CHAPTER 21
Despite Well's best attempts to avoid divots and mounds, riding was considerably painful. It had been only two hours since the group had left Arkadia and Clarke was already exhausted from the pain. She rode next to Monty and Octavia in the middle of the group. Lexa rode up front with several of her best warriors, clearing the path of any dangers that arose.
Monty and Octavia had spent the duration of the ride discussing what it was like to live in Polis. Clarke tried to join into the conversation where she could but found her brain distracted from exhaustion and pain.
"Clarke why don't you just get some sleep?" Octavia finally said having posed the same question to Clarke three times and still receiving no response.
"Huh?" Clarke said wearily looking at her friend.
"Here." Octavia leaned over and took Clarke's reins from her hands. She tied them to her own so that each move she made Wells followed exactly. "Get some sleep Clarke. You can barely keep your eyes open as it is."
Monty nodded his agreement and Clarke could do nothing but nod. She reached into her bag and extracted the small yellow pills her mother had given her incase she had trouble sleeping on her back. She hadn't expected to have to use them but now muttered a brief thanks to Abby's insensate need to mother her through her stubbornness.
The pills tasted foul but Clarke managed to choke them down. The minute they hit her stomach Clarke felt drowsy and within a few minutes was fast asleep in her saddle.
XXXXX
Her face was wet. A strange sensation. She felt the slight put put as cold droplets of rain fell on her face and shoulders. Clarke opened her eyes and saw that in the time she had slept the sun had completely disappeared and had been replaced with ominous dark clouds. Clouds that were now spilling heavy droplets of rain.
"Hey, welcome back to the land of the living." Octavia said untying Well's reins and handing them back to her.
"Thanks." Clarke said taking the reins gratefully and stretching her neck. That had certainly been the longest she'd ever slept on horseback. Her body felt stiff but she couldn't tell if that was from the panther attack or the way her neck had been held in her sleep. "How far away we?"
"Only another hour." Octavia said pulling her hood over her head as the rain grew heavier.
"Good."
Clarke was so entirely gratefully for Lexa's forethought of sending several warriors ahead to construct the camp. By the time they arrived at the halfway mark the rain was falling so heavily that it was difficult to see further than 10ft ahead. Despite her several layers of clothing and animal hide Clarke was completely soaked through to her skin and was beginning to shiver when the camp came into view. It was far too wet for there to be any large fires but over a dozen tents had been erected and judging by the warm glow being emitted from under their flaps each tent was housing several candles or small fires. A welcoming sight. The girl couldn't imagine had the party arrived here now needing to completely build the camp in this weather. As they filed into the camp and dismounted several men and women rushed to lead the horses under a large tarp. Gideon was directing the new arrivals to their tents, waving animatedly and speaking loudly, trying to make himself heard over the pounding rain. As Clarke, Monty, and Octvia approached him for instructions he looked down at them. "Skikru are in that tent." He bellowed pointing to a medium sized tent just to his left." They nodded and began to make their way to it.
"Ambassador." Gideon called and Clarke stopped, allowing her friends to enter the warm dry tent. "There was a miscount and we are short a bedroll for the Skikru visitors."
"Oh." Clarke said, not looking forward to having to sleep on the hard ground. Maybe Octavia would volunteer.
"But, I'm sure." Gideon continued. "That Heda would allow you as Ambassador to sleep in her personal tent." Clarke could swear that Gideon finished his sentence with a wink.
"Thank you Gideon." Clarke said nodding and trudging off to the center of the camp where she could see Lexa's large tent looming. As she approached the tent she could see the Commander standing in the flap of the tent, the light being emitted from the tent giving her a striking silhouette through the rain.
"Hi." Clarke said as Lexa stood aside, letting her pass.
Clarke immediately crossed to the small fire burning in the room and dropped her soaking bag to the ground. "It's freezing." She chattered, pulling her dripping coat off. "Gideon said they miscounted how many of my people were coming and told me to come here." She pulled off her shirts so that she was standing only in her damp bra. She caught sight of her back in the cracked mirror leaning against a wall of the tent. The bruising wasn't worse than it had been that morning but was no better. Clarke dug frantically in her bag and extracted a (she sighed in relief) dry pair of pants and shirt. She pulled on the fresh clothing and breathed, revealing in the warm already filtering back into her body. She looked back in the mirror and furrowed her brow. In the corner of the mirror she could see the Commander. Lexa hadn't moved from her post at the front of the tent. She wasn't even looking at Clarke.
"Lexa?" Clarke asked bundling the wet clothing and spreading it out around the fire to dry. "Is everything okay?"
The younger girl approached the Commander and looked outside the tent. She could only just make out several dark forms lumbering about in the rain but nothing urgent seemed to be happened. Nothing that required the Commander's attention.
"Lexa?" Clarke asked again placing a hand on the older girl's shoulder. "Hey!" She exclaimed suddenly, feeling how cold the girl was. It was only then that Clarke noticed the Commander was still dressed in her riding armor, which was completely soaked through. The girl was cold as ice to the touch and pale. "What are you doing?" Clarke asked noticing the small pool of water that had formed where Lexa was standing. The Commander didn't answer, and instead continued to stare out into the night. "Lexa…" Clarke said softly, knowing something was very wrong. "What is it?"
The older girl didn't respond. She hadn't said a word since Clarke had entered.
"Here." Clarke said hesitantly pulling the Commander's jacket over her shoulders and letting it drop to the ground with a heavy thud. Lexa didn't respond so Clarke continued and pulled the girls outer shirt so she only wore her damp tank top like shirt. "Lexa." Clarke said placing a hand on the girl's bare shoulder. The touch acted like a shot of electricity to the Commander who jolted and turned to look at Clarke. The younger girl, surprised took a step back and released her grip.
"What is it?" Clarke said eyes wide as she stared at Lexa. The Commander's eyes were dark and sad, but hard.
"I hate this weather." Lexa spoke so quietly Clarke had to take a step closer so as to distinguish the words she spoke.
"The weather?" Clarke asked, not comprehending how mere weather could make Lexa recede this deeply into herself.
"It's cold and dark." Lexa said looking back out of the tent. "You cannot see. You're enemies could be at your very throat and you would not know. It's like you are blind, blind and deaf. You are vulnerable, weak. Dependant on your enemies to be merciful. To not strike at the time you cannot defend yourself. But they are your enemies."
"Lexa…" Clarke began to move closer to the Commander. The girl must be exhausted or too stressed out from the journey. She needed to relax. She was scaring Clarke.
However, before the young girl could make contact with the Commander, the older girl turned, her eyes dark and lifeless.
"You almost died today."
Clarke stopped abruptly in her tracks. "Yes." She said after a moment. "But I didn't."
"I almost lost you."
"But you didn't."
"I lost Costia on a night like this." Lexa looked outside, her mind on her past. "They came into the camp and took her, killing so many others. So many good people lost that night."
Clarke was silent. Not knowing how to respond.
"Commanders rarely fall in love." Lexa looked back to her partner. "Not because it is weak, some of the wisest Commanders were those who had partners. But what occurred when the partner was lost was so much worse." Clarke noticed that Lexa's hands had curled into fists, her knuckles white. "The Commanders grew weak and distracted." Lexa was beginning to shake. "When Costia died I felt as though a hole had been stabbed through my heart. Like I was going to die." The Commander's eyes were shining, threatening to spill tears. "The wound never really healed. I just learned to live with it, with a hole in my heart. Then I met you."
The two girls stared at each other for a moment. Both thinking of the time they met, how they had felt, what their lives had been.
"And I filled it?" Clarke asked.
"No." Lexa shook her head. "That would be an insult to you Clarke, saying that you merely were replacing something that had been lost." Lexa lowered her head, ashamed. "You found a new part in my heart." Tears tracked their way down Lexa's stony face. "But today, when you weren't moving or breathing I felt that part of me begin to hurt. A new hole being bored into me." Lexa's voice was growing higher, almost hysterical. The sound seemed strange and alien to Clarke's ears.
"But I'm okay. I didn't die." Clarke cried. A tightness in her stomach as she watched the Commander struggle to keep herself from breaking. Clarke wrapped a hand around Lexa's waist and held her face with the other. "I'm still here."
"Those who love Commanders always died." Lexa shook her head from Clarke's grip. "I don't think I can live with two holes in my heart Clarke." Lexa pulled away from the younger girl and back up into the middle of the tent. Clarke stood still.
"I can't I'm not that strong."
"What are you saying?"
Lexa looked to the ground. "Loving you will kill me Clarke."
Clarke breathed out. The words the girl spoke make some sort of sense, but in another way they didn't.
"You love me?" Clarke asked looking into Lexa's eyes.
The Commander met her gaze, and flexed her jaw. Clarke knew this meant yes.
"Then it's too late Lexa." Clarke said taking the Commander's hand. "You said yourself I'm already in your heart. However cliché that sounds." Clarke placed a hand on the Commander's chest, over her racing heart. "You can't get rid of me without tearing yourself apart."
"Clarke…"
"You also told me not to think too much on what could be or what ifs." Clarke ploughed on. "So don't you do it either? I might die. I might not. The same goes for you. How often do Commander's die?"
Clarke didn't wait for an answer and instead pressed her forehead against the other girl's. "I love you."
"I can't lose you." Lexa said tearfully.
"Then fight like hell so you don't." Clarke moved to kiss the other girl, Lexa pulled away.
"It's too late." Clarke soothed. "Please Lexa."
Lexa looked at Clarke her eyes so sad. "I'm weak."
"This isn't weakness." Clarke said gazing at the Commander. She'd hardly ever seen Lexa cry. The most being the second time the two had kissed. "Please Lexa."
The Commander looked at the younger girl, the girl who had made her world so bright in the recent months. The girl who was stunning and was everything she wanted to be and more. Clarke leaned into her again and this time she accepted the girl's lips.
It was a passionate kiss, wet from Lexa's tears but held the drive the love the two had expressed the day when Clarke was meant to leave Polis. Their second kiss. After a moment Clarke found Lexa's kiss sluggish and uncoordinated, she imagined that it was a similar sensation to kissing a drunk person.
Clarke pulled away. Lexa just stared back at her, her eyes red with dark shadows.
"Lexa did you sleep at all on the trip here?"
"A Commander cannot sleep on horseback." Lexa said bluntly. "They need to be constantly alert."
"Oh Lexa." Clarke said pulling Lexa towards the bed. "You need to sleep."
Lexa pulled back. "I can't. Not tonight. Not in weather like this."
"Lexa you haven't slept in over two days." Clarke begged. "You're exhausted. That's why your thinking like this."
"Clarke I can't." Lexa looked at the younger girl, her face hard.
"Because you slept and you lost Costia?"
Lexa flexed her jaw and nodded.
"Fine." Clarke pulled Lexa to the bed. Knowing now why the girl was so paranoid and emotional, she was completely and utterly exhausted and spent. "I won't sleep."
Clarke said on the bed pulling Lexa to join her.
"Clarke." Lexa began.
"You won't be any use to anyone danger or not the way you are now." Clarke snapped.
The Commander stared into the blonde's piercing blue eyes. Like a dog demanding dominance. Clarke stared right back. It was then that Lexa truly felt how exhausted her was. Even staring at Clarke made her eyelids heavy and her head foggy. Despite every standard she held herself to she looked away and climbed onto the bed.
"Fine. I'll lay with you but I won't sleep." Lexa lay down her back to Clarke, embarrassed.
Clarke lay down and wrapped her arms around the girl, mirroring the position they usually slept in. It was Lexa who normally enveloped Clarke in her warm arms as they slept, shielding her from the world and her nightmares. Tonight that was Clarke's responsiabiltiy. "You'll sleep. I'll watch over myself and you. Please Heda."
At the use of her formal name Clarke felt Lexa's body release most of the tension it was holding.
Lexa didn't respond but Clarke gazed over her shoulder to see that the girl had closed her eyes. Clarke's mouth formed a relieved smile as she watched the girl slowly drift off.