation in his voice.
Sebastian glanced between the three of them. Sam was frustrated, which was to be expected. Natalie was looking at him strangely, like a mixture of appraisal, disappointment, and expectation, whatever that was all about. Estelle wouldn't look at him at all, downcast eyes focused on picking at a loose thread on the cuff of her hoodie.
So everyone was pissed at him for going with Abby, apparently. They thought he'd ditched them to hang out with her, even though obviously he hadn't if he was back already. Not that logic or reasoning ever seemed to matter when it came to this power struggle between his friends. Sam was getting more outspoken, Estelle was getting more withdrawn, and Abby was getting more hurtful. Despite how hard he was trying to keep everything civil, he couldn't help but feel like it was only a matter of time before it all exploded in his face.
Sebastian sighed. "Should I have just let her throw a fit on the porch then?"
"Yeah, actually. Or told her to fuck off. You know, literally anything other than giving in to her constant bullshit would be nice," Sam said with a frown.
"Except walking her home was the quickest way to get her out of here, which is what everyone wanted isn't it? But fuck me for trying to do you guys a favor, right?" Sebastian shot back, moving towards the stairs to his room. Whatever. He was done.
He had one foot on the stairs when Estelle's voice stopped him in his tracks.
"Hey."
He glanced over to where she was sitting on the couch, and she gave him a little smile.
"Thanks for helping. Want some coffee?"
For as much as she thought he was able to read her mind, Sebastian had absolutely no idea what Estelle was thinking at that moment. What he did know was that if she didn't want him to leave, then he wouldn't.
"Yeah. Coffee sounds good."