Chapter Twenty One
Lazy Sunday's in the Stewart household were normally all about lying in bed until midday, more often than not nursing a hangover and shunning the outside world in favour of hermitic solitude. But this Sunday was different for Helen. She had been awake before the birds, unable to sleep for the thoughts clouding her head. She did have her usual sore head, but today it was not induced by alcohol, its presence was all thanks to Nikki Wade.
Helen nursed a black coffee on her couch as she replayed how the night before had ended.
As directed to so forcefully, Helen had retrieved her top from the washer-dryer and hastily pulled it back over her body. Nikki stood watching from the door but didn't speak nor flinch as Helen thrust the housecoat she had been wearing into her hands.
Nikki didn't know if it was the fresh air blowing in from the open conservatory door or the subtle sadness she saw in Helen's eyes that sobered her up, but she was starting to feel downright guilty for the way she had spoken to the woman. Helen had made the best effort to be cordial and in return all Nikki had been was her usual truculent self.
"Helen, what I said just now...i was out of order and I am sorry. You didn't deserve for me to speak to you like that. I know there's no love lost between us, but I was rude and it was uncalled for." Nikki had to good grace to appear ashamed as she carried on. "One too many of these..." she shook the empty beer bottle in her hand.
Helen nodded in understanding. She couldn't really be judgemental of the woman when she often turned to the bottle herself when times were troubling her. Vodka had been the best friend that had seen her through many a crisis...especially the last few months.
"Apology accepted; thank you." The two women offered each other a small smile. "You know Nikki, if it hadn't been for the circumstances that brought us together, I think we could have friends."
"I can be civil, Helen but i'm afraid that's were my generosity ends." Nikki answered a little too quickly and Helen again found herself having to be the voice of reason.
"I never asked you for anything more than that...it was just an observation."
"Good." Nikki seemed appeased and Helen decided it best to end the conversation right there whilst on a high note. She could foresee the topic veering off on to a rocky road again and she had had far too many bumpy journeys with Ms Wade already.
"Goodnight, Nikki. I'll see you and Ellidah again on Saturday." Helen opened the front door but turned when she felt the warmth of Nikki's hand on her arm.
"It's the Easter holiday next week. Ellidah isn't at nursery...I am off work, and we don't have court, so..." Helen waited in anticipation for Nikki to stop shuffling her feet awkwardly and finish her sentence. "Look, what i'm trying to say is, if you're free during the week, i'd like it if you'd join us on a day out. I had a few things planned to keep little miss ants-in-her-pants entertained and you're welcome to come along." The toothy smile emblazoned on Helen's face took Nikki by surprise as she glanced up from her feet to check for a reaction. The smile was captivating, perhaps a little too much. Nikki coughed and hoped Helen hadn't picked up that she was flustered.
She needn't have worried. Helen was too excited to notice anything. This was a massive white flag that Nikki was waving and it made her heart sing.
"You've no idea how much I would love that. Get my number from Trisha and text me. I'm free when ever you are. Bye, Nikki."
"Yeah...bye, Helen." Nikki watched Helen skip down the drive and out the gate to her car. When the coast was clear she put her head against the door.
"Shit." She gave the wall a kick and ran her hand tersely through her hair. "What the hell am I doing?"
~*~
Helen took the remains of the cold, bitter-tasting coffee she hadn't drank and poured it down the sink. She remained there for a while, looking out into the garden that Sean had once kept so immaculate but which was now dwindling in the after effects of winter. She wondered if, rather ironically, the garden was a metaphor for her life.
The familiar jingle of her mobile ringtone caught her off guard and dragged her back to reality.
Thinking it was Nikki calling to arrange their mid-week play-date she sprang to the table to answer, but felt bitter disappointment when she saw Thomas's name on the caller display.
"Hi, Thomas," She answered meekly. "Today? Em, no, nothing planned." She inwardly cursed herself for not being able to forge a lie a quickly enough. "Dinner would be nice," This time she was able to lie quicker. "Eight? Yeah, that's fine. No, don't pick me up, i'll get a taxi. Yes, i'm sure. See you then." She set the phone down forlornly and looked at her watch. She had several hours in which to find the enthusiasm for a date with Thomas and the bollocks to make sure it was their last.
"Helen, you look wonderful." Thomas did the gentlemanly thing and rose from his chair to greet his girlfriend. Helens returned smile was an offer of gratitude for the remark. She wasn't so sure she did look wonderful. It had been so long since she had taken the time to make herself look "going-out" presentable that she doubted herself when she looked in the mirror. All she could see these days were the black puffy rings under her eyes were laughter lines once had a home.
"I took the liberty of ordering you a red wine. You said you were getting a cab..." Thomas pointed to the glass nervously.
"I did and thank you." Helen lowered her eyes to the menu but couldn't concentrate on what was written there for the intensity of Thomas's stare. She lifted her eyes to meet his.
"Have you had a good week?" He questioned trying to shift the awkwardness that hung in the air.
"Hmm.." Helen sipped her wine. "I saw Ellidah yesterday."
"And? How was she?"
"She was good." Was all the Scot offered. She didn't want to enter into a discussion about their daughter for it inevitably would take a road she wasn't comfortable with.
"When can I see her, Helen?" Thomas asked the question she most dreaded.
"I've told you before Thomas, i've spoken to Claire and Marion and both say that, in order to see Ellidah, you'd have to file your own appeal. There would be paternity testing and a whole other bunch of stuff before you even got that far." She sighed heavily. It was bad enough forging ahead with her own appeal without having to help someone else with theirs.
"I'm prepared to go through all of that." He added eagerly.
"But Thomas it's not that simple." Helen interrupted him.
"She's my goddamn child, Helen! I should be able to see her whenever I bloody choose!" Thomas's mood was growing darker and what had the potential to be a nice evening was now turning sour. Other patron's in the restaurant had stopped eating and were looking in their direction.
"Let's not do this here." Helen whispered to counteract Thomas's shouts. "People are staring."
"Let them stare!" Thomas took a swig of his beer. "What about the woman who has adopted Ellidah, what is it, Nicola Wade? Surely she would let me see her?"
"It's not one woman who has adopted her, it's women...plural. And, no, I very much doubt Nikki would let you see her. Christ, she's made my life hell thus far, and I have parental access granted by a high court judge. She'd eat you alive."
"Wait. Ellidah has been adopted by...lesbians? And you're okay with that?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be? This isn't the dark ages, Thom. Ellidah is loved and well cared for by Nikki and Trisha. There's no heterosexual couple i'd rather see her with." This seemed to appease him. He wasn't a biggot in any way shape or form but somehow the news had surprised him. "Nikki especially dotes on her. You should see them together..." Helen ended sadly. She hadn't really though about it much until now but watching Nikki with Ellidah really was like watching a Mother and a daughter. Nikki seemed to instinctively know just what Ellidah needed and when. Their bond was unbreakable.
"So, if this Nikki is such a tyrant to you, why do you heap so much praise on her? Shouldn't we be looking for flaws if we're to win this case." Helen furrowed her brow.
"Excuse me Thomas, but shouldn't it be if I win this case?"
"But we agreed, Helen. Now that we are a couple, and as her biological parents..."
"No, stop right there. I agreed for us to be a couple because what you said that day in court sounded so promising at a time when I was so low with very little hope of regaining my daughter. But I don't feel that way now. Something changed yesterday...i can't explain what...but it feels like the tide has turned and i'm sorry, Thomas, but you're not on the life-raft." Helen stood with a determination that she hadn't been in her character for such a long time. "I want to stay friends, because one day, we may have to be for the sake of Ellidah. But I can't be the Helen you met in Scotland and we can never get back what we had. I don't love you, Thomas and if i'm being honest with myself, I never really did. You hurt me back then, just like everyone else did, my Father included." Helen took a twenty pound note from her purse and sat in on the table next to what was supposed to be a romantic candelabra.
"I'm tired of being treated like crap by people." Thinking back to what Claire had recently said to her, she added. "For the first time in my life I intend to follow where ever my heart decides to take me and you know what, Thom, it feels bloody good." With a gaping grin, Helen walked alone from the restaurant feeling like a different person.
As Helen tried to flag a taxi on the busy London street with little success, she heard a familiar voice call out to her.
"Well, well, what brings Helen Stewart out in to civilization on a weekend!" Helen turned around to see an immaculate looking Claire behind her.
"You look gorgeous," Helen leant in and gave her friend a massive bear hug. "I had forgotten what you looked like out of your work suits."
"Same could be said to you! Look at you, and in a dress." Claire wolf-whistled making her friend blush. "Who are you trying to impress?"
"I was out with Thomas" Both woman's smiles faded at the mention of Ellidah's father. "But i've ended it. You were right, as always." Claire curtsied jovially. "I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and I had to end it before it went to far."
"You mean before you had sex with him."
"No, not entirely, but yes, that too."
"You need laid, lady!" Claire admonished her.
"Claire! Shush..." Helen looked towards the crowd assembled at the nearby bus stop.
"It's true. You know it, I know it...and now the people waiting for the 92 know it as well." Claire giggled. "Come out with me tonight. I'm going to the club across the street to meet up with a few friends. Helen looked doubtful but with little sign of getting a taxi and against her better judgement, she agreed.
The women dodged the traffic and giggled as they ran across the road trying not to be mowed down.
"I don't know if that is a good idea." Helen said to no one in particular as the joined the short queue of women that was moving rather quickly.
"Why, because it's a dyke club?" Claire raised her eyebrow.
"No, don't be so defensive. It's not a good idea because I am always shit company and I am pretty sure me getting pissed will only prove that."
"Not true. You are very cute when you are drunk." Claire grinned.
"Cute?" That wasn't the adjective Helen would have chosen for herself but being frisked by a butch female bouncer diverted her attention momentarily.
"Yes. You get affectionate and playful and that is highly cute. Your accent becomes thick and unintelligible and you get giggly and flash that prize winning smile at people. You're a little hottie."
"Sounds like you fancy me, Walker." Helen joked as they walked past the cloakroom towards a booth near the bar.
"Nah. Not now, but I did once. When we were at Uni." Claire winked at her, unsure at just how honest she should be.
"What?" Helen didn't know what to think. Part of her felt awkward whilst another part of her felt intrigued. "You fancied me and you're only now telling me?"
"How could I tell you back then. You had more boyfriends than Liz Taylor had husbands. You were straight, I wasn't. Why ruin a perfectly good friendship over a short-lived crush?" Helen sat down but Claire remained standing. "Wine?" Helen nodded, dumbfounded at how calm Claire seemed to be despite what she was saying. Helen watched her at the bar. Her friend was a gorgeous, confident woman. Slim and petite with strawberry-blonde hair, a brain the size of a small planet and a fiery determination to match. Yet she couldn't find a single thing she fancied about her.
As Claire returned to the table, Helen stopped staring so intently for fear her friend would misconstrue her intent, but she wasn't about to let the conversation drop.
"How long did you..." Helen blushed and laughed at her inability as an adult to ask such a trivial question.
"How long did I pray that one day you'd fancy a shag? Only about a year."
"A year? Shit, Claire, that sounds like more than a crush?"
"Nah, it was a year on and off. I'd switch between you and that hot French teacher who was coaching us for the bar exam." Trying to keep the topic light-hearted didn't seem to be working. Helen looked serious and deep in though. "Look, Helen, don't make a big deal out of it. It was ten years ago. I was a hormonally charged twenty year old who would have humped a bedpost to get my jollies. You just happened to be my incredibly sexy room mate who became the object of my desire. I've upgraded my taste since then." The last sentence earned Claire a playful slap on her arm.
"Why didn't you tell me, or try it on with me?" Helen was getting braver as the wine took hold.
"I almost did, once. The night at my 21st, when you asked me what it was like to kiss a woman. I walked away, but for a split second I was tempted to show you." Helen's face flushed and it wasn't embarrassment and it wasn't the wine.
"Well, i'm glad you didn't." Helen smiled, unsure what to say now to end the conversation. It was going too far and it was making Helen create mental images she did not want to witness, even in her own head.
"Oh I don't know, Helen, maybe you should try it sometime, you might enjoy it." Helen almost baulked at her friends choice of phrase.
"Nikki Wade said that exact same thing to me last night." Helen wished she hadn't said that aloud and silently prayed that by now Claire had put away enough wine to render her memory useless.
"Oh, did she now. Well, if Nikki is saying, too, maybe it's a sign. Wait...you were with Nikki Wade last night?" The realisation of what Helen said hit Claire.
"Long story but it's definitely not what you're thinking!" Helen threw a warning glance that said the "recruit Helen to Lesbianism" conversation was over.
"Should I get us another bottle and you can fill me in?" Claire was already up on her feet with the two empty bottles when Helen nodded. She tried to walk as collectedly as a tipsy person in heels could, but failed miserably, to which Helen had a good giggle.
The bar was mobbed and knowing Claire would be a while, Helen pulled her phone from her handbag and had an obligatory scroll through her Facebook and twitter feeds to see if there was anything of interest, but there wasn't. There wasn't a text from Nikki, either, but it had only been twenty-four hours.
She put the phone back in her bag and looked at her watch. It had been fifteen minutes and Claire wasn't anywhere to be seen. Feeling slightly concerned, Helen lifted their belongings and made her way into the crowd.
Carrying two bags and two jackets whilst being battered about by the sea of sweaty dancers, Helen manoeuvred through the crowds to the other end of the room. The sight that met her burned in her pupils.
Claire. Trisha. Kissing.
"For Christ sake, Claire!" Helen seethed and quickly turned to find the exit.
She didn't want to see it. She didn't want to be party to any information that would put a wedge between the friendship she was trying to forge with Nikki for the sake of their daughter. This turn of events could ruin everything for everyone if it got out.
The dance floor was fit to burst as Helen waded through it, dodging the flailing arms and legs of hundreds of overzealous, drunken lesbians. She kept her head down to avoid an elbow in the eye, but as she neared the door she felt her body connect with another.
"Sorry," Her head flew up to apologise to the person for her clumsiness. "Nikki?" Helen looked dumbfounded and dropped Claire's jacket on the floor, which Nikki picked up and handed back to her.
"After last night, I thought I could trust you, but you come here to spy on me? Hoping I wouldn't see you amongst the crowds, eh?" Nikki's face was contorted in a rage that Helen was used to from her but she had no idea what the woman was on about.
"What? You've lost me Nikki. Spy on you? Why would I do that?" Helen's brow creased in confusion.
"Don't play games with me. Trisha and I own this place and your little sidekick, Claire Walker knows that."
"Claire never said."
"Sure she didn't" Nikki scoffed. "I bet she conveniently forgot to mention their affair, too." Helen's eyes shot up at the mention of the affair. "Ah, so she told you about that." Helen's panicked look gave the game away that she was privy to the knowledge. "Did you know they are back there playing tonsil-hockey right now?" Helen nodded sadly. Nikki was hurting so badly and she understood exactly what that felt like. "So now you can run back to the QC next Monday and tell them the dykes are over. Patricia and Nicola. R.I.P. That should win you Ellidah back."
Nikki started to walk away but there was no way Helen was leaving the conversation there. There was far too much she wanted to say, if the other woman would even allow it. Nikki had a track record of saying plenty and listening to nothing.
"Nikki, wait" Helen shouted as she followed her into what looked like an office. It was much quieter in here. She could hear the gentle hum of her inner ear still vibrating from the music but little else.
"Leave it, Helen." The Scot could hear the tears in Nikki's voice.
"You're crying." Helen stated the obvious as she dumped the bags and jackets on the floor and went to place her free hand on Nikki's back. She could feel the strong shoulder blade protruding through her top. "Talk to me." Nikki shook her head and Helen let go of her.
She walked around, enclosing herself in the tight space between Nikki and the shelving unit on the wall.
"I'm disgusted at Claire's behaviour tonight. What she did...what they both did, it's wrong and you shouldn't have to be hurt because of it." Nikki lowered her head closer to Helen's
"Forget it, i'm used to it with that two-faced tart. We've been over for months. Claire is welcome to her. That's not why i'm upset." Nikki dabbed at her tear-soaked cheeks.
"Well, what's wrong, why are you crying, i've never seen you like this."
"What do you care. I'm just another dyke and our feelings don't count to you hetero's."
"Don't be so stupid!" Helen's temper snapped. She was sick of lesbians assuming she was so fickle about sexuality that she bordered on bigotry. "I have absolutely nothing against anyone, straigh, gay or lesbian for that matter. It's all in your head, Nikki."
"Yeah, course it is. Then you wouldn't mind this, would you..." Nikki bent her head so that her lips were millimetres from Helen's. She paused only briefly before ravenously she captured Helen's bee-stung lips in a slow yet passionate kiss. The almost inaudible sexual moan that escaped Helen's open mouth broke them from their reverie.
Helen pulled away first. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Nikki said, soberly.
"No, you shouldn't!" Helen touched her lips like they were on fire and quickly gathered her belongings before she left.
The door to the office slamming jolted Nikki to her senses. She had crossed a line and she knew it.