Chapter 11

Two Sides of the Coin

House lay on his bed, his arms behind his head trying to put together the puzzle. He already knew that it was Christmas Eve when it started to go bad. He had handed her the gift and watched, before she even opened her eyes, a brief expression of disappointment crossed her face. It was quickly replaced by a genuine look of gratitude and delight when she saw the necklace, but House knew that something wasn't right.

All night at the Christmas Eve party he watched her. She was pleased with the necklace and earrings, basking in the envy of the women around her. She smiled frequently in his direction, yet he kept thinking about her brief moment of disappointment. What had she expected?

Clearly, it must have been something of emotional significance because Maggie wasn't one who really cared about material possessions. She liked nice things, but she neither asked for them nor expected them. So what was so emotional that she had expected it in a present?

He knew immediately that she had been hoping for an engagement ring. He chortled. Does she really expect me to change my mind about marriage? He looked at her across the room, vivacious and beautiful. If anyone could change my mind, it would be Maggie. Why can't she just live with me for the rest of our lives? Rest of our lives…wow, I never thought of that before. I can't imagine not being with her the rest of my life.

House thought that Maggie had come to terms with not getting the ring. She made Christmas dinner. They laughed when House chased Maggie around the kitchen with the dead bird, flapping its wings at her. She seemed fine until Christmas dinner. He watched Maggie like a hawk as she listened to her brother extol the virtues of Theresa and marriage. Maggie's face went through so many changes. In the beginning she was amused, laughing with everyone over what Jack was saying. But when he talked about marriage and how he wanted to go through life with Theresa, Maggie had a faraway look, as if she was thinking about something more than just his words. It was then she started crying, before Jack had actually asked Theresa to marry him. She was crying for the wedding they would never have. He couldn't stand to see her in that kind of pain. He almost stood up and asked her to marry him at that moment. But he couldn't, he still felt the misery of his parent's marriage inside of him. The pain they both had experienced. House said nothing as he watched Maggie cry for an engagement ring that was never going to come.

It deteriorated after that. They never spoke about why she was so depressed. He didn't tell her that he knew why she cried sometimes when she didn't think he could hear. The spark went out of her, she worked, studied, cleaned and stretched herself to the breaking point just so she could avoid the pain of being with a man who wouldn't give her what she wanted. But then, when they made love, she clung to him as if he was going to be sucked out of the bed by a hurricane. It was hard trying to decipher her feelings.

House couldn't give her what she wanted, but he didn't know what would be a good substitute. Watching her sink into depression made House both angry and withdrawn. He didn't know what to do so he did what he does best, he pulled away and let her continue to spiral down.

Now he had really screwed up. At the party, he'd watched Maggie walk up the stairs behind Noah Coldwater like a lamb to the slaughter. He felt guilty offering up Maggie as the sacrifice for his career. He doubted that Coldwater would do anything that Maggie didn't want to do; Noah was at heart a decent guy. But, still, House knew that Coldwater was climbing those stairs with Maggie hoping that he would get lucky and Maggie was climbing them hoping to save his career.

House spotted Rachel, who motioned for him to join her. He walked over with his drink and Rachel grabbed his wrist, "I have something to tell you, but not here. Meet me in the kitchen in a few minutes." She took off towards the game room. House refreshed his drink, looked up the staircase and, after a few minutes, made his way to the kitchen. She wasn't there, but House didn't really care. The coke and the alcohol were pulling him in two different directions. He was a little lightheaded, starting to feel no pain.

Turning to leave, House jumped when Rachel burst through the door smiling and giggling. She looked around and pulled him into the pantry. He could see she was either high or drunk.

"I give up. What's the big news?"

She looked around, "I hear that you're going to be offered a position with Infectious Diseases and Coldwater is pissed."

House chuckled, "I don't want a position with Infectious Diseases. I want to start a Diagnostics Department."

She wrinkled her brow, "Greg, what are you talking about? Get your foot in the door and then work towards your goal."

"I'm 31 years old, I'll be almost 33 when this gig is up. I want to start doing what I want to do."

"I'd sure like to do it with you." She reached up and rubbed his smooth chin, then looked into his eyes, "I've missed you Greg. Have you missed me?"

He smiled. He could remember her perfume and the touch of her hand on his face. He knew they were dangerously close, too close. But the drugs and booze coursing through him pushed him forward. She didn't have to pull too hard, House's head came forward, mouth open. They kissed and then he pulled back.

He shook his head, "I shouldn't be here."

"Yes, but you are. You're no child Greg, you knew what would happen in here. And you must want it, because you're here." Rachel lifted her leg and hooked it around his waist, pulling him in.

House laughed, but he didn't pull back. He looked down at the tanned breasts peaking out of her low cut top. House reached out and slipped his hand up her top and found the large, pendulous breasts housed in the designer bra.

Rachel took her cue and found his zipper. He was hard and she was ready. She slipped her hand inside his fly and found what she had been missing. She was jerking him off when they both heard the noise.

Turning towards it, House saw Maggie's face and the look of horror. He called for her as he untangled himself from Rachel. He finally found her in the arms of Noah sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Knowing that they couldn't see him, he waited, waited and hoped she'd kiss him back, let him take liberties, do something to lessen his own treachery. But she didn't. Even when he kissed her, Maggie reminded Noah that she loved House.

Now he was in his own bedroom and for the first time in his adult life, he cried. Not much, but still a few tears trickled down his face. He had never loved anyone as much as he loved Maggie. But, as usual, he hated the fact that he couldn't make the people he cared about happy. He hadn't made his father happy, his mother happy and now he had failed to make Maggie happy. He always did something to screw it up.

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"Maggie, what can I do to show you how much I want this to work?" He watched her chew her food, eyes puffy and red from crying.

"Greg, I don't know. You've had more relationships than I have. Should I be concerned when my boyfriend ends up in a pantry with an old girlfriend giving him a hand job? Or abandons me to his boss as sexual fodder?"

House, looked away and winced, "Mags, I screwed up. I don't know how to make it up to you except to say that I won't do it again."

"Greg, I need time. Don't push me. I have to think this through." She looked up, the lids of her eyes slightly closed in sorrow, "To be fair to you, I'm not just upset about this. I have to think whether or not we have a future. Even if I forgive you and agree to take you back, I have to ask myself, where is this relationship going?"

"Maggie, does a relationship have to "go" somewhere? Can't we just enjoy being with each other for as long as possible?"

"Oh Greg, don't be coy. You know what I'm talking about and where it's coming from. It's the basic argument from day one. Can I just love you and not expect that we get married? No. Can you claim you don't want to get married and then someday decide to marry me? Doubtful. I love you and it eats at my heart to think of a day without you. But, I have to think about it, don't I? I can't keep putting my head in the sand. It just gets harder each day to let you go."

"Then don't let me go."

She looked at him and chuckled, "You don't know how much I want to keep you."

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The following Friday, Maggie's shift ended at 2:00 am and she found herself back at the house with a snoring House on the couch, the television on some infomercial. She kicked off her shoes and went over to wake him. Looking down, she thought he looked beautiful. His eyelashes fanned out on his cheeks, his arm was up at an angle. There was a half empty bottle of Taliskers on the coffee table. She gently nudged him.

"Greg...Greg it's time to go to bed."

He tried desperately to open his eyes, finally getting them both opened at the same time. He grinned, "Mags!"

Maggie was suspicious, "Greg? Are you drunk?" She bent down to smell his breath, "Yep, I think you're drunk."

House reached up and pulled her down onto his chest, "Maggie, I can't live without you. I've been drinking all night so that I could do this. Don't stop me." He laughed, "I'm on a roll. Okay, here goes…"

"Greg, why don't we go to bed and we talk about it in the morning. Anything that took you a bottle of Taliskers to say, needs to be said when you're sober."

He sat up, shifting Maggie so that she was in his arms. "Maggie, I love you. And if making you happy means we get married, then Maggie, I'll marry you. If you need marriage for me to prove how much I love you, then I'll marry you."

Maggie felt something between deep sadness and amusement. She was amused that House had spent the entire evening drinking, trying to scrounge up dutch courage to marry her. She would have laughed if it hadn't been for the fact that tomorrow when he was sober, he'd realize what he had done and panic. And then they'd be back to square one, in the same hole. She looked at him, he was grinning and pleased with himself.

"Come on, let's get you to bed." She stood up and pulled on his arm.

He yanked it out of her hand, "No! I'm not going anywhere until you say yes."

Maggie sighed, "Greg, I'll give you my answer tomorrow."

He stood up and walked with Maggie up the stairs, "Mags?"

She turned, "Hmmm?"

"I get to sleep with you, right? I mean, I've done what you want. I get to cuddle up to you tonight, right?"

She put her hand up on his cheek, "Sure, you can sleep in my bed." She knew he was too drunk to perform, so it didn't seem to matter if he slept with her or not. "But first we're going to get you ready for bed."

Maggie took him to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He peed and then she took him to her bedroom. She sat him down on the bed and took off his shoes. The Levis came off along with the t-shirt. She grabbed some motrin and a drink of water, making him take the tablets and drink the entire glass.

"Okay bro, you can crawl in now."

"You're coming to bed, right?"

Maggie ruffled his hair, "Yeah. Let me brush my teeth and I'll be back."

Maggie brushed her teeth and put on a t-shirt. By the time she got back to the bedroom, Greg's eyes were closed. She crawled in bed and could feel the long legs on the back of hers. The hairy legs that she missed so much. He slipped his arm around her and hugged her, kissing the back of her head.

He whispered, "I should have told you I loved you the first day I saw you on the sidewalk flagging me down for a ride, because I can't remember a day since then that I haven't thought of you, wanted to be with you."

Maggie closed her eyes, wishing that he'd just go to sleep. "You go to sleep honey, it will all be okay in the morning."

"I love you Mags."

"I love you too, heart and soul."

The morning came and the sun seemed exceptionally bright in the bedroom. Maggie got up and closed the heavier drapes. She went to the bathroom and stood, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She stared at the circles and knew that if she didn't bring this to some kind of conclusion she was going to flunk out. She couldn't take much more drama in her life.

Quietly making her way down the stairs, she made a pot of coffee, then came back up with a cup for House. He was just beginning to stir. He tentatively sat up, hand on his head. Maggie chuckled and handed him some more Motrin and his coffee.

His voice was craggy, "Thanks."

"How do you feel?"

He shrugged, "Like Sonny Corleone at a toll booth."

"Well, get down a lot of water."

Maggie got up to leave, but she caught a glimpse of him in her mirror; he was looking around the bed as if he was trying to figure out how he ended up there.

"Maggie?"

"Greg?"

"Did we make love last night?"

She smiled, "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I don't see any condom wrappers."

Maggie couldn't resist, "Greg, don't you remember? I told you it was in the middle of my cycle, you said that was great, since we were going to get married, we might as well start making babies."

House stopped, his eyes grew wide, the blood drained from his face. He looked like he was frozen in space. He said very cautiously, almost contritely, "Maggie, I need to talk to you."

"About the wedding date? How many kids? I know you agreed to six last night, but I'm willing to accept the four you suggested in the beginning."

"Maggie, you know I love you. I want to make you happy, but…"

She held up a hand, "Greg, I'm yanking your chain. We didn't have sex, there was no discussion about children and I didn't accept your drunken proposal."

He looked visibly relieved, "Mags. I'm willing to think about marriage. I really am."

She bent over and kissed him, letting her lips linger for a few seconds on his, "I don't want you to "convince" yourself that marriage is okay, that you can be happy married. I want a man who doesn't have to be drunk so he can convince himself to marry me. Greg, we aren't going to make it. We need to stop fooling ourselves. I'd like you to find a new place at the end of your lease, hopefully sooner."

He closed his eyes and shook his head, "Mags, don't."

"Greg, don't make it any harder than it already is." Maggie stood up, and started to walk away. She stopped and turned, "Greg, can you come clean now? I know we've had philosophical debates about marriage, but there's something else, something deeper. What do you have against marriage?"

He could hardly control the anger, the pain, "Because marriage doesn't work. It trapped my mother in a marriage with my father. She wouldn't leave him when he started abusing me because they were married. Marriage was his legal control over her, over us. It was the same for him. He was trapped too; he fell in love with a female officer, but he didn't think he should or could get out of a loveless marriage, so he took it out on me and my Mom. Yeah, they're content with each other now, but there's no real love between them. Marriage isn't a testament of love Maggie, living with someone without the need for that paper, doing it because you love them, knowing that legally they can walk out the door at anytime, that takes true love."

Maggie nodded, "I think I understand now."

"Can I stay?"

She giggled, "No, but thank you for being honest with me."