I've decided quick and short is the way to go. W00t?

Unbeta'd, it's a surprise. WHEE, SURPRISE SEX!!

"To make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press three."

Naminé BGM: The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny-Lemon Demon

"Bwuh?"

"Bwuh indeed! I-"

"Naminé, what the fuck?"

That, surprisingly, came from Demyx, who is usually not a one for the swearing. (The 'bwuh' was Zexion.)

"All I'm saying is I'm happy for you two. You finally did it, I've been waiting forever."

"Oh, we're so sorry to keep you waiting," Demyx snaps, I'd forgotten what a bitch he can be in the morning. "Wait, did what?"

"Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?" Zexion must've felt left out.

Geez, are these two slow or what? "Had sex. Duh."

"We didn't-"

"Oh, for the love of-I'M NOT GAY!"

"You're not?" Zexion and I blink at each other, speaking in unison not being something we're accustomed to. Demyx glares at me and shoves Zexion off the bed. Zexion's wearing his underwear. Oh... Whoops.

"What's with the yell-Oh my fucking god, Zexion Karenin, I will kill you!" Yay, Lark's here!

"That was very uncalled for," Zexion, standing, reprimands the blond still in the bed who is also, I now notice, wearing underwear.

"Blow me." He does a pretty fair job of imitating Zexion's usual tone and inflection.

"Zexion! Pay attention as I kill you!"

"What are you on abou-Ow! That hurt, you punched me."

"Yeah, yeah I did. Whatcha gonna do about it?" Larxene taunts, really not the greatest of ideas.

"This!" And then Zexion pulled his arm back and probably would have punched her had Demyx not intervened by tackling Zexion to the floor while yelling, "Dude! She's a girl!"

"Yeah, a girl who hit me," Zexion argues as he shoves Demyx off of him.

"You pervy son of a whore! Stand back up so I can hit you again!"

"Sure, 'cause that's a great incentive. Not," Zexion mutters bitterly as he rubs at the back of his head, probably hurt by the tackle to the floor.

He stands up anyway though, and Lark, true to her word, gets ready to punch him again.

"Lark, stop it! He didn't touch him!"

Lark doesn't stop, but Zexion doesn't stand there waiting to get hit so it works out in the end.

"Um, guys, what the hell is going on?" snaps a voice behind me. As one, we all turn to stare at Sora, who, accompanied by Riku, stands in the doorway. It's quiet, too quiet.

Well, if no one else is going to do it, "Well you see, Demyx and Zexion didn't have sex, but-"

"Yes! Yes, we didn't have sex! And you know what?" Demyx is practically frothing at the mouth. "We're not going to! Because I'm not gay and I'm gonna start punching people who say so, okay?" Demyx had been sitting quietly on the floor where he was after Zexion shoved him off, but now he's standing and frothing and dragging on a pair of pants, that look awfully like Zexion's, while he yells at us.

It goes quiet again and we all stand with considering looks on our faces, like, 'Should he be in a straitjacket?'

"Says the guy who wakes me up with his tongue in my mouth," Zexion quips with more than a hint of irritation.

Demyx's mouth works silently for several moments while we stare at him, waiting for an explanation as to his contradictory behavior. He flushes an ugly shade of burgundy, "I-It was early in the morning, okay? Can't be held responsible." He crosses his arms over his chest as if his usual morning-stupid should free him of all blame, but if that were true Lark wouldn't have any blackmail on me, now would she?

"Yu-huh, right, sure, whatever you say." Zexion is pissed.

"Hey, Zex, do you remember implying I wasn't good enough for Naminé?"

Come again?

"Yeah, what of it?"

Seriously, the fuck did she just say?

"Well, how are you any better for Demyx when you're the camp tramp?"

"Camp slut," I correct automatically in my confusion-based daze.

Zexion looks thoughtful, "That's actually a very good question, give me a sec here."

"Did you guys all go mad when I was gone? Since when is Lark not good enough for me? Since when does it matter? And you!" My accusatory finger points at Zexion, "Since when are you screwing Marluxia when everyone knows you're for Demyx?" And speaking of Demyx, who's standing there looking stupid in Zexion's clothing, "Would you get out of the damn closet already?!"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"I'm screwing Marluxia? What the hell? Why did I not know this?"

"Zexion brought it up, not me!"

I filter through their varying responses and come to one solid conclusion, "Zexion, I blame you for this entirely."

He looks startled, and I suppose I can't blame him, much.

"Ooh, I know!" Sora exclaims suddenly with hand-clapping, "We can have a trial, like the case of The House v. Zexion!"

A quick round conferring via glance than we, the islanders, shrug as one.

But then Zexion had to ruin the cool synchrony by asking to put on pants first.

"To make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press three."

Sora BGM: What the Fuck is Wrong You People?-Combichrist (1)

It was decided that as the impartial third parties, Riku and I would both act as prosecutor and defense attorney. The four from the islands settle on the L-shaped living room couch and we swear them in all at once using a copy of Fable II.

"So, Zexion... Karenin, is it? Do you deny implying that Larxene... Sadi is not good enough for one Naminé Fell?"

"No."

"And what was the basis of this accusation?"

"That I had never taken her out on a "real date.""

"Thank you, Miss Sadi, but the question was directed to Mr. Karenin, not you. Mr. Karenin?"

"That she'd never taken her out on real date."

"I see, and-"

"Do you happen to remember your exact phrasing?" Riku cuts in.

Zexion, what a funny name, shakes his head, "No, I do not."

"He said, "My point is that maybe Demyx isn't the only one who deserves better.""

"Thank you, Mr. Aquroya."

"Miss Sadi, do you recollect ever implying or stating to Zexion that he was not good enough for your fake-cousin?"

"No."

"That was told to me by Marluxia."

"Marluxia..." I flip through the very hastily made dossiers and affidavits, "Marluxia... the pink-haired bastard," flip, "ϋber-man-whore," flip, "shameless tease," flip, "that you engage in sexual intercourse with?"

Zexi-Mr. Karenin frowns, "Except for the last one, yes."

"So, you deny that-"

"This is pointless! What we're trying to prove is totally moot."

Riku and I turn to stare at the blond upstart. "Really, Mr. Aquroya? And what exactly are we trying to prove?"

"Whether or not Zexy's worthy of me, but that's stupid because he doesn't want me!"

"Then what the-"

"OBJECTION!(2) Zexion does so want Demyx!"

"Ms. Fell, do you have any proof to support this statement?"

"Well, I, er, c'mon, Zexion, tell them!" She nudges the boy next to her with her elbow.

Zexion shrugs nonchalantly and says, "If I wanted Demyx, why would I be fucking Marluxia? Or perhaps more importantly, if I was fucking Marluxia, why would I want Demyx?"

"Very well. For contempt of court, I fine one Demyx Aquroya twenty pushups and an embarrassing dance routine here and now, as soon as we get cameras. Zexion Karenin, for being a two-timing slut, must not touch anyone, with the notable exception of his beloved Marluxia, or he'll have to sing the Barbie Girl song. And for yelling 'objection' when she is not a lawyer or character from a popular video game series, I fine Naminé Fell a two-minute interpretive dance on the subject of chili peppers, not the band. Case closed."

Riku Angsty-Pants is my hero. (3)

"To make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press three."

Cloud BGM: Pet-A Perfect Circle

"I saw Leon today," Aerith remarks in what I know is supposed to be a casual tone.

"Did you?" I've almost finished this level, just one more boss.

"Yeah, he looked pretty out of it."

"Nn."

"Cloud, could you please just talk to him."

"Nope."

"I really think you should."

"That's nice." A-X, A-X, fuck, Y! YYY!

"Do you want to hear something guaranteed to make you smile?" I spare a second to glance at her, she's lying on her stomach on her pink duvet with a magazine spread before her. Currently though, she's looking at me.

"Sure." A-X, yes! Vaulting successful.

"His face looks even worse than yours."

Aerith miscalculated though, the news that my face isn't the only bruised one doesn't make me smile at all.

"Oh, Cloud, for the love of Bahamut, cheer up!" A fluffy pillow collides with the side of my face, making me screw the timing on the vault, pixel-me lies prone on the ground as I mash A in an attempt to get him up and off the ground.

"Kinda hard to be cheerful when you're dead," I mutter bitterly to the controller as I hit A to keep playing.

"My parents talked to me today," she says out of the blue.

"Really? That's nice. I haven't talked to mine in a month.

"While they like you fine, they kinda... want you out. No offense meant of course."

Leon wouldn't kick me out, I refuse to say it. Partially because it's cruel and partially because her retort, in my mind, is an easy, And I would never hit you. Not much I can say to that.

"I think he misses you."

I fumble the timing on the combo.

"You should talk to him."

I sigh and chuck the controller away, immature, I know, "Mind your own damn business, Aerith. I'll be going now." I shut down the 360, after pulling the controller back over to me, and leave before she can get a word in edgewise.

"To make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press three."

Zexion BGM: Poison-Groove Coverage

It would seem that we need the help of the elusive Leon in order to get to the airport; mostly because Sora and Riku, the only other ones in possession of a ride, are out, on a date or something.

And Leon is... well, where to start?

Gorgeous for one, though he'd be a lot prettier without the black eye. It must've happened a few days ago though because he says he can see out of it just fine, it just looks like shit. Other than that though, pretty as a Greek statue. No lies.

I still like Demyx better though.

Demyx, sadly, is none too happy with me at the moment. It might have something to do with that thing where I made it sound like Marluxia and I were screwing, which seemed like an absolutely fabulous idea at the time. The silent treatment I've been getting from Demyx, makes it so not worth it, a little late though. The laughing stares from Larxene are... hilarious and infuriating. It's the holier-than-thou attitude behind them that makes the latter so apt a description.

It's not like I actually admitted to sleeping with him, I was just questioning the logic between their two contradictory beliefs.

So between the pissing-off and the depressing it's no wonder I didn't mind being nominated to be the other half of the "Fetch Marluxia" Delegation. Nam had to go because she's Cloud's cousin and it's all her fault we're here. Or that's what Leon said anyway, and it seemed to make sense when he said it, but that might just be 'cause I was staring at his mouth the entire time he was talking. Whatever.

I spend most of the obnoxiously long ride over listening to whatever over my headphones while Naminé and Leon make awkward small talk in the front seat. Which would be surprising, given Leon's aura of "I do not speak... everyone will die... winter is coming!" had I not known of Naminé's randomly occurring Could Converse with a Rock ability. It's quite a feat.

We wait around at the airport for a bit, each of us doing our own things. I keep on zoning out to "mah tunes" whilst Leon reads and Nam stares off dreamily into the distance.

Marluxia's flight was delayed due to weather, but not by much, luckily, my batteries are dying. And, in an odd way, I'm sort of happy to see him. That probably has something to do with the fact that he and I are the last surviving sane people.

I wait to greet him until after Naminé's Hug and Spin and Leon's Manly Nod. I surprise him with a willing hug. Most times, people have to chase me around the living room, or wherever, until I'm too tired to run away; which, admittedly, doesn't take too long, me not being much of an athlete and all. I guess he tried to copy my with the surprise thing, but him kissing me isn't nearly so big of a shocker. And this, kiddies, is what comes from jumping on the bandwagon, surprises that don't surprise anyone.

I tuck my arm around his waist as we follow Nam and Leon, the action throws him off guard, "Come along, Beloved."

"Beloved? Can't say anyone's ever called me that before."

"That's what the judge called you, my beloved Marluxia." I let out a refined and gentlemanly snort, 'cause yeah, I got a kick out of that.

"Judge?"

"Mm-hmm, we had a trial about whether or not I was worthy of Demyx." It's comfortable, walking by his side, I used to being the Tall Guy, but Short Guy isn't too bad, his arm fits nicely around my shoulders.

"And the findings?"

"There were none. Demyx interrupted. He did that a lot today."

A non-committal grunt, I'm losing his interest.

"Mostly to say he wasn't gay, usually when that was not the topic," I smirk.

He fluffs his hair, "Youthinks the lady doth protest too much?"

"Precisely. Oh Marly-mar, I have missed you."

"To make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press three."

(1) Yes, I typed that correctly. There is no 'with.'

(2) Sorry, someone's been playing Phoenix Wright. Sadly, it isn't me.

(3) So I was thinking up last names and running out of ideas and well... I just don't like Riku. Hence, his last name really is Angsty-Pants. Everyone else's last names are references, with the exception of Leon, Cloud, Sora, and Marluxia. Go, catch them all! Pokemon! Bottleneck!!

Divider is from Dr. Online by Zeromancer and yes, I am a little addicted, there has been fanart... anyway, moving right along!

I feel suspiciously like I wrote this quickly (strokes chin), it's an odd feeling. Not much to say this time around.

If you get the "bottleneck" comment and AREN'T Blondevil, you will get a cookie. Same if you can get all the references, or any of them for that matter, except for Karenin, that's easy.

I hope you all enjoyed it. Please be so kind as to review.