A/N: Sorry that this chapter is a little late, but it took me a little longer to get into the flow, as it were. Anyway, I'm not too sorry because I tend to value quality over quantity. In that spirit:
Someone pointed out to me that I contradicted myself in the last chapter!! Where it says at one point "Xander hadn't worn the cross since that night" –you'll notice that I wrote later in the chapter that he wore it all the time.
Since FanFiction . net is so annoying about correcting mistakes, let's just say right now – Xander always wears that cross. Just so you know!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Winter Song
Chapter 20: Feel It Now
And all my sorrows awaken
And all my fears run down
I turn myself into an angel
I run myself into the ground
I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll feel it now
I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll know it now
And all the reasons invading
Twist and turn my aching soul
I leave myself behind in pieces
I know you'll need them when I'm gone
I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll feel it now
"Feel It Now" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (Bones (Original Television Soundtrack))
Time passed in Sunnydale, as it always does. The soft warmth of spring began to blaze into early summer, and all of the senior class of Sunnydale High School were eagerly counting every last day of the last three months of school. Senioritis kicked in with a vengeance and the senior class began to skip in droves. When they were in class, no one could focus on anything. The cooling system wasn't working at its best, so the teachers left the windows open, letting the beautiful summer air wend its way through the room, enticing everyone within to come without.
Xander was going stir-crazy. He felt like a caged animal, always pacing, trying to figure out a hole in his cell he hadn't caught before so he could escape. His grey matter was going stagnant. Without being able to leave his home unless accompanied by one of his parents, Xander began to spend more and more time in his room.
Xander and Tony had another fight, this one loud enough to have concerned neighbors calling the Harris home. Tony had finally had enough of Xander's pussyfooting around the college issue and simply called Liberty University and enrolled him. Xander had come home from school one day already in a bad mood to find a congratulatory envelope from LU on his bed informing him that he had a full course schedule, room and board, and an assistant job at the chapel.
He lay in his room now, remembering the fight.
"What the hell is this?" Xander demanded, stomping down the stairs hard enough to rattle the pictures in their frames along the walls. Jessica had looked up and taken one glance at the murderous look on Xander's face and decided to go to the kitchen. Any other day and Xander would have felt awful that the fights between him and his parents were bad enough to send his mother running from him, but he was far too angry.
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me!" Tony snarled back, not even trying to be civil. "I know you've had that Rosenberg girl practically doing your schoolwork for you but you should still be able to read an acceptance letter."
"Yeah – funny, how I have no memory at all of ever even sending an application to Liberty," Xander yelled.
"I won't be yelled at in my own home by my own son!" Tony hollered, going red in the face.
"I won't let you control my life!"
"You need more control in your life!" his father screeched. "I leave you to your own devices for all these years and see the rewards for my trust! Taking immoral classes behind our backs, sneaking out, inviting witches and troublemakers and homosexuals into my church!"
"Because the worst thing I could have possibly done is teach God's word in God's church," Xander tossed out irritably.
"Not the word of God as you interpret it," his father snapped back. "I've heard what went on in those 'classes' of yours, your approval for these filthy, sinful lifestyles—"
"Being gay is not a choice, and I don't interpret the Bible any less than you do to support your views!" Xander said hotly.
"How dare you! It is a sin, a filthy and immoral sin that is leading to the degradation of the basic family unit, threatening the very institution of marriage! Immoral sex, filthy acts, fighting to get accepted as schoolteachers to convert our children! Look at AIDS – a clear message to all the faggots and dykes infesting this country with their gay agenda—"
"You stubborn, bigoted, narrow-minded jackass!" Xander screamed, nearly in tears, his fists clenched, trembling from head to foot. "You're blaming a blood disease as an act of God?! Do you honestly think that some guy wakes up one morning and says to himself, 'gee, I'm sick of being attracted to women, I'll tell my body to be attracted to men now!'?"
"Get out of my sight!" Tony roared. "I don't want to see you until you've had time to think—"
"Think about what?! That whatever you say is God's law, you arrogant jerk?" Xander asked hysterically. "Don't worry about it! I'm never talking to you again!"
"So help me boy, I'll—!"
"Touch me again and I swear to God I'm never coming back to this house again," Xander said in icy calm.
"You're a disgrace to this family," Tony snarled, his eyes small and mean, hidden a face of rage. There was nothing of God in that face, Xander thought dazedly. Nothing but a small, angry man using his religion to lash out against something he hates.
"I love you," Xander said softly. He looked up, meeting his father's gaze, head on. "I hate you. I've always forgiven you – but I'll never forgive you, ever."
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever—
Who knew?
Ever, Xander thought now. He'd been true to his word, for the most part; he and Tony hadn't exchanged one word except by proxy through Jessica since that night. That had been nearly three weeks ago. The Harris house was no longer a home, more like a battleground. Xander felt the tearing of his family like a rending in his heart. His mother bore it even harder.
Joyce was the only one of Jessica's church friends that really stuck by her through their family implosion. The rumors were spreading the rounds around Sunnydale faster than wildfire. Neighbors leaned over fences and spoke through windows, dropped notes in each other's mailboxes, spoke at the grocery store. Every fight had been blown up to epic proportions, each of them guessing at the content. Everyone agreed that Xander was turning into a hoodlum.
The Summers were being shunned. Tony Harris had been the town hero when he'd come in and opened the Church of Sunnydale, and everyone blamed Buffy for turning Sunnydale's favorite son into a screaming, angry adolescent. People began to question Joyce Summers herself, wondering at what had led to her divorce, if Joyce were (perish the thought) a lesbian. Joyce went through it with dignity, kept her head up and proud. Her eyes met everyone's eyes, and she forced shame on her detractors by never being shamed by the pointed stares they sent her way. Joyce helped Jessica run the choir of the church, just like every Sunday.
"People in small towns will talk, Jessica," she said firmly one afternoon as Xander vacuumed the aisles and dusted the pews. "No matter what, you can't let them know that they're bothering you."
Buffy was feeling the strain at school almost as bad as Xander was.
"I was so used to having people not stare at me," she confessed one morning. "Back when I first got here, before I became friends with you guys, everyone stared at me because I was that weird girl that set gyms on fire. But the last couple of years that's died down. I thought I had a lot of friends here."
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool?
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you 'friend'
I'd give anything
When someone said "Count your blessings now—
Fore their long gone"
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still, you said forever
And ever—
Who knew?
The kids at Sunnydale High, bored by the dullness and repetitiveness of small town living that their parents found so attractive, were so excited by the drama of it all that they fed on the rumors like leeches in a feeding frenzy. Buffy, Xander, Willow and Tara were all outcasts now, and Cordelia was starting to attract a lot of negativity just for her associating with them over breakfast in the Library every morning.
"You think I care?" she barked irritably when Willow hesitantly asked about it. "I'm better than that."
Still, Xander wasn't too sure if that was true. Cordelia craved attention because she never got it at home, and she seemed a little more hesitant, a little more unsure now that she wasn't firmly established as Queen of Everything. Her clothes were a little less cutting-edge fashion, her smiles a little less ruthless.
Willow and Tara were bearing a large brunt of the unwanted attention as well. Before, no one had noticed Tara. Now that Tara and Willow were officially an on-campus couple, Tara was suddenly thrust into the limelight when it was all she wanted to avoid it. Willow was mocked publicly in front of teachers who did nothing to prevent it, and she stopped answering every question in class and drawing attention to herself. Instead, she dressed quieter and did her work in silence.
Xander had received the first ever afterschool detention of his life, and his father had officially grounded him from leaving the house for anything remotely extracurricular until Graduation Day.
A group of football jocks had been harassing Tara in the halls one day while Willow was in another part of school. "Freak! Loser! Lesbo! Rug muncher!" They followed her down the halls, screaming and laughing, a teacher or two looking on disapprovingly but doing nothing to prevent it.
Tara was in tears, stumbling and tripping as she tried to get away from them. Buffy and Xander, coming over from gym class to see what the commotion was about, looked on in shock – until Percy West, popular, handsome jerk footballer, shoved Tara against a locker and rubbed his crotch. "Hey, baby, wanna see what you're missin' out on?" he asked with a lascivious smile.
Tara jerked her head to the side, gasping for breath, looking like she'd been gutpunched. Xander saw red; he'd never been so angry in his life. He was already moving, so he never even saw Buffy until he heard the crunch.
"Don't you ever fucking touch her again!" Buffy screamed, enraged. She'd taken his arm and twisted it so far behind his back that it creaked. He yelled in pain, and on each enunciated syllable she slammed his head into the locker.
"Bitch!" one of the jocks roared, and lunged at her. Xander threw himself at him and threw the first punch of his life. It connected beautifully, thanks to Buffy's lessons. Xander hit him in the nose and broke it, dead center – he also bruised his knucklebones, but he was only aware of that later.
"What the hell is going on here?" Snyder's oily little voice suddenly demanded, his eyes narrowed and mean as he surveyed what happened.
"She fuckin' hit me!" Percy said angrily, pointing his unhurt arm at Buffy.
"Keep talkin' and you're gonna lose an eye," she snarled coldly. Buffy looked terrifying in that moment, her face flushed, eyes fierce, utterly strong and ruthless and ready to kick some major ass.
"Summers, my office!" Snyder snapped.
"Not till they get in trouble for harassing Tara!" Buffy said flatly.
"Did anyone else see this happen?" Snyder asked meanly, glancing at the teachers. Some of them at least had the shame to look down and not meet his eyes, but no one said a word. "I see nothing."
Tara looked up, horrified, and tried to run from the halls. Probably the only thing that both saved Snyder from a beating, the way Buffy was looking, and Xander and Buffy from getting suspended or worse, was Willow arriving on the scene.
Normally, no one was ever nervous around Willow. But they'd never seen Tara threatened by something before. Willow's pupils dilated to make her eyes look nearly completely black, her face so pale her hair looked like it was on fire. She was shaking from head to foot, listening to Snyder's voice.
"Get out," Willow snarled, her voice gone almost guttural with rage.
"Excuse me, Rosenberg?" Snyder started to say, but before he could say a word Willow was right next to him, her hand raised to deliver a slap to the face. Snyder blanched and jerked away.
"I'm telling you now, Snyder, if you don't get the hell out of here I swear to God I'll get every single gay organization in California down here so hard you'll never get a job in the fifty states of America," she said coldly.
Snyder wasn't quite as stupid as he looked, and one glance at Willow's face told him that she meant it. He turned and hurried away without another word. Willow offered a death glare to the group that had surrounded them. "Witch," some of the jocks muttered, but they slouched off. The teachers looked away, shaken.
"Baby, are you okay?" Willow asked gently, taking Tara's hand. Tara hid her face in Willow's shoulder. They stayed like that, Buffy breathing hard, Xander clenching his bruised fists, Willow soothing a weeping Tara, for a long time.
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?
They at least had each other to lean on, though; it seemed that one of the few positive things about being a social leper at Sunnydale High was that it tightened the genuine bonds you maintained with your friends. Willow and Tara brought their lunches to their favorite tree on the front yard and shared them while Buffy, Xander and Cordelia ate on the benches outside the front of the school, one of the few places that they were left alone.
Buffy and Xander had lunches from home, and Cordelia got all of her food delivered by a special dietician, so none of them had even bothered walking into the cafeteria. Buffy and Cordelia fell to talking about the impending Prom. Cordelia was debating the merits of even bothering to run for Prom Queen this year.
"How could you even say that?" Buffy asked, horrified. "This is our senior year!"
"But think of my electoral group," Cordelia said critically. "I've ruled over these morons with an iron fist for four years, and now they have the nerve to insult both me and my friends? To hell with them."
"But that would just be letting them win," Buffy said exasperatedly. Xander smiled as they started arguing about it. Buffy and Cordelia had become better friends lately, since Cordelia had refused to allow her friends' shunning her to keep her out of Xander's friends. They'd started discussing fashion and boys together, and Xander and Willow suspected that Buffy got to indulge in her inner girly queen with Cordelia.
Xander stared out at the green lawns of Sunnydale High, letting their words make a soothing background to his thoughts. Prom. Now there was an alien word. Even if he was allowed out of the house at this point, would he even go? He smiled bitterly, thinking of asking Cordelia to be his pretend date so he could try to not have stupid girly fantasies of Angel sweeping in in a tux at the last second and sweeping Xander off his feet.
He hadn't seen Angel since the night at Spike's. Spike still showed up at school to take them all out for lunch sometimes, so Xander got his news about Angel from there. According to Spike, Angel was doing much better. Drusilla was now living in a temporary situation with Wesley, and wasn't speaking to either of them. Xander was secretly pleased that it didn't seem to bother Spike too much.
"He's gotten a lot better," Spike said one day when it was just him and Xander. "He drops by to see me sometimes. He's been going to AA meetings up in Oxnard every other week, you know. Goes to a church up there, too. He said he'd go to yours but he wasn't sure if you wanted to see him." Spike sent him a furtive look. "You don't want to see him, right?" he asked casually.
"Nice," Xander commented.
"Can't be too subtle about it, can I?" Spike asked innocently.
"Yeah, I want to see him again," Xander said, rolling his eyes. Spike chuckled but didn't say anything.
Xander carried the memories of the night at Spike's like a warming pocket in his heart. Angel had been clean, sober, and happy that night. He'd managed to stay by Xander's side all night, casually touching him, smiling at him, drawing him into conversation. Xander wondered why he was trying so hard, until he'd remembered what Angel had said to him—"I love you, Xander. And I'm gonna show you that we can be together."
He tingled with a glow inside, that night. Angel was actually trying to prove to him that he loved him, that he was getting better, that they were worth fighting for. Xander stared out at the lawn now and wondered where Angel was, what he was doing.
What would Angel look like in a tux?
"How are things at home?" Buffy asked quietly as Tara giggled at something Willow had said. Xander smiled wistfully at them, then jerked his thoughts away from Angel and back to Buffy.
"They're okay, really. Me and my dad don't fight anymore. We just pretend that the other one doesn't exist."
"God, my parents have been doing that for years," Cordelia said, taking out a banana. "I think it's the only reason they've stayed married this long."
"When my parents got divorced, that was when I really started staying out late and getting into fights. I was a total mess. I had myself convinced for a few months that it really was my fault," Buffy said. "But I figured out a little bit later when my dad started ditching our weekends together in favor of diddling his new secretary that the problems were there way before I started getting in trouble."
"The secretary," Cordelia said with a sympathetic wince. "That's low."
"Tell me about it," Buffy said glumly.
"I don't know how to resolve this," Xander said, moodily contemplating his hot dog. "I just feel like there's this massive wall between me and my parents, and no matter how much I try to show them what it's like on my side they just stay over there."
"Welcome to being a teenager," Cordelia said flatly. "You were just so caught up in being the perfect child that it took senior year in high school to bring it out of you."
"I haven't been to church on a Wednesday in months," Xander went on. "I feel so bad about it, but every Sunday that church just gets more and more stifling. It's like I resent my dad for making church bad."
"He does make church bad," Buffy said irritably, crumpling her milk carton. "When you taught it it was different. He's all like, 'Do this and go to Hell.' 'Do that and go to Hell.' 'Sex is evil unless you're married and even then it's only to make babies.' 'Women belong in the kitchen and feminism is evil.' 'Gay people try to recruit people just to send them to Hell.'"
"God, he had this totally tacky line last Sunday, though," Cordelia said with a bit of a snort.
"Don't even say it!" Willow called threateningly from the tree.
Buffy, Willow, Tara, Xander and Cordelia chanted in unison, "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
If someone said "Three years from now
You'd be long gone"
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong!
And, that last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember!
But I keep your memory
You're busy making my sleep
My darling, who knew?
Songs used in this chapter:
"Feel It Now" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (Bones (Original Television Soundtrack))
"Who Knew" by Pink (I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition))