Hey sooooo yeah...We;re closing in and I hope you all enjoy this chapter it was a little hard for me to write but I hope I delivered it well and that it'll leave an impression on you. So review and let me know what you think, how you feel, and all that good stuff because i wanna know. Thanks so much for reading and for sticking with me and being patient through this story.

Oh and hey cooks thanks for coming out of hibernation and leaving those little fun facts. Better late than never...

Chapter 21: New Mexico

"And this is a picture of the first atomic bomb being dropped."

Spencer yawns obnoxiously, using the back of her hand to hide her boredom. She leans closer to Ashley and whispers.

"This is not what I was expecting."

Ashley discreetly rolls her eyes. "Did you expect E.T. to be doing the tour or a reenactment of Roswell's pilot?"

Spencer's brows furrow in offense as she watches her girlfriend follow the tour group away from the gated area. Nothing around but sand , an empty crash site, and models of bombs that were tested in the fifties as they walk around the deserts of Roswell.

The blonde chooses to ignore the brunette's attitude. She had stayed quiet from the night before after a discussion Spencer was clearly trying to avoid because of this very reason. Ashley has done everything within her power to keep from engaging in conversation with her girlfriend. She went from taking an unnecessarily long shower so by the time she had finished Spencer would have been asleep, to joining her girlfriend late to breakfast until it was time to go on a tour of the supposed alien crash site from 1947.

This had been the longest that they haven't talked since their first day. They were moving backwards and Spencer tries her best to stay calm while Ashley internally freaks out.

The brunette sighs heavily as she puts her hair up. The desert sun beats down on her skin but the heat doesn't match the furious look coming from her girlfriend. No seat to fidget in she kicks the loose dirt around as the group walks to the next on site exhibit. Ashley is over this terrible tour and Spencer is over Ashley. She stomps her foot petulantly and walks away from the group. She ignores the yells of the tour guide as he tells her that she must stay with group.

The man clears his throat as Spencer yells an expletive like the New Yorker she is and leaves her girlfriend with the group of alien fanatics. Ashley doesn't bother to follow her girlfriend choosing to make things worse mostly because she's unsure of how to make them better.

Three hours pass and Ashley finally walks into a restaurant that Spencer reluctantly tells her she is in. Spencer sits in a booth in the far back of the restaurants loosely holding a French fry in her mouth her eyes glued on fresh pages of a newly purchased book.

Ashley smiles sadly and sighs. She leaves the blonde alone and sits in a booth and watches her girlfriend from afar. She grabs her phone from her back pocket and calls the blonde. The other line rings and she watches as the blonde clicks the power button on the upper right corner of her phone ignoring the call.

She tries the call again and Spencer releases a heavy sigh and picks up her phone answering her girlfriend's call.

"What?"

"Hi." Ashley says then quickly witnesses Spencer pulling the phone from her ear getting ready to end the call. "Spence don't hang up." She pleads hopelessly.

She watches as the avid reader's brows furrow.

"How'd you know I was going to hang up?"

Spencer sits up as she looks around the small diner. She spots the brunette in a booth closer to the front of the establishment facing her. Ashley waves shyly and she shows the brunette her phone, touches the bottom of the screen where it reads 'end' and puts it down.

Ashley slides out of her booth before a waitress can come and slides her feet towards Spencer's table. She points to the empty booth.

"Can I sit here?"

Blue eyes look up into soft brown ones then quickly looks away knowing that a lingering gaze will break the wall she is trying to put up.

"It's taken." Spencer says as she turns the page of her book.

"Really? By who?"

"Winston." She answers quickly with an affirmative nod.

"Winston?"

"Mhm" She takes a bite of her astro burger. She gives the brunette a side glance and watches as she crouches down and talks to the empty space.

"Hey Winston, how's it going?" Ashley stays quiet for a moment pretending that Spencer's imaginary character is taking his time to answer. "Good. Listen do you mind giving Spencer and I a minute?"

Ashley stands up and makes a space for the person that does not exist, she pats the air mirroring the gesture of patting someone on the back.

"You're a pal Winston thanks so much."

Ashley sighs obnoxiously as she sits in the seat across from her aggravated girlfriend.

"He seems nice." She starts with a small smirk. Spencer stays quiet and quickly hits Ashley's hand as she tries to reach for a fry. The brunette pouts. "No more sharing food?"

Silence still the blonde's approach while she stares at her girlfriend with pursed lips. She doesn't say anything and Ashley shakes her head.

"Wow I thought we were going to college not back to high school." She closes her eyes missing Spencer smile of disbelief. Although she does hear the plate slide across the table and Spencer walking away.

Ashley mumbles out a curse and opens her eyes to see the empty seat she's expecting. She lifts her head once.

"Hey Winston you wanna get this? No? Alright."

Ashley waves down the waitress, throws down some cash and leaves the restaurant. She steps into the sun and slips her aviator sunglasses on and walks towards the unexpected.

The brunette walks into what she expects to be a quiet hotel room, the sniffles and attempts for a steady breath breaks her heart. She squeezes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she closes the door behind her.

A few feet feels like miles as Ashley walks into the room, Spencer quickly wipes at her eyes and takes a deep breath. The musician sits in front of her girlfriend folding her left leg as she scoots closer. Her legs are crossed at the ankles, her knees close to her chest. She rests her chin at the top of her knees and looks into her girlfriend's eyes.

Ashley turns away for a minute, fearful for two reasons. She's sure her heart will break more at the look in Spencer's eyes and for the first time she's not okay with Spencer reading her.

Spencer lets out a single breath and a faint laugh can be heard. Her voice is hoarse from all the crying. Ashley fights with her body to not react to the change in pitch. The raspy tone extremely appealing for the brunette but now isn't the time to appreciate Spencer's ability to be sexy.

"You know. I've probably read over five thousand books from the age of four. Obviously they get more advance over time so I'll knock it down to over forty five hundred."

Ashley keeps quiet knowing the blonde has a point.

"After a while you realize that no matter what you read there's a pattern, with story line, plots, and even characters. I've read my fair share of romance I'll admit but the thing I love about reading books is my ability to sense when something is going to happen before it does. Over time I got better but the only love story that took me for surprise is ours."

Ashley swallows the lemon in her throat as she tries to speak. Spencer puts up a hand to stop her. A tear rolls down the side of her face.

"I didn't think we'd ever get this far. I didn't think you'd ever see me but you do. You see me but you don't see yourself."

More tears roll down Ashley's eyes, her chest tightens as she tries to avoid hearing this conversation. She opts for Spencer's usual tactic and remains quiet

"I just need you to explain to me why you're doing this."

Ashley forces out a sound through her dry throat, the task proving to be extremely difficult as if it were the first time she were speaking. Spencer hugs her legs closer to her chest, her fingers laced together in front of her legs. She's keeps her body in a tight ball, the anticipation, anxiety, frustration and especially sadness making her close into herself. Ashley finally speaks up and both girls are surprised at its low volume.

"I got so caught up falling in love with you I didn't think about who you were falling for."

Spencer drops her forehead against her knees as she slowly rocks from side to side. Her body trembles as she fights off a new wave of tears at the thought of an action she never saw coming.

"It's not forever baby…" Ashley reaches out a hand to touch Spencer and she explodes like a well hidden landmine. She shoots up from the bed and stands up looking down at her soon to be ex girlfriend.

"Why?!" The painful cry rips Ashley's heart into more pieces. She didn't think it was possible for it to be any more broken but it doesn't compare to how broken Spencer's is.

"Baby…" Ashley chokes out as reaches for Spencer's hand which is quickly pulled back. She hangs her head low in defeat. She pushes herself up and stands before the distraught blonde. She wants to hold Spencer so badly but blue eyes keep her frozen as she reads the pain in her girlfriend's eyes.

"Was it what I said last night?"

"No it's not you it's me."

Spencer snorts at the cliché phrase and walks away from her classmate. Things were unraveling as quickly as they had formed. Its so sudden, unexpected, and unbelievable.

Blue eyes never leave brown as she is hypnotized and answers with "It's not fair to you to be in love with someone that doesn't know who they are. Spencer I don't want you to be like everyone else for me, my outlet to self discovery. I don't know who I am. I know what I like, what I don't. What I want to be but…"

"You're so selfish." Ashley's taken aback by the claim. "You're acting as if you're doing me some great service breaking my heart to save me from heartbreak."

"Spencer I don't want to break up I just want space to figure out who I am. I just need you to wait for me."

"I've waited for you Ashley. I've waited four years for you to love me…"

"I still love you. I'm so very much in love with you." Ashley quickly interjects hoping to make Spencer see that she is doing this not to hurt her but to give her someone worthy of loving. Too bad Ashley doesn't realize she has Spencer's love no matter who she is.

The blonde continues ignoring Ashley's additional commentary. "You break my heart in four seconds. "

"Spence please just…" She finally gets a hold of Spencer's hand and she habitually laces their fingers. She revels at how good it feels to be holding the blonde's hand again. She licks her lips as Spencer lifts up her girlfriend's hand and gently kisses the fingertips. Ashley slides her hand to cups the blonde's face.

"I love you Spencer so much I just want to be worthy of your love."

"You already are." Spencer pulls away from Ashley and squeezes her hand gently. "I'm gonna go."

"Spencer please don't walk away."

Her back facing Ashley's, her head hangs low. She looks over just enough to show the profile of her face.

"I'm not the one walking away."

Spencer walks towards the door but arms wrap around her tightly and she crumbles into Ashley. Her attempt to stay strong obviously betrays her as emotions flow stronger. Her body shakes as she cries hard, Ashley rests her face on the side of Spencer's as she continually whispers in her ear.

"I love you. I love you. I love you so much. Just wait for me, please wait for me." Her chest finally relaxes as she releases the tears that she was holding back. Spencer grips at Ashley arms as she tries to rip from the girl's grasp, Ashley only tightens her hold.

"Don't pull away from me. I love you and I just want to give you someone worth loving."

"I'm already in love with the person you already are!" Spencer forces out through her tears hearing the pleas and words of reassurance. Neither of them are doing anything for Spencer's brokenness.

"I not." She whispers pathetically. She rests her head on Spencer's shoulder. They sink to the floor as they struggle against each other.

Spencer sits on Ashley's lap as they lean back against the bed. She gives up the fight and once she does she only turns and holds Ashley back. She buries her face in Ashley's neck and continues to cry. The brunette can only join her as they hold each other tightly.

Ashley slides her hand up Spencer back burying her hand in blonde. She sighs in content when she feels Spencer's lips touch her neck along with her tears that flow easily.

"I love you but right now I really hate you."

"I thought you could never hate me?" She asks with a forced smile trying to lighten the mood.

"Neither did I."

They sit in silence for a minute before Ashley suggests they lay in bed together. Spencer agrees too tired ,physically and emotionally, to argue anymore. Spencer stands and crawls on the bed dropping down tiredly. Ashley follows suit and lays next to her girlfriend. They keep their distance their hands the only things touching as Ashley keeps a grip on Spencer's hand. They stare into each other's eyes, no words being spoken. Eyelids slowly close as they both fight to be the last to fall asleep.

A couple hours pass and the room is dim with only the hall light on. Ashley's hand is cold as she closes it into a fist. Her eyes still yet to open she searches for the body next to her. Her hand glides on the sheets of the mattress and she stretches further out to seek Spencer. She opens her eyes and notices the blonde is no longer there.

"Spence?"

Her voice is groggy as it adjusts to talking after crying and heavy sleep. The blonde doesn't answer and Ashley sits up on the bed and calls out again. No answer. She checks her phone to see if there are any missed calls or messages and disappointment fills her body as she only sees the time and the wallpaper of her lock screen. It is a picture she took of Spencer smelling flowers of a tree in front of the Smithsonian. It was their first week together. It felt like ages ago, she runs her thumb over the blonde's picture and she shakes her head in regret.

She unlocks the phone and quickly presses 'My Bookworm' and it goes straight to voicemail. Ashley becomes a little panicked not sure of where the blonde could have gone off to. She quickly gets up and notices a note on the nearby table. Relief floods her as she appreciates Spencer gesture to cease any possible worry.

The calming feeling doesn't last long as the brunette reads it three times over. It isn't an elaborate piece of literature. It's hurt words accompanied with spots of dry tears.

I can't be in the car with you. Taking a bus the rest of the way. I'll meet you for my stuff when you get there. I'm sorry my love isn't enough.

Ashley quickly searches the room and notices that Spencer's duffel is gone. She dashes out of the room and heads to the front desk.

"Excuse me where's the closest bus station with buses to Arizona?"

Ashley doesn't appreciate the chuckle that the front desk worker gives her when he tells her there is only one bus station about two miles from the hotel as if that were information she is just supposed to know. She glares at him for a couple of seconds and dashes for her car. She takes the short drive to the station and gets out of her car.

The station small and deserted leaves the brunette feeling hopeless. She gets to a ticket window and asks when the last bus to Arizona had departed. The chubby man behind the thin glass tells her it left a little over an hour ago. She slams her fist down on the counter causing the worker to look at her concerned.

She sits down on the plastic seat and buries her face in her hands. She screwed up. It all seemed like the right thing to do. It's not fair to Spencer but this isn't how it's supposed to go, this isn't what she wants. She doesn't want the blonde to run from her, to hide from her again.

She sits in the station looking down at the dirty tile floor. She's never felt so alone. This isn't like when she's surrounded by people that don't understand her. No Ashley feels everything that she already thought she was feeling. It doesn't compare as she feels everything inside her crumble, she wants to break down but it hurts to much to do anything. She's sure there's noise around her as she sees limited traffic pass by, the janitor cleaning out the trash bins and people filing into a station as they exit a bus that just arrived. Yet she hears nothing. She feels numb and all she wants is Spencer. She curses her logic and the uncertainty that floats through her conscience.

Everything comes back to life as she feels her phone vibrate. She quickly gets disappointed as she reads her cousin's name. She answers knowing ignoring Nicole will only egg the woman on more.

"Nicole now's…" Ashley doesn't get to finish as she pulls the phone from her ear.

"What did you do?!"

"I fucked up." She says sadly.

Nicole doesn't hesitate to disagree. "I'ma bust you upside the head. Bust it wide open!"

Ashley stays quiet. She knows Nicole has some more threats and she most certainly won't get anywhere interrupting the pregnant woman.

"When ya'll left here you were fine. Do I have to follow your ass everywhere in order for you to make things work with this girl? She barely said anything she was crying so hard, I swear Ashley I love you but pregnant or not I'm two seconds away from whooping your ass."

"I know! Okay? I know. I just…I couldn't do that to her Nicky."

"Do what Ashley please explain to me because all she told me through her sobs were you didn't want her to love someone that didn't know who they were."

"I don't."

"You don't what? I'ma need you to specify because my patience is wearing thin. Nathan won't sleep. This acid reflux is killing me, and I swear if Derek tries to sneak into bed when he knows I need my space with this huge ass belly…What was I saying?"

Ashley closes her eyes and shakes her head. Leave it to Nicole to go off on a tangent in the middle of yelling at a person. The brunette softly smiles for the first time in days.

"So?" Nicole prods and Ashley sighs in defeat.

"I don't know who I am Nicole."

"That's it?"

The New Yorker's face scrunches in offense. "What do you mean that it's?"

"I mean that's why you broke up with Spencer because you don't know who you are?"

"Is that not a good enough reason?"

"Ashley sweetie you're not going to figure that out at eighteen. There are sixty year olds that don't know who they are. You've got your whole life to figure it out. You're expecting for Spencer to wait for you your whole life?"

Ashley mumbles out a soft no. She doesn't know what she's thinking anymore. All she knew is that she didn't want to let Spencer down when she became a person Ashley wasn't aware she could be. Turns out she already managed that.

"Ash the way we figure out who we are is allowing ourselves to open to the people that matter to us. I'm a mother, a daughter, a wife, a cousin, and a friend. Without other people in our lives we just exist, how are you going to figure out who you are if you aren't anything to anyone?"

Ashley just nods in understanding. She doesn't need to be apart from Spencer. Even if Nicole didn't call Ashley would've done everything in her power to get her blonde back. The pain is too much to handle and she hasn't even fully lost her girlfriend yet.

"Ash just be happy and you'll see that you'll develop into your own person without trying."

"So what do I do?"

Sooooo...