Running on empty Chapter 21: In Edward's point of view, a twilight fanfic

Chapter 20: In Edward's point of view

I love her. I know that if I can get her to love me back, I know I am doing something right.

EDWARD: Are you ok, you sound as if you've been crying?

Edward calls me at home after his game that night. I have been crying, I have been ever since I found out about Leeland and Jacob.

BELLA: No, I haven't been crying, I think I'm coming down with the flu or something.

EDWARD: You okay? You want me to come over; I make a mean chicken soup.

BELLA: No Edward I am fine, I just need some rest and I should be okay.

EDWARD: Ok. Do you want me to call in sick for you tomorrow?

BELLA: Will you?

EDWARD: Yes, of course it's no problem. I'll ask Jacob for your office number and I'll do it.

BELLA: Thank you. (There are no more tears but this incredible sadness that I find hard to live up to so I crawl up in my bed and just die and I do… all night long.)

EDWARD: Just lie down and I'll call you in the morning to see how you're doing.

BELLA: Okay.

There are no more tears but this incredible sadness that I find hard to live up to so I crawl up in my bed and just die and I do… all night long.

`*`

I defy her. Only an hour later I am feeding her chicken soup while I insist she stays tucked in.

EDWARD: Drink your soup and then take these.

I say handing her some capsules.

EDWARD: They should have you back on your way by morning.

BELLA: What are they?

EDWARD: They are my special mixture. I am thinking of maybe selling to S.A Pharmaceuticals for major money.

BELLA: (Laughing) so does that mean that you've finally figured out what you want to do for a living?

EDWARD: I still have no idea but I have been doing some thinking… a lot lately actually… you know about my life and what I want to do. You know when I was a child I wanted to be a doctor.

BELLA: You wanted to be a doctor?

EDWARD: When I was 12, I did but once when I was 14, I read that my then role model… Tevin Campbell… She gives me a laugh. I always make her laugh because I love to see her laugh.

Edward: … you remember Tevin Campbell…

BELLA: (Laughing) of course I do. He was my husband for 2 years until I found out he was gay.

EDWARD: You didn't see that?

BELLA: No, I was crushed the morning I found out. Locked myself in my room all day, didn't come out until my mother came knocking at my door with a picture of Larenz Tate and all my pain was gone.

EDWARD: why not, he's a straight man. (Laughter again) well Tevin was my role model back then… grill me about that later and I read somewhere that he wanted to do Computer Science and that sent me on that trail until my matric year when Jacob, Kieran and I thought that the concept of the gap year sounded appealing though we winded up doing different things.

BELLA: What do you mean?

EDWARD: Well Kieran did go to school- studied accounting and economics, Jacob as you know winded up working…

BELLA: What did you do?

EDWARD: I took the gap year, went to live in London where I did work as a voluntary aids counselor.

BELLA: That sounds interesting.

EDWARD: Yes, it was a very uplifting time for me. I got to help people, feel needed, felt pretty good about myself… like I was doing something important that really mattered in this world.

BELLA: So you think that's where your calling might be?

EDWARD: Oh hell no I'd kill myself in a week, hearing all those stories was worse than listening to Kate Nash.

Jacob loves Kate…

BELLA: But you said…

EDWARD: Yes I know what I said but you are the counselor baby not me.

(He drapes his arm around my waist; I am completely in it now. You know what it is like when you love someone and you can't be with them for whatever reason and in front of you stands this… this beautiful, funny, amazing man who does an incredible job loving you and you know that his love is not only flattering but something you can work with. It's not fair, I know, it's even selfish of me… perhaps the most selfish thing I have ever done but I just cannot lose them both.)

EDWARD: I am sorry.

BELLA: And what do you have to be sorry for?

EDWARD: Here you are getting sick and I'm busy going on about myself.

BELLA: No, I love hearing about you.

She reaches out to touch my face. I am glad she's become comfortable in her own skin that she could reach out like this and not worry even a tiny bit about my rejection. This must mean her confidence in us is growing.

BELLA: And I wish you wouldn't worry and realize that it will all just come to you in time.

EDWARD: No, I have to worry you see… it's the only way I'll ever feel like I deserve you.

BELLA: Oh Edward, I am not that great… it's just me… which is why I don't understand why you're here. A guy like you, you could be anywhere with anybody.

EDWARD: (Quickly) are you kidding? You are the most incredible person that I have ever known…

I crank up a smile… it's hard not to don't you think?

EDWARD: You are wonderful, gifted, kind, generous, witty…

There seem to be something else behind the smile this time. She looks as though she's wondered off.

EDWARD: … you're beautiful…

It's that one word I've made her cry. Could she believe in herself any less?

I reach out to wipe her tears away.

EDWARD: Hey what's wrong?

Hope she tells me what's in her mind this time.

BELLA: Nothing, it's just … no one has ever said the things to me that you just said to me. Nobody has ever been so good to me.

EDWARD: Well it's true; I am being honest with you. I really do mean all these things I say to you.

BELLA: I think that's what scares me.

She says no more I but I am secure.

She takes my hand, inviting me into her bed, leads me on with a passionate kiss and welcomes me with her fiery enthusiasm.

Something has taken over her… she is impatient, rough and demanding. She wants me now. I am with her all the way, getting rid of her PJ's as quickly as she is getting rid of my clothes.

Sure, we did run into some trouble when my jeans wouldn't cooperate but it's nothing that correct maneuvering can't fix. A wiggle there, a wiggle here, and we are down to briefs where the bulge in there is just begging to be freed. I lie on my back as she plays with me in her mouth but the impatience is contagious I get rough with her and in a flash have her laying on her back, legs around my waist… then something life altering happens, as I reach for the condom.

You know how safe sex is important and all but not tonight… she doesn't want me to use it.

BELLA: No don't…

EDWARD: Are you sure?

BELLA: Yes. Edward I am 28 years old if not now when, if not you…

EDWARD: Then who?

I don't need a second invitation and when I came inside of her for that night it was not only clear that we trusted one another but that we are having a baby.

I call her in the following morning. Her boss will have to mourn when she gets back. There's too much contentment in this morning to worry about what's her face.

I am making the phone call from her desk. There's that notebook, the one she's always scribbling on.

This must be the new book she's working on.

EDWARD: I am sure she won't mind if I read a little…

The simple life,

So what happens when I want difficult things like money and power? When I want difficult things like Marat Safin as a husband and to have children who all look like him without a tint of black.

What about if I want to be a millionaire from a number one selling album at my age or suddenly feel the need to learn four more languages to accommodate Marat's Russian, his parents' Muslim background, and understanding of Andrea Bocelli's music and have all those Chinese symbols finally have some sense to me.

What happens when I want difficult things when he won't give me the easiest ones?

He is only a few feet away… I've spoken to him, he's made so much sense, my kinda sense and God just keeps shaking his head with a big fat NO… even when all I want is a conversation because it takes away so much tension and God doesn't care.

He doesn't care how hard I've cried, how hard I want him and how simple things lift me up. I don't mean to be so difficult on God but it's just that it's looking so bleak at the moment. I am 28 years old, in love with a 28 year old who is looking for a white girlfriend but is half-Nigerian and half Irish…. amongst other nationalities.

NICK: Jacob?

I read on

It gets crazier; he talks to me about absolutely nothing for most days you know like getting along. Now it's been a while since I've had a boyfriend, a real boyfriend, (10 years or more) and that kind of loneliness is very hard to get rid of because it builds, that kind of loneliness doesn't get easier, it doesn't go away. It stays and grows like cancer slowly eating away at you until there's nothing left to feel. But nothing is heavy, nothing is sorrowful. I don't know how nothing can feel like something but it does. I feel it, I feel like nothing and it fucking hurts. Nothing hurts!

This isn't one of those things that one reads and only has to react to hours later when I'm taking a shower at my house all by myself. The moment is here, finding out that the woman I love loves my best friend instead… the woman who just a couple of hours ago decided to become the mother of my child.

This explains it then, why sometimes she shuts me off. She won't let me in completely because there's a part of her reserved for Jacob.

I sigh, it's strange what's happening to me, how there could still be so much love for her inside of me even though I now know the truth.

Explanations… only explanations, her crying, Jacob's strange words. They must mean… that he loves her too and must hate me because well…

EDWARD: I have her… that's why… I'm lucky to have her. Why he doesn't get why me.

What is that he said?

EDWARD: You already have everything.

She doesn't know he feels the same, it's the only reason she's with me.

I call my father who never expects a call from me.

EDWARD: Dad it's me. Is it possible I can see you today?I have set the wheels in motion. I am sticking around Bella because I think we are worth more than you realize…

I bring her breakfast. I give no indication I know the truth. I give her some news instead.

EDWARD: I just called my father I am seeing him today about a job.

BELLA: You are?

EDWARD: He's wanted me to join the company for a while now I am sure he must have a job for me.

BELLA: But I thought you said it's not what you want to do.

EDWARD: It's not but you and I have more important things to think about now…

I say resting my head on her stomach. I am relieved her head and to a much less degree her heart would appear is still in this.

EDWARD: Just thinking you know, that I haven't really given this company a chance, maybe if I understood what it is they do over there then I could connect to it you know.

BELLA: It's worth a try.

EDWARD: (Putting his arms around Bella) I am hoping for a boy… I want to show you that I can be a better father than my father ever was to me.

BELLA: You already are.

We kiss a while.

EDWARD: And we can be happy together you know that right?

BELLA: Of course, I know that. I think we already are.

I pull her in close to kiss her some more. Don't confuse this for settling. I am not settling for second best… I am fighting.

I see my father at my Sandton office that afternoon.

CARLISLE: And what is it are you looking to do in particular?

EDWARD: Anything really… I just thought it was time that I step up to my responsibility to this company.

CARLISLE: Now? After you swore in your grandfathers' grave that you didn't want any part in this.

EDWARD: Well grandpa and I were not that close anyway. So do you have a job for me?

CARLISLE: It's your company of course there's a job for you. I would like to keep you close to me, show you exactly what we're all about. Your requirements, standard and the workload once something happens to me you should be able to step in and do what's necessary.

EDWARD: That sounds manageable…

CARLISLE: We can discuss your package later but right now I need your help with a case study I am working on. You had a distinction for Math in school right…

EDWARD: Maybe I did.

I finished high school at 16.

CARLISLE: Good your expertise will be highly valued here. But before we start… Edward I know that the only way you and me can have a successful working relationship is if we forget that, we're father and son.

EDWARD: That should be easy we haven't done that for a while now.

I can't speak for my father but I know that the rift between us bothers me more than I let on, I can't show him my pride.

~*~

A/N: A lot of stuff in this chapter…OME! Bella's pregnant for Edward… Edward knows she loves Jacob…

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