I do not own victorious
Dear diary,
Well it's been awhile since I wrote in you. Said I was done with life last time. Still here. Doing ok, could be better though. Went to the doctors today and was told I have depression, ptsd(post traumatic stress disorder) and ednos(eating disorder not otherwise specified). I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to think I have a eating disorder but for a doctor to say I do I guess I cant deny it. I kept asking the doctor if she was sure I had ednos and she kept saying yes. Some people may think that means I'm not as "sick" as someone who has bulimia or anorexia but that's far from the truth. I'm still "sick", I still have all the same thoughts/ feelings as someone who has anorexia or bulimia, I still have a eating disorder. I'm in my own hell! I hate that I started this when I was 14 thinking I could stop, that me eating less for a few months wouldn't mess with me! Well guess I was wrong because it messed with me a lot! I did this to myself!
I had stopped for a little over a month not throwing up on purpose but started back up last week. The feelings and thoughts are horrible this time! All I think about is calories, when and if I can get sick, and if I'm losing weight. I'm not losing weight and that's getting me very mad! All I want is to be skinny and beautiful but where I am now is so far from ever being either one of those things! I want to trust and believe my friends and family when they say I'm pretty. Right now I can't believe them because of the mind set I'm in. I'm very spaced out again, don't feel like myself. Even though I haven't been getting sick again for a long period of time I can already feel the effects. My throat hurts a little bit time to time, my voice is weaker, already coughing more, me constantly spacing out!