Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight and am not Stephenie Meyer.
A/N – Chapters One through Five have been REDONE. They are now better. IMPORTANT NOTE AT BOTTOM PLEASE READ IT THANKS.
Enjoy:)
Chapter Twenty-Two: Lethargic
Our path to Biology was unobstructed by the presence of humans. I was grateful for the lack of close-at-hand blood other than Bella's: it was hard enough to resist her, and that was just her smell. The addition of heartbeats – not scent – made it more difficult to keep up my normal front.
Bella knew that I was, by no means, 'normal'. She didn't know just how difficult it was to walk beside her on the way to class, however, and she didn't realize that I was fighting every step of the way. I was fighting the draw of her blood, and my memories of our extremely recent lunch conversation. I didn't want to think about that right now…
I was grateful for the breeze that took the brunt of her scent away from my face. There was plenty of temptation remaining, but with the edge taken off, I could relax just a little bit more by her side.
When we entered the classroom, I felt oddly pinned under the gaze of the human eyes in the room. If I didn't know better, I would have thought it was because they could sense I wasn't human and wondered what I was doing anywhere near this relatively innocent young woman.
It was an absurd paranoia, of course. I could clearly hear every word that went through their minds as Bella and I took our seats at our table. I could practically hear the rumor mill starting as I sat in my seat rather close beside Bella.
Angling my chair away from her like I used to would be rude of me. Besides, her heart was constantly pounding next to me all class period, anyway: what did it matter if I sat close beside her or not? I had to exert the same amount of control as always.
She was shy and quiet again, not saying a word as soon as we had taken our seats. I didn't mind – it allowed me to make my breaths shallower, since I didn't need the air to speak or breathe. Only out of habit did I keep my air circulation going.
Almost as soon as we were seated, the instructor came out with an ancient TV and VCR on a metal cart. This video should keep them occupied for a few class periods. That should give me enough time to grade all of those tests I haven't gotten to yet…
I relaxed back in my seat, preparing for a class period of monotony while the students began buzzing in excitement at the prospect of doing virtually nothing all class. Beside me, Bella, too, eased back in her chair, her eyes fixed on Mr. Banner as he hit the light switch.
As the room was plunged into darkness around me, I felt the oddest tingling sensation in my fingers. The scent of Bella's blood was the same potency as ever – but with the lights off, there was something so much more intense about it.
I didn't understand why I was suddenly so much more aware of Bella sitting beside me. The longing for her blood was increased exponentially, due to the fact that in the dark, 'deprived' of my sight, my hearing grew sharper.
I could always hear her heart beating. But now, it was pounding in my ears, thrumming that gentle tune that I was learning belonged solely to her. No one else matched her heartbeat, her rhythm of breathing… and sitting beside her did nothing to help me block it out.
Even more frightening a prospect was the odd sensation in my fingers. An unfamiliar ache grew in the pit of my stomach, and without realizing my own intentions; I suddenly found my gaze locked on the silky curve of her neck – visible by my vampire eyes even if it had been a completely moonless night.
Locking my hands tightly against my body, I willed myself not to move so much as an inch. My head hadn't moved at all, for I was staring at her through my peripheral vision, but I had to wonder if she could feel the weight of my gaze upon her.
There was an intense longing in me to touch her…but that had to be the monster in me. The monster that thirsted for the sweet blood that rushed through her veins that, even now, were causing a delicate blush to appear on her cheeks.
I blinked. She was blushing? Why was she blushing? Only my vampire eyes could have seen that in the darkness, especially since the television screen had yet to display the opening credits.
Her posture also confused me: her hands were clenched in fists under her arms, and her back was perfectly straight. It was a very familiar position…and I realized, suddenly, that I was seated the same way.
But there was no way she felt what I did – was there? I reevaluated the longing: was it possible that I was mistaken about where it was coming from? The similarities between us at the moment were far too many to dismiss arbitrarily.
When the opening credits scrolled across the screen, providing a little bit of light, I saw Bella's eyes finally move – and they locked with mine. She stared for a minute before a shy smile spread over her face. She'd obviously noticed that I was seated exactly like her.
I returned the gesture, trying very hard to keep my eyes on her face. Her throat was simply too alluring for my sanity… She looked away from me, seeming to concentrate on the film showing at the front of the room. However, her eyes were far too glazed over to really be seeing anything.
I tried to turn my eyes away from her, but it was a losing battle. I could not tear my eyes away from her, no matter how much it tortured my grip on my control. Everything inside of me, apart from the part that wanted her blood desperately, wanted to keep my eyes on Bella.
After all this time, and all I had come to acknowledge within myself, I knew that denying I felt at least 'affection' for Bella was preposterous. It wasn't an aching need that I felt, or a semi-unconscious note of Bella whenever I saw her.
This was something intense yet gentle, painful but refreshing, attractive and cautioning… I didn't fully know what to make of all my emotions, as I had proven to myself time and again. There was just too much in my head and no place to let it out, make it distant memory instead of recent occurrence…
I thought it all and then some as I watched that beautiful girl beside me as an inane human video ran its course. I watched her even as I knew that someone had to notice that I wasn't paying attention, as my paranoia made me think that a human had to have noticed by now.
And I watched her even as I knew that it was dangerous to my control. It was dangerous for me to keep my eyes so closely locked on Bella, when I knew that even watching her profile gave me far too good a glimpse at the pale expanse of throat she had unknowingly exposed.
It wasn't just her neck that drew something out of me, but her face. The tingling in my fingertips didn't lessen the whole time we were still and quiet beside each other that class. If anything, it grew much stronger, the more time that passed.
And I had named it, shocking myself with my own revelation. I knew what it was: the longing to sweep my hand over her face, delicately brush her cheek…in some way, some gentle, careful way, I had begun longing to touch her since the lights went off in our Biology classroom. And I didn't know quite what to make of that alien longing.
When class was finally over, neither of us had moved so much as an inch from our rigid postures. I took that to mean that Bella, too, had felt something. What she had felt, I didn't know. But I knew that this had definitely not been a normal class.
"Well, that was interesting," I murmured to myself. Somehow, I knew that she, too, would hear me. I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She had to have noticed something odd during this class period, too – hadn't she?
Her answering, "Umm," was more of an answer than she realized.
I knew that she had to get to her next class, but I was hardly able to get to mine. The past hour had been a constant, worrying battle for control and I didn't think I would be able to hold myself together for very long if I went into my next class.
Resolving to skip my next period, I decided to walk Bella to hers. It wasn't like there was anything I could learn in Spanish that I hadn't already. "Shall we?" I rose to my feet.
Bella took a little bit longer than she should have in standing. Her movements were slow, eerily precise and careful. It was a clear sign that she had felt the bizarre tension laced between the two of us during the class period.
Another steady silence lay between us as we walked. I watched her inconspicuously, striding along quietly at my side. It wasn't exactly hard to do: I was taller than Bella, and therefore easily able to glance down at her without her notice.
I almost smiled to myself as I realized we were already falling into a routine – and immediately after, I straightened my face, trying to force an expression of nothing on my face.
What was I thinking? There was nothing good about a routine between us: it only showed that Bella could get comfortable around me. That wasn't good for her continued health and definitely not for my sanity, if more periods like the last were to come.
Bella deserved everything and more, and if she became used to my presence in her life I would only disrupt it. And in addition to our growing 'friendship', there were the growing feelings that I knew lay inside me.
Especially a particular little nagging that made my hand itch and burn uncontrollably, longing to reach out to the side just a few inches and touch her…on the cheek, on the arm, her throat even…
Bella abruptly came to a stop and I realized that we were outside of the gym. She turned around, her dark brown eyes meeting mine with a careful, neutrally warm expression. The instant she fully saw my face, something changed on her face.
The corners of her lips pulled down, and a faint crease appeared between her eyebrows. She searched my eyes for something, most likely a hint as to what I was thinking. I knew, then, that she could see through any semblance of a mask I might have managed to keep on.
Her lips parted for a brief moment – probably to say a few parting words – but nothing escaped her lips. She didn't manage to say anything, and instead stared at me. Her eyes searched my face – and before I knew it, my hand was moving up.
I realized it was moving in time to slow it down – perhaps too much. I couldn't exactly stop myself from moving, and I knew that it was a very bad idea…but I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to, too much.
And my fingers gently, carefully traced a thin line along the length of her cheekbone.
Her skin was so warm that it felt like I was brushing my fingertips against a fire. Nevertheless, I didn't want to pull my hand away. I wanted, more than anything, to keep the contact, to keep my fingers against her burning skin…
But I couldn't. Already, it seemed like I had almost gone too far. I almost feel her heart from where I had brushed her, and I could hear it far too clearly. Her heart was creating a rushing, staccato beat, brought on from how the touch had probably been a surprise to her.
I knew that I had to leave, to put distance between Bella and myself. The mere knowledge that she had that warm, rich blood rushing through her veins was enough to make venom pool in my mouth – much less, actually hearing it.
There was a silent apology in my eyes as I turned away from her, quickly striding away to attain that distance. I wouldn't have been able to think of any words to say if I had stayed.
When I was definitely out of sight of the gym, I paused, slowing my steps. Her heartbeat was no longer audible, and there was fresh air out here to keep her scent from swirling around me. I could think again.
Now I had to ask myself where I was going to go. I couldn't make myself go back to the car yet: I'd be there soon enough – taking Bella home from school. My stomach twisted eagerly at that memory, and in anticipation of the car ride.
I wanted to talk to her again. I wanted to learn more about her. My chance would come in the car after school. There was already some stockpiled conversation topics that I hoped we'd be able to reach – mainly, all the questions I had for her.
There was so much about Bella's past that I didn't know. I was curious about her childhood, about her life…about her. What made Bella, Bella, was her past, and I wanted to know about it. The curiosity would prevail someday – but I figured that I had to let her ask a few more questions first.
Thinking of questions with Bella brought back an answer she'd given me earlier during lunch. Bella's comment about seeing her in gym…I knew that Bella was a tad bit clumsy, due to Alice more than actual witnessing of events. But I wanted to actually see it for myself.
She seemed to perfect in every little way that I bothered to notice. She was a kind, caring, and genuinely compassionate person. I couldn't imagine Bella being bad at anything. Someone with a soul as pure and untarnished as hers couldn't possibly be less than perfect.
That being said…I now wondered what she was like in gym. Glancing around, I noted the emptiness of the walkway I was on and knew that I should go somewhere and hide. The question was – hide where?
Grinning to myself, I spun on my heel and headed back to the gym. I knew exactly where I was going to go, and I knew a nice little corner on the opposite side of the gym that would allow me to hide from anyone who was walking around the campus.
And also allow me to listen to the thoughts inside the building and glean what information I could…
It took quite a lot of effort on my part not to laugh at the antics Bella had gotten up to that class period. I did, however, wish that the racket had hit Mike Newton a little bit harder: maybe it would have knocked some sense into the boy.
I disliked listening to his thoughts about Bella during the hour. He was a typical teenage boy, the stereotypical high school male. I did not like the thoughts he had about Bella one bit – and I didn't even bother trying to suppress what I knew was protective fury over Bella.
What did it matter if I was dooming myself to fall for her, like my family thought I already had? What would happen would happen: I had seen enough of that over the years to know that events and triggers fell into place according to fate. What Fate wanted, she would take, and nothing could change that.
Making my way around to the exit of the gym, I leaned against the wall to await Bella's arrival. I couldn't smell her yet, even though I could detect the trailing path that marked where she had been an hour before, with me. Her scent lingered in the air.
I waited as several students passed by me: for the most part, I went unnoticed. A few females drifted along slower than they should have, and it didn't take a mind reader to know why. I studiously ignored every one of them.
Then Bella was coming through the door, and her face transformed quickly – from an expression I couldn't place, to one of contented serenity. She smiled in greeting, her beam wide and brilliant with her breathless, "Hi."
I returned the smile. "Hello. How was Gym?" I couldn't resist asking.
Her face lost a little bit of its open joy, and there was a distinct edginess in her voice. "Fine." I knew that it signaled she was lying, even without the benefit of knowing what had happened during the class.
"Really?" I wondered if I should even bring it up at all, remembering her slight, undaunting anger over my eavesdropping on Jessica's conversation with her.
…I bet Cullen doesn't even know that she was hurt during class. Well, she hurt herself, but still! But she teamed up with me for the class! If only Cullen could hear me – I'd gloat over that for as long as I could…
My eyes zeroed in on Newton's back as he walked away from us, thinking about all the things he'd say to me if he could. I almost laughed at the irony of 'if he could hear me', but my anger with him was much more potent.
"What?" Bella's demanding voice broke through and my eyes returned to hers.
I knew that I didn't sound happy at all as I edited the truth a little. "Newton's getting on my nerves."
Interestingly enough, she picked up on what I hadn't even implied. "You weren't listening again?" Her mouth widened in an open 'o' of horror.
I gave her the only answer I could think of. "How's your head?"
Bella was certainly something else when she was angry. I stop myself from thinking it as she huffed, "You're unbelievable!" turned on her heel, and stomped away.
My longer stride allowed me to easily keep pace with her. "You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen you in Gym – it made me curious." As more minutes of silence passed, I had a feeling that she was ignoring me.
I began to feel a little twist in my stomach, one that told me I had probably done something wrong by spying on her. I had just been curious… but I realized Bella was a private person. My spying embarrassed her.
I felt that twist in my gut grow more defined, and I knew I'd have to apologize to her if she didn't snap out of her anger. When we reached the car, my eyes narrowed slightly – before I relaxed. Of course… "Ostentatious."
Bella, too, had taken note of the obvious crush of male bodies around my sister's vehicle. Once in the car, she asked, "What kind of car is that?"
"An M3," I told her absently, twisting behind in my seat in a semblance of human normalcy – anyone watching us shouldn't see me backing up through this crowd without looking over my shoulder. The males around Rosalie's car were in a thick cluster that I had to back through.
"I don't speak Car and Driver."
I rolled my eyes on instinct, from the goading of Emmett several times – never when Rosalie the car fanatic was present, of course. "It's a BMW," I explained a bit shortly. The teenage gawkers around my sister's car were just barely realizing that they were blocking us as we tried to pull out.
I chanced another glance at her, not having heard a reply. I was sure that she had nodded her head, however, so there had been some response, but…"Are you still angry?"
"Definitely." There was no hint of humor about her face. I had overstepped some kind of boundary: that was evident.
Only one thing came to mind. "Will you forgive me if I apologize?"
She shot a glance at me, seeming to consider my offer seriously. I waited for a moment as she slowly answered. "Maybe…if you mean it. And if you promise not to do it again." Her finger had come up, another unconscious movement…like a scolding mother. And I was the troublesome child.
Her proposal, somehow, made me think of something I had thought of during the minutes I spent waiting to listen in on her P.E. period. Bella had wanted to drive on Saturday, but I had been reluctant to even consider the idea.
But a stunning idea had come to mind. If she were so insistent on driving, that would mean that she'd be taking her truck. Her father would definitely know she wasn't home – and he would notice if the clunking, monstrous vehicle didn't come back with his daughter safely inside.
In addition to that, the old red truck was easily recognizable. Bella would have to leave it somewhere when we got to the meadow…and if, by some horrible mishap, I lost control of myself it would be relatively easy to move her truck by the side of the road, to wait some passerby's notice…
I eyed her warily, hoping that she wouldn't guess the contingency plans I was already forming. The 'just in case' plans were ones I never wanted to use…but I had to create them, just in case. But first, I would have to change this deal… "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?"
My initial thought had been that Bella would take the new offer quickly. To my surprise, however, she thought it over for a moment. I wondered what she had to think over, and what motivated her decision, when she came to her decision. "Deal."
"Then I'm very sorry I upset you." And I was: I didn't want to make mistakes with Bella. I tried to let her see the sincerity in my eyes. Then I could no longer contain the relief that threatened to make me giddy. "And I'll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning."
I heard an unsteady thump of her heart and thought, for an instant, that it was because I had turned a corner 'too fast' or something of the like. Instead, she said, "Um, it doesn't help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."
Shaking my head, I told her, "I wasn't intending to bring a car." I was planning on running to her house. I knew very well that there couldn't be a trace of me having been at her house if something went wrong during our outing…besides, of course, the obvious problem of 'something wrong'.
"How –," she began to ask, but I cut her off. I was still divided upon whether I wanted her to run from me or not, and the part of me that longed to be near her was cautioning me not to reveal my inhuman speed to her, flat-out. She had to have noticed it by now, of course, but I still hadn't really said it aloud, making it less 'real'.
"Don't worry about it. I'll be there, no car." I would do as she said…and pray that I could make myself allow her to live.
She let that train of conversation go, but threw another one in my face. "Is it later yet?" she asked, raising an eyebrow significantly. I knew instantly what she was asking, and the same part of me that had been cautious before was now pouting in the back of my mind.
"I suppose it is later." I frowned, disliking this very much. I didn't exactly want her to know how dangerous I was – and yet, I did. So that she would get the point, she would have to know how truly dangerous I was.
That didn't mean I had to like telling her I was a monster, of course.
I could feel her eyes on me as I pulled into the driveway of her father's house. Bella was startled when I stopped the car, looking away from me to the house. It allowed me to move my eyes to her face without having to lock onto hers immediately.
She looked so sweet, and innocent, that I wanted to freeze the moment in time. Her wide eyes, staring at her house bemusedly, not even the faintest hint of a frown on her face… I knew that she wouldn't look like that after what I was going to tell her.
When she looked back at me, I was ready and waiting for it. "And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?" Little did she know…she had seen me hunt, in a way, that day she took a seat beside me in Biology and I had almost killed her…
If only she knew how it would have been all too easy to turn that passing encounter into a real hunt. Then she would have seen it, all right… I hoped that the gruesome thoughts didn't leave evidence of guilt on my face. That would have been a little bit too much to explain today.
"Well, I was mostly wondering about your reaction," she told me, clarifying herself.
I almost laughed out loud. "Did I frighten you?" Just what I had been trying to do, trying to get her to run away from me, and I had done it – but of course, Bella was Bella.
She hadn't run, but stayed put where she was. It seemed like it was going to be a lot harder than I thought for her to become suitably aware of her own danger. Especially when she continued to lie to me… "No."
I knew my smile wouldn't look very sad to her, since the emotion was mixing with a sense of relief. I had, indeed, succeeded in scaring her. The job would be hard, but it wasn't impossible, it seemed…"I apologize for scaring you." The apology flowed naturally off my tongue.
But then I remembered why I had succeeded, and any laughter seemed absolutely inappropriate. "It was just the very thought of you being there…while we hunted." My jaw was tense from the effort not to growl aloud.
"That would be bad?" She sounded far too curious for her own good.
And I just barely managed to grit out, "Extremely."
Bella was persistent. "Because…?" I was going to have to watch my words, not giving her too much even though I wanted to scare her away. I wanted to scare her – but not give her nightmares.
Deciding on a few basic, skeleton outlines of why I had reacted as I did, I told her, "When we hunt, we give ourselves over to our senses…govern less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way…"
I couldn't look at her: my eyes had become glued to the clouds hanging heavily all around the car. I held off watching her for a moment, allowing her to feel whatever she needed to without me butting into her thoughts, before I shot my gaze in her direction.
Nothing escaped those eyes – no judgment, not a hint of fear, and certainly not any indication as to how my explanation had been received. The thick, steady silence in the car grew long, and neither of us looked away.
And then, I could sense something in the air. There was something going on between us, but I didn't know what it was. And the tingling reemerged in my fingers; there was a longing to reach her again, brush that length of skin that felt like fire under my hand…
The silence had grown too quiet, and I didn't realize what it was until Bella drew in a sharp, jagged breath of air. She'd forgotten to breathe. I closed my eyes, not knowing what I should have felt, or thought, or done…
My nerves felt like a large, jumbled wreck of a pile and my emotions were shot. I felt almost numb, like the odd intensity had sucked the energy out of everything around us, in us… I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at the morose, dark clouds.
With a rough murmur, I told her, "Bella, I think you should go inside now." Before I do something I'd regret. Before I hurt her in any way. Before I lost control of myself, or began to wonder what that feeling was, or consider that I wanted to be closer to her even knowing the agony that would cause…
She opened the door, and with that puff of air came another volley of her sweet scent. I had barely realized that I wasn't struggling that hard not to bite her during the car ride until I got a sharp blast of her scent. Then, I knew that she would be in trouble if she weren't out of the car, soon.
Bella stumbled getting out of the car: I caught a glimpse of her in my peripheral vision and smiled to myself, a tight, thin-lipped ghost of a grin that was merely in recognition of the fact that she was, indeed, rather clumsy. Closing the odor behind her, she began to walk toward her house.
Something in me jerked, regret causing my hand to edge toward the button on my door. I didn't want to part like this, on possibly bad terms – unless that wasn't what it was. But why did it feel that way, then? My other hand slowly pulled the car into 'drive', and my foot landed on the brake pedal. I didn't have to go yet if I was going to do it…but should I?
I could hardly concentrate as I made a snap decision and nudged the button with my finger. The passenger side window rolled down smoothly. She noticed the sound and turned around. "Oh, Bella?" I called, leaning towards the window to get a better glimpse of her face.
"Yes?" She was curious, and it seemed like the strange, alien moment between us had been forgotten.
I couldn't help myself as I told her what I'd meant to. "Tomorrow it's my turn."
Bella frowned in confusion. "Your turn to what?"
"Ask the questions." I saw only her raised eyebrow and slightly open, stunned mouth before I let myself pulled out of her driveway and head down the road. I left the window open and lowered mine, as well, as I left her behind, standing in front of her house.
My last sight of Bella was of her watching me drive away with wide eyes and the faintest hint of a blush on her cheeks.
A/N – Again, I repeat what I said at the top: Chapters One through Five of 'Sunrise' have been REDONE. :) I think they're better now, and I hope I can get to the rest within a good amount of time!
The title of this chapter was chosen because I know it's slow, and I know it's a tad bit boring here. But I just have the rest of Chapter Eleven, Confessions, to translate into 'Sunrise' – Bella and Edward's conversations, Billy and Jacob's visit, then Chapter Twelve, Balancing, and then…Chapter Thirteen, Confessions. Yes, it's really that close! I'm working hard, guys – I'm just as excited to get to that part as you are:) Also, know that 'Confessions' will be a MEGA long chapter, because I don't really want to split it up. I only will if Fanfiction won't let me upload the entire chapter. So, that one will take a little while to get to you because of length, but I sincerely hope you'll like it:)
I have updated almost all of my stories in celebration of the holiday season! Also, I shall be gone from December 14th through December 27th in Florida for Christmas, so I won't be posting. However, I will be writing, time permitting, and I hope to have another all-stories update ready for you all by New Year's. :) That's my holiday spirit!
Thanks for reading!