Remember when Artemis Fowl 6 and Breaking Dawn came out and I was whinging about how Australia doesn't get books as fast? Or the UK? Or Turkey? Did you think about Turkey, JAMES PATTERSON, when you put out MAX?
Thanks to Wikipedia, I've saved 25 bucks on buying the new novel because it's out. It really snuck up on me this time.
America? You lucky bastards.
Or I could just be really stupid – it might be out in Australia, but the nearest bookshop is nearly an hours drive away so I haven't been able to get to the shops.
Also, my sisters birthday party got gatecrashed on Friday night. Whee.
ANYWAY. Sorry, had to get that off my chest. In some good news, I get to go to SUPANOVA NEXT SATURDAY!!! I'll be in a really bad Misa Misa outfit (my parents didn't want me getting a wig or red contacts) and hanging around with a slightly emo looking guy and his friend.
And it wouldn't be a Slayers chapter without it being slightly late, would it? Though it is written in a slightly different way…ok, not really.
Mucho gracias to MyPenIsSharperThanYourSword, who had a look at this for me! You is rocking!
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my DS, a broken iPod, an aging phone, clothes, books…actually, I own a lot of stuff. But not Maximum Ride.
The Sue Slayers: Attack of the Clichés
Chapter 21
On Epilogues…
"I'm being discharged this afternoon!" I crowed, as Elliot re-entered the room. "An X Ray and then we can go bash the shit out of some Sues. Or go shopping."
"Shopping." Elliot gave me a sheepish grin. "Amelia says you ain't going into any Verses for a whole month. Thirty days, starting yesterday."
"Why didn't you or Matt tell me?"
"Didn't come up."
I sighed. "Oh well. I do need some toe socks."
"You have such great fashion sense."
I grinned. "How is the Flock? And the Pattersoninator?"
"The Flock are a little ahead of time in the Verse – they were meant to go into the book 5 story line next week, but you made them move."
"Writers block ahoy!"
"Uh-huh." Elliot cracked her neck. "And the Pattersonintor wants to meet you."
Something in German popped out of my mouth. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I had a feeling it could be translated as D'Arvit.
"When?"
"Mr. Patterson, you can come in now!" Elliot called sweetly.
My eye twitched as one of today's most prolific authors stepped into my hospital room, followed by an idiot. I mean Matt.
"Hi, Matt. Hello, er…Mr. Patterson."
He (the publisher ho) gave me a grin.
"Nice to meet the girl who saved my characters. Who knows what those fanfickers would have done."
I think he'd kind of missed the point. Matt and Elliot both rolled their eyes as he sat down.
"I think you've kind of missed the point." said Elliot. "Um, it wasn't just the fans."
"It was you. You and your book whoring. Thrusting out the sequels like it was your last go."
"Enough innuendo."
I'd only just gotten started.
"Clare." Matt said warningly, and then continued, looking at Patterson. "You heard what we said in your office – you need to slow down."
"But the world of literature needs me!"
"I don't think we can call Maximum Ride literature." I said quietly, anger making me twitch. "I just read your books. And I think they suck. Like, other people, Molly and Hannah and Darcy and Nic and Elliot think they're awesome. But dude, you have plot holes up the-"
"You write fanfiction and you have the audacity to tell me my series sucks."
"Oh, Gods." I heard Elliot whisper.
I raised an eyebrow, Artemis Fowl style.
"Did you just say fan fiction sucks?"
"No, I said you are a fanfic writer, and not a published author and you think yourself good enough to say my million dollar series sucks."
"You're saying I don't have enough knowledge or experience to judge your series." I sat up a little straighter, pulling my legs under me.
"Frankly," said Patterson. "Yes."
I saw Matt shift in his seat.
"I put myself and a young boy in mortal danger to save your series."
"I thank you for that but you-"
"I risk my life to save your shitty characters and you say THAT? HOW DARE-"
"CLARE, NO!"
"Ich kastriere Sie und esse Ihre Ohren (1)!" I yelled, leaping at him.
Someone else dove on me and shoved me to the floor. I yelled as my IV was pulled out at a very odd angle and kicked out at Matt – for it was he who had done the diving – before giving up. When someone ten kilos heavier and thirty centimetres taller is lying on you, it gets a little hard.
"I'm going to get up and you're going to go back to bed." he whispered.
I obeyed, grabbing my IV needle along the way. I grabbed an antiseptic pad and cleaned it, before jabbing it back into my arm. Patterson winced and Elliot giggled. She'd taught me how to do that.
"I'm going to go talk to them about medication." she said. "Good luck!"
She exited, pursued by a bear. Wait, what?
"Clare's sorry." said Matt, sitting next to me. "She's got issues. Serious ones."
I don't know what was the weirder – the fact I'd just tried to punch/mutilate one of the most prolific authors of the last few decades, or that Matt was still holding my arms down. I wasn't that much of a psycho.
"You have no idea what so many people have given up for you and for…for Smeyer Masashi Kishimoto, and J.K. Rowling and Eoin Colfer! Like Hannah!"
"Who's Es-maya? And Hannah?"
Matt shoved his hand over my mouth.
"I know you're angry about Hannah." he whispered. "I don't think anyone wanted her punishment to be so-"
I bit his finger.
"You met her twice and one of those times, you shot her."
He grinned.
"You have lot of anger bottled up."
"Thank you, Dr. Phil."
"Who's Hannah?"
"Like we're gonna tell you, sir." I said. "I don't care if you were on the Simpsons, that doesn't mean we're going to expose more of what we do."
"Basically, Hannah was her friend who disobeyed the laws of the Slayers and is now-"
"Thanks, Matt." I snapped. "Look, Mr. Patterson. I'm sorry but until you can accept that you need to improve upon your writing, I am not protecting your Verse. Not for Stan Lee, not for Hugh Jackman. Not even if Edward Cullen, God Of All Things Hot asked me. Well, maybe."
"Does that mean the rest of the Slayers won't protect Max?"
"She can withhold assistance from Australian Slayers, she's their boss." Matt said. "But you're good with Americas. I think."
Patterson sighed. "I have to get back to your Head Quarters. I hope you feel better Clare. Nice properly meeting you, Matt."
He left the room, looking rather confused.
"You're BOYCOTTING the MAXIMUM RIDE fandom?" Matt asked incredulously.
"Let go of my hands."
"Sorry. You're BOYCOTTING the MAXIMUM RIDE fandom?" he asked again.
I nodded. "He's an ass. And besides, the fandom'll be fine for a few months. By then, Darcy might be able to hit something without going into Heroic BSOD."
"Oh. Right…what are you going to do in your month off?"
"Paperwork." I said. "And I have this mothereffing big case file I have to put together. And I have to catch up on my required reading. And gaming. And musicals, with that new section up."
"Yeah, me too. What is Jesus Christ Superstar about, anyway?"
"Tell me what's-a happening!" Elliot slid into the room, fanning herself with a sheaf of pamphlets. "I got you some anger management stuff. And something on Bipolar disord-"
"I don't need any of that crap." I growled. "Anyway! Any loose ends I haven't tied up?"
"There aren't any you can tie here." said Elliot.
"There is the matter of the shi-"
"Later, Matt." I said, through clenched teeth. "Later. I think it's time."
"Time to do what?" my friends chorused. They'd been rehearsing it for weeks.
"To end it all."
"How?"
"CHERUB Style."
ZEESIEEZZEELASTFUNNYPAGEBREAK!NONO,DONTCRY! ZEESIEEZZEELASTFUNNYPAGEBREAK!NONO,DONTCRY!
CLARE MARTIN returned to full physical health. Mental…well, too much damage has been done. CLARE is in the process of putting ALEXANDER DARCY through horrible, gruelling, violent training. I told you about the mental damage. ALEXANDER DARCY gained his level two Slayers ribbon under CLARE and is currently in a lot of pain. Again, mental damage.
ELLIOT REED's workload has increased dramatically as CLARE is giving her all of her missions that she was meant to have. Not that ELLIOT is complaining – she's gone up two levels in a fortnight.
MATTHEW CARNEY went back to America. Because he's an American. He continued to keep in close contact with CLARE, ELLIOT and ALEX. He is in the process of setting up an English branch of the Sue Snipers.
GRACE RODGERS left the Sue Slayers in AMELIA'S sort-of capable hands. GRACE began a course on Literature at Monash University and is living with her girlfriend in Melbourne. Rent is incredibly expensive, but having six other people living in the house helps.
AMELIA HIYASHI took over for GRACE RODGERS as Commander of the Australian Sue Slayers. She is yet to select a new apprentice and is not sure if she will pick another one. She is currently staking out Fangirls in the Spirited Away fandom.
(1) Literal translation – I castrate you and eat your ears!
To quote Blimpage, IT'S OVER! There are some nice little references in this, and if you tell me what they are (and be first to do it, mind you) you get one of two things:
1) A oneshot written about the Slayers in the fandom of your choice. But it has to be one I know. Obviously.
or….
2) A character in the sequel who is YOU! Like in the first series with the majority of the backgrounds.
Until the sequel. Oh God, the sequel…
Now. This is the last chapter. You know what to do.
Yeah…
So…
Till next time, I guess.
-Nicola.
Word count: 1705