Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling including the dialogues taken from OotP.
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT
Author Notes: Okay, first off: I wish you a Happy New Year! My Christmas was pretty boring, hope yours was better. I reached the 100.000 words and was pleasantly surprised to find so many new reviews. Thanks, that was your present to me :). I must have done something right with that last chapter, could it be that you like to see Severus suffering? ;) So, here you are, a new chapter, and quite a long one too. Remus is Remus, and Severus is slightly emotional here :).
Resevius: Wow, I'm having problems finding words, right now. I thank you for sharing, this, really. I don't know what to say, it was special and I feel honoured that you told me this. YOU gave ME something to think about. And it is such a great compliment that I was able to touch you, who knows what Remus must be feeling. It makes me happy to know that what I wrote actually makes sense and that I could transmit Remus's feelings and thoughts in a believable way, that being very important to me, just as important as having given you a good reading experience :). Oh, and thanks for saying that I do Lucius's characterisation well, I was aiming for picturing his weaker side, that he obviously has, which is why I find him so interesting. About Sirius being despicable: well, writing from Severus's PoV I sometimes start disliking Sirius or Tonks very strongly even though I like Tonks and I don't really hate Sirius, either, it is really Severus I make Sirius so dispicable for, because I think that's how he sees him. Glad you liked the chapter so much, thanks again for your wonderful review. I wish you only the best for the future and I hope that there will be very few brick walls in your way, or even better: none at all!
m101: Thank you so much, good to know that the line did what I wanted it to do :).
Kiraling: Yes, I absolutely agree and Severus does too ;). The thing with Remus is that he is still scared of losing Severus if he does put his foot down :). Though I don't know if I agree that Sirius is better for Remus. I think that he is good for him in a different way from Severus. Still, maybe Severus isn't exactly a very pleasant person, he has so much in common with Remus and they understand each other so well that Sirius can't compete, especially because he doesn't know Remus as he is now. Yet I agree that Remus should be there for him (they ARE friends after all), and that Severus is out of order. Which is why I punished him ;).
BlackDawnRose: Hello again :), I'm so sorry xD but there were quite a few happy moments, weren't there? Aaaaand: there's one here too. Enjoy it as long as it lasts ;). I wanted to thump Sirius all through book 5 btw ... no, it's not his fault, he's in a difficult situation :).
KnockerOnADoor: No matter, glad you reviewed now :D. You know, I think I'm going to get myself a cup of cocoa too now ... Maybe I will send Sev to McGonagall on a drink ;).
SAbine: Don't worry, there will be MANY more chapters ;), so many that you'll soon be sick of me. I won't make you wait longer than necessary, never fear :).
Emily-pino: Thanks so much :D! Yes, they do make it once again. I also think that those fights actually make them draw closer together. And I think I might fail my tests because of writing so much xD. I loved that chapter, which makes me even happier that you liked it.
TheName'sJes: You know, when I was planning that chapter, that was exactly why I made it so angsty: because the previous chapters had been so sweet :). I thought that a little angst would do the story some good. Remus and Severus are connected by their self-loathing ^^. I'm glad you liked the present :).
Yours and Mine
Severus had closed his fireplace and strengthened the defences on his house. He didn't want anyone to intrude on his misery. And in misery he was. Indulging in it. He hadn't left his bed in three days. Hadn't let anyone call or reacted to any letters. He didn't care that he was endangering his relationship with Lucius or that the mountain of homework that was still lying on his coffee table didn't shrink of its own accord. The Dark Lord didn't call him and there was nothing else that would make him get out of bed or the house. He still felt numb and he doubted that even a call from the Dark Lord could have given him enough determination to drag himself out of the pit he had fallen into.
He was lying on his side and hugging the blanket to his chest, too weak even to curl up into a ball. He didn't bother drying his face for it would be streaked by tears again anyway. He didn't move an inch, didn't tense a muscle, just lay there, his eyes burning and unfocused. He felt so lethargic that he couldn't find it in him to care about anything but the misery of his existence. His face felt hot again where the witnesses of his grief ran over his skin after his eyes had flowed over once more in a surge of silent agony. He couldn't even find it in himself to care that he was being pathetic. He had all right to be pathetic. He was choking on that wicked feeling that Albus valued so much.
He was still in that frozen lake but above his head the hole he had fallen in through had closed and he was left breathing in the icy cold water that was slowly suffocating him. At first he thought it was his mind playing tricks on him but after a while he realised that he was indeed hearing a voice calling him. For a blissful moment Severus thought it was Remus but when he lifted his head to look round he found Albus's Patronus-Fawkes sitting on his bed and let his head drop back onto his moist pillow.
"Go away," he mumbled and failed to sound as angry as he would have liked to be. Anger would be better than this. Albus, of course, didn't respect his wish to be alone with his agony. He called his name again and again until Severus pulled his pillow out from under his head and tossed it right through the Patronus that dissolved and rematerialised in front of Severus's face. Though it didn't have an expression, Severus heard in his voice what Albus must be looking like right now.
"Severus, this is inacceptable, nobody reaches you, while you hide in your house to sulk because of who knows what has happened," said Fawkes in a loud, strict voice that reverberated in the tiny bedroom. "I don't know you to be so unreliable and to be quite frank with you, I am disappointed. You will get up, get your act together and inform Harry of his need to study Occlumency. If you don't I will break your defensive spells and drag you out of there personally."
The Patronus vanished and Severus felt the anger flare up inside him, finally pushing the grief aside to fill him up completely. What did Albus know about his feelings? What right did he have to talk to him like that while he was dying of grief? He wiped his face with his sleeve and tossed the blanket away from him, slamming his feet to the floor so hard that he swayed a little when he heaved his weight onto his weak legs. Somehow his body had turned from lethargic to too powerful. He tore his shirt when he pulled it over his shoulders and had to mend it with his wand before he continued dressing more carefully.
Pathetic, he scolded himself. Pathetic. He stomped down the stairs and slammed the doors, causing a draught in the sitting room that blew the essays off the table. Severus glared at them but made no move to gather them up again. He would go to Grimmauld Place, tell Potter that he was doomed, hopefully avoid Remus – he flinched ridiculously as a pang shot through his body – and return here as soon as he could to crawl back into bed where he didn't have to hide his emotions and could behave in as undignified a manner as he wished. All alone.
He Apparated to the doorstep of number twelve and knocked, hoping dearly that Remus wouldn't open the door. He was lucky for once and yet disappointed when he saw Molly Weasley's face as the door was opened. She stepped aside to let him in and he asked her as levelly as he could to call Potter into the kitchen before he descended into the cellar. The only thing that could have been just as bad as meeting Remus there was meeting Black. And of course there he was, tilting his chair back like he had used to at school, and scowling up at Severus rather more skillfully than anyone would have managed.
Severus walked round the table wordlessly and sat down opposite Black, hoping that Potter would hurry the hell up. After a few minutes of deadly silence Severus cleared his throat. "Dumbledore wanted me to see Potter alone," he said quietly, trying to avoid a provocation.
"Dumbledore told me you'd come and as I am Harry's guardian you have no right to send me out," growled Black who felt, of course, provoked and pointed at the letter that was lying open on the table before him. "All you have to say to him, you also have to say to me. And I won't leave you alone with my godson so you can bully him better."
Severus glared at him and was sure that Remus had told Black that he liked to bully Potter. "If you think that you will be able to help Potter, I will of course grant you the pleasure of feeling important for a change," sneered Severus, crossing his arms and looking pointedly away from that loathed face. Black made no answer – miraculously – but just glared into the opposite direction and they waited in hateful silence until finally Potter relieved them by entering the kitchen with a stupid 'er', his face confused and anxious as he looked from Severus to Black.
"Sit down, Potter," said Severus simply and found nothing in that sentence that could have angered Black. But Black seemed angry at the world.
"You know," he said too loudly, tilting his chair back once more, "I think I'd prefer it if you didn't give orders here, Snape. It's my house, you see."
Severus felt hot fury shoot through his body into his face and he knew that he had no strength left after days of miserable self-pity, to control himself much longer. But really, who would cry over Black's body? Potter sat down beside Black and Severus decided not to retort anything. He would get this over with quickly.
"I was supposed to see you alone, Potter," sneered Severus, "but Black –"
"I'm his godfather," said Black even more loudly and his ugly voice made Severus's ears hurt.
"I'm here on Dumbledore's orders," replied Severus, lowering his voice to keep his anger at bay, "but by all means stay, Black, I know you like to feel … involved." Severus couldn't help being provocative, after all. He hated Black, hated him so much, his ways, his voice, his face, and he indulged in that hatred rather than in the love for Remus that was suffocating him cruelly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Black and his chair banged back down. Severus felt his chance to finally silence him approaching and seized it with cold pleasure.
"Merely that I am sure you must feel – ah – frustrated by the fact that you can do nothing useful for the Order." Other than me, Severus added in his mind and he would have added it aloud had he not known that Black would have started talking about the Dark Lord. Severus was in no state for such an argument. But as Black flushed and didn't retort, Severus managed a triumphant sneer before turning to Potter. And he remembered that he was not here to humiliate Black but to talk to the boy. "The Headmaster has sent me to tell you, Potter, that it is his wish for you to study Occlumency this term."
"Study what?" asked Potter stupidly and his face looked very blank indeed. Severus couldn't help feeling a malicious glee. He knew the boy couldn't help his poor education, but he was sure Granger would have known what Occlumency was.
"Occlumency, Potter. The magical defence of the mind against external penetration," explained Severus wishing he had the energy to brag a bit and humiliate godfather and son even more but not finding it in himself. "An obscure branch of magic, but a highly useful one."
Severus watched Potter as his face became worried and he could see Potter's mind racing, could almost hear it as he realised what Severus was saying and what that meant. After a moment Potter seemed to be ready to ask what Severus was sure he was afraid to hear the answer to. "Why do I have to study Occlu– thing?" he blurted out and Severus knew that no one would want the boy to know the truth. Though it might have helped motivating him to learn Occlumency.
"Because the Headmaster thinks it a good idea," said Severus and felt Black's eyes on him. "You will receive private lessons once a week, but you will not tell anybody what you are doing, least of all Dolores Umbridge. You understand?"
"Yes," said Potter and Severus felt the question coming before Potter had asked it. "Who's going to be teaching me?"
Severus raised an eyebrow and hated to say what he had to say, knew that Potter would be just as delighted by the news as he had been. "I am," he said simply and watched Potter's face fall shamelessly. Severus couldn't even blame him. He was still wondering how to get out of the matter, especially since he was averse to doing Albus a favour after his harsh words when he was bathing in misery. Potter turned to Black, obviously hoping that his godfather could help him out of that horrible situation. Severus wondered if Potter actually believed that there still was a way out. Didn't he know that Severus would have found one if there was one?
"Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry?" snapped Black violently and Severus dug his fingernails into his palms. "Why you?" Such a disrespectful mutt he was. So ungrateful. So horrid. Severus hated him. He tried to hate him even more forcefully when he felt the pain return to his chest and decided that he had to leave now for if he hated him even more to push away the pain, he would have to kill him.
Of course he knew the proper answer to Black's question but as Potter was there, and as he didn't feel obliged to tell Black anything, he avoided answering properly. "Maybe because it is a headmaster's privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks. I assure you I didn't beg for the job," he said silkily and got to his feet, he was in rather a hurry to leave for he felt his already blood-shot eyes prickling again. "I will expect you at six o'clock on Monday evening, Potter. My office. If anybody asks, you are taking remedial Potions," he said and it had come to him quite spontaneously. He thought it was perfect to humiliate Potter. "Nobody who has seen you in my classes could deny you need them."
Severus turned to finally leave this depressing kitchen and the two people he hated so much behind and thought that he might just collapse on the doorstep for his legs felt weak as he looked up the staircase he would now have to climb, all the while in danger of running into Remus, whose sight would hurt him more than anything.
"Wait a moment," said Black behind him and Severus turned reluctantly.
"I am in rather a hurry, Black. Unlike you I do not have unlimited leisure time," he said with a sneer.
"I'll get to the point then," said Black and got up, once more primitively using his height to feel superior. Severus hated him so powerfully that he imagined killing him, slicing him up and selling him as rat guts in tiny phials. He balled his fist around his wand and was ready to draw it at any time. He hoped he would get the chance. "If I hear you're using these Occlumency lessons to give Harry a hard time, you'll have me to answer to."
Oh, now that scared Severus horribly, didn't it? He could give Potter a hard time whenever he wanted and Black was the last person to whom he would have to answer for anything. The times when Severus had been the inferior one had long passed. And right now he wished to show Black who was to be scared of whom. He wanted to hex him just because Remus had decided to stay with him. "How touching," sneered Severus and cast around for something nasty to say to make Black draw his wand. "But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father."
"Yes, I have," said Black in a ridiculously proud voice, apparently still deluded about his late friend.
"Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him," said Severus, prepared for the echo. And he achieved what he had wanted. Black pushed his chair aside and as he strode towards Severus he pulled out his wand, causing Severus to whip out his own, always ready to defend himself and much too clever to attack. Black was coming very close and holding his wand up into Severus's face. He bent his head to come even closer and was only a foot away now.
"Sirius," said Potter loudly but Black and Severus ignored him. Children were to keep out of the grown-ups' conversations.
"I've warned you, Snivellus," said Black threateningly and Severus wanted to curse him for using that name that reminded him so much of the pathetic boy he had been, bullied by this despicable man before him, "I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've reformed, I know better –"
"Oh, but why don't you tell him so?" whispered Severus even angrier than before. Nothing did Black know about him, nothing at all. He had no right to talk to him like that, not when Severus was protecting Potter and risking his life for Dumbledore, not when Remus who knew him said the exact opposite. Remus whom Severus had hurt horribly, and Severus felt cold and his hatred turned against himself. "Or are you afraid he might not take very seriously the advice of a man who has been hiding inside his mother's house for six months?"
Black didn't miss the turn from argument to insulting match and caught on immediately. "Tell me, how is Lucius Malfoy these days? I expect he's delighted his lapdog's working at Hogwarts, isn't he?"
At first Severus felt furious for being called a lapdog, especially since he knew Lucius so much better than Black and had never in the last decade been less than on eye level with him. But then he realised that Black had given him a perfect nudge into the right direction. "Speaking of dogs," said Severus softly, "did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognised you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform … gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn't it?"
Black raised his wand and Severus raised his. Potter yelled and was trying to force them apart in the blink of an eye. "Are you calling me a coward?" roared Black and tried to push Potter away but the boy was stupid enough to stay where he was.
"Why, yes, I suppose I am," said Severus and it felt as if he were talking to himself. He didn't like it. He had no time to ponder, though, as Black tried to push Potter out of the way more forcefully and was now anytime going to curse Severus who gripped his wand more tightly. But the relieving fight never broke loose since the door opened and the Weasleys entered, including Granger, all beaming disgustingly.
"Cured!" said Arthur Weasley brightly. "Completely cured!" Severus begrudged everyone for their happiness. He had lost his, it had drained through the floor of Remus's bedroom and apparently seeped into the intruders who stopped dead when they noticed Black, Potter and Severus, frozen in the process of preparing for a duel. A duel that Severus would have won. "Merlin's beard," said Arthur and his face fell, "what's going on here?"
Severus let his wand sink and stepped away from Potter, whose hand was still pushing slightly against his shoulder. He hated to be touched by other people. He glanced loathingly at Potter and Black and decided that they would have to be struck down some other time when there was no one there who would hold him back or be able to testify against him in a trial. So, he put his wand away, turned on his heel and passed the Weasleys without even so much as a word of greeting. He turned back to Potter when he reached the door.
"Six o'clock, Monday evening, Potter," he said and left them all behind as he ascended the stairs, taking two steps at a time, then three. He couldn't wait to leave the house. And then when he passed the foot of the stairs to the first floor his grief hit him squarely in the chest and he tumbled against the wall, hugging himself and bending his head, his eyes screwed up. He could barely breathe. And when he heard steps coming down the stairs he couldn't move.
"Severus?" said that wonderful voice that was like honey on Severus's mutilated soul. Severus couldn't bear the sweetness of it when he knew he didn't deserve it. "Severus, are you alright?"
Severus straightened up with difficulty and looked up at him and thought his eyes should burn as punishment because he had no right to look at Remus, to appreciate his becoming features, his delicate frame, his graceful movements, his sad golden eyes. No right to want to touch him. Now. He continued down the hall without answering, because he could not speak to Remus. But the werewolf came all the way down the stairs and called his name.
"Severus, stop!" he said firmly but Severus put his hand on the doorknob. "Stop right now, Severus Snape, and don't make me run after you! I'm sick and tired of running after you!" cried Remus and startled Severus into turning around to him and staring into his beautiful eyes before averting his own in shame. "I want to talk to you," added Remus stepping closer. "But you didn't come back and your fireplace was sealed. And now we've wasted another three days that we could have spent together."
Severus was surprised that Remus talked about spending time together and feared that he had been acting like a moron. Once again. "You mean I wasted them," he muttered, staring at his feet.
Remus seemed to be struggling for a moment before he gave in to the urge to say, "Yes, that's what I mean." Severus leant against the door and felt devastated. "Severus …"
"If you want to be rid of me, I will not protest," whispered Severus and it cost him all the strength he had left. He hated the pain he caused Remus, and if he had to, he would never look at the werewolf again, just so he would stop hurting him. No, just so Severus's own pain stopped. Remus gave him a bewildered look and grabbed his hand, holding it in both of his.
"What are you talking about?" he said quietly. Severus met his eyes and his brow creased, his eyes threatening to fill with embarrassing tears. He took a deep breath and squeezed Remus's hand despite himself, much too weak to keep to his selfless plan of letting Remus go. He couldn't, wouldn't allow it. He would bear every punishment, every bit of anger Remus could muster and throw at him, though Severus couldn't imagine that there was any anger left in Remus's body. In his eyes there was only that depressing sadness. And Severus thought that he would bear that sadness as well. "Come."
Remus tugged on his hand and pulled him to the stairs. Severus followed him obediently into his bedroom and waited as Remus locked the door. Severus shivered when a gentle hand came to rest in the small of his back. Remus's touch was redeeming after three lonely days full of misery. But the misery was still present in his body. He did not know how to touch Remus, now that he knew that Remus had not just forgotten Severus's mistakes.
"I don't remember saying anything about wanting to be rid of you," said Remus from behind him and it was the best and most annoying thing he could have said. Severus didn't turn round to him as he balled his fists and replied.
"But you said –"
"I know what I said," interrupted Remus in a slightly impatient voice. "I was angry. I couldn't stop myself, I wanted you to realise what you were saying. It seems I was right in suppressing my anger, as such a small remark as this made you turn on your heel and run away to shut yourself up."
Severus felt humiliated. He felt unfairly treated. He felt like a prick. Of course, he always told Remus of his anger and Remus never withdrew from a painful conversation, and the first time Remus dared voice some of his frustration, Severus fled and kept him at a distance so he wouldn't be forced into a confrontation with everything he hated about himself, felt ashamed about, and in the worst case even the rejection that Remus had been too foolish to give in the very beginning. And yet, Severus could not agree that this was small.
"It was not just some small remark," he snarled and was angry at Remus for not understanding what that question had done to him. Remus Lupin who always understood everything. "There could have been no other phrase that would have been filled with so much subtext. And I am surprised at you for I never knew you to use your excellent feeling to hurt others."
Remus walked round Severus and his face was very stern. Severus regretted having said anything at all. "I didn't want to hurt you," he said in a surprisingly apologetic voice. "But I find it a bit unfair of you to say something like that, when you have always told me exactly what I am doing wrong and how I am annoying you in harsh tones and without care and as soon as I dare let slip a rhetorical question that implies something you did, the memory of which hurts you – and do not forget that it hurts me just as much – you accuse me of having treated you cruelly."
Severus just stared at Remus's lips, nicely curved even in anger, and wished he could just seal them and end this awful situation. He knew Remus was right. And that made it even worse. He made no answer but felt that Remus's eyes roamed his face for it and eventually found it in the creases on his forehead.
"And about the walking out on me," said Remus more mildly, "I thought we had got over that. There is no need to run from me and as you might realise, talking solves problems, running away creates them. If you demand from me to keep to our old agreements, then I am entitled to ask the same of you."
He paused again to give Severus the possibility to finally say something, but Severus had never been good at these conversations. He felt helpless and lost. What was he to say, really, when everything Remus said was right and didn't need any comment? Then there was something on Severus's mind. "You said you had forgiven … you said there was no need for further talk," he said softly, still not meeting Remus's eyes. The werewolf sighed.
"I thought I could just ignore it," he said wearily. "I thought the knowledge that you did want me back, after all, would be enough to make up for the long wait. But I was wrong. You didn't come to me, we met by force and I was the one who provoked you into restarting this relationship. And the more I thought about it, about the fact that all this time you kept me waiting even though you felt the same, the more I wondered why on earth you didn't want me back."
"I did," spat Severus, "what do you know about what I wanted?"
"Well, then tell me, Severus," cried Remus in exasperation. "You couldn't even give me an explanation why you didn't come, you couldn't even find it in you to apologise for the silence you kept all this time. I do not hold a grudge on you for what happened in the Shrieking Shack, or afterwards, for I know that I deserved it, that it was merely the punishment for my stupidity, my mistakes, but I bloody well deserve to know why you couldn't even write me a letter to tell me what you were feeling, or that I should not wait, as you obviously didn't want me to wait for you. If it was just pity that made you kiss me that night down there in the staircase then please tell me, so I can relieve you of me!"
Severus couldn't bear what he was hearing. Couldn't bear that the werewolf was actually feeling like he had felt many times in the past. And while he was considering Remus's face he knew that this was what he had been afraid of all this year, this disappointment in Remus's eyes, this sadness in his voice. And still he didn't throw Severus out like he should, still he was being the fool he was, and hurt merely with the potential loss of Severus's presence. It pained Severus more than he could possibly say. And he knew that he could escape from this situation by only uttering three words that would make Remus forget his anger, forget what Severus had done to him, just three words of truth. But what ill usage would it be, what cowardly thoughts. Even now there was no way he could utter those three words and he would not utter them for such petty reasons. There was an explanation and Remus deserved to hear it, deserved to know that it had not been pity but passion, longing, weakness that had caused the kiss. The realisation of Severus's stupidity.
"I did want you to wait," he replied more calmly than he had thought possible. "But I had no right to want that. After my irrational anger at you had ceased, it was the shame of my own actions that kept me from talking to you. I feared looking at you and seeing that forgiveness in your face and the profound sadness I have etched into it. I would rather have been slapped and yelled at, to receive some retaliation for my deeds." Severus paused and it was Remus this time who didn't reply. It was him who stared. "When the need to see you had grown stronger than the fear, it was not because I had become a better person, it was the Dark Mark growing clearer that made me long for your company, to support me, soothe me while I was scared or exhausted. And the wish to see you to relieve me of my woes disgusted me. I had no right to hope that you were still waiting, no right whatsoever to heave my burden onto your already plagued shoulders after what I had done to you, after months of cowardly silence. And I knew I could only stay so selfless while not being face to face with you. I was right, obviously, as I could not resist you when you were finally there and I was sure that your feelings hadn't changed, after all. That is the reason why I would never have tried to find you. Even now, I don't deserve you and I am positively surprised that you just don't want to understand that fact."
Remus looked at him for a long moment before speaking again. "I am surprised that I have not been able to make you understand that I decide if you deserve me or not," he said quietly. "If you give me the chance to do so, instead of being scared of the answer. I would have liked to share that burden with you. I would have been glad to support you."
"It wasn't about what you would have agreed to do," said Severus and passed a hand over his face. "A wretched man like me should never be ruthless enough to accept the comfort of a saint like you. You know it is true, one doesn't stop being a Death Eater."
Remus frowned and the gap between them was becoming absolutely unbearable. "Don't let anyone tell you that, Severus, the shame you feel is proof enough that it isn't true," he whispered and let his hand run over Severus's arm and his fingers creep into the hollow of Severus's hand. "I don't want to be angry at you," said Remus in a thick voice. "I just wish I could have had a say in this."
Severus felt the familiar incredulity that usually accompanied Remus's apologies for something he had not done, not caused, or rightfully done and caused. He closed his hand round Remus's fingers and shook his head. "You have been angry for a while now, haven't you?" he asked softly, remembering Remus's strange behaviour, and that he had ceased voicing his affection. He wondered if Remus had only spent the nights with Severus so he wouldn't disappoint him. Severus knew that he would never be able to sleep beside Remus when being angry with him.
Remus shrugged, then nodded, and frowned. "I don't want to be angry at you," he repeated. "I see you so seldom and it reminds me of waiting for you, waiting in vain. You left me alone like everyone else, and some things you said made the anger inside me grow stronger and stronger. It was not I who had a decision to make, not I who gave up on us. I cannot pretend that nothing has happened. But I don't want to waste my time with anger."
Severus looked at Remus's agonised face. He had been too ashamed to tell Remus. He had wanted to seem stronger than he was. Prouder than he was, while pride had been the last thing he could have found in his body. But he and Remus had both turned even bitterer because he had been a coward. No, there was no pretending that the year of silence had not happened, it had changed everything, it had changed what was so precious to Severus. But as it had been lying in shards on the floor anyway, it didn't have to be for worse, cracks would remain, but now Severus was sure, there were even more terrible things than cracks in your favourite cup. There was the utter absence of the cup. He felt like a fool for the time he had wasted. Felt that his selfish nobility had been too Gryffindor even for Remus.
Remus shook his head, his eyes gleaming. "It was horrible to think that you hated me, Severus. If only I had known that you missed me like I missed you, that it wasn't my fault that you left my life with such excruciating finality. If I had only known that you didn't hate me, after all."
"I assure you," whispered Severus, "the pain you felt was mine as well."
Remus nodded but made no reply. He looked beyond words, beyond anything but emotion. Severus felt the werewolf's fingers trembling in his hand and knew that Remus was fighting the urge to embrace him, Severus, the only person he could really embrace, the person without whom, Severus realised, he must have felt lost and lonely, as Black had not had sense enough to care for his so-called friend. Severus knew that loneliness, that swimming in an ocean without land in sight, and he knew that to Remus it must have been pure suffering to be left alone after a year full of love, friendship and everything else he had ever wanted. Severus had been thinking only of his own feelings, as usual. Had even hoped for Remus to be alone, hoped that he wouldn't find anyone else.
"I do not pretend that my behaviour is forgivable," said Severus in a controlled voice, wondering where he took the strength from, "but if it means anything to you, I ask your forgiveness. And I can only hope for my sake, not yours, that you can grant it."
Remus smiled very slightly and Severus loved him all the more for it. Knew exactly why he loved him. "That is all I wanted, Severus," said Remus so kindly, so warmly that Severus felt immediately disgusted with himself. He knew that revenge was in his nature not in Remus's. "I didn't want to make you feel guilty."
Severus averted his eyes and knew that the guilt could not just fall away from him. Even now he just wanted Remus to slap him, to do something that would hurt Severus physically not emotionally like the forgiving look he wore. Maybe Remus knew that it pained Severus more to be forgiven, than to be slapped. But then again, Remus just wouldn't slap anyone. He had too mild a nature. It was just that Severus thought he couldn't take much more guilt and regret or it would overflow and leave him helpless on the ground. The weight was getting heavier and heavier, and he was glad nonetheless that he had Remus back to lean on him.
"You do not send me away, then?" asked Severus, just to be sure. "I may have you, may I?"
Remus gave him a tender look and stepped closer to finally give him the embrace he wanted. It must have been written on his face, visible like all the other things Remus always read in him. What use was Occlumency if a werewolf could just look through you like that? Could hear every unuttered word and every unapplied voice.
"Love is not logical, Severus, it is there or it isn't," said Remus, shifting his head to rest his temple on Severus's shoulder. "And mine is there, no matter if you feel worthy of it. No matter what you've done or haven't done. I don't want to feel angry."
Severus pressed Remus against him more tightly than he had intended, making him gasp. Had he not got up to talk to Potter he would probably have lost another few weeks to silence. Or Remus would have found him and dragged him out of his hole to safe them once more. Shame was Severus's new best friend. "It is normal to feel angry," said Severus quietly. "I feel it all the time. Relieve it before it eats you up."
"I'll always accept advice from experts," said Remus with a little chuckle that relieved Severus immensely. "I cannot lose you, Severus. Don't force me to." He sighed and Severus felt more relieved than he ever had. Just a few hours ago he had been lying in his bed, suffering from the fear that Remus had finally put an end to their relationship. He tightened his arms some more and Remus gasped again but didn't complain. In fact he repeated his sigh rather nicely. "I feel relieved now that I've got that off my mind."
"So do I," agreed Severus and rested his head against Remus's, breathing in his soothing scent. "Usually it is me who doesn't talk about what is troubling me." Remus looked at him with clear eyes and an apologetic smile.
"It is an old habit to conceal my anger at those who mean something to me, for fear I could lose them again, especially as I felt our bond to be rather brittle" he said and kissed Severus with tender deliberation.
"Brittle," huffed Severus who had himself had the feeling that a guillotine had been hovering over their bond. It had proved to be rather dull, though. "Exchange it for chains then."
"Good idea," smiled Remus and Severus let go of him when he pulled back and tugged on Severus's hand once again to lead him to the bed where he turned round to him again with a stern face. "Just promise me that you will stop wasting time. It could be over any day now. I don't want the last thing I feel to be regret."
Severus nodded and let Remus push his traveling cloak off his shoulders and him onto the bed where he joined him and laid his head on Severus's chest. Severus cleared his throat and took Remus to his word, pushing aside his annoying self-loathing. "I want to hear it," he muttered. "I want you to say it." And as soon as he had uttered those words he realised that the same could be demanded of him. And that Remus had once even tried to make him say it. And that he would most probably never do it again even though he should. Remus chuckled becomingly, understandingly.
"I've never seen you in such a state, it must be meaningful," he said quietly and Severus knew that Remus had interpreted his blood-shot eyes correctly. It made him feel self-conscious and embarrassed. Pathetic, he scolded himself once again. "I love you."
"Good," whispered Severus, threading his fingers through Remus's soft hair, feeling some strength returning to his exhausted body. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
"I don't want to be separated from you for weeks on end again," said Remus, his hand moving in circles over Severus's chest. "I hate to think that Umbridge keeps me away from you. It makes me wish that tomorrow never comes."
Severus made no answer. To him, too, the long time without Remus was pure torture. He knew that he would probably die of loneliness like a parrot without a partner. But then again he had survived it before. He let his fingers caress the back of Remus's neck and closed his eyes. He would risk exposure in the Dark Lord's circle as the traitor he was, would neglect all his duties all his responsibilities if it meant he could ensure that Remus would lie with him like this every day. Because this once he had what he wanted, whom he wanted, and he was wanted in return. He had two obsessions, two people, but just one who returned his feelings, and that one he would hold on to, come what may, once in his life he had to be lucky too. There could not only be misery in his existence, only regret and loss. He felt the front of his robes moistening as Remus's tears drenched them slowly.
"Stop crying," said Severus softly. "I hate to think that I make you cry. It hurts my pride."
"I cannot help it," said Remus and propped himself up on his elbows and kissed Severus, hot drops falling from his eyes onto Severus's cold skin and feeling so pleasant that Severus couldn't believe they were tears, for his own had always hurt and left his skin sore. Severus cupped his wet face and brought their lips together again. Remus pulled on the front of Severus's robes and rolled onto his back, causing Severus to follow the movement and bring his weight down on Remus who sighed again, apparently relieved to feel him so close. And Severus didn't find it in him to feel shabby anymore when he saw the joy he had brought to Remus's eyes. When he was with Remus like this, he liked himself. Right now, because Remus loved him, he liked himself. While the inhabitants of the Black house were unaware of his very presence, Severus indulged in his werewolf's touches, his tender hands freeing him from his annoying robes, his nose brushing Severus's affectionately while his eyes shimmered in the light of the afternoon sun. And he loved Remus dearly, as their skin touched and their hearts beat against each other and their lips met in breathless kisses.