She woke to the sounds of rain smattering against the window of her bedroom. The gentle tip-tap was comforting – a little. But she still wanted to crawl in a hole until the next day.
Her room was drafty and cold so she pulled her thicker, winter quilt up around her neck, curled it into herself and watched the grey sky over the city. Kate had let herself sleep in, as she always did today, but she knew she had to leave soon, her mother was expecting her and if she didn't show up by eleven – god, it was already ten twenty – there would be phone calls.
And she didn't think she had the voice to answer.
With a heavy sigh she rolled herself out of bed, her toes curling against the cold floor as she moved into the kitchen to ready coffee to take with her. While the liquid dripped into the pot she tugged on a pair of jeans and a worn, comfortable grey sweater. Over that she tugged on the dull blue University of Buffalo sweatshirt her father had bought her as a joke when she was contemplating colleges. By the time she had slipped her feet into boots and pulled her hair into low ponytail the coffee was done, and she quickly poured it, black, into the travel cup Castle had brought her for work, grabbed a black pea coat and headed out into the New York, November air.
Her mother pulled the door open almost before she could even knock and instantly wrapped her arms around her.
"Hi, Mom."
Kate sunk into the embrace, swallowing back the torrent of tears that the moment always brought out and let her mother practically rock her back and forth in the doorway.
"Come on," Johanna whispered, "I made breakfast."
"You know you didn't have to do that, Mom." She nagged while yanking off her boots and coat, content to pad around her mother's place in the sweatshirt and her fuzzy socks.
"And you know that I like to. Pancakes and bacon, I can do eggs if you want. I'd tell you that there's juice in the fridge but I see you already have coffee."
They were each ignoring each other's red-rimmed eyes, the somber expressions on their faces as they moved around each other in the kitchen.
"Drank most of it on the way here. Juice sounds perfect."
Kate grabbed the orange juice from the fridge and poured two glasses full while her mother plated the food and set the places at the table. She sat, bringing her legs up, folded underneath herself like she did as a kid, and waited for her mother to join her before taking a bite.
"Did you get over here alright? The weather looks a bit dreary."
"It is," she said between stabbing the pancakes with her fork, "but it's pretty quiet out so it wasn't a problem."
"Good," she nodded. "Did you tell Rick where you would be today?"
"Not in so many words. He knows what day it is so when I told him I'd have my phone off he didn't seem to mind. It sounded like he was anticipating it, asking if I needed anything or if I had plans for dinner."
"You know you could've told him he could join us later."
Kate shook her head 'no.' That wasn't happening. It was enough that she had to struggle through telling him he wouldn't hear from her at all during the day, he certainly didn't need to see her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Mom. I'm sure. This is our thing and…I don't want to change it. At least not yet."
Instead of probing for a deeper meaning behind her answer Johanna settled for finishing the meal with her daughter in companionable silence. They shared light small talk as they washed up – Kate asking her mother how her latest case was going, Johanna inquiring about Lanie and the boys, Alexis – not moving to the living room until each dish was appropriately washed or packed with leftovers.
"Did you decide what year you want to start with?" Kate asked the question as she followed her mother into the living room, ready to curl up on the couch for the day.
"I was thinking it's been a while since we watched the early years. Do you have a preference?"
"Your wedding? Then you can pick."
Her mother smiled, small but enough, "Sounds perfect." Johanna popped the tape in the VCR, plucked the remote up from the top of the TV cabinet and settled back on the couch beside her daughter.
The video started during pictures before the ceremony. "Who's recording again?" Kate questioned, trying to take her own role call of everyone in the shot and thinking of who was left to hold the camera.
"I think my cousin Beth. Her fiancé was the photographer so she ended up with the video camera by chance."
"Mmm," nodded. She loved watching the candid portions of her parents' wedding. On the screen her grandmother was busy fussing over her mom's dress, sternly instructing the bridesmaids on how to arrange her train while she adjusted the veil. She giggled, "Grandma must've been running around like a mad woman all day."
"Oh she was," Johanna laughed back. "Every little thing had to be absolutely perfect and if it wasn't the way she wanted it someone was going to hear about it."
The camera shifted over to where the groomsmen were hanging out, all of them thinking they were cool in their suits with their hands clasped loosely in front of them. Then there was her dad, standing at the edge of the crowd watching Johanna as she withstood her mother's tutting around.
"Your grandmother hated that I wanted to take pictures before the ceremony. You know how superstitious she was – always thought it was bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding."
"I think it suits you. You guys never did anything they way people wanted you to."
"Neither do you," her mother whispered.
She was too busy watching her father's face to answer the comment. He looked so…happy. Yet…slightly ridiculous. "I still can't believe you let him keep the mustache."
Johanna huffed. "Well it was the style back then. Just be happy he got rid of it by the time you turned ten."
They laughed, joking and reminiscing about the day he came home without the facial hair, teasing them for knowing something was different but not noticing it right away. The two watched the whole video, only fast forwarding through the part that always made Johanna cry – the vows – and spend a good chunk of the hour remarking over the 70's fashion, and questioning what certain old friends were up to now.
Johanna chose Kate's least favorite tape next – her birth. It was awkard, she thought, and it would always be awkward to watch yourself being born. She groaned when she saw which tape it was, as the camera focused on a very pregnant Johanna Beckett just days before Kate was born.
"Don't even, Katie. You said I pick next, so I picked. This is one of my favorites."
The younger Beckett woman huffed before plopping back down into the cushion, whining when her mother pulled her into her side as they leaned into the arm of the couch.
"Jim, why are we doing this?" Johanna whined on the screen. She was seated in the rocking chair in what was little Katie's nursery.
"Because, we are just days away from actually being parents and I want the baby to see how excited we were."
"She's not going to see this tape for years. If at all, if I decide to break the damn camera."
Kate laughed into her mother's shoulder. "I'm sorry you were so miserable."
Johanna reached an arm around her daughter and hugged her. "Not really your fault. You were just so content, you didn't want to come out for anything."
"A week and a half late." Kate sang.
The tape jumped from her dad's narrated tour of their old apartment to a shot of Johanna in the hospital, all ready to go.
"Excited, Jo?"
"Scared as hell."
Pause.
"But excited right?" She couldn't see her dad – he was too busy holding the camera – but Kate loved being able to imagine the grin that had to have been on his face in those hours before they became them.
"So excited." Her mother already sounded so tired in the video, but she was beaming as she pulled her dad's hand up to kiss it. Kate smiled into the warmth of her mom's arm, trying so, so hard not to cry.
Thankfully, her mother spared her the footage of her actual birth and the next thing she saw on the screen broke her.
She'd seen it before, dozens of times, but she couldn't hold back the tears when the awkward, crooked angle came into focus – her mother holding the camera this time, from her hospital bed, pointing it at her dad. He was perched on one of the cushioned chairs in the hospital room, Katie in his arms all swaddled in pink, looking at her like someone had just turned on the sun.
"Smile for me, Jim."
"Can't." He answered. "I can't stop looking at her, Jo."
Her mom giggled from behind the lens.
"Then bring her over here. Time for her first close up."
The camera shook and rocked as she scooted back in the bed, her dad carefully walking towards her.
"Come on, Katie, you want to see Momma? She's having a lot of fun with the video camera, isn't she?"
"Because you weren't three days ago? Following me around the house?"
"Shh. Don't make me look bad in front of her."
The camera tilted down, zoomed in on her sleeping face.
"You guys did have a lot of fun with that video camera. Long as I can remember." Her voice was thick with tears. She swiped at her eyes while her mother did the same.
"One of your dad's favorite things was recording everything you did. I used to hate it. But now-"
"I love being able to watch them now. Even though they're embarrassing."
"Oh, but you were so cute."
Kate managed a smile, watching the frozen image on the screen of herself in her dad's arms for one of the very first times.
"Mom?"
"Hmm?"
"How did you know…how did you know you wanted to marry Dad?"
"Well, one day I woke up in my apartment, and I got myself to work but…it didn't feel like the day had started until he met me in the break room, kissed me good morning and handed me a cup of coffee. I just knew. My days were always better with your dad. And then with you."
Kate thought while her mother ran her hand gently up and down her arm. Her parents were the closet couple she had ever seen in her life. They always did everything together when she was younger, and even if they fought it would only last a day.
"Why, sweetheart?"
"Just…been thinking about things lately. Will showed up on one of my cases a few weeks ago. Well," she paused, "that's not entirely true, he had me put on his."
"And, you're questioning things with him?"
"With Will? No. We're….long-over, and that's fine. But then we had this undercover thing, and Castle refused to let me do it myself. Insisted even, that we went in as a couple."
"And? Sounds pretty bold to me."
Her voice fell to a whisper, "It was. I don't know," she sat up, pulled her sweatshirt back in to place and tightened her ponytail, "It's all just been on my mind." She let out a heavy breath and ran her hands over her face, leaned into the other end of the couch so that she was facing her mom, knees pulled into her chest. "I think we're actually going somewhere."
Johanna mirrored her position, "Is that something you want? Because if you want my opinion on this, Rick's really good for you."
Kate blinked, very unsure of what to make of the statement, and stared at Johanna.
"Katie, you have had bad relationships, and you've had good ones. Then you had Will, and things were great, but the two of you were so alike it was hard to be around."
Her mouth dropped open, "You're telling me this now!?"
"Whoops?" Kate rolled her eyes. "My point is, you and Rick are not the same person, and that's a good thing. You're lighter than I've seen you in a long time."
Kate didn't say a word, instead thinking about how much more fun work has been with Castle, and how many ridiculous things he got her to eat and do after work. Alexis was always begging her to discuss some novel or another, or to join them for movie nights. The Castles were…fun.
"You're smiling." Her mother teased.
Kate shook her head trying to hide behind her hand. "Yeah, I just…things are good with Castle."
"I'm glad."
They shared the smile for a moment, thankful for the company, and the good talk on what was their least favorite day of the year.
"So, what year next?" Her mother asked her, standing to change the tape in the VCR.
"Surprise me," Kate called from the couch, settling back into her mother's side when she sat.
They watched as the screen popped with color again, this time Kate looked to be about six – her first bike, riding in Central Park with her dad.
"I miss him," she whispered.
Johanna leaned down, pressed a kiss to her daugher's head as she squeezed her shoulder. "Me too. He'd be so proud of you, Katie."
When Kate crawled back into her own bed that night she turned her phone on for the first time all day. In her dark bedroom the screen cast a bright, pale blue glow as it slowly came back to life, refreshing itself with her new emails and missed texts.
A slew of them from Castle:
Let me know if you need anything today.
Just letting you know that the precinct is no fun without you.
Ryan and Espo don't appreciate my barista skills.
The last one was a photo of what was becoming 'her' side of the bed at his place – he must've held the phone above himself to take it because she could see the edge of his head in the shot.
Miss you. I'll bring the coffee in the AM….as if you expected otherwise.
The notes brought a slim smile to her face as she texted back.
Thank you, Castle.
She turned the device on vibrate and dropped it to the nightstand. She took one last look at the photo on her nightstand – her seven year-old self in the hammock of her parents' arms, grinning (sans one front tooth), as they held her up in the backyard of their cabin, fireflies dancing in the landscape behind them – rolled over, and dropped off to sleep.
Guess what, peeps!? Story is 99.999% FINISHED. Meaning, I just have to read through everything before I post it. Will post every other day for you lovely readers. Thanks for sticking with this!